Original subtitles

Hey Peter, I thought of a great new promotion for the store.

Wow.

I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. And Peter, hang on to this one. It feels

right. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Laugh if you want to. I just did. It was good. But this is the kind of promotion

we need.

Cannon's the way!

It's Colonel Cannon?

Oh, I remember that show.

He fought crime every week by shooting himself out of a cannon.

For some reason.

Hey, check this out.

Dirk Masters, TV's original Colonel Cannon, is in town shooting a

Oh, my God. Don't care. It's for high -fiber bacon. You know, the breakfast

treat you can enjoy on the toilet?

Is that their slogan?

That reminded me. They are reissuing the first Colonel Cannon comic this month.

Oh, my God. Still don't care. You will.

Remember how his arch -nemesis was the Rat King?

Oh, no, no. We're not giving away rats.

I already bought them. You what?

Don't worry. All 200 of them are safe and sound inside this cage.

Huh. They're all gone.

Of course they are.

I can let the lid off.

Right for the best.

Go on. While all the rats were left over, I was going to feed to our new pet

snake.

What pet snake?

That 12 -foot bow constrictor in that cage right there.

Huh. It's gone too.

Just out of curiosity, what was in that cage?

You don't want to know.

aren't you i'm a little mad yeah because of the rats uh mostly the rats the

important thing is we did something fun today to celebrate colonel cannon we run

a business it's not supposed to be fun it's a comic book shop everything about

it's supposed to be fun i used to brush my teeth with tang why would you brush

your teeth with tang because i wanted the smile of an astronaut ever since you

came back it's been all money money bitches and honey okay that is a

impression of me

But it's not true. Oh, yeah? You're all about the bottom line. You're Mr. Buy

High, Sell Low.

You see, that's exactly why you're not allowed near the money.

Fine, then I'll just get away from you and your precious... the money.

Ah, damn it! Why did I put all the rat crap back here?

Son of a... Oh, that one's on the pinky.

What was that all about?

Is he going to be okay?

Yeah, he'll be all right. Just buy him dinner next door at Luigi's. Who can say

mad after all you can eat garlic bread?

Yeah, they closed.

What are you talking about? They just opened. Apparently the health inspector

was there this morning and he found rats.

It's ridiculous. Why would we release a bunch of rats?

Excuse me? What?

Nothing.

There you are.

On the house.

Thanks.

Now I've got to find a tenant who likes the smell of garlic and rat poison.

Hey,

a snake.

One double decaf mochaccino, easy on the foam.

Well, aren't you gonna ask me?

Ask you what?

Why I'm so happy even though I hate my job and Candy just told me I look like a

pile of failure in a hat.

You're not wearing a hat. I know. What a bitch.

Why are you so happy?

Drunk? No.

I am dating the best guy. He's a bouncer who also does a little cage fighting,

but I know that underneath it all, even though I have no reason to believe it,

he's super thoughtful and sweet and he just broke up with me.

What? God, I am so tired of dating jerks. What happened to the guy, Keaton?

seemed nice.

Yeah, that's the problem. If the guy's too nice, I become the jerk.

I've moved to France. Do not follow.

Fine.

Need the chocolate.

Point is, I love chocolate.

I think you'll find this is the perfect location for your daycare.

Uh, Raina, I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not?

Let's say there's something wrong with the door. Something snaky.

Don't be ridiculous, Boyd. I'm so sorry.

Where did all your kids go?

Oh, my God.

The children are over there looking at the snake.

Oh, wow. A snake. I did not see that coming.

Really? Isn't that what you were trying to warn me about?

No. They just waxed the floor in there.

Slippery. You said snaky. Did I?

That's weird.

Hey, Peter, we need to talk. What's wrong? Am I having too much fun?

I am a robot.

Beep, beep. I am filing comics. I have no heart.

I was built to hate.

What are you doing?

I am being a robot to prove I am not having fun at work.

It kind of looks like more fun. Yeah, it really is.

Look, I thought about what you said, and you're right. So I say, for once, we

forget about the money and have all the fun you want.

