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1
00:00:08,459 --> 00:00:11,409
Hey Peter, I thought of a great new
promotion for the store.
2
00:00:11,580 --> 00:00:12,630
Wow.
3
00:00:12,631 --> 00:00:17,239
I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. And
Peter, hang on to this one. It feels
4
00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:20,040
right. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
5
00:00:20,041 --> 00:00:24,199
Laugh if you want to. I just did. It was
good. But this is the kind of promotion
6
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,250
we need.
7
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,450
Cannon's the way!
8
00:00:27,001 --> 00:00:29,139
It's Colonel Cannon?
9
00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:30,340
Oh, I remember that show.
10
00:00:30,341 --> 00:00:33,119
He fought crime every week by shooting
himself out of a cannon.
11
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:34,159
For some reason.
12
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:35,210
Hey, check this out.
13
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:38,800
Dirk Masters, TV's original Colonel
Cannon, is in town shooting a
14
00:00:38,801 --> 00:00:42,539
Oh, my God. Don't care. It's for high
-fiber bacon. You know, the breakfast
15
00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:44,119
treat you can enjoy on the toilet?
16
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,200
Is that their slogan?
17
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,760
That reminded me. They are reissuing the
first Colonel Cannon comic this month.
18
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,540
Oh, my God. Still don't care. You will.
19
00:00:52,860 --> 00:00:55,330
Remember how his arch -nemesis was the
Rat King?
20
00:00:55,331 --> 00:00:57,479
Oh, no, no. We're not giving away rats.
21
00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,040
I already bought them. You what?
22
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:03,020
Don't worry. All 200 of them are safe
and sound inside this cage.
23
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:05,800
Huh. They're all gone.
24
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,250
Of course they are.
25
00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:08,780
I can let the lid off.
26
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,450
Right for the best.
27
00:01:10,451 --> 00:01:14,079
Go on. While all the rats were left
over, I was going to feed to our new pet
28
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,130
snake.
29
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:16,490
What pet snake?
30
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,680
That 12 -foot bow constrictor in that
cage right there.
31
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:22,720
Huh. It's gone too.
32
00:01:23,380 --> 00:01:29,380
Just out of curiosity, what was in that
cage?
33
00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:31,840
You don't want to know.
34
00:01:45,420 --> 00:01:50,219
aren't you i'm a little mad yeah because
of the rats uh mostly the rats the
35
00:01:50,220 --> 00:01:53,539
important thing is we did something fun
today to celebrate colonel cannon we run
36
00:01:53,540 --> 00:01:57,259
a business it's not supposed to be fun
it's a comic book shop everything about
37
00:01:57,260 --> 00:02:00,139
it's supposed to be fun i used to brush
my teeth with tang why would you brush
38
00:02:00,140 --> 00:02:03,759
your teeth with tang because i wanted
the smile of an astronaut ever since you
39
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:07,799
came back it's been all money money
bitches and honey okay that is a
40
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:08,850
impression of me
41
00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:12,969
But it's not true. Oh, yeah? You're all
about the bottom line. You're Mr. Buy
42
00:02:12,970 --> 00:02:14,020
High, Sell Low.
43
00:02:14,021 --> 00:02:16,389
You see, that's exactly why you're not
allowed near the money.
44
00:02:16,390 --> 00:02:19,700
Fine, then I'll just get away from you
and your precious... the money.
45
00:02:20,310 --> 00:02:22,930
Ah, damn it! Why did I put all the rat
crap back here?
46
00:02:24,070 --> 00:02:25,930
Son of a... Oh, that one's on the pinky.
47
00:02:25,931 --> 00:02:27,149
What was that all about?
48
00:02:27,150 --> 00:02:28,109
Is he going to be okay?
49
00:02:28,110 --> 00:02:31,449
Yeah, he'll be all right. Just buy him
dinner next door at Luigi's. Who can say
50
00:02:31,450 --> 00:02:32,949
mad after all you can eat garlic bread?
