Original subtitles

Um, it feels kind of funny.

Well, then I must be doing something wrong. It should feel hilarious.

This is all happening so fast.

I know, but it just feels so right.

A magical dinner for two at the finest hotel, buffet, and walking distance.

What better way to end two -for -one Tuesdays than through becoming one?

That's beautiful.

More wine?

I'm sorry.

What's wrong? Too cold?

I can warm you up. No, not cold.

Ah. Too warm.

Maybe you're wearing too many bras.

I can help you with that. I think the problem is that guy.

Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not even here.

Right. I'll take care of it.

Hey, Peter.

Would you like a very special cupcake?

Obviously.

Don't worry. I drugged his cupcake.

He'll sleep like a baby.

Yeah, but he's still right there.

Right. Sorry.

I'm being insensitive.

Good night, sweet prince.

But leap now, so that I may hump.

Now, where... Denise?

Oh, damn it.

I must kill President.

Probably shouldn't have said hump.

Hey, Bernie, how you doing? I work at Sassitude. Shoot me in the face and end

now. But first, I need a cupcake.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Can't have those.

Terry, it's okay. I'm on this all -cupcake diet.

Okay, that was a lie, but wouldn't that be awesome? No, no, you can't eat those

cupcakes.

They're drugged for when I bring girls home.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Bernie, I don't drug the women.

I'm not a monster. I drug Peter so I can have sex with women while he's

unconscious on the floor.

I think this idea seems way less creepy when I don't say it out loud, although

I'm starting to realize why it never worked.

You're drugging your own brother. Do you know how dangerous that is? Don't

worry. These are pretty safe.

Side effects include dry mouth, persistent erections, and sleep heroics.

Sleep heroic?

See?

Dry mouth.

No big deal.

Oh, whoa.

That is persistent.

But harmless. No one's getting hurt.

My head's killing me.

Hmm. Doesn't say anything about headaches.

Wow.

That is persistent.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Next time, just get a hotel room.

Who can afford a hotel on $10 .25 an hour? Oh, $10 .25 an hour?

I know. That's nothing.

I guess you should have stayed here with us. You'd be making $20 by now, like me

and Pete. I only make $10.

What? How do you guys live? Do you make your own clothes?

That's ridiculous.

Make her own clothes, eh?

Oh, uh -oh. Okay. Uh -huh.

Uh, that's gonna hurt.

Okay. All right.

I will just dig it out with these scissors.

Oh, that's much worse. Just stitch through it. Just stitch through it,

Come on.

Scissors again.

I'm ruining my shirt.

That's what's really upsetting.

Hey! Hey.

You know that Dad always paid me a quarter more.

Yeah, when we were 12, we should make the same.

Your goal is $10 .25 an hour?

That's so adorable.

Look, I would love to give you a raise, but we have to minimize costs to keep

prices low.

Remember what Dad used to say?

Get your finger out of there.

He also used to say, great comics for great people at great prices.

I love watching you guys bond, but time is money, for me anyway.

See you at lunch, poor pants.

Poor pants?

Really?

Sorry. It's just so rare I actually get to feel superior to anyone.

All right, knock yourself out.

Why don't you go sell your blood at the place where they pay you for your blood?

The blood bank?

I'm on fire.

Hey, maybe I should make $10 .25 an hour and you can make $10. That way prices

stay the same.

No.

And get your finger out of there.

Whatever, Dad.

Another coffee break? Really? Or should I say cupcake break?

I'll have you know I didn't have a cupcake because it was drugged. You know

sad that sounds?

I do, yes.

Look, I know folding's pretty darn complicated for someone with your wide

fingers, but who is going to buy a wrinkled shirt?

Oh, you're right. That is a huge problem.

If only there were some way I could refold it.

Maybe you could refold all of them. But those ones aren't wrinkled. Really?

Now they are.

Come on, that took me like three minutes.

Nice attitude. You know, this is why you're never going to make manager

Why? How much do you make?

Eight dollars an hour.

Ha! Eight dollars an hour?

That's not even half of what I make.

What? You make more money than I do? Yeah. What do you have to say about

Yeah, I guess it sounds fair.

Really? Mm -hmm. Because in two years, I'm going to be married to a CEO with

washboard abs, and you will still be here, aging badly.

You don't know that.

Oh, yes, I do know that. You are going to die working at Sassitude. You are

going to be buried in Spanx.

Maybe I'll just fold these.

There you go. See, even though you make more, you still have to do what I tell

you.

Smile!

I can't believe there are suckers out there who would do this for half of what

make.

Fuckers.

Oh, thank you very much.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing? I'm evening out the wage disparity in this place. First of

all, great use of the word disparity.

Thank you.

It's on my word of the day calendar. I thought it was quite perspicacious.

Was that yesterday's word? No, I just made it up.

Second of all, those aren't wages. They're tips for my excellent service.

Isn't that right, Boyd?

Oh, sorry, Pete.

He's earned every penny.

He made a heart with the foam.

Oh, that's because I love you.