Oh, my God. Call a taxi. We're going to the...

Wow. You know how long I've been wearing these trunks under these tearaways for?

Six weeks. All right. Or, even better, we spend the afternoon with your hero,

Colonel Cannon.

Yeah, right.

He's not real.

Is he? No. Of course he's not. Unless he is. I knew he was. No, but actor slash

regularity spokesman Dirk Masters is, and I've invited him here today. For

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey, you're freaking out. I'm freaking out.

Breathe. Breathe.

Jerry, this is the best thing you've ever done.

I hope he brings his cannon of justice.

I bet he would.

Okay, I'm going. I'm going. I've got to get this fort ready.

Colonel Cannon's going to love this banner. He sure will.

Hey, this could be a huge promotion for us. Whatever do you mean, Pete? I mean,

people would pay a lot of money to meet Colonel Cannon.

Golly, do you think that would work?

Maybe we could charge 20 bucks a head. Let's make it 40.

Wow, turning Colonel Cannon's visit into a promotion. Great idea.

I can't believe you didn't think of it first, Terry.

What can I say? I'm all about the fun now. Right, Pete?

Colonel Cannon could be a huge promotion for us.

We could charge people to meet him.

I bet they'd pay $20 a head.

I'll make it $40.

Fun guy of the year.

I owe it all to the fans.

Welcome, Colonel Cannon.

Dirk Masters is coming here? Uh -huh. When did he get out of rehab? Come

Rehab. You know, after he was arrested for firing his neighbor's dog out of a

cannon. I did not have that information.

Why would he do that?

Because he's an insane, violent drunk.

Don't you kids read the tabloid? Pete's hero is a drunk.

He read the tabloid? You know, you should never meet your heroes.

I met my favorite pro wrestler last year, Judge Evil. He turned out to be a

super nice guy.

So did Sporting.

He's going to be crushed.

He really is. If he finds out, which he won't, we just have to make sure there's

no booze around.

Man, you're a jerk.

Did you just pinch my butt?

Yeah. What? No.

Oh,

the cannon mobile's here. We brought the cannon of justice.

He's walking up to the door. He's opening the door. He's opening the door.

he's coming inside. He's coming inside. Put his helmet down. Oh, my God.

He's behind me.

He's shaking my head. I'm never going to let go ever, ever. Now he's looking at

me weird.

Okay. All right. Mr. Masters, welcome to Silver Salmon.

Pleasure's mine. I met your father at a fan expo in 78. He's a wonderful man.

Hey, Terry, I'm Peter. I'm your biggest fan. When I was a kid, I built my own

Colonel Cannon costume and my own Colonel Cannon cannon, and I shot myself

of it by broke with my arm, so don't try it.

I'm Bernie.

Enchante.

Oh, would you like a cup of cannon punch?

I don't mind if I do.

Hey. You were worried.

It's delightful.

Sure, if you like it.

Peter,

where did you get that punch from?

Oh, I made it myself. I just got the recipe.

Frozen lemonade?

Yeah. Some strawberries.

Strawberries. A little orange zest. And some booze. Booze? Yeah, a lot of booze.

Booze. Don't be shy with the booze.

Got it.

What can I tell you about the show?

Oh, did you know that my sidekick died?

Twice. He wasn't the original Buckshot boy?

That's not so bad.

That's less encouraging.

Maybe he's a lovable drunk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Check it in, guy. Maybe you should slow

a little bit there.

No one tells Colonel Cannon to slow down.

Unless you're one of those evildoers. In which case...

Get me my cannon!

No evil here.

No, we do good.

Woman, get me a drink.

Oh, my God, he's a monster.

I wonder if he'll single her.

Come on. Come away with me to my shack for a dirty weekend. You mean it?

serious, though. I'm a world -famous superhero.

I'm just going to use you and throw you away like an empty can of Ovaltine.

But until then...

Stop drilling.

You've hit oil.

I'll go pack.

Missed you already.

This went different in my mind. I'm sure.

Should we remind Bernie that she's trying to stop dating assholes?

Actually, I think we should duck.

Why? He's got a gun!