51
00:02:32,950 --> 00:02:34,000
Yeah, they closed.
52
00:02:34,001 --> 00:02:36,569
What are you talking about? They just
opened. Apparently the health inspector
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00:02:36,570 --> 00:02:38,620
was there this morning and he found
rats.
54
00:02:39,150 --> 00:02:41,860
It's ridiculous. Why would we release a
bunch of rats?
55
00:02:41,930 --> 00:02:42,980
Excuse me? What?
56
00:02:43,090 --> 00:02:44,140
Nothing.
57
00:02:44,141 --> 00:02:45,869
There you are.
58
00:02:45,870 --> 00:02:46,920
On the house.
59
00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:48,200
Thanks.
60
00:02:48,550 --> 00:02:52,160
Now I've got to find a tenant who likes
the smell of garlic and rat poison.
61
00:02:57,970 --> 00:02:59,020
Hey,
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00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:00,300
a snake.
63
00:03:03,110 --> 00:03:05,670
One double decaf mochaccino, easy on the
foam.
64
00:03:12,730 --> 00:03:14,230
Well, aren't you gonna ask me?
65
00:03:14,231 --> 00:03:15,309
Ask you what?
66
00:03:15,310 --> 00:03:19,189
Why I'm so happy even though I hate my
job and Candy just told me I look like a
67
00:03:19,190 --> 00:03:20,370
pile of failure in a hat.
68
00:03:20,590 --> 00:03:22,790
You're not wearing a hat. I know. What a
bitch.
69
00:03:23,430 --> 00:03:24,480
Why are you so happy?
70
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:25,880
Drunk? No.
71
00:03:25,950 --> 00:03:30,010
I am dating the best guy. He's a bouncer
who also does a little cage fighting,
72
00:03:30,011 --> 00:03:33,409
but I know that underneath it all, even
though I have no reason to believe it,
73
00:03:33,410 --> 00:03:37,750
he's super thoughtful and sweet and he
just broke up with me.
74
00:03:37,970 --> 00:03:42,439
What? God, I am so tired of dating
jerks. What happened to the guy, Keaton?
75
00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:43,199
seemed nice.
76
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,320
Yeah, that's the problem. If the guy's
too nice, I become the jerk.
77
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,480
I've moved to France. Do not follow.
78
00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:53,530
Fine.
79
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:56,450
Need the chocolate.
80
00:03:57,880 --> 00:03:59,860
Point is, I love chocolate.
81
00:04:02,180 --> 00:04:05,640
I think you'll find this is the perfect
location for your daycare.
82
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,050
Uh, Raina, I don't think that's a good
idea.
83
00:04:08,051 --> 00:04:08,719
Why not?
84
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:13,340
Let's say there's something wrong with
the door. Something snaky.
85
00:04:13,980 --> 00:04:16,279
Don't be ridiculous, Boyd. I'm so sorry.
86
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,339
Where did all your kids go?
87
00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:20,770
Oh, my God.
88
00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:24,140
The children are over there looking at
the snake.
89
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,000
Oh, wow. A snake. I did not see that
coming.
90
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:30,599
Really? Isn't that what you were trying
to warn me about?
91
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,480
No. They just waxed the floor in there.
92
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,440
Slippery. You said snaky. Did I?
93
00:04:36,140 --> 00:04:37,190
That's weird.
94
00:04:37,191 --> 00:04:43,409
Hey, Peter, we need to talk. What's
wrong? Am I having too much fun?
95
00:04:43,410 --> 00:04:44,550
I am a robot.
96
00:04:44,850 --> 00:04:48,630
Beep, beep. I am filing comics. I have
no heart.
97
00:04:48,970 --> 00:04:50,530
I was built to hate.
98
00:04:50,531 --> 00:04:51,769
What are you doing?
99
00:04:51,770 --> 00:04:55,970
I am being a robot to prove I am not
having fun at work.
100
00:04:55,971 --> 00:04:58,969
It kind of looks like more fun. Yeah, it
really is.
