Original subtitles

So, Terry, how was your weekend?

Well, Pete was out of town for some medieval thing, so I had to... Don't

finished my preteen vampire novel.

Oh, finally.

Since when do you write preteen vampire novels?

Uh, since forever.

Abigail Weatherworth never expected to get fangs before she got booed.

Wow. Sounds very niche.

It's semi -autobiographical. So, do you want to read it? I do not.

I mean, it's your only copies. I'd hate to...

Read it. It's called Are You There, God? It's Me, Dracula.

Oh, that's a terrible title.

It even has a 50 -page dictionary at the back so you can understand the bits

that I wrote in vamp English. It's a very old language I just made up.

Words cannot express how much I want to read it, but I got too much going on

here. I'm busy.

But you'll be less busy once Cedar gets back from his trip.

Are you kidding me?

I got more done this weekend than all last month, and we had two straight days

without a fire.

That's a record. Come on.

It's only 500 pages.

Some of it even rhymes.

I'm sorry, Bernie. My friend from Harvard is in town, and I don't even

to see him. Why don't you just take a day off?

Sorry.

No reason.

No one kind of got away from me.

A little drunk.

Sorry, Terry.

Drinking and archery do not mix. Well, we've all seen the commercial.

I wish you could have been there. What a mean thing to say.

So, what exactly were you doing?

LARPing. So, what exactly were you doing? Live -action role -playing. Fine,

don't tell me. We dressed in costume and hit each other with swords.

Of course you do.

It's a weekend full of magic, intrigue, wine, and wenches.

Sounds like a stuff of song.

Ooh, I already wrote one!

Locked into this. Oh, the wine, it wasn't flowing, and the wenches were a

-blushing. Okay, you will not believe who was there, too. Trevor Stiles.

Not that guy I've never heard of. He's like the Wayne Gretzky of LARPing. And

fought him. Good, you won. Now, help me with these comics.

We didn't win.

Nobody beats Trevor Stiles, but still, the bards will sing of it.

Oh, Trevor had his axe out on the wenches they was at. Okay. Well, I'm

enjoyed your day off.

That reminds me, I'm going to need Friday off as well. I want to have a

for all my Larking Bunny.

Oh, come on. I haven't had a day off in months.

So, take a day off.

The store literally cannot go a day without me. Please, Terry, I'm not

completely useless.

Remember, I built my own scissor hand?

Ah!

An afternoon will... Oh,

what's your name?

Oh, no.

The floor is open.

Now to do it up.

which I'm sure will be a total success and completely uneventful.

What a terrible example.

Come on, the store's doing fine, and I am getting better with money. Last week,

you tried to buy a $500 monkey on the black market. A smoking monkey? That

investment would have paid for itself. How would it have paid for itself?

We would have sold him the cigarettes, duh.

Yeah, I can't leave you alone.

Terry, the store is half mine.

Let me prove I can run it on my own.

Okay, I'll take the day off, and he'll be...

Just fine on his own.

Stop doing that.

All right. Take emergency numbers for the counter as well as instructions for

the espresso machine.

This just says do not use.

Exactly. For the love of God, do not use that machine. When you use that

machine, bad things happen.

Raina, I knew you'd come back.

I come here every day. Me too.

We have so much in common.

Not really.

Why, hello, Raina. One cappuccino?

I believe it is your favorite.

Thank you, Peter.

You made that?

With that machine?

What can I say? I have everything under control.

Okay.

Great. So, I'll just go.

Is this a sock? No refunds. I haven't paid yet.

That'll be $4.

Barry!

Barry Cloth! Terry Dextle!

Chet! Chet Guy!

Chet!

Geez, I didn't know we were doing names.

That's hilarious.

Well, you look good.

Oh, yeah, I don't know. I just threw this on. Man, is this your car?

Hey, no, man. Now it's your car.

What? Really? No, not really.

No, it's a rental.

Oh, I'm just so excited to see you, man.

Oh, God, I'm nervous. Are you nervous?

Okay. So what are you doing in town?

Company's expanding all over the world, my friend. Toronto, Vancouver, Dubai.

All right. Hong Kong.

Oh, listen to me. I'm just listing places.

Breathe. You're good. You're good.

We're going to build a facility around the corner from here, but... Turns out

this whole neighborhood's a sinkhole.

Why am I not surprised?

How are you, buddy? You smell great.

Ha! Ah, you know how it is. Pretty successful.

No, you're not.

He runs a comic book store with his brother. They sleep in bunk beds.

That's only partially true.

It's only partially true. Yeah, yeah.

What's that perfume you're wearing? Pulled pork.

Lame. Excuse me? You used that one last week. You're running out of material.

Well, you're running out of time to have a baby.

Two weeks ago.

Bernie, I need to talk to you. Why? Did you finally grow hair down there? Uh,

you tried that on me last week.

Let me guess.

Terry, you can't stop talking about my book. Now you want to read it, too. What

book? You wrote a book?

My preteen vampire novel, Are You There, God, It's Me, Dracula.

