All language subtitles for At Home With Amy Sedaris s03e06 First Dates.eng

Tonight,

first date on the very special At Home
with Amy Sedaris.

I don't know what's up with that guy.

On tonight's program, First Dates, we'll
cover what to make, who to wear, where

to wash, and what to leave alone.

Now, you may be asking, Amy, what do you
know about First Dates? Funny you

should ask. I've been involved in a very
romantic letter correspondence with a

gentleman stranger.

To give you a taste, I'll read you his
first letter.

Okay, I'll put my glasses on.

All righty, here we go.

Dear Amy Sedaris, hello.

I recently saw your program in the
common room and I felt I must write you.

name is Tom Jefferson and I am a citizen
of America, so that is of no concern.

My occupation is that of a legal
employee of a real company.

I have so many questions.

What are your hobbies?

How many televisions do you own? Do you
have access to family money?

Please write back and send pictures of
your address.

I know this seems early, but could this
be love?

TJ. My goodness.

We'll find out the answer tonight.

Because TJ and I will be having our
first date on this very television

Ratings! There is so much to do before
our first date arrives.

To kick things off, setting the mood, I
asked my good neighbor, an annual winner

of Garden of the Month, to arrange a
flower bouquet.

Patty. Hog.

Hello, Amy, and welcome me.

Hello, Patty. So tell us, what is the
perfect arrangement for a first date?

Well, for the first date, it's important
to put together an arrangement that is

festive enough to set the mood, but
modest enough to say, keep your hands

I can see them, I have boundaries.

I can't wait to see.

It is a mixed love mutt. It suggests to
your suitor that you are loyal,

obedient, and ready to be domesticated.
That is a doorbell.

Now, Amy Lou, I have to ask, what do you
know about first aid?

Well, I know I'm a professional woman,
but I still have thoughts of settling

down and even maybe having a baby.

A baby?

Oh, Amy Lou, that train left the station
years ago and then derailed and

careened into a canyon.

Okay.

I can always count on you for a hearty
laugh. Imagine a mature woman like you

pregnant. You know, I put my money on
that poodle arrangement having a litter

before you.

I've got to go, Amy Lou. I have a date
to get my bushes sheared.

Fatty hog, everybody.

Oh, Lord.

When making dinner for a first date, the
most important factor to consider is

time. You don't want to tie yourself up
in the kitchen preparing your meal when

you could be using that time preparing
your you.

So how does one make an impressive meal
in the least amount of time?

The answer, Plop Plop Meals. And I make
mine using a Flickr 3000, another proud

sponsor of the At Home with Amy Sedaris
program.

Rusty? Tender chunky duck.

Boiling hot meat mix.

And Tennessee rump cooked in its own
water.

It's Plop Plop Meals, made in the Flickr
3000 from JoJoCo.

Hi, I'm female entrepreneur JoJo
Galloway, inventor of the Flickr 3000.

When you're a career woman like me with
an active love life, you don't have time

to spend in the kitchen cooking meals.

That's why I created the Flickr 3000 and
the Plop Plop Meals recipe booklet with

over nine meals that you can make in
just minutes.

Watch how easy.

For Cajun Tang chicken, plop in a couple
of boneless breasts.

Add the Cajun Tang Plop Powder packet.

a can of root beer, and a fistful of
salt. And that's it.

Plop, plug, and prance away.

How does the Flickr 3000 cook so fast?

Its electrical components are
manufactured in a country without laws.

exposed coil technology, which heats up
your food at temperatures not normally

available in this country.

Order now and you'll receive two dozen
replacement fuses and a smother blanket.

I've got my meal cooking, my flower
arrangement arranged. So what's next?

Well, nothing sets a romantic mood quite
like candles.

We're going to make perfect candle
holders. So if you would, join me in the

craft room.

Beads and things and glitter and
strings.

Glue and sew and buttons and bows.

At the beginning of each new season, as
a reward for avoiding major fines by the

FCC, the network gives the show a bonus
to apply in any way I see fit.

Now, I put a lot of thought into the
best way to use that money.

Should I give the staff a pay bump or
pay for lead paint removal in the guest

screen room?

Well, I'm happy to announce this year I
got an elevator.

A top -notch, state -of -the -art
elevator.

Personal private elevator.

Now, today, we will be making real
hobnob glass candles by gluing a variety

dried beans to a glass and then painting
them.

Now, where are my dried beans? Last time
I saw them... Oh, I know. Just one

minute, please.

Oh, my goodness.

Wait a minute. What am I doing? I have a
personal elevator. Why would I take the

stairs when I get there by standing?

Go?

Ready? Yes.

Second floor, please. Going up.

One minute.

I may get through two hit seasons
without an elevator.

Helping me today with this craft is my
assistant, Pooja.

Well, you didn't congratulate me on my
new elevator yet, Pooja.

Congratulations.

I'm sure you're overjoyed to see that
your bonus check has been well spent.

Let's get crafting, shall we? Now, would
you please grab the peas?

Sure. This is a terrific craft for the
elderly because it's tactile. What in

absolute hell do you think you're doing?
I was just going to go get them.