Is that a rat?

My arch enemy?

You want to dance, Rat King?

I'll lead!

He doesn't have a gun.

Colonel Cannon doesn't have six ex -wives either.

He got a bullet.

But apparently, he's not out of guns.

I'm going to be killed by the one man I ever wanted to save me.

I didn't book Colonel Cannon for you. I booked him for the money. You what? I

knew he was a raging violent drug, and I booked him anyway.

Okay. Okay, I can die with a clear conscience.

Keep your panties on, boys.

I'm not going to shoot you.

You ever hear of Russian roulette?

You hear that?

That's the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore.

Peter, you don't have to do this. That's not what I have to do.

No, no. I mean, you literally don't have to do this. And I literally can't

believe that I trusted you.

Oh, Peter!

Stop! What?

You think I want to do this? You think I have a choice?

Yes, yes, you do.

The next time he hands you the gun, you keep it.

Yeah, right. Give me that.

Oh, thank God this horrible nightmare is over.

Now, say we get you outside and sign some autographs.

My heart!

You killed him. Oh, my God, you killed him.

All right, Peter, slow down. No one killed anyone, okay? The gunshot must

startled him into a heart attack.

Either way, he's a dead man. It's all your fault. Peter, I'm sorry, all right?

But we need to work together.

Fine. I'll dial nine, and you dial the other two one. No, no, no.

I spent our rent to get him here. If we don't have this signing, we are screwed.

Are you suggesting that we reanimate him into some kind of walking dead

abomination just to sign a few autographs?

Because I am in. I'm just saying.

Maybe there's a way that we can buy ourselves a couple of hours before we

the cops.

Harry! Peter!

I need to speak with you right now!

Please.

Fine. But I'm still mad.

Coming!

Raina! Hi.

Lovely as ever. Did I hear gunshot?

That's ridiculous. Why would we be playing Russian roulette?

What? What?

What? Nothing.

What is going on in there?

There are definitely no dead bodies in there.

Okay, just try not to ruin any more of my showings, all right? We killed a guy.

Why am I turning into Peter?

It's all under control.

Promise.

Excuse me.

When is the signing gonna start?

Just out of curiosity, what would you do if, instead of a signing, we just

watched a few classic episodes?

We'd demand our money back. I understand. And we'd start smashing

Fair enough.

That's some other form of escalation we haven't thought of yet.

I don't know, maybe, uh...

Fire? Fire?

Fire.

We'll be out in a jiff.

Perfect. Now we have a dead body in the back and a bunch of angry nerds out

front. They're going to kill us when they find out that we don't have Colonel

Cannon. What are we going to do?

Four words.

Weekend at Bernie's 2.

Now I really want to try it.

What we need is a whole new Colonel Cannon. By the way, where exactly did

put the real one?

Let's just say he's somewhere no one will ever find him.

Candy, I'm taking tomorrow off and there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, your fancy undies.

Is your cousin in town? You know, the one you kissed by accident in grade

For your information, I haven't seen her in years.

Seriously, where are you going?

I'm getting ready for a weekend with my boyfriend.

Weekend with my boyfriend.

Is that like a new ice cream flavor or something?

If you must know, I found the man of my dreams.

He's famous, talented, rugged. Sure, he's emotionally distant and an

and yes, he gets a little grabby.

Why? You're right.

Why am I dating him?

He's just the kind of jerk I said I would avoid.

No, why would he grab you?

He's almost like a male version of you. What is wrong with me? I thought I made

that pretty clear.

Maybe I've been settling because I don't think I deserve any better, but I do.

No. You don't.

Oh, pretending to be Colonel Kane is not going to be that easy.

Really? Can't I just get up there and the old cannon's away?

Ha, as if.

Right, they're going to hate you with every question in the book. Like what?

only ran 13 episodes and every one of them ended with him shooting himself out

of a cannon. Okay, how did he defeat the Cajun Bomber? He shot himself out of a

cannon. Fine, how did he get to church on time in a very special wedding

episode? Shot himself out of a cannon. All right, how did he escape Dr.