What a terrible title. What? I mean, you will really have to show it to me

sometime. I've got your copy right here.

Dear God, it's upsettingly large.

Thank you.

Look, um, Terry left me in charge of the store, and I can totally handle on my

own, but there's a bit of a situation.

Oh, how bad could it be?

I say, how about I buy you a car?

Hey, thanks so much for lunch, man. It was great hanging out with an adult.

Yeah, it was great.

Hey, come work with me.

What? You could run my Hong Kong office.

Chet, this is a huge opportunity. This could change my whole life.

I don't think I can leave my brother alone.

Well... Think it over.

You gotta know by noon tomorrow.

All right.

Oh, why, hello, Terry. Back so soon?

How time flies when nothing eventful is happening.

Everything looks totally normal.

It is normal, right, Bernie?

Totally normal. I didn't kiss a woman with a beard.

What was that?

What was that? See, I'm not a total screw -up who needs constant

I'm a professional.

Is that coming from the air vent?

That is the furnace.

Sounds like a monkey.

No, definitely the furnace. I will now go fix it like a professional would.

Okay.

It's like Peter's got everything under control.

Absolutely. You might even say a circus full of freaks never trashed the place.

Well, maybe I can go after all.

What? Go? Go where?

I just got offered a job in Hong Kong.

But, but, but... Okay.

It's a rat.

In a pillowcase. It's not a monkey.

In a pillowcase. He's angry.

I'll be right back.

You can't just leave.

He's gotten used to you being here.

He even spends extra time in the morning getting dressed so that you'll notice

me, him.

You're right.

I'll be crushed.

Unless I find the perfect time to tell him.

Like at that party you wanted to throw.

I'm not sure that's a great idea.

Too late.

That's why you don't tickle an Ewok.

Terry! Oh, thanks for helping.

This is so much better than my last party.

What are you looking at, dark bad jerk?

Worst birthday ever.

Yeah, so much better. No problem. That's what brothers are for.

Why the long face?

Did KFC raise the price of gravy again? Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before.

Here's a new one.

When Abigail entered the room, even the teachers laughed. It's not easy to do

your makeup when you can't see your reflection.

I think my brain just puked. That's chapter 37.

You read 37 chapters?

Get a room.

Terry, this party is awesome.

It's got everything.

It's got hot girl on bearded girl action.

She's old?

The worst haircut I've ever seen in my life. That is Trevor Stiles. He's a

LARPing king.

He's the coolest guy I know.

What? This guy?

This is the coolest guy you know? What about me?

Well, you're the second coolest.

Hey!

Okay, third coolest.

Trevor! Trevor! Of the House of Dial.

It is an honor to have you at our party. It really is.

I'm here for the wenches, the wine, and the chisolas.

Oh, and now, if I may, an elvish blessing.

He's so badass.

So, you're happy?

Oh.

I am so happy. Right now, I could take any news. Perfect. I got offered a job

Hong Kong, and I'm taking it.

What? When?

Tomorrow.

And you're telling me now?

Well, I wanted to wait till you were in a good mood.

So you could ruin it?

You're a snake.

You're a beer -soaked snake.

You're going to throw your beer at me, aren't you?

Surprise!

Yeah, I'll do it.

Who dares soak my cake?

Your ass is mine!

Tomorrow, 5 p .m., no holds barred.

Costume's optional.

Costume's optional.

You ladies are going to have one of your pretend pipes.

Nothing is pretend anymore.

Come, if we hurry, my mom will make us tuck.

Seriously.

I'm a dead man.

Don't worry.

Why? Because you have my back? Oh, no, wait, you don't, because you're leaving.

Thanks for nothing.

Do you want to tell me about what part you hate now?

Nope.

What about when Abigail wins the heart of her werewolf soccer coach by using

power of imagination?

Terrible. If you hate it so much, then why read it? I don't want to.

I have to finish every book that I start. It's a thing. Now get folding.

Huh.

Give that back to me!

I'm not finished hating it yet!

Do you want to find out what happens to Abigail at the spring formal?

No.

Does Justin bring her that garlic corsage?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Then you get folding.

Bernie, what am I going to do?

Peter, relax.

Perhaps with a good read.

Terry can't leave. I have a fight today. I don't know how to run this door. We

still haven't built a treehouse yet or planted that tree. Peter, the other day,

we chased away circus freaks, wrangled a monkey, and I kissed a bearded woman.

We lead full life.

That was one hour. Terry does it all day. If he waited for the perfect time,

he'd never leave.

Exactly. He should never leave.

I mean, why does he even want to go? Running a comic book shop is the dream

life. But maybe not his dream life.

You just blew my mind.

I have to let him go.

I know the perfect goodbye gift.

Get that book out of my paint!

Hey, Pete.

I've been thinking.

About the fight.

How about you cry like a little girl while I piss myself?

That way we'll be too pathetic to punch.

Y 'all number six.

Wait, so you're not leaving?

Can't let you. Fight him on your own? He's the Wayne Gretzky of... Larking.

Larking. Sure, who cares.

The point is, there will be other dream jobs at huge companies overseas.