101
00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:03,489
Look, I thought about what you said, and
you're right. So I say, for once, we
102
00:05:03,490 --> 00:05:05,789
forget about the money and have all the
fun you want.
103
00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:09,070
Oh, my God. Call a taxi. We're going to
the...
104
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:15,470
Wow. You know how long I've been wearing
these trunks under these tearaways for?
105
00:05:16,420 --> 00:05:21,280
Six weeks. All right. Or, even better,
we spend the afternoon with your hero,
106
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,000
Colonel Cannon.
107
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:25,850
Yeah, right.
108
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,010
He's not real.
109
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:31,679
Is he? No. Of course he's not. Unless he
is. I knew he was. No, but actor slash
110
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:36,060
regularity spokesman Dirk Masters is,
and I've invited him here today. For
111
00:05:36,260 --> 00:05:37,310
Oh, my God.
112
00:05:37,311 --> 00:05:38,349
Oh, my God.
113
00:05:38,350 --> 00:05:40,769
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey, you're
freaking out. I'm freaking out.
114
00:05:40,770 --> 00:05:42,030
Breathe. Breathe.
115
00:05:42,031 --> 00:05:45,149
Jerry, this is the best thing you've
ever done.
116
00:05:45,150 --> 00:05:46,969
I hope he brings his cannon of justice.
117
00:05:46,970 --> 00:05:48,020
I bet he would.
118
00:05:48,410 --> 00:05:51,240
Okay, I'm going. I'm going. I've got to
get this fort ready.
119
00:05:52,230 --> 00:05:55,510
Colonel Cannon's going to love this
banner. He sure will.
120
00:05:55,511 --> 00:05:59,309
Hey, this could be a huge promotion for
us. Whatever do you mean, Pete? I mean,
121
00:05:59,310 --> 00:06:02,020
people would pay a lot of money to meet
Colonel Cannon.
122
00:06:02,021 --> 00:06:03,449
Golly, do you think that would work?
123
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,039
Maybe we could charge 20 bucks a head.
Let's make it 40.
124
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,360
Wow, turning Colonel Cannon's visit into
a promotion. Great idea.
125
00:06:09,361 --> 00:06:12,319
I can't believe you didn't think of it
first, Terry.
126
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,970
What can I say? I'm all about the fun
now. Right, Pete?
127
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,700
Colonel Cannon could be a huge promotion
for us.
128
00:06:18,060 --> 00:06:19,800
We could charge people to meet him.
129
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,080
I bet they'd pay $20 a head.
130
00:06:22,460 --> 00:06:23,510
I'll make it $40.
131
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,600
Fun guy of the year.
132
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,080
I owe it all to the fans.
133
00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:29,600
Welcome, Colonel Cannon.
134
00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:33,920
Dirk Masters is coming here? Uh -huh.
When did he get out of rehab? Come
135
00:06:33,921 --> 00:06:37,919
Rehab. You know, after he was arrested
for firing his neighbor's dog out of a
136
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,200
cannon. I did not have that information.
137
00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:41,740
Why would he do that?
138
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,740
Because he's an insane, violent drunk.
139
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,460
Don't you kids read the tabloid? Pete's
hero is a drunk.
140
00:06:48,461 --> 00:06:51,619
He read the tabloid? You know, you
should never meet your heroes.
141
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:55,699
I met my favorite pro wrestler last
year, Judge Evil. He turned out to be a
142
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:56,750
super nice guy.
143
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,300
So did Sporting.
144
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,000
He's going to be crushed.
145
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:06,599
He really is. If he finds out, which he
won't, we just have to make sure there's
146
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:07,650
no booze around.
147
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:08,970
Man, you're a jerk.
148
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:12,540
Did you just pinch my butt?
149
00:07:12,860 --> 00:07:13,910
Yeah. What? No.
150
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:18,850
Oh,
151
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:23,290
the cannon mobile's here. We brought the
cannon of justice.
