All language subtitles for Almost Heroes s01e06 The Law

Another great day.

You locked us out of the store all day
and we couldn't sell anything.

Technically. And it rained. A lot.

And that stray dog chased us. He sure
did.

And we had to hide in a dumpster. Oh, I
remember that. Then the garbage truck

came. We almost died.

How was that a great day? We were
together?

Yeah.

Night, Peter. Night, Terry.

You're coming with me, Dr.

Squid. Not today, Octo -Shark.

Taste ink.

Do you mind?

Uh, sure. Do you want to be Octoshark or
Dr.

Squid? I want to be Professor Slumber.

Awesome. I got them right here.

Check out his cool battle pillows.

Yeah.

Hey. It's bedtime.

No more talking.

You got me. Peter. What? I just got
these. I have to break them in.

Just do it quietly.

Fine. That wasn't me.

It came from next door.

Break it.

We should arm ourselves.

Finally.

Are you wearing a cape? Obviously. What
the hell are you going to do with a

cape? A cape distracts your enemy and
makes you a harder target to hit.

Why do you think heroes wear them all
the time? See?

Look. Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

I tripped on my cape. I think you should
stay here.

Oh, shit.

Bernie? Oh, hey, Terry.

Are you breaking into your own store?

No, I broke out.

I fell asleep in the back hiding from
customers, and when I woke up, I

I forgot my keys.

Couldn't you just use the fire door at
the back?

You've got to be careful. It's dangerous
out here. Oh, don't worry. I'm fine.

No, I don't mean for you.

I'd rather run.

Okay,

I'm tangled.

I'm very tangled. This tape is a death
trap.

A little too quiet.

Edmund, it's quiet since the day you
forgot to flip the open sign.

Yeah, I didn't notice till five, but I
got a lot done that day. Maybe we should

be closed more often. No.

What am I doing wrong? Am I missing
something?

Maybe you should look at your checklist.

Light on.

Open sign?

Flipped. Dress as pirate? Well, if it's
on the list, I guess we have to.

This one's yours.

Did you change my checklist?

How'd you know?

Well, several things. The handwriting
has a distinct left slope.

It's in blue ink. I remember using
black. Also, I'm not a giant idiot.

Terry, come on, man. You gotta relax.

Your list was all work, work, work,
work.

But I've added fun things like number
seven.

Play 20 questions with Peter? If he
insists.

Yeah, I'm not playing. I'll get it
started.

Alive, 19 left. I refuse to participate.

It is a woman.

18 left.

What's going on in the parking lot? The
answer is Wonder Woman.

Oh, it is.

Look at all the customers, and they're
heading this way.

Terry, this is it. This is the moment.
Our moment.

Together. We're broke.

Now. More than ever. That one got away
on you a little bit, didn't it? I'm just

so excited. Me too.

Me too.

And welcome to... Statitude.

Should have seen that one coming. Too
early to drink?

He's crazy in there. Everyone's like, do
you ever say six in these? No.

Did these come in red?

Buzz off. Can you ring this up? What am
I, your mother? Why is it so busy, and

how did we get that?

Word got out about the...

Break -in. It's been all over Action
City News. It even bumped a piece about

horse who can do math.

That horse is a fraud as long as it's in
stuff.

So there is no such thing as bad
publicity.

I mean, I can do fractions. No one gives
me a sugar cube. Let's move on from the

horse. Well, I probably shouldn't just
stand here avoiding work.

I think I'll walk around the block.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep. I'm done with race.

What? No, no.

A robbery brought all these customers
into fatitude.

So? So, no raisins? We fake a break -in
at our own store.

Terry, you want us to become criminals?

I want us to be successful.

Villainy is a slippery slope.

Would you like to be on the news?

I don't know. You can wear your cape. Do
this.

Boyd, how exactly did Sassafy get robbed
last night? You're supposed to be

security.

Boyd?

Wake up. Oh, wow.

Wow. I just had this crazy dream where I
was behind the wheel of my van, and you

were there. You were trying to wake me
up. No, Boyd, that just happened.

I can see the future.

That was the past.

I can see the past.

Okay, Boyd, I don't want any more break
-ins at the mall, all right? You're

going to have to start doing your job.
All you have to do is ask. I'm with you

100%. Good.

Can't let this happen again.

There you are.

Okay, Terry, I've got it all planned
out.

We need to make it look like an inside
job.