No, there won't.

You're taking the job.

I can't.

Trevor's gonna beat you up, and you hate beatings.

I sure do, but fight's off.

What? No fight.

I simply apologize to Trevor, and it's all good. See, I took care of everything

on my own.

Wow.

Good for you.

So now you're free to hop on that plane and enjoy your in -flight jacuzzis and

shuffleboard. How do you know so little about planes? See, Terry, my dream job

is to run a comic book store, but you need to go out and find your own comic

book store.

Thanks. Sure, my comic book store is an actual comic book store. Okay. Every man

has his own comic book store.

Who knows what your comic book store will be? I'm saying comic book store.

Well, it's your last chance.

Come on, dive in. The water's fine.

I will almost miss the blame picket line.

You won't have to.

I wrote down a few of the favorite. They should get you through a few weeks.

These are terrible. Thank you. Let me just see.

This just says no.

Impressive.

Take care of yourself.

Yeah.

I hope you die in a plane crash.

Some god -awful disease.

Long as you die.

Oh, small penis. I just got that.

I'm really going to miss you, Peter. Terry. Great. Oh, and if in your travels

you come across a one -legged man who answers to the name of Vargas, tell him

want my life back. All right.

All right.

For the trip.

Mixed CD?

Nope, it's the audio copy of my book as read by me. Oh, you shouldn't have.

We all know you don't want that.

Give it to me.

Just give me a hint.

Is Montague going to repeat grade nine?

Come back soon.

Well, hopefully not.

Well, can I say, I'm going to miss you, man.

Don't speak.

Just, just go.

Yeah.

You want to get a drink?

Can't. I have a fight to train for.

I thought that got canceled.

Trevor Stiles never misses a fight.

No, I just couldn't let Terry stay for me.

But Trevor's going to beat the crap out of you. Don't worry, Bernie. I have a

plan. What's the plan?

To come up with a plan.

Got it.

Dan, I need you to train me.

Finally get into the Special Olympics?

I'm just joking. Those guys are real athletes.

I'm going to fight the guy who knocked you out. And the enemy of my enemy is my

friend's enemy.

Close enough.

All right, cream puff.

I'm in.

I'm out.

This looks like way too much work. But the enemy of my enemy. Hell, what do I

care? I hate both of you. Either he gets beat up or you do. Both ways, I win.

I'll show you.

Going through with

this? It's just something I have to do.

Alone.

Not quite.

You came.

We could not let you charge into battle alone.

Know this.

Whatever hell is unleashed here today, we will stand with you.

Holy shit, he brought a horse.

Yeah, we're out.

Damn it! Boleyn, do something!

He brought a goddamn horse!

Propel! For Armageddon.

Not quite yet.

I will stand with you.

Terry, you're here to save me.

No, actually, I didn't even know you needed saving.

I'm making this up as I go.

Why did you come back?

For me.

I came back because maybe my comic book store is actually a comic book store,

too. What the hell are you talking about?

The point is...

Maybe this is where I belong.

Ahem. Guy on a horse here.

Right, right.

Well, Trevor, looks like you're outnumbered. Oh, really? I don't think

To my side!

Okay, well, that was short -lived.

Guess this is it.

We're doomed.

Not for long.

Friend!

Now is the hour that we stand as men. Handsome ladies, thank you for coming

On this day, with my brother by my side, I say to all of you, whoever sheds

blood today shall be my brother too.

No chance.

10 % off comics for the rest of the month.

We're in.

The numbers favor us.

Do they?

Or do you need a new advocate?

I was

never very

good at math.

Time for ass -kicking is nigh!

Let's get our asses kicked now.

Together.

For the silver seven!

Now we start hitting them? Yes, Terry.

Now we start to hit them!

Actually, this is quite impressive.

Oh. We're not.

No, don't slap.

That's... No, it's not very... It's not very knightly.

All right, you got it. Game.

Oh, God.

Surrounded by Peter.

Oh, yes.

Victory is in sight. Now I will join the fray.

shoot the sword out of your hand?

Yeah, well, sorry doesn't unshoot my arm.

I had a bowling game this weekend. Well, I guess I don't, so I quit.

I didn't want to play anyway.

Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

Sorry, bad arrow safety.

Stupid game!

You were good out there.

Thanks, so were you.

They okay?

They're being read teen fantasy by a real live girl. This is their Christmas.

There they stood.

Two lockers filled not with books, but with the undead bodies of a prom king

queen. School's out for... never.

Finally. What a piece of crap.

To be continued. Oh, come on.

Come to congratulate us on our victory.

It was impressive. I know. True, I've never seen a man tickle someone into

submission before.

Not proud of that.

This is for you.

It just says maybe.

Oh.

See? Together we can handle anything.

Two brothers.

Stand alone.

Two people can't be alone.

Two brothers.

Versus the world. Why is it us versus the world? Come on, Terry.

Fine. Just this once.

Two brothers stand together against all odds in an epic battle for the fate of

all mankind. And they call themselves... You bastards!

I'm so proud of you!

That's a terrible title. What?

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