Damn, he's good.

Okay, well, then I'll just take over the coffee counter. Right? How hard could

it be?

Huh.

Is it supposed to do that?

Is anything supposed to do that?

Fine, you know what? I'll just set up a tip jar at the comic counter, and you

can't have any of that.

How are you going to get tipped?

Oh, I've got a few ideas.

Oh, my God, that poor woman, she's dead.

Is she?

Peter, that's amazing.

Why do I ever question you? You're the best.

Thank you, young man.

Um... Fifteenth and... Keeping in mind you don't have

magical powers.

Ben, I've got nothing.

You've had a rough day.

I'm giving you a ten -minute break.

Who made you Lord of the Break?

That's my job as manager.

Manager? What? I have way more experience than you do.

True, but I went to Harvard Business School. You failed out of Harvard

School. Yeah, what's the best school you've ever failed out of? The School of

Life. You failed out of the School of Life.

Well, you failed out of Little Dick College.

Why? Because I have a big dick?

Shut up.

We're going to have to discuss these little outbursts of yours at your next

performance review.

Fine. I'll do your little performance review, and we'll see who's manager

that.

So tell me, Peter, what would you say your greatest weakness is?

Um, well, uh, I'm not great at dealing with people or handling money.

Money. And, uh, I'm not so good with

fail.

or not lighting things on fire.

So I guess my greatest weakness would have to be my inability to rank my

weaknesses?

This is ridiculous. You can't just come back here after all these years and be

in charge of everything.

Well, to be fair, I don't have potential in your review. You make more money,

you gotta be manager, you have better hair, you're a way better dancer.

Where are you going with this?

Well, I mean, you make all the decisions without even asking me.

Well, to be fair, if we're just gonna do things my way... What's the point of

asking you? The point is, I know way more about this place than you do, okay?

do a lot of things around here you don't even know about.

All I want is a little respect.

And one of my special cupcakes.

No!

Damn it.

I've got a date tonight, so I'm going to need you to cover for me.

Here or on your date.

Because I'd have to meet this fella before I agree to anything.

Where's Bernie? Oh, she left a couple hours ago.

She can't do that. There are clothes to be folded.

But you're folding.

She hired me to do her job. What?

Bernie wanted me to mention something.

I missed my court date.

I can't be ready.

Oh, she's paying me $11 an hour.

Do you realize I'm now making more money than you?

Jealous.

You can tell Bernie that I'm not the slightest bit jealous of a pathetic

who lives in his van.

I'll be sure to pass it on.

Really earning my money today.

Well, look who's feeling better.

Although you're always left cranky after a lie down. Uh, Terry, not a little

kid. Juice box?

Great.

You know...

It's not so bad. I mean, you are better at business than I am. And all I really

care about is the comic book shop, and I'm still the master of that domain.

Hey.

What the hell happened to Pete's Pick?

Pete's Pick?

Yeah, Pete's Pick. The shelf dedicated for all my best comics. I took it down.

What?

I didn't think it was a big deal. It was taking up valuable wall space, and they

never sold. Yeah, of course they never sold, because Peach Picks aren't for

sale. Terry, Peach Picks are there to show everyone that I have the best

and that they should be jealous of me. Well, now they can be jealous of our

amazing travel mugs. And better yet, these are for sale.

Peach Picks is the lifeblood of this place, and you're just turning it into a

caffeinated whorehouse.

Pete, I think you're overreacting. Oh, oh, I'll show you overreacting, okay,

Manager?

From now on, you're on your own.

Because... I'm on strike.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, nice strike there, Peter.

Haven't had this many customers in weeks. Should have thought of this a

time ago.

Hey, you know what would really teach me a lesson? Why don't you stand closer to

the road and twirl your sign more? Oh, I'm twirling it plenty.

Okay, and laugh while you still can because you won't find anyone who can do

what I can do. What, bankrupt the store?

I am the Scotty of this enterprise.

You'll nag a warp speed without me. All right. I'm irreplaceable.

Hey, Bernie, you want a job?

Yeah. Sweet.

How's it going, employee?

Pretty good, boss.

Two soy lattes to go. Uh, yeah, we don't have soy milk. Oh, I know we don't. I

just said that because they're allergic to dairy. I figure what's the worst that

could happen?

They could die.

Oh. And that's the worst that could happen to me.

What happened to the rest of Peter's special cupcakes?

I sold them.

You can't sell these.

They're drugged.

Oh, yeah.

Whoops.

Leap heroic.

Cool. Excuse me.

I'm looking for Dark Badger.

Dark Badger?

That should be under D.

Yeah, I already checked under D.

Right. Then we'll check under B.

Check there, too.

Well, you could have told me that before I looked.

You waste my time, I waste yours.

Hello? What's wrong, Terry?

You can't find Dark Badger?

Did you check under her head for nocturnal animals?

You won't find it there, either.

It's only a matter of time before you beg me to come back.

No, thanks.

I'll do just fine on my own.

What do you want?

Why don't I guess?

Dark badger.