Well, that might not be the best idea,
since it will be an inside job. Right.

Then we need to make it look like we've
put up a struggle.

I can shoot you in the leg. No. The arm?
No. What if I just graze you? Don't

worry, I'll still shoot you, but only a
little bit. Peter, please, don't be

ridiculous. Would it be ridiculous to
burn our fingerprints off so we don't

leave a trace?

Peter, this is our store. Our prints
should be all over the place.

Son of a bitch.

Fine. What kind of break -in do you
want? The simple kind.

No guns, no cape. Get in, get out.

Well, it's so crazy, it just might work.

Careful, careful. The real crooks aren't
careful. They just smashed the door.

How much does this cost?

Twelve bucks.

Wow, that is just so odd. Plains might
be so bad with money.

Real crooks would make a huge mess.

Yeah, but this is our place.

Don't worry.

Everyone will just think we were robbed
by really considerate crooks who didn't

want us to pay for broken glass. They
took the door off the hinges, wiped

feet, and left without making a mess.

All right!

It's clearly the owners. Let's book
them.

You're going to book us. What can I say?

Hate paperwork.

Wouldn't you have to file more
paperwork?

What?

Maybe a little math is a good idea.

Okay, let's see.

Ooh.

Thundergut. Fighting crime with the
power of gas.

That never sells.

Ooh.

Bleeding gums. Is this a comic put up by
the Dental Association?

I don't think so.

Whatever. Ooh, I'll get the money out of
the till. Ooh, there isn't any money in

the till. I bought a burrito.

Perfect. We're all set.

Not quite.

What are you doing?

I am leading a nice false trail.

The lead to...

You'll see.

Whoa, yes!

Boom! Now we'll look like the burglars
spontaneously combusted.

Case closed.

It's like your mouth is just a delivery
system for nonsense.

You're welcome.

Hello, Action City News?

I think someone broke into our store.
Oh, and your horse is a fraud!

So, I understand you were robbed.

Yes, it was scary.

But not as scary as our low, low prices.

How do you feel knowing this is the
second time this mall has been broken

in two days?

What can I say?

It was a shock. But not as big a shock
as our wide selection of popular titles.

Our selection of action figures is so
large that we actually robbed our own...

Back to you, Action News. I say that.

Back to the newsroom. We did it.

Excellent choice.

And you have a wonderful day.

This is how business is supposed to be.
All it took was breaking the laws that

bind our community together. Hey, come
on. We robbed our own store. We didn't

even claim insurance.

It's a victimless crime.

Yes, sir, Mr. Matsumoto. No, I totally
agree.

Two break -ins is unacceptable, but...
What?

You don't mean that.

You do.

But I would urge you... You look upset.

Why don't we turn that frown into a date
with me?

I'd rather have a cup of scalding coffee
thrown in my face.

Hmm.

And... I'm out.

Sorry. My boss is going crazy. One more
break in and someone's going to lose

their job.

Victimless crime, eh? Shut up, Peter.
There's always a victim.

Hey,

guys. Taking a break?

Oh, yeah. We are busy. We are busier
than the president of Busy on St.

Bissington's Day. Well said.

Thank you.

Oh. You guys saw how much publicity we
got from our break -in.

And then you mysteriously get robbed.

I don't know what you're implying. You
broke into your own store.

Gosh, you scanned our brain. Guard your
remaining thoughts.

Do you have any remaining thoughts?

Do you guys realize how much trouble
Raina's gonna get in after the second

-in? One of which was you.

I'm just saying, you're putting all of
our asses on the line. Oh, I love my

All right, both of you just relax, all
right? We'll be fine as long as we keep

our mouth shut.

No one will suspect a thing.

Yeah, clearly the owners. Let's book
them. He's got a gun!

Sorry, sorry. I gotta go, honey.

Sorry about that.

Just booking my wedding band.

I'm thinking about going with the
owners.

You ever heard of them?

Either them or inside job.

Right.

So, uh, what can we do for you, officer?

What's it say here about you guys being
broken into?

What? Broken into?

That's hilarious.

Yes, we were. Terry made me do it, and I
will tell you everything. Thank you.

And you never made an official police
report.

You know how suspicious that looks?

There's only one reason why people don't
call the police after a crime's been

committed. Because they're clearly
guilty? Will you?

Because they've lost faith in the police
department.

