Original subtitles

Get out of my seat. That's my seat. It's almost 10 o 'clock. Actually, it's 10

.02. Oh, dear God, move!

Hey, hey, hey.

You okay?

Get out of my way. You make a better door than a window.

Burn, Terry, you got jacked. You're the worst window I've ever seen. What is

with Bernie?

10 o 'clock.

10 o 'clock?

Why am I so excited? What happens at 10 o 'clock?

New delivery guy.

Everyone looks better in slow motion.

He's not that great. You think he's hot, Bernie?

Bernie?

I don't know. I guess he said something about him. So handsome and charming.

Oh, wow. He's got an ass he can bounce your face off.

I have an ass.

No, that's not an ass.

That's just a hole in your back. Come on. True. You have a nasty back hole.

Uh -oh.

Bernie's going for the old pillar lean.

Swing him in.

Attractive people have that effect.

Yeah, but he's not that good looking, is he, Raina?

Raina?

Oh, come on.

Can you believe how the girls are acting, Peter?

Peter, please don't be up.

Of course.

I got a delivery for...

Portapalooza? That can't be right.

Yeah, it's Portapalooza. That's a terrible name. Shut up.

Where's my delivery?

Still in the truck.

Well, then it's not a delivery, is it, Jorge?

See, it's only a delivery once it's actually delivered.

What you have is a package on a truck. Yes, and if you want it off the truck,

you gotta move the van. What van?

Van.

Boyd!

Boyd!

Boyd, move your van!

Why would I do that? I got southern exposure here. It does wonders for my

perennial. Well, you can't park here.

Where's it say that?

It's on the pavement underneath your van. Here, I'll show you.

Oops, my mistake.

Pepe, get the chair.

My azalea!

Wow.

That looked amazing. Yeah, it's for Bernie.

Give me a little pick -me -up. Oh, me too. I'm sad about that thing. I wish I

had a chocolatey drink.

Yeah. I don't know why she always falls for unattainable men.

Maybe because they can walk through walls. That is not what unattainable

I just wish there was more we could do, you know? Well, every time we try to

help Bernie, it backfires.

Bernie.

Yeah. You fell asleep at work.

Remember that haircut you've been wanting?

Surprise. What?

I got you a gift card and a salon. You can finally get that haircut you wanted.

Oh, my God.

Peter, what did you do?

Happy birthday.

If it makes her feel any better, I happen to know a certain delivery guy

thinks she's quite a catch.

Peter, that's great. You think you can get him to ask her out?

Peter?

Did you drink the special coffee?

Mm -mm. Good, because I made it extra hot. It's so hot. Yeah.

You've never been in the store before.

It's because you're creepy.

I want to buy these. No business.

That's why I bought this chair.

We're wanting to take it for a spin. First ride's on me.

Come on.

I'll set it to stimulate.

Ew. I could be your daughter. Why isn't it doing anything? I'm just going to

take these.

As a pervert tax.

Did you unplug my chair?

Consider it a warning.

That's what you get when you mess with me.

Check. And mate. Oh, okay.

Don't beat yourself up. Trying to take me on is a classic military mistake.

Like trying to wage a winter land war against Russia, history was destined to

repeat itself.

Damn history!

One latte, please.

But first, pour yourself a hot cup of sexy time.

Whipped cream option. Oh, my God.

I hear you're fond of delivery guys.

We'll step right up and claim your prize.

What's happening here?

I'm delivering your delivery guy.

You do know that I meant the hot delivery guy that we were all looking at

yesterday, not the comic book delivery guy, right? I did not know that. I would

never go for him.

Well, him would never go for you.

Unless you reconsider.

Nope. Well, then, just know, you missed out.

Big time.

Hello, Mother. I will be joining you for dinner after all.

A set -up? Do you really think I'm that desperate?

No. Yes. Well, I'll show you desperate.

What time is it? Ten? Perfect.

You, go out with me.

Sure. What? Really? Yeah. I've been meaning to ask you out, but I'm kind of

Can I pick you up at eight?

That sounds amazing.

Great.

Looks like somebody's got a date.

Just for you.

You're going to need a haircut.

You, out of the chair.

Paying customers only. I am a paying customer.