In my private elevator, you're not. You
take the service stairs.

Oh, my goodness.

That's bold.

Oh, just forget it. I'll get it myself.

I

got

him. What are you doing?

Are you trying to make me look bad?

Is that what you're trying to do?

Why do I hire you? Oh, that's right,
because nobody else will.

Do you want me to bring them back up? I
want you to disappear from my life,

Pooja. Okay.

Unbelievable.

Okay, Pooja.

Glue the beans and the peas to the side
of a candle right here. We took a jar.

You're going to glue them to this. It's
not as simple as it sounds, okay?

Glue, apply, dry, paint. Understand?

Got it. Now I better get these peas back
to their container.

When we return, more preparation for my
big day.

When it comes to dinner dates, it's my
belief that a meal is only as good as

face that serves it. That's why I'm here
with my good friend, Chassie Tucker,

who's here to punch up my face and give
us some smart makeup tips along the way.

Now, Chassie, what do I need to do?

You... Would you mind peeing in this cup
for me?

What? Please, just pretend it's a tiny
toilet.

Chassie, I don't know what kind of
trouble you got yourself into, but I am

bailing you out. You have to learn how
to fend for yourself.

But I... Fend.

For yourself.

You should be the mad one.

Preparation is the key to a successful
first date. So I've asked first date

expert and local life man Tony
Pagnolotti here to give us some

Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on.
It's always a pleasure.

So, Tony, what makes you such an expert
on first dates? Well... They rarely go a

second round. I see.

Well, why don't you take us through the
process? Okay. First, keep it casual.

I'm not looking for a proposal on a
first date, although I do require a

pledge. Okay, I see. Look, I could
regale you all night about my expertise

first phase courting, but it's not going
to stick unless you put it into

practice. So what do you say we role
play a first date, you and me? Oh!

Don't be nervous. I'll guide you through
it, okay? Okay, all right.

Oh, hi.

I'm Amy. It's so nice to meet you.

How old are you?

Okay, listen, I've got an idea. Why
don't we have a seat at this restaurant

table and order some food, shall we?

Oh, my.

Okay.

I've got a lot of specials.

Mmm, the lasagna looks good.

Oh, don't you think that's a little
pricey?

Oh, yeah, right. Maybe I'll just get a
salad.

Oh, hello.

I'll have the house salad and some
water.

Uh... How about you, Tony?

Why don't you come back? I'm not quite
ready.

Okay.

Well, Tony, what do you like to do for
fun? I, uh... Would you get a thing for

that waiter?

What? The waiter. I'm not stupid. I can
see how you're leering at him.

You're talking about the one we made up?
Flashing him your flirty smile and big

old can.

I promise you I have no interest in that
waiter. Don't embarrass me. Here he

comes with that stupid salad you
ordered.

Okay, thank you.

Hey, that looks good.

Could I... Could I have some? Oh, sure.
Help yourself.

Wow, you ordered well.

Oh.

Oh, cheese, huh? Fresh. I barely
recognize it anymore.

Mmm.

Mm -hmm. Smells delicious.

Oh, what's that?

Pepper flakes? Pepper flakes. I see it
now.

Oh, good.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness gracious. Look at the
time. Well, this has been just lovely,

I have to go.

Tony Paglalata, everybody.

While I make some final date
preparations, let's take a quick visit

in the woods.

Could I see you again?

No.

Deep in the forest a lady lives In a
small house that is made of twigs She's

earthy and simple and mostly plain And
what you don't know she will try to

explain She bathes in a creek and she
sleeps on a cot Feasting on mushrooms

apricots Her bathroom's a hole in the
dirt that she dug Her friend's a raccoon

and a slimy spring slug She's a lady who
lives in the woods

Thank you, Amy, and hello, and welcome
to The Lodge. I'm Ruth, and this is my

life associate, Esther.

Because the topic of today's show is
about sexual attraction, I thought it

be fascinating to look at the courting
habits of the animal kingdom.

Doesn't that sound fascinating, Esther?

Does it?

Esther is a little touchy today because
I will not agree to her request for a

television, so she's watching our
painting of a horse.

The peacock.

During the courting ritual, the male
peacock displays an array of fanciful

feathers in order to attract a female.

But I find flashy plumage isn't always
the best allurement. The better draw

might be a simple and restrained
plumage, a no -nonsense plethora of

browns and beiges.

You see, Esther, only the shallow bird
is attracted to the fleeting garishness

of the harlequin's feathers.

I'm dying here. I want to claw my eyes
out.

Here's an idea. How about we build a
kaleidoscope? We can use a small,

-out log, a polished seashell,
iridescent river rocks. I'm having fun

talking about it. Here's another idea.

I'm going to a sports bar. They have a
TV.

Well, this was fun.

Thank you for joining us on our
discussion of animal courtship. We'll

next time at the lodge.

It looks like it's just you and me,
Artemis.

She's a lady who lives in the woods.

Thank you, Ruth and Esther. My date
should be here any minute, so I'm going

apply a delicate homemade soup of
scents. Now, where did I put my hole of

Bay? Oh, I know where. It's upstairs.

Everything's upstairs these days.

Go.

