All language subtitles for Almost Heroes s01e05 Their Hero

Hey Peter, I thought of a great new
promotion for the store.

Wow.

I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. And
Peter, hang on to this one. It feels

right. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Laugh if you want to. I just did. It was
good. But this is the kind of promotion

we need.

Cannon's the way!

It's Colonel Cannon?

Oh, I remember that show.

He fought crime every week by shooting
himself out of a cannon.

For some reason.

Hey, check this out.

Dirk Masters, TV's original Colonel
Cannon, is in town shooting a

Oh, my God. Don't care. It's for high
-fiber bacon. You know, the breakfast

treat you can enjoy on the toilet?

Is that their slogan?

That reminded me. They are reissuing the
first Colonel Cannon comic this month.

Oh, my God. Still don't care. You will.

Remember how his arch -nemesis was the
Rat King?

Oh, no, no. We're not giving away rats.

I already bought them. You what?

Don't worry. All 200 of them are safe
and sound inside this cage.

Huh. They're all gone.

Of course they are.

I can let the lid off.

Right for the best.

Go on. While all the rats were left
over, I was going to feed to our new pet

snake.

What pet snake?

That 12 -foot bow constrictor in that
cage right there.

Huh. It's gone too.

Just out of curiosity, what was in that
cage?

You don't want to know.

aren't you i'm a little mad yeah because
of the rats uh mostly the rats the

important thing is we did something fun
today to celebrate colonel cannon we run

a business it's not supposed to be fun
it's a comic book shop everything about

it's supposed to be fun i used to brush
my teeth with tang why would you brush

your teeth with tang because i wanted
the smile of an astronaut ever since you

came back it's been all money money
bitches and honey okay that is a

impression of me

But it's not true. Oh, yeah? You're all
about the bottom line. You're Mr. Buy

High, Sell Low.

You see, that's exactly why you're not
allowed near the money.

Fine, then I'll just get away from you
and your precious... the money.

Ah, damn it! Why did I put all the rat
crap back here?

Son of a... Oh, that one's on the pinky.

What was that all about?

Is he going to be okay?

Yeah, he'll be all right. Just buy him
dinner next door at Luigi's. Who can say

mad after all you can eat garlic bread?

Yeah, they closed.

What are you talking about? They just
opened. Apparently the health inspector

was there this morning and he found
rats.

It's ridiculous. Why would we release a
bunch of rats?

Excuse me? What?

Nothing.

There you are.

On the house.

Thanks.

Now I've got to find a tenant who likes
the smell of garlic and rat poison.

Hey,

a snake.

One double decaf mochaccino, easy on the
foam.

Well, aren't you gonna ask me?

Ask you what?

Why I'm so happy even though I hate my
job and Candy just told me I look like a

pile of failure in a hat.

You're not wearing a hat. I know. What a
bitch.

Why are you so happy?

Drunk? No.

I am dating the best guy. He's a bouncer
who also does a little cage fighting,

but I know that underneath it all, even
though I have no reason to believe it,

he's super thoughtful and sweet and he
just broke up with me.

What? God, I am so tired of dating
jerks. What happened to the guy, Keaton?

seemed nice.

Yeah, that's the problem. If the guy's
too nice, I become the jerk.

I've moved to France. Do not follow.

Fine.

Need the chocolate.

Point is, I love chocolate.

I think you'll find this is the perfect
location for your daycare.

Uh, Raina, I don't think that's a good
idea.

Why not?

Let's say there's something wrong with
the door. Something snaky.

Don't be ridiculous, Boyd. I'm so sorry.

Where did all your kids go?

Oh, my God.

The children are over there looking at
the snake.

Oh, wow. A snake. I did not see that
coming.

Really? Isn't that what you were trying
to warn me about?

No. They just waxed the floor in there.

Slippery. You said snaky. Did I?

That's weird.

Hey, Peter, we need to talk. What's
wrong? Am I having too much fun?

I am a robot.

Beep, beep. I am filing comics. I have
no heart.

I was built to hate.

What are you doing?

I am being a robot to prove I am not
having fun at work.

It kind of looks like more fun. Yeah, it
really is.

Look, I thought about what you said, and
you're right. So I say, for once, we

forget about the money and have all the
fun you want.