152
00:07:23,291 --> 00:07:26,999
He's walking up to the door. He's
opening the door. He's opening the door.
153
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,430
he's coming inside. He's coming inside.
Put his helmet down. Oh, my God.
154
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:31,730
He's behind me.
155
00:07:31,731 --> 00:07:35,579
He's shaking my head. I'm never going to
let go ever, ever. Now he's looking at
156
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:36,379
me weird.
157
00:07:36,380 --> 00:07:39,360
Okay. All right. Mr. Masters, welcome to
Silver Salmon.
158
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,700
Pleasure's mine. I met your father at a
fan expo in 78. He's a wonderful man.
159
00:07:43,701 --> 00:07:47,419
Hey, Terry, I'm Peter. I'm your biggest
fan. When I was a kid, I built my own
160
00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:50,659
Colonel Cannon costume and my own
Colonel Cannon cannon, and I shot myself
161
00:07:50,660 --> 00:07:52,699
of it by broke with my arm, so don't try
it.
162
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:53,750
I'm Bernie.
163
00:07:54,900 --> 00:07:55,950
Enchante.
164
00:07:56,911 --> 00:08:00,999
Oh, would you like a cup of cannon
punch?
165
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,060
I don't mind if I do.
166
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,720
Hey. You were worried.
167
00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,050
It's delightful.
168
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:09,370
Sure, if you like it.
169
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,170
Peter,
170
00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:13,100
where did you get that punch from?
171
00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:15,440
Oh, I made it myself. I just got the
recipe.
172
00:08:15,441 --> 00:08:17,089
Frozen lemonade?
173
00:08:17,090 --> 00:08:18,290
Yeah. Some strawberries.
174
00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:23,170
Strawberries. A little orange zest. And
some booze. Booze? Yeah, a lot of booze.
175
00:08:23,190 --> 00:08:25,290
Booze. Don't be shy with the booze.
176
00:08:25,530 --> 00:08:26,580
Got it.
177
00:08:42,271 --> 00:08:45,389
What can I tell you about the show?
178
00:08:45,390 --> 00:08:47,310
Oh, did you know that my sidekick died?
179
00:08:47,530 --> 00:08:49,810
Twice. He wasn't the original Buckshot
boy?
180
00:08:50,570 --> 00:08:51,620
That's not so bad.
181
00:08:53,630 --> 00:08:54,890
That's less encouraging.
182
00:08:54,990 --> 00:08:56,330
Maybe he's a lovable drunk.
183
00:08:57,770 --> 00:09:01,469
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Check it in, guy. Maybe you should slow
184
00:09:01,470 --> 00:09:02,520
a little bit there.
185
00:09:02,630 --> 00:09:06,090
No one tells Colonel Cannon to slow
down.
186
00:09:06,350 --> 00:09:10,210
Unless you're one of those evildoers. In
which case...
187
00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:11,990
Get me my cannon!
188
00:09:12,410 --> 00:09:13,610
No evil here.
189
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:14,900
No, we do good.
190
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:17,610
Woman, get me a drink.
191
00:09:19,370 --> 00:09:21,150
Oh, my God, he's a monster.
192
00:09:21,570 --> 00:09:23,050
I wonder if he'll single her.
193
00:09:26,650 --> 00:09:32,009
Come on. Come away with me to my shack
for a dirty weekend. You mean it?
194
00:09:32,010 --> 00:09:34,289
serious, though. I'm a world -famous
superhero.
195
00:09:34,290 --> 00:09:38,510
I'm just going to use you and throw you
away like an empty can of Ovaltine.
196
00:09:38,850 --> 00:09:39,970
But until then...
197
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:41,930
Stop drilling.
198
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,370
You've hit oil.
199
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:44,810
I'll go pack.
200
00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:46,870
Missed you already.
201
00:09:47,380 --> 00:09:49,880
This went different in my mind. I'm
sure.
202
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:53,119
Should we remind Bernie that she's
trying to stop dating assholes?
203
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,239
Actually, I think we should duck.