And I have. Yeah, I mean, who can blame
us? I mean, you're never there when we

need you. Our store was just broken into
and you haven't even caught us. Them,

them, them. You're right, but I swear to
you, I'm my mother's grave.

These crooks will do hard time.

That's more like it.

Let's roll out, Cookie.

Two break -ins in one week, Boyd?

Tonight, I need you to stake out them
all.

Stake out? Oh, tonight's still good.
I've already made plans.

Staying up in my van all night, eating
junk food, monitoring the comings and

goings to the mall. That's what a
stakeout is.

Well, things just got interesting.

I told you it was a slippery slope.
Today we're breaking into our own store.

Tomorrow we're robbing banks with
harpoon guns. We're not robbing a bank.

really? Then what am I going to do with
this?

Give me that.

Where did you get this?

Craigslist. The crime spree is over, all
right? The store is busier than ever.

Raina's boss will forgive her, and no
one suspects a thing.

I know what you did.

Dan.

What are you talking about?

Oh, I just like saying that randomly to
people. Be amazed what they might

confess to.

Saw the cops talking here, too.

Is there any law against being a pussy?

Uh, they were just trying to track down
the robber.

Oh, right. That break -in that you
mysteriously slept through in the store

live in. That's the one.

Bye -bye.

After Thastu got robbed, I installed a
security camera outside.

Should get a pretty good look at whoever
robbed your store last night.

I'll send that tape off to the cops
first thing tomorrow.

Nighty -night, pretend grown -ups.

Is now the part where we start to panic?

It is. Oh, good.

I'm sorry to get press. It was a good
idea.

It sounds like a good idea. I mean,
listen to it. Rob our store.

Get press.

I go along with that every time.

That should have been a clue.

Just put yourself together. We've done
worse fixes than this before, and you

always think of something.

Oh, please. I'd like to turn myself in.
Terry!

No! You're being hysterical.

You're right. I'm sorry.

All we need to do is to think this
through and work together.

Hello again, police. Sorry, we got cut
off. Terry!

No!

I'm going to turn myself in. I'll keep
you out of it. We don't have any other

choice. It's the sensible thing to do.

See, that's the problem.

You're the sensible one, and the time
for sensible is over.

Let's get nuts.

Wait, hey.

Oh, well, you could go to jail. Or you
could pull one last break in to get the

tape back from Dan's door.

Break in to Dan's door.

The best idea I've ever heard.

Well, we're doing it anyway.

What's in the briefcase?

They called in some favors to get back
up for tonight's stakeout.

Behold, the Stunmaster 3000.

Take out a 300 -pound protester in a
single shot.

Where did you get this?

Craigslist.

I wanted a harpoon gun, but someone beat
me to it.

So, who's just a security guard now?

I never said you were just a security
guard. I said you were barely a security

guard. Oh, sorry.

You know, maybe I'll come along with you
on that stakeout tonight.

Just to make sure you don't do anything
crazy.

Sure, but I'm taking my stun gun with
me.

Uh, I think it might be safer if I held
on to that.

Here's the plan.

Bernie, you're over here watching the
door. Harry, you're up on the roof.

Why the roof? So you can rappel down the
front of the store with a ninja -like

grace. How would I do that? Because it
looks cool.

I'm going to run a zigzag pattern
through the minefield.

The parking lot's supposed to be mined
now? Oh, yeah.

While I plant the plastic explosives,
Bernie's gonna distract the guard.

fake! Ooh, is he cute? He is if you find
giant robots. Cute. Beep, beep. You

will be my flesh and blood.

Yeah, okay, fine.

This only took me 14 hours to make, but
we're done now.

And I wanted to see where things were
gonna go with this robot.

Guys, I think we need a much simpler
plan.

Fine. Bernie, you create a distraction
while Terry and I go through the front.

Why would I help with any of this?

Because if you don't, I'll tell the cops
you broke out of your own store.

And friendship?

And friendship?

Fine, then, for friendship.

So this is the whole plan?

Almost.

Okay, got some mooshu pork, bean curd,
and rice. Where should we start?

Boyd?

Boyd?

Son of a bitch.

Point at me again while we're wearing
pirate costume, because if we get

pirates will take the blame. Also, great
things always happen when I'm wearing

this costume.

Hey, look!

A quarter!

Point at me again while we're wearing
pirate costume, because if we get

pirates will take the blame. Also, great
things always happen when I'm wearing

this costume.

Hey, five bucks!

Lucky costume!