Shrinkster Sinister Shrinkwreck? Shot himself out of a cannon.

Half right. Very small cannon. Boom! You nailed it!

Okay, here's how it's going to go.

I'm going to be here in case anybody stumps you. Don't worry, I have your

Colonel Cannon!

Colonel Cannon!

Ah, you, the one with the question.

He picked me.

In your epic battle with the Koala Claw, what did you whisper in his ear right

before you bludgeoned him to death with his own didgeridoo?

Oh my God, that's such a good question.

Answer it, Colonel Cannon. Answer it.

Cannon's away?

Yes!

You know,

a wedding cake shop is just what this mall could use.

What's going on over there?

That's a little comic book store.

Ignore it. I tried to. Looks so busy. Must be great for the mall.

Uh, yes.

It's always that busy. Wow.

Come on, let's continue our tour. Okay.

Dirk, we've got to talk.

Actually, I've got to talk.

My name is Bernie. Not hot ass or sweet cheeks or sugar feet, which was just

weird. The point is, I am done with jerks like you, okay? So you have to

treating me with the respect I deserve or just drop dead.

I think I had him drop dead.

That doesn't make me some kind of murderer, does it?

Say it again.

And it's over!

Will this hold the weight of a limp body killed by love's cruel words?

Obviously. Great, thanks.

Going great. I sure wish Colonel Cannon was here. Peter. Oh, right. Sorry.

Hello, boys. Oh, Dan.

I mean, stranger who is completely unknown to me, Colonel Cannon. Shut up,

Terry.

Terry,

you must be delirious from having such a small penis.

Well, if you really are Colonel Cannon, he is. And not that asshole, Terry, who

I hear is quite charming. Then I'm sure you'll be ending this appearance the way

Colonel Cannon always does.

Obviously. By shooting yourself out of a cannon.

He did what now?

I mean, I would, but sadly, my cannon operator called in sick with car

trouble. You can count on me, Colonel Mann.

I'm a fully licensed cannoneer.

Good. Or may you knock Colonel Cannon and give every one of these bedwetters

their money back.

You could break both your arms, or worse.

Just funny.

Peter, this time it's not about the money.

It's about making things right with my brother.

You're doing this for me?

Okay, it's also about the money, but mostly for you.

See you on the other side, bro.

Peter!

I accidentally killed Dirk with my newfound self -respect.

Oh, God.

Good to confess.

Actually, Terry and I accidentally killed him with a heart attack.

You killed him?

You killed him, too.

Huh.

I guess I didn't have to hide the body.

Friends, do we really need to see a man

launch himself out of a cannon in an explosion of fire and smoke, shooting

through the air like some sort of cannon angel?

Flipping through the sky gloriously as he descends like a mighty, mighty comet

in a blaze of fire, landing safely on the ground and giving us two thumbs up.

that something you really want to see?

It's alive!

It's so cool!

Get it quick!

Get it quick!

Come on, Terry. It's just a cannon.

An exploding gun machine built for killing.

I'm going to die.

Hey, what are you doing in here?

Wow, such a bustling location.

Great. Well, then let's get that lease signed.

What are they doing? Some kind of show?

Are you sure this is going to work? I

don't see why it wouldn't. I used all the gunpowder.

Excellent.

Terry really is a hero.

I mean, he's going to shoot himself out of the cannon, mostly for me.

He's the best.

He sure is. I know, right?

Terry, what?

Yeah, I chickened out.

The kind of substitute I think you'll approve of.

Who? Dirk Masters himself.

Now we can give Colonel Cannon a true hero's standoff.

Yep, classic death by cannon. We get a lot of these this time of year.

Really? So we're not in trouble?

Of course not.

It's not like you died and you stuffed them in the cannon, right?

Anyway,

I got to get going. I'm late for court. All right.

What is wrong with our police department, though?

Well, I promised you a fun day.

Terry, a man died today, and it was still the best day of my life.

You guys two got one of the paramedics' numbers.

The guy with the wedding ring?

Yeah, but he explained that. See, he still loves his wife, but he doesn't

like her anymore, so I think it's fair game.

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