Oh, my God. Call a taxi. We're going to
the...

Wow. You know how long I've been wearing
these trunks under these tearaways for?

Six weeks. All right. Or, even better,
we spend the afternoon with your hero,

Colonel Cannon.

Yeah, right.

He's not real.

Is he? No. Of course he's not. Unless he
is. I knew he was. No, but actor slash

regularity spokesman Dirk Masters is,
and I've invited him here today. For

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey, you're
freaking out. I'm freaking out.

Breathe. Breathe.

Jerry, this is the best thing you've
ever done.

I hope he brings his cannon of justice.

I bet he would.

Okay, I'm going. I'm going. I've got to
get this fort ready.

Colonel Cannon's going to love this
banner. He sure will.

Hey, this could be a huge promotion for
us. Whatever do you mean, Pete? I mean,

people would pay a lot of money to meet
Colonel Cannon.

Golly, do you think that would work?

Maybe we could charge 20 bucks a head.
Let's make it 40.

Wow, turning Colonel Cannon's visit into
a promotion. Great idea.

I can't believe you didn't think of it
first, Terry.

What can I say? I'm all about the fun
now. Right, Pete?

Colonel Cannon could be a huge promotion
for us.

We could charge people to meet him.

I bet they'd pay $20 a head.

I'll make it $40.

Fun guy of the year.

I owe it all to the fans.

Welcome, Colonel Cannon.

Dirk Masters is coming here? Uh -huh.
When did he get out of rehab? Come

Rehab. You know, after he was arrested
for firing his neighbor's dog out of a

cannon. I did not have that information.

Why would he do that?

Because he's an insane, violent drunk.

Don't you kids read the tabloid? Pete's
hero is a drunk.

He read the tabloid? You know, you
should never meet your heroes.

I met my favorite pro wrestler last
year, Judge Evil. He turned out to be a

super nice guy.

So did Sporting.

He's going to be crushed.

He really is. If he finds out, which he
won't, we just have to make sure there's

no booze around.

Man, you're a jerk.

Did you just pinch my butt?

Yeah. What? No.

Oh,

the cannon mobile's here. We brought the
cannon of justice.

He's walking up to the door. He's
opening the door. He's opening the door.

he's coming inside. He's coming inside.
Put his helmet down. Oh, my God.

He's behind me.

He's shaking my head. I'm never going to
let go ever, ever. Now he's looking at

me weird.

Okay. All right. Mr. Masters, welcome to
Silver Salmon.

Pleasure's mine. I met your father at a
fan expo in 78. He's a wonderful man.

Hey, Terry, I'm Peter. I'm your biggest
fan. When I was a kid, I built my own

Colonel Cannon costume and my own
Colonel Cannon cannon, and I shot myself

of it by broke with my arm, so don't try
it.

I'm Bernie.

Enchante.

Oh, would you like a cup of cannon
punch?

I don't mind if I do.

Hey. You were worried.

It's delightful.

Sure, if you like it.

Peter,

where did you get that punch from?

Oh, I made it myself. I just got the
recipe.

Frozen lemonade?

Yeah. Some strawberries.

Strawberries. A little orange zest. And
some booze. Booze? Yeah, a lot of booze.

Booze. Don't be shy with the booze.

Got it.

What can I tell you about the show?

Oh, did you know that my sidekick died?

Twice. He wasn't the original Buckshot
boy?

That's not so bad.

That's less encouraging.

Maybe he's a lovable drunk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Check it in, guy. Maybe you should slow

a little bit there.

No one tells Colonel Cannon to slow
down.

Unless you're one of those evildoers. In
which case...

Get me my cannon!

No evil here.

No, we do good.

Woman, get me a drink.

Oh, my God, he's a monster.

I wonder if he'll single her.

Come on. Come away with me to my shack
for a dirty weekend. You mean it?

serious, though. I'm a world -famous
superhero.

I'm just going to use you and throw you
away like an empty can of Ovaltine.

But until then...

Stop drilling.

You've hit oil.

I'll go pack.

Missed you already.

This went different in my mind. I'm
sure.

Should we remind Bernie that she's
trying to stop dating assholes?

Actually, I think we should duck.