Hey, look!

A quarter!

Point at me again while we're wearing
pirate.

costumes because if we get spotted,
pirates will take the blame. Also, great

things always happen when I'm wearing
this costume.

All right, we're here. Why did that
thing take so long? I don't know.

Okay, cardboard Dan. Cardboard Dan.

All right, all right. Now, to get us in.

Watch out. Watch out.

Watch out.

If we get caught breaking into this
door, Raina will be in serious trouble.

That's because somebody was too afraid
to repel.

Don't worry.

I'll get us in with this.

A little jiggle up. A little jiggle
down.

Oops.

I may have accidentally dropped the card
in the store.

There is now a credit card with your
name on it locked in the store. Yes.

Never fear. I shall retrieve it with my
driver's license. Sure you will.

Went down. Oops. I see that coming. Yep.

Third time's a charm. I'll use my birth
certificate. Go for it.

Yeah, that's gone. And there it is. I'm
going to borrow your wallet.

Pirates!

Raina! Pirates! You're dreaming. Go back
to sleep.

No, look!

It almost looks like a pirate. God help
us. Nothing stops pirates.

Lose a hand, they slap on a hook. Lose a
leg, they slap on a peg.

Lose an eye, they slap on a parrot.

Son of a bitch!

Don't worry, we'll get everything back
using the leafs to our store.

You can't be that.

Raina, I am so sorry.

Just like pirates.

Not on my watch. Time to shiver some
timbers.

Let's roll.

I just zapped Bernie.

I'll lose my job.

I'll go to jail. I'm ruined.

Keep going. Keep going. Oh, boy's got a
plan.

Just gently hand over the sunblock.

Gently.

Gently.

Got the security tape back.

Yep, my plan worked.

I'm pretty sure it was my plan.

You wouldn't even have had a plan if my
plan hadn't backfired.

What happened to you last night?

Well... It's still a

little fuzzy.

So I didn't know you guys were actually
going to rob Sportapalooza.

What do you mean? That was my whole
plan.

My plan. No, you guys don't understand.

Crap. Look what your plan did.

Somebody must have seen the broken glass
and pulled off a real heist. The police

are going to put a mind worm in my ear
and force me to tell the truth. Peter,

hold yourself together.

Nobody's on to us.

I'm on, dear.

Oh, Dan.

That boy's pretty ballsy. Breaking the
window to steal that surveillance tape.

Shame he didn't remember to steal the
surveillance tape of last night's break

-in.

Damn it. I knew you forgot something.
What a terrible plan.

Nice disguises, though.

Couldn't tell it was you because you
were dressed up as pirates.

Only I could tell it was you because...

You were dressed up as pirates.

That doesn't sound like us.

I cleaned out my store.

When the insurance company gets a look
at the tape of you boys breaking in, I

should make a small fortune.

Thanks to you two assholes.

You're welcome.

Don't say you're welcome.

My insurance adjuster now.

Let's see how much I'm gonna make.

You got Dan.

Uh -huh.

I think.

Fantastic.

Apparently they don't cover acts of
piracy.

Woo -hoo!

Pirates rule!

Now I gotta load the whole store back in
from that truck.

What truck? My truck.

What?

Somebody stole my truck! No.

Damn it, it was right there!

Huh. I guess when you have three fake
break -ins in a week, you're bound to

attract real criminal... I hate you
guys.

You look exhausted.

I mean, beautifully... Not gonna say
this one.

Exhausted.

I was up all night staking out the mall
with Boyd.

Really? Did you catch up?

Them. Them?

Actually... They got away.

So no one got fired?

Oh, someone did, my boss.

I'm sorry?

I'm not. Mr. Matsumoto was a douche. He
wasn't even Japanese. He just thought it

sounded efficient.

That's great news.

I can't believe we got away with it.

Truly was the perfect crime.

I knew it was you all along.

Oh, no.

Yes. I want you to play I Knew It Was
You All Along as our first band.

Wedding band.

Don't get me started.

Can we help you?

Yep. Sold the crime.

Found these burned boots set up by the
dumpster.

Oh, my God.

Footsteps match the ones leaving your
store.

I dusted them for fingerprints, but they
were not.

There's only one explanation.

The criminal is spontaneously combusted.

Boom! Two for two.

Well, thanks for telling us.

Well, I hope this restores your faith in
the police department.

Where's my gun?

Who's the idiot now?

That guy.