Oh, really?

So either admit defeat or I'm staying right here and there's nothing you can

about it.

Not the face.

Really.

I'm corrected.

That is not good.

That was a big date.

Was it a dream come true? I bet it was. It was.

Magic.

Champagne, a helicopter tour of the city, and then dinner at Le Cliché. Wow,

sounds expensive.

Nah, I threw it on my credit card. That's future Bernie's problem.

Wait, so you paid for everything? I had to. Pavel's money's been held up because

his Bolivian bank exploded.

Exploding banks.

That's why I keep my money in a sock in our gerbil cage.

We don't have a gerbil cage. It exploded.

And we're spending a week in Aruba. I took care of everything. Our fair

met. Make sure you give him some spending money.

I don't think that's a good idea. Oh, I'm late.

Time to get paddled his brand new Rolex.

You bought him a Rolex?

Apparently it's the only kind of watch he can wear. He's got sensitive wrists.

It's a real thing.

What are we going to do? He's obviously using Bernie and it's all our fault.

Perry, it's just money. What does it matter who spends what? What did you

Miniature grappling hook.

The point is she's happy.

I just don't trust him. He can't be bad. He's tall. I'm tall. And you're the

best. And look how nice he's being to Candy.

Wait a second.

Candy's horrible.

Pavel's tall.

Bernie likes Pavel.

I'm hungry.

Add it up. He's a scumbag. What are we going to do? I have a foolproof plan. I

hate it already. We videotape Pavel hitting on another woman and then we

blackmail him into leaving Bernie alone.

Where do we get the woman?

Well, hello, you beautiful creature.

Well, hello to you. I have oodles of money. I don't know who to spend it on.

What does he say?

Oodles.

That's my favorite number.

Come away with me.

This is so sudden. What of your lady friend, Bernadette?

Oh, I never loved her. I'm just a scumbag. Nobody knows it yet.

Guess what?

This is a sting.

I'm not actually a Southern Belle.

Well, I'm not actually a Pavel.

Well, I'm not actually Peter.

Well, I'm not actually Dan.

Huh.

Why not?

Well, that took an unexpected turn. Or I could come up with a plan that'll

actually work.

I love it.

Hi. Do you guys know anything about this note? It says, Dear Pavel, it's Bernie.

Meet me in the comic book store at 10. P .S. Don't tell me about this. If you

see me, sign Peter.

Sounds genuine.

Bernie didn't write that note.

I did.

Yeah.

We don't like how you're treating Bernie.

She's a friend of ours, and we're not going to let you hurt her.

I see.

Well, if that's how you feel, then I guess I should just go.

Tell Bernie I said goodbye.

That was easy.

We should meddle more often.

Yeah, well, here comes the hard part.

Hey, guys.

Do you know anything about this note?

Me, Pavel, you, comic book shop, come now, Peter?

Yeah, I wrote that one in a hurry. Bernie, we need to talk.

About Pavel and all the money you've been spending on him. Oh, he paid all

back.

Okay. What we really need to talk about is Pavel and Candy in the parking lot.

Wasn't that hilarious?

He was buttering her up so she'd change my schedule. Now we can go on that

cruise I told you about.

Oh, stop.

So now would be a bad time to tell you that we chased him off.

What are you talking about? We thought he was using you, so we told him to go

away.

I see.

Pavel! Don't go! You're safe!

Are you sure?

I'll kill you! I'll kill both of you!

Pretty sure.

Oh, Pavel, you're here!

Hi. Bernie, please don't kill your friend. Listen to Pavel. We love Pavel.

Pavel's the best. Hooray, Pavel. They might be crazy, but they care about you.

He's right. We're crazy about you. So crazy. Look at me. I'm laying my hand on

fire. Crazy.

Yeah, and I'm kind of crazy about you, too.

You are? Oh, that is so sweet.

In fact, I love you. Okay, that's a little soon.

Pavel, I love you, too. Um, do you?

Why? Oh, my God.

I was hoping you'd be my wife.

Oh, my God. Say yes. Say yes.

Yes. A thousand times yes. It's so beautiful.

Come here.

Peter, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That I am never getting married.

Thanks for bringing that up.