204
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:55,400
Why? He's got a gun!
205
00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:57,310
Is that a rat?
206
00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,600
My arch enemy?
207
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:02,100
You want to dance, Rat King?
208
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,410
I'll lead!
209
00:10:07,411 --> 00:10:09,319
He doesn't have a gun.
210
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,850
Colonel Cannon doesn't have six ex
-wives either.
211
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:15,170
He got a bullet.
212
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,900
But apparently, he's not out of guns.
213
00:10:18,901 --> 00:10:23,599
I'm going to be killed by the one man I
ever wanted to save me.
214
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,579
I didn't book Colonel Cannon for you. I
booked him for the money. You what? I
215
00:10:26,580 --> 00:10:28,959
knew he was a raging violent drug, and I
booked him anyway.
216
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,190
Okay. Okay, I can die with a clear
conscience.
217
00:10:31,660 --> 00:10:33,060
Keep your panties on, boys.
218
00:10:33,780 --> 00:10:35,040
I'm not going to shoot you.
219
00:10:40,550 --> 00:10:42,290
You ever hear of Russian roulette?
220
00:10:50,270 --> 00:10:51,320
You hear that?
221
00:10:53,390 --> 00:10:56,290
That's the only thing that makes me feel
alive anymore.
222
00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:59,700
Peter, you don't have to do this. That's
not what I have to do.
223
00:10:59,870 --> 00:11:04,109
No, no. I mean, you literally don't have
to do this. And I literally can't
224
00:11:04,110 --> 00:11:05,590
believe that I trusted you.
225
00:11:07,070 --> 00:11:08,120
Oh, Peter!
226
00:11:08,290 --> 00:11:09,350
Stop! What?
227
00:11:09,351 --> 00:11:11,639
You think I want to do this? You think I
have a choice?
228
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,440
Yes, yes, you do.
229
00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:16,040
The next time he hands you the gun, you
keep it.
230
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,780
Yeah, right. Give me that.
231
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:21,890
Oh, thank God this horrible nightmare is
over.
232
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,690
Now, say we get you outside and sign
some autographs.
233
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:30,120
My heart!
234
00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:38,500
You killed him. Oh, my God, you killed
him.
235
00:11:38,700 --> 00:11:43,539
All right, Peter, slow down. No one
killed anyone, okay? The gunshot must
236
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:45,059
startled him into a heart attack.
237
00:11:45,060 --> 00:11:48,850
Either way, he's a dead man. It's all
your fault. Peter, I'm sorry, all right?
238
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:51,140
But we need to work together.
239
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:54,410
Fine. I'll dial nine, and you dial the
other two one. No, no, no.
240
00:11:54,660 --> 00:11:58,720
I spent our rent to get him here. If we
don't have this signing, we are screwed.
241
00:11:58,721 --> 00:12:02,439
Are you suggesting that we reanimate him
into some kind of walking dead
242
00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,670
abomination just to sign a few
autographs?
243
00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:06,740
Because I am in. I'm just saying.
244
00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:10,879
Maybe there's a way that we can buy
ourselves a couple of hours before we
245
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:11,930
the cops.
246
00:12:12,660 --> 00:12:13,920
Harry! Peter!
247
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:16,500
I need to speak with you right now!
248
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:18,250
Please.
249
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,520
Fine. But I'm still mad.
250
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,330
Coming!
251
00:12:25,580 --> 00:12:26,740
Raina! Hi.
252
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,120
Lovely as ever. Did I hear gunshot?
253
00:12:29,121 --> 00:12:31,539
That's ridiculous. Why would we be
playing Russian roulette?
254
00:12:31,540 --> 00:12:32,319
What? What?
255
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:33,370
What? Nothing.
256
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,360
What is going on in there?
257
00:12:37,361 --> 00:12:39,399
There are definitely no dead bodies in
there.
258
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:42,539
Okay, just try not to ruin any more of
my showings, all right? We killed a guy.
259
00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:43,920
Why am I turning into Peter?