All right, I gotta think like Peter.

Badgers are weasels.

Weasels like fish. Fish live in the sea.

So, under sea?

Ha!

Here it is. Can't believe that actually worked.

Yes, I can.

Damn it. It's sold out.

Look, if you want to leave your parents' phone number, we can call you when it

comes in.

Or you can keep staring at me with your dead shark eyes.

Mr. Old and Creepy, you fold pants like a girl with no hands.

Inspirationally? Good for her.

Where's the security perv?

Boyd? Oh, he hired me.

So, Bernie hired him and he hired you?

Yeah, yeah.

How long's his shift?

He doesn't have a shift. He's busy being a full -time loser.

Oh, yeah, a full -time loser is paying me nine bucks an hour.

What? Yeah, he wanted me to let you know that I'm still making more money than

you.

Well, I just saw more vaginas than you have all year.

Hot. Okay, I need some copies of The Dark Badger.

Now.

I don't know how many. What's the usual?

They're multiplying.

Send me everything you've got.

So, who wants a cookie?

Come on, everyone likes cookies.

Mmm, yummy, yummy.

Hello? Hello, Terry.

It's your brother.

Say hi to the kids for me.

All four of them.

What's the matter, Terry?

Is it getting hot in there?

Perhaps a wizard cast a heat spell to punish you for your misdeeds.

Stay there.

Misdeeds. Misdeeds.

Psychological warfare? Well, that's my job.

Tell me you brought me a load of Dark Badger. Of course.

Oh, thank God.

But if the Dark Badger you wish to see, first, a riddle you must answer me.

Damn it.

Can anybody help me solve a very nerdy riddle?

You. You, sir. It seems right up your alley. Do you know anything about

Stop!

Stop doing that.

Bernie, you want to pour some coffee or at least stand next to the machine?

I'm on break.

Again? It's way too hot to work. Do you think you could get me a cold drink?

Break's over.

Terry, come on. I'm working two jobs right now.

Technically, you're not working any.

Wow. You're a real slave driver.

I don't know how Peter did it.

I have another riddle for you.

Somebody, I shan't say who, has clogged your toilet with the number two.

Unbelievable.

Perfect.

Hello? Backroom troubles?

Peter, stop doing this. If you're not going to help me, just leave me alone.

Fine, I'll help you. Have you tried jiggling the handle?

Nothing is supposed to do that.

You better turn around and you better be the super nerd.

Oh, hilarious.

And let me guess, you probably make $8 .50 an hour?

Yes. Don't you guys get it? I don't care that you make more money than me. As

long as I get to insult you all day, I win.

Okay. Where are we going to start with you?

You have worse hair than a prison lesbian.

Okay. I'm insulting your hair.

No one cares.

You don't understand my awesome insults? How am I supposed to hurt your

feelings?

I've tried everything.

I can't figure out stupid dark badger riddles. Don't let the answer is

dark badger. Correct, sir.

What? Really?

Excellent work, young one. I bestow upon thee the laurel of

Asmaldian.

Did I really do it for the laurels? These comics are all the reward I need.

And now, Riddle the Second.

Spider -Man is on a train leaving New York City at 55 miles per hour. No!

Hello!

What in the world's wrong, Terry?

I can't take it anymore, Peter.

I need you here.

Please come back.

What? You couldn't make it past Riddle the Second? I can't do... I can't do

this.

I can't run the store without you. Ha! I knew it. So you'll come back?

Uh, not so fast. There is the matter of the little wage discrepancy.

Fine, you get a 25 cent raise.

We're even.

As if I'm going to take the first offer. All right, how about a 10 cent raise?

Done.

No deal.

Fine, 25 cents it is.

Perfect. Now I'm going to head back inside.

You can deal with the Riddler here. See you next year.

Oh, I won't be long.

I believe I have all the answers to his riddles right here.

Five bucks?

You wanted a bride?

Yeah. It fits her, Terry. How things work in the real world.

I'm keeping that.

What are you doing? Thank God it's you.

I mean, I thought it smelled old in here.

I finally realized just how easy this job is.

Also, I want my full paycheck.

Also, Terry fired me.

You think I'll just take you back?

Think you can find a better employee who's an easier target?

Welcome back.

You know why dogs like to lick your face, Bernie?

Why? Because it looks like they're balls.

Good to have you back.

Hold this.

There you go.

And that is that. Why are they still here? They have the comics.

They're gonna...

Set me on fire with their minds?

No. When they form a cluster, it takes more than mere comics to disperse them.

There's a secret.

Known to only those who sit perched behind the comic book counter.

It's a magical, mystical secret.

Get out of here, or I'll hit you with this broom!

A broom.

Well, Peter, you were right. I can't run the store without you.

From now on, we make the same.

Okay? And?

And I will put Pete's picks back up.

And?

And... I bestow upon thee the laurel of Esmaldian.

And peace returns to the kingdom.

And I shall lead unto a new age of prosperity.

A golden age.

Where people will look at me as their leader and say, yay, he is glorious.

Terry?