I can't believe Bernie is going to marry this guy.

She's becoming a woman right in front of our eyes.

Oh, my God.

Do we have to have the talk? She barely even knows you.

She's going to get hurt.

We have to talk. When a man and a woman love each other very much, the penis

becomes very angry.

I was not done leaving my message. I don't like this. It's all happening so

fast. How will we ever adjust?

Wedding gifts.

We're not getting them capes. Then I am out of ideas.

Time to check the classified.

Is she into casual encounters?

Black widower weaves his web.

Harry, come on, focus. We're talking about cape. No, there's a murderer on

loose.

Oh, my God.

It says here he poses as a delivery man.

Whirlwind romance. Huge insurance policy.

Elaborate killing machine. Excellent dancer. Why would they mention that? Oh,

God. That sounds just like Boyd.

No, it sounds nothing like Boyd. Have you seen him dance? He's like a dream.

Peter, it's Pavel. Do you know what this means?

God, Boyd is Pavel. Our best friend is going to marry a murderer, and it's all

our fault.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

We have to stop Boyd. Pavel. Pavel, I know. I'm just so excited.

Let's go.

What the... Well, this is the kind of place a shepherd could happily

spend thousands on.

Basketballs, free weights, ringette sticks, and more.

But what is this?

Some kind of massage chair.

What a nice treat after a long day of

shipping. Nice try, Boyd.

You really think you can fool me with that stupid disguise?

Who's Boyd?

Bernie, are you here?

Yep, be right out.

Thank God. We're not too late.

Oh, my God, you look beautiful.

Did you get my message? Yeah, I know how sex works.

Wow, you do look... Wait a minute, you got a dress already?

Well, duh. If I'm getting married today, I'm gonna need a dress.

I bet you feel pretty silly now.

Uh, today?

Why the rush?

Oh, some immigration thing, I assume.

He says he's trying to stay one step ahead of the authorities.

I bet.

Um, you need to see this.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe I've been so blind.

Hey, don't beat yourself up.

You two find it so impossible that a nice guy would want to marry me that

trying to make him look like some...

What, kill her?

Nailed it.

We're not just going to sit by and let you marry this guy.

Well, you don't have to, because you're not invited.

Now get out.

Sorry, Terry.

I'll bring you some cake. You too.

Ah, piss.

Why wouldn't she listen to us? She's going to marry a killer.

Unless we get rock -solid evidence.

And I know just where to find it.

Let's do this quickly and quietly.

Two men raking in anger as stealthy as ninjas fighting for friendship.

Hey, who's ringing?

It's not a password.

Oh, how the hell did that happen?

Huh, you get anything?

Nothing,

just his purse full of bloody knives. Ooh, and a piece of candy at the bottom,

not for long. Oh, my God, Peter, this is exactly the evidence we need. Victory

music!

I'm trying to lock out.

I will simply remove the fuses. No, no, no, no, no, no!

I got a putter for you so smooth you could shave with it. I'm wearing a I

golf T -shirt.

Uh -huh. Are you an asshole?

It's a fair question. Why are you here?

I heard something about a massage chair.

Ha! And they said it wouldn't work.

Excellent. Why don't you relax, sit down, and we'll figure out exactly what

can sell you. I'll buy anything you want after a relaxing massage.

So, where is it?

Yeah, it's right over...

Well, well, well.

So good of you to join us, Pavel. Or should we call you the Black Widower?

I prefer Pavel.

As you can tell, the silver salmon's not on fire. That note was just a brilliant

ruse. Why didn't you get a note? So, what are you doing here? Coffee.

Right. Well, there won't be any coffee today.

Only explanations. You see, like all master criminals, you made one tragic

mistake. You left your van unlocked.

I don't think that's a crime.

No, but killing women for money is. Or killing them at all.

Oh, yeah, right. So, how do you explain this?

Oh, obviously I can't.

You're not even going to try? This was way more fun in rehearsal.

You got me dead to rights. I suppose you got the police waiting in the other

room to arrest me.

Yes?

Terry! I think Pavel's the killer.

Yeah, thanks, Pete. Gentlemen, behold the means of your death.