260
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,100
It's all under control.
261
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,250
Promise.
262
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:49,890
Excuse me.
263
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:51,940
When is the signing gonna start?
264
00:12:51,941 --> 00:12:56,319
Just out of curiosity, what would you do
if, instead of a signing, we just
265
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:57,940
watched a few classic episodes?
266
00:12:58,260 --> 00:13:01,640
We'd demand our money back. I
understand. And we'd start smashing
267
00:13:01,641 --> 00:13:02,539
Fair enough.
268
00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:04,959
That's some other form of escalation we
haven't thought of yet.
269
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,580
I don't know, maybe, uh...
270
00:13:07,110 --> 00:13:08,160
Fire? Fire?
271
00:13:09,010 --> 00:13:10,060
Fire.
272
00:13:11,170 --> 00:13:12,220
We'll be out in a jiff.
273
00:13:15,270 --> 00:13:18,989
Perfect. Now we have a dead body in the
back and a bunch of angry nerds out
274
00:13:18,990 --> 00:13:21,249
front. They're going to kill us when
they find out that we don't have Colonel
275
00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:22,509
Cannon. What are we going to do?
276
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:23,560
Four words.
277
00:13:23,610 --> 00:13:25,410
Weekend at Bernie's 2.
278
00:13:29,870 --> 00:13:35,730
Now I really want to try it.
279
00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:40,539
What we need is a whole new Colonel
Cannon. By the way, where exactly did
280
00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:41,219
put the real one?
281
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:44,140
Let's just say he's somewhere no one
will ever find him.
282
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:51,459
Candy, I'm taking tomorrow off and
there's nothing you can do about it.
283
00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:53,020
Oh, your fancy undies.
284
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:56,910
Is your cousin in town? You know, the
one you kissed by accident in grade
285
00:13:56,911 --> 00:13:59,259
For your information, I haven't seen her
in years.
286
00:13:59,260 --> 00:14:00,759
Seriously, where are you going?
287
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,059
I'm getting ready for a weekend with my
boyfriend.
288
00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:04,380
Weekend with my boyfriend.
289
00:14:04,381 --> 00:14:07,059
Is that like a new ice cream flavor or
something?
290
00:14:07,060 --> 00:14:09,380
If you must know, I found the man of my
dreams.
291
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:14,260
He's famous, talented, rugged. Sure,
he's emotionally distant and an
292
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,560
and yes, he gets a little grabby.
293
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,500
Why? You're right.
294
00:14:19,020 --> 00:14:20,200
Why am I dating him?
295
00:14:20,201 --> 00:14:22,739
He's just the kind of jerk I said I
would avoid.
296
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:24,000
No, why would he grab you?
297
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:28,679
He's almost like a male version of you.
What is wrong with me? I thought I made
298
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:29,730
that pretty clear.
299
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:33,610
Maybe I've been settling because I don't
think I deserve any better, but I do.
300
00:14:33,780 --> 00:14:35,340
No. You don't.
301
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:40,299
Oh, pretending to be Colonel Kane is not
going to be that easy.
302
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:43,480
Really? Can't I just get up there and
the old cannon's away?
303
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:44,770
Ha, as if.
304
00:14:44,771 --> 00:14:47,639
Right, they're going to hate you with
every question in the book. Like what?
305
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,679
only ran 13 episodes and every one of
them ended with him shooting himself out
306
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,979
of a cannon. Okay, how did he defeat the
Cajun Bomber? He shot himself out of a
307
00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:56,499
cannon. Fine, how did he get to church
on time in a very special wedding
308
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:59,930
episode? Shot himself out of a cannon.
All right, how did he escape Dr.
309
00:14:59,931 --> 00:15:02,799
Shrinkster Sinister Shrinkwreck? Shot
himself out of a cannon.
310
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,480
Half right. Very small cannon. Boom! You
nailed it!
311
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:07,920
Okay, here's how it's going to go.