Why? He's got a gun!

Is that a rat?

My arch enemy?

You want to dance, Rat King?

I'll lead!

He doesn't have a gun.

Colonel Cannon doesn't have six ex
-wives either.

He got a bullet.

But apparently, he's not out of guns.

I'm going to be killed by the one man I
ever wanted to save me.

I didn't book Colonel Cannon for you. I
booked him for the money. You what? I

knew he was a raging violent drug, and I
booked him anyway.

Okay. Okay, I can die with a clear
conscience.

Keep your panties on, boys.

I'm not going to shoot you.

You ever hear of Russian roulette?

You hear that?

That's the only thing that makes me feel
alive anymore.

Peter, you don't have to do this. That's
not what I have to do.

No, no. I mean, you literally don't have
to do this. And I literally can't

believe that I trusted you.

Oh, Peter!

Stop! What?

You think I want to do this? You think I
have a choice?

Yes, yes, you do.

The next time he hands you the gun, you
keep it.

Yeah, right. Give me that.

Oh, thank God this horrible nightmare is
over.

Now, say we get you outside and sign
some autographs.

My heart!

You killed him. Oh, my God, you killed
him.

All right, Peter, slow down. No one
killed anyone, okay? The gunshot must

startled him into a heart attack.

Either way, he's a dead man. It's all
your fault. Peter, I'm sorry, all right?

But we need to work together.

Fine. I'll dial nine, and you dial the
other two one. No, no, no.

I spent our rent to get him here. If we
don't have this signing, we are screwed.

Are you suggesting that we reanimate him
into some kind of walking dead

abomination just to sign a few
autographs?

Because I am in. I'm just saying.

Maybe there's a way that we can buy
ourselves a couple of hours before we

the cops.

Harry! Peter!

I need to speak with you right now!

Please.

Fine. But I'm still mad.

Coming!

Raina! Hi.

Lovely as ever. Did I hear gunshot?

That's ridiculous. Why would we be
playing Russian roulette?

What? What?

What? Nothing.

What is going on in there?

There are definitely no dead bodies in
there.

Okay, just try not to ruin any more of
my showings, all right? We killed a guy.

Why am I turning into Peter?

It's all under control.

Promise.

Excuse me.

When is the signing gonna start?

Just out of curiosity, what would you do
if, instead of a signing, we just

watched a few classic episodes?

We'd demand our money back. I
understand. And we'd start smashing

Fair enough.

That's some other form of escalation we
haven't thought of yet.

I don't know, maybe, uh...

Fire? Fire?

Fire.

We'll be out in a jiff.

Perfect. Now we have a dead body in the
back and a bunch of angry nerds out

front. They're going to kill us when
they find out that we don't have Colonel

Cannon. What are we going to do?

Four words.

Weekend at Bernie's 2.

Now I really want to try it.

What we need is a whole new Colonel
Cannon. By the way, where exactly did

put the real one?

Let's just say he's somewhere no one
will ever find him.

Candy, I'm taking tomorrow off and
there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, your fancy undies.

Is your cousin in town? You know, the
one you kissed by accident in grade

For your information, I haven't seen her
in years.

Seriously, where are you going?

I'm getting ready for a weekend with my
boyfriend.

Weekend with my boyfriend.

Is that like a new ice cream flavor or
something?

If you must know, I found the man of my
dreams.

He's famous, talented, rugged. Sure,
he's emotionally distant and an

and yes, he gets a little grabby.

Why? You're right.

Why am I dating him?

He's just the kind of jerk I said I
would avoid.

No, why would he grab you?

He's almost like a male version of you.
What is wrong with me? I thought I made

that pretty clear.

Maybe I've been settling because I don't
think I deserve any better, but I do.

No. You don't.

Oh, pretending to be Colonel Kane is not
going to be that easy.

Really? Can't I just get up there and
the old cannon's away?

Ha, as if.

Right, they're going to hate you with
every question in the book. Like what?

only ran 13 episodes and every one of
them ended with him shooting himself out

of a cannon. Okay, how did he defeat the
Cajun Bomber? He shot himself out of a

cannon. Fine, how did he get to church
on time in a very special wedding

episode? Shot himself out of a cannon.
All right, how did he escape Dr.