When this champagne goes through this labyrinth, it will drop the bucket,

releasing the wind -up duct, which will waddle over to the candle, and then,

well, long story short, knives in the eyes.

That's so cool.

Yeah. I need to kill it.

What? Nothing. No, this will probably work. It's going to be awesome.

Yeah.

No. If you'll excuse me, I got a wedding to attend.

Cheers.

Quick, we got to get out of this. Not yet. I want to see a duck thing go down.

Duck thing is going to put nine in our eye.

Somehow. Right.

That makes me angry.

Oh, great.

Havel won't like me when I'm angry.

Was it green or just infected?

How would you know? Stop screwing around.

Me? Every time I go along with one of your ideas, it winds up like this. Oh,

like this, with a tape to tear in front of an elaborate death machine.

Yes, every time. You're being ridiculous.

It is so gross

that you're doing this here.

Why are we doing this here? Can't we wait, plan a real wedding? No.

We can't wait because I love you so much.

Aw. It's like a hunger deep inside me. A vicious, violent, all -consuming

hunger.

Oh?

Dearly beloved, we are here to celebrate love. It comes in many forms.

The love of a man for his woman, a woman for her man, or the perfectly

understandable love of a man for his chair.

You're a priest?

Oh, yes, at the Church of Numerology. I got it online.

I hate this mall so much. Now to conduct this service in the tradition of my

church as timed by this dramatic countdown clock.

What's that for?

I don't want to die like this.

Scared and peeing.

Oh, come on. You're peeing? Not yet.

This is how it ends.

There's so much I wanted to do. So much I wanted to see. So much rain I wanted

to touch.

I can't let you die like this. What are you going to get us out of this? The

next best thing.

Stop it.

Stop tickling me.

No brother of mine is dying scared.

He'll die laughing. Stop it, Peters.

I'm going to kill you. This is my gift to you, Terry.

You son of a bitch. Laugh in the face of death, Terry.

Laugh.

We did it.

We survived.

Stop tickling me. And Bernie, do you solemnly promise in front of this

Oh, this is like a bad reality show where people marry their pets.

To honor and love, Pavel.

As long as you both shall live.

Oh, no.

Sorry. That's an inside joke.

Go.

I... I don't. What?

You're smart and handsome, but we just met. I don't really know anything about

you. If you loved me, you'd wait.

But, Bernie, isn't it the most important thing that I do love you?

And that I will always love you until I kill you for the life insurance money?

Excuse me?

Wow.

That was awkward.

Damn it! How are we going to open the door? Get on it! Okay.

Thank you, miniature grappling hook.

I'm going to miss Bernie. And you said this was a stupid thing to buy.

Yes.

Come on.

Don't do it. Stop the wedding. Stop the wedding. Stop the wedding. He's a

murderer. Pavel is a murderer.

Yeah, we figured it out.

Oh. Knew it. Only a psycho would marry you. I just won 50 bucks.

You escaped, and I guess by now you've called the police.

What's happening?

Terry, I can't see. Be my eye.

Well, there's a lot of pigeons in the parking lot. Say, I do, and signed a

life insurance policy. Don't do it. I think it's a trap. Of course it's a

Perry, you've got to see this pigeon.

Hi, Dan.

Okay, boy, no more games.

I want my chair back or else.

Never mind. Keep the chair.

Yes.

I owe you 50 bucks.

Carry on.

What? Bye, Dan.

Okay, enough.

Enough betting on... my life, enough of you two meddling, enough of your

ridiculous church, and enough of you trying to kill me.

Holy crap, nice punch.

What happened?

Did we win?

Is she okay?

Was it awesome?

Yeah.

He's got a French bite in his mouth. He looks like he's smoking.

Seriously? Yeah.

Come on, I gotta see it. Okay, hold on. Look at it.

Is it good?

It's my pride.

Sad part is he isn't even the worst guy I've dated. He tried to kill you. Yeah.

Wanted in poor country. True, but remember Barry?

Oh, the guy with all those freckles?

Oh, they were so creepy. Yeah. Nasty.

Sorry your wedding was such a disaster.

It wasn't all bad. I got this kick -ass wedding present from Boyd.

He said they made better friends, whatever that means.

Let's get drunk.