312
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:12,100
I'm going to be here in case anybody
stumps you. Don't worry, I have your
313
00:15:12,101 --> 00:15:14,019
Colonel Cannon!
314
00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:15,070
Colonel Cannon!
315
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,980
Ah, you, the one with the question.
316
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,290
He picked me.
317
00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:24,659
In your epic battle with the Koala Claw,
what did you whisper in his ear right
318
00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:27,730
before you bludgeoned him to death with
his own didgeridoo?
319
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,240
Oh my God, that's such a good question.
320
00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:33,650
Answer it, Colonel Cannon. Answer it.
321
00:15:38,350 --> 00:15:39,400
Cannon's away?
322
00:15:40,770 --> 00:15:41,820
Yes!
323
00:15:43,570 --> 00:15:46,550
You know,
324
00:15:49,310 --> 00:15:51,970
a wedding cake shop is just what this
mall could use.
325
00:15:53,090 --> 00:15:54,470
What's going on over there?
326
00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:56,750
That's a little comic book store.
327
00:15:57,210 --> 00:16:00,870
Ignore it. I tried to. Looks so busy.
Must be great for the mall.
328
00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:02,600
Uh, yes.
329
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:04,510
It's always that busy. Wow.
330
00:16:05,010 --> 00:16:06,870
Come on, let's continue our tour. Okay.
331
00:16:09,130 --> 00:16:11,030
Dirk, we've got to talk.
332
00:16:11,550 --> 00:16:13,350
Actually, I've got to talk.
333
00:16:13,650 --> 00:16:20,309
My name is Bernie. Not hot ass or sweet
cheeks or sugar feet, which was just
334
00:16:20,310 --> 00:16:25,489
weird. The point is, I am done with
jerks like you, okay? So you have to
335
00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:28,570
treating me with the respect I deserve
or just drop dead.
336
00:16:38,609 --> 00:16:40,390
I think I had him drop dead.
337
00:16:40,730 --> 00:16:43,380
That doesn't make me some kind of
murderer, does it?
338
00:16:48,350 --> 00:16:49,400
Say it again.
339
00:16:49,850 --> 00:16:50,900
And it's over!
340
00:16:50,901 --> 00:16:56,789
Will this hold the weight of a limp body
killed by love's cruel words?
341
00:16:56,790 --> 00:16:58,050
Obviously. Great, thanks.
342
00:16:58,830 --> 00:17:02,890
Going great. I sure wish Colonel Cannon
was here. Peter. Oh, right. Sorry.
343
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,410
Hello, boys. Oh, Dan.
344
00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:10,310
I mean, stranger who is completely
unknown to me, Colonel Cannon. Shut up,
345
00:17:10,311 --> 00:17:11,229
Terry.
346
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:12,280
Terry,
347
00:17:12,589 --> 00:17:15,490
you must be delirious from having such a
small penis.
348
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:20,689
Well, if you really are Colonel Cannon,
he is. And not that asshole, Terry, who
349
00:17:20,690 --> 00:17:23,909
I hear is quite charming. Then I'm sure
you'll be ending this appearance the way
350
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,290
Colonel Cannon always does.
351
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:28,400
Obviously. By shooting yourself out of a
cannon.
352
00:17:28,401 --> 00:17:29,639
He did what now?
353
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:36,099
I mean, I would, but sadly, my cannon
operator called in sick with car
354
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:39,240
trouble. You can count on me, Colonel
Mann.
355
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,100
I'm a fully licensed cannoneer.
356
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:48,299
Good. Or may you knock Colonel Cannon
and give every one of these bedwetters
357
00:17:48,300 --> 00:17:49,350
their money back.
358
00:18:06,700 --> 00:18:08,750
You could break both your arms, or
worse.
359
00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:10,830
Just funny.
360
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:13,840
Peter, this time it's not about the
money.
361
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:16,830
It's about making things right with my
brother.
362
00:18:17,260 --> 00:18:18,520
You're doing this for me?
363
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:21,760
Okay, it's also about the money, but
mostly for you.
