All language subtitles for Almost Heroes s01e03 Girls

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:13,040 It's the man with the sword. 2 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:14,800 Hey, Pete. 3 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:15,639 Want to talk? 4 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:16,640 I know I'm kind of busy. 5 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:18,420 I can see that. 6 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:23,340 Look, I'm worried about you. You know, you spend all your time in the shop. I 7 00:00:23,340 --> 00:00:24,340 think you might be in a rut. 8 00:00:24,820 --> 00:00:29,700 Unlikely. Hey, I know it can be hard to meet people, but I think you're a great 9 00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:32,520 guy. You just need a little help showing the world, which is where I come in. 10 00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:35,140 Today is your lucky day. Oh, my God. I got accepted to space camp. 11 00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:39,360 No, for the thousandth time, you're not going to space camp. That's for little 12 00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,300 kids. The luckiest little kids in the world. 13 00:00:41,930 --> 00:00:43,370 I am going to help you get a date. 14 00:00:44,070 --> 00:00:45,430 No, thanks. I already got a date. 15 00:00:45,650 --> 00:00:46,650 Tomorrow night. 16 00:00:47,970 --> 00:00:48,970 Sure you do. 17 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:52,270 That's why I'm working out. Women love a strong sword arm. 18 00:00:53,210 --> 00:00:54,890 Wow. You're serious. 19 00:00:56,070 --> 00:00:57,070 That's great. 20 00:00:57,250 --> 00:00:59,350 But, and honestly, I mean no offense by this. 21 00:00:59,770 --> 00:01:00,770 How is that possible? 22 00:01:01,030 --> 00:01:04,330 She enjoys my Star Wars fan fiction. We meet up when she's in town on business. 23 00:01:04,970 --> 00:01:07,190 Don't worry, though. There won't be much talking. 24 00:01:08,090 --> 00:01:09,090 It's a booty call? 25 00:01:09,290 --> 00:01:10,910 A gentleman never tells. 26 00:01:11,370 --> 00:01:13,030 Let's just say there will be interest. 27 00:01:14,810 --> 00:01:15,810 I'm impressed. 28 00:01:15,830 --> 00:01:19,550 And I don't see me, no offense, but when's the last time you had a date? 29 00:01:19,790 --> 00:01:25,530 Oh, I just, I had... Now, if you will excuse me, I must go oil my sword. 30 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:44,880 Have a date tonight. 31 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:45,779 That's great. 32 00:01:45,780 --> 00:01:48,760 It is. It really is. But here's the confusing part. 33 00:01:49,140 --> 00:01:50,140 I don't. 34 00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:51,860 So? I haven't had a date in months. 35 00:01:52,260 --> 00:01:53,420 What about that guy you were seeing? 36 00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:56,460 Croft? I just made him up to make myself feel less sad. 37 00:01:57,620 --> 00:01:59,940 Oh, Croft. You shouldn't have. 38 00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:01,380 Get out of your league. 39 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:04,680 Turned out to have the opposite effect. 40 00:02:05,580 --> 00:02:08,240 How can Peter get more action than me? 41 00:02:08,820 --> 00:02:10,120 Could I be losing my mojo? 42 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,500 Bernie? I wasn't lost in your eyes. 43 00:02:15,780 --> 00:02:17,000 I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. 44 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,860 If anything, you're underreacting. 45 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:22,920 What? Really? 46 00:02:23,620 --> 00:02:24,620 Think about it. 47 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,720 Last year, you were this big -time Harvard success. 48 00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:29,380 Now you're stuck here. 49 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,560 The only thing you have left is your mojo. 50 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:34,780 I don't know about the only thing. The only thing. Before you know it, you're 51 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:36,760 going to be watching sea quest marathons with your brother. 52 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:37,978 We did that yesterday. 53 00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:39,940 Oh, my God. I totally didn't know that already. 54 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:41,320 You need a woman, Terry. 55 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:42,640 Any woman. 56 00:02:43,370 --> 00:02:45,970 Maybe even a woman who's right under your nose. 57 00:02:46,450 --> 00:02:47,450 You're right. 58 00:02:47,870 --> 00:02:49,130 How can I be so blind? 59 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,510 Raina, I can't believe I haven't asked you out until now. 60 00:02:52,910 --> 00:02:56,990 No, you ask me out every day, several times a day. In fact, this is the second 61 00:02:56,990 --> 00:02:58,570 time in this conversation you've asked me out. 62 00:02:59,030 --> 00:03:00,070 Right. Sorry. 63 00:03:00,650 --> 00:03:03,770 There's your coffee, cream, no sugar, because you're hot enough. 64 00:03:04,770 --> 00:03:07,570 That doesn't even make sense. Doesn't, does it? Something about you throws me 65 00:03:07,570 --> 00:03:08,429 off my game. 66 00:03:08,430 --> 00:03:09,430 Is it her vagina? 67 00:03:10,250 --> 00:03:11,250 I'll tell you what. 68 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,460 Let me make it up to you by taking you and your vagina out for a nice steak 69 00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:16,800 dinner. Do you regret saying that? Instantly. 70 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaking of changing the subject, a nice rabbit's foot. 71 00:03:20,260 --> 00:03:21,099 Oh, thanks. 72 00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:24,380 It's for luck. When I rub it like this, it makes my wishes come true. Oh, yeah? 73 00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:26,440 Oh, look, it's working. This conversation's over. 74 00:03:29,020 --> 00:03:31,