Shrinkster Sinister Shrinkwreck? Shot
himself out of a cannon.

Half right. Very small cannon. Boom! You
nailed it!

Okay, here's how it's going to go.

I'm going to be here in case anybody
stumps you. Don't worry, I have your

Colonel Cannon!

Colonel Cannon!

Ah, you, the one with the question.

He picked me.

In your epic battle with the Koala Claw,
what did you whisper in his ear right

before you bludgeoned him to death with
his own didgeridoo?

Oh my God, that's such a good question.

Answer it, Colonel Cannon. Answer it.

Cannon's away?

Yes!

You know,

a wedding cake shop is just what this
mall could use.

What's going on over there?

That's a little comic book store.

Ignore it. I tried to. Looks so busy.
Must be great for the mall.

Uh, yes.

It's always that busy. Wow.

Come on, let's continue our tour. Okay.

Dirk, we've got to talk.

Actually, I've got to talk.

My name is Bernie. Not hot ass or sweet
cheeks or sugar feet, which was just

weird. The point is, I am done with
jerks like you, okay? So you have to

treating me with the respect I deserve
or just drop dead.

I think I had him drop dead.

That doesn't make me some kind of
murderer, does it?

Say it again.

And it's over!

Will this hold the weight of a limp body
killed by love's cruel words?

Obviously. Great, thanks.

Going great. I sure wish Colonel Cannon
was here. Peter. Oh, right. Sorry.

Hello, boys. Oh, Dan.

I mean, stranger who is completely
unknown to me, Colonel Cannon. Shut up,

Terry.

Terry,

you must be delirious from having such a
small penis.

Well, if you really are Colonel Cannon,
he is. And not that asshole, Terry, who

I hear is quite charming. Then I'm sure
you'll be ending this appearance the way

Colonel Cannon always does.

Obviously. By shooting yourself out of a
cannon.

He did what now?

I mean, I would, but sadly, my cannon
operator called in sick with car

trouble. You can count on me, Colonel
Mann.

I'm a fully licensed cannoneer.

Good. Or may you knock Colonel Cannon
and give every one of these bedwetters

their money back.

You could break both your arms, or
worse.

Just funny.

Peter, this time it's not about the
money.

It's about making things right with my
brother.

You're doing this for me?

Okay, it's also about the money, but
mostly for you.

See you on the other side, bro.

Peter!

I accidentally killed Dirk with my
newfound self -respect.

Oh, God.

Good to confess.

Actually, Terry and I accidentally
killed him with a heart attack.

You killed him?

You killed him, too.

Huh.

I guess I didn't have to hide the body.

Friends, do we really need to see a man

launch himself out of a cannon in an
explosion of fire and smoke, shooting

through the air like some sort of cannon
angel?

Flipping through the sky gloriously as
he descends like a mighty, mighty comet

in a blaze of fire, landing safely on
the ground and giving us two thumbs up.

that something you really want to see?

It's alive!

It's so cool!

Get it quick!

Get it quick!

Come on, Terry. It's just a cannon.

An exploding gun machine built for
killing.

I'm going to die.

Hey, what are you doing in here?

Wow, such a bustling location.

Great. Well, then let's get that lease
signed.

What are they doing? Some kind of show?

Are you sure this is going to work? I

don't see why it wouldn't. I used all
the gunpowder.

Excellent.

Terry really is a hero.

I mean, he's going to shoot himself out
of the cannon, mostly for me.

He's the best.

He sure is. I know, right?

Terry, what?

Yeah, I chickened out.

The kind of substitute I think you'll
approve of.

Who? Dirk Masters himself.

Now we can give Colonel Cannon a true
hero's standoff.

Yep, classic death by cannon. We get a
lot of these this time of year.

Really? So we're not in trouble?

Of course not.

It's not like you died and you stuffed
them in the cannon, right?

Anyway,

I got to get going. I'm late for court.
All right.

What is wrong with our police
department, though?

Well, I promised you a fun day.

Terry, a man died today, and it was
still the best day of my life.

You guys two got one of the paramedics'
numbers.

The guy with the wedding ring?

Yeah, but he explained that. See, he
still loves his wife, but he doesn't

like her anymore, so I think it's fair
game.