364
00:18:23,220 --> 00:18:24,660
See you on the other side, bro.
365
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:29,950
Peter!
366
00:18:29,951 --> 00:18:32,839
I accidentally killed Dirk with my
newfound self -respect.
367
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:33,890
Oh, God.
368
00:18:34,010 --> 00:18:35,060
Good to confess.
369
00:18:35,061 --> 00:18:38,369
Actually, Terry and I accidentally
killed him with a heart attack.
370
00:18:38,370 --> 00:18:39,420
You killed him?
371
00:18:39,650 --> 00:18:40,700
You killed him, too.
372
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:41,920
Huh.
373
00:18:42,070 --> 00:18:43,870
I guess I didn't have to hide the body.
374
00:18:46,350 --> 00:18:53,049
Friends, do we really need to see a man
375
00:18:53,050 --> 00:18:59,129
launch himself out of a cannon in an
explosion of fire and smoke, shooting
376
00:18:59,130 --> 00:19:01,540
through the air like some sort of cannon
angel?
377
00:19:01,870 --> 00:19:07,469
Flipping through the sky gloriously as
he descends like a mighty, mighty comet
378
00:19:07,470 --> 00:19:12,869
in a blaze of fire, landing safely on
the ground and giving us two thumbs up.
379
00:19:12,870 --> 00:19:14,790
that something you really want to see?
380
00:19:16,250 --> 00:19:17,300
It's alive!
381
00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:18,800
It's so cool!
382
00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:21,390
Get it quick!
383
00:19:21,650 --> 00:19:23,130
Get it quick!
384
00:19:24,070 --> 00:19:26,230
Come on, Terry. It's just a cannon.
385
00:19:26,650 --> 00:19:29,810
An exploding gun machine built for
killing.
386
00:19:31,149 --> 00:19:32,199
I'm going to die.
387
00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:34,650
Hey, what are you doing in here?
388
00:19:35,030 --> 00:19:36,650
Wow, such a bustling location.
389
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,300
Great. Well, then let's get that lease
signed.
390
00:19:42,930 --> 00:19:44,870
What are they doing? Some kind of show?
391
00:19:47,470 --> 00:19:54,329
Are you sure this is going to work? I
392
00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:56,860
don't see why it wouldn't. I used all
the gunpowder.
393
00:19:57,150 --> 00:19:58,200
Excellent.
394
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:01,340
Terry really is a hero.
395
00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:04,910
I mean, he's going to shoot himself out
of the cannon, mostly for me.
396
00:20:04,911 --> 00:20:06,239
He's the best.
397
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:07,940
He sure is. I know, right?
398
00:20:08,220 --> 00:20:09,270
Terry, what?
399
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,480
Yeah, I chickened out.
400
00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:13,960
The kind of substitute I think you'll
approve of.
401
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,660
Who? Dirk Masters himself.
402
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:21,060
Now we can give Colonel Cannon a true
hero's standoff.
403
00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:52,610
Yep, classic death by cannon. We get a
lot of these this time of year.
404
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,780
Really? So we're not in trouble?
405
00:20:54,781 --> 00:20:56,139
Of course not.
406
00:20:56,140 --> 00:20:59,390
It's not like you died and you stuffed
them in the cannon, right?
407
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:00,970
Anyway,
408
00:21:00,971 --> 00:21:04,019
I got to get going. I'm late for court.
All right.
409
00:21:04,020 --> 00:21:06,610
What is wrong with our police
department, though?
410
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,540
Well, I promised you a fun day.
411
00:21:10,180 --> 00:21:13,310
Terry, a man died today, and it was
still the best day of my life.
412
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,850
You guys two got one of the paramedics'
numbers.
413
00:21:16,741 --> 00:21:19,599
The guy with the wedding ring?
414
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,799
Yeah, but he explained that. See, he
still loves his wife, but he doesn't
415
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,609
like her anymore, so I think it's fair
game.
416
00:21:24,610 --> 00:21:29,160
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