I'll listen to some music.

Mmm,

I love this movie.

Well, that's funny.

I never heard of something mechanical
breaking down.

Please. Oh, Chassie!

Oh, Chassie, hi. I'm so glad it's you.
Look at me.

My date will be here at any moment, and
I'm stuck in my exquisite state -of -the

-art personal elevator.

Well, well.

I wish I could help you, Amy, but a very
smart friend of mine insisted that I

should fend for myself.

Oh, come on, Chassie. You know what I
meant.

No, no, no, no.

A fender's fend should be fended through
the fending of the fender.

Not through the fens of the friend of
the fending fender, for that would

the fens of the fender fendless.

I'm sorry, have I offended you? Chessie,
I'll give you all the urine you want.

I already got it from a German shepherd.
And while it was drug -free, the court

now thinks I have mange.

So thanks for nothing.

Oh, come on, Chessie. I'll give you a
stool sample.

Chessie!

Oh, come on. We interrupt this radio
cast for an emergency bulletin. A

from the Research Triangle Minimum
Security Correctional Facility has

In other news, there is a national
recall issued for the Flickr 3000 Quick

Hello?

Hey, hello.

Tom? Yeah.

Oh, it's my date. I'm saved.

We'll be right back.

Welcome back. If you're just joining us,
I'm dressed to the nines, my date has

arrived, and I'm trapped in my own
private elevator.

Help!

Seriously, help!

Up here!

Amy Setters?

Tom! We finally meet face to face.

Wow, you're just as handsome as you
insisted you were in all those letters.

Oh, here, let me get your coat.

Oh, that's right.

Why are you in a cage?

Oh, this?

Oh, it's a little embarrassing.

Not the fact that I own a personal
elevator. That's enviable.

But the fact that I'm stuck in it. It's
crazy.

Well, I wanted a memorable first date
story, and now I've got one.

So, should you get me out of here now so
we can start the first night of the

rest of our lives?

I'm thinking about it.

Oh, okay. Well, when you're done
thinking about it, there's a tall ladder

ladder closet and a few more ladders out
in the ladder shed.

Did this ever happen to you?

Things just kind of fall into place
without any effort on your part, you

what I mean?

Circumstances just sort of smile down.

What are you getting at, Tom?

How can I put this?

Let's say you want to go duck hunting.

So you grab your gun, your hat with the
flaps, you walk out the cabin door

toward the lake, and there at your
feet...

You find a plump old duck sitting in a
cage.

I wouldn't know. You know, I don't eat
duck. I prefer something more gamey. So

why don't we stop joking around, because
there's an ex -convict roaming around

the research triangle area, and I just
really want to be held by a man and told

not to worry.

Oh.

I've been planning this for months.

Oh.

Sitting in my cell, marking days.

I knew I needed a place to lay low once
I broke out, so I watched the TV looking

for some lonely old lady I could
befriend.

And then I saw you.

I checked your ratings. No one watches
this.

So I knew this would be a safe place to
hide out.

What about all those people?

None of you better say a word!

Looks like you and me are gonna be
roomies.

Please!

It's just you and me.

Hey, you got the ladies in the cage.

Oh, and Lenny.

Oh, no.

I'm your animal.

No, please,

no. Don't touch on those crabs.

All right, Lenny, Lenny.

Let's go get some chow, huh?

I know what I'm going to get for
dessert.

to my special meal.

No, stay away from that table.

Oh, look at this. She got it all set up
for your date.

Oh, look at this.

We got shrimp with a dipping sauce.

Oh, you can drink gravy.

What are you doing?

Butter beans and mushy peas.

That table had...

Wait a minute.

It occurs to me this meal is nothing but
sides, you know, accompaniments.

No, no, that's it.

That's the whole meal, guys.

You holding out on me, sister?

Where's the main course?

I'll never tell you.

And you'll never have the satisfaction
of eating that main entree.

is a luxury personal elevator for a
woman of means.

Secondly, I'm in danger.

I'm stuck in this elevator, and I need
to get out.

Well, geez, what can I do?

You can call the police.

Why, well, I'll do it, but I'm not
giving them my name.

With all those open containers in my...

I gotta help a lady stuck in an
elevator.

You're in luck. I'm the elevator
repairman.

Problem solved.

Check it off my list.

It's Friday night.

I'm gonna get drunk.

Yeah. I'm gonna get late. All right.

That was real stupid.

Now, you're gonna pay, old lady.

Oh, please, I beg of you. Hear me? Not
the bruised. You're gonna pay.

Why don't you stay put till I get back?

Oh, no.

Don't eat that entree.

It's all cold and everything.

Was the bucket plugged in?

I think so.

Hey, maybe it's the juice.

Oh, here's the juice box.

I'll switch it.

It's not the worst first date I've ever
had. We'll be right back.

Well, nobody ever said jumping back in
the dating pool would be easy after 39

years of flying solo.

But even though things didn't work out
perfectly with Tom, I learned an

important lesson.

Some people die alone.

In other news, I... decided to return
the elevator and the Flickr 3000 and use

the money for something a little bit
more practical, like motorized slippers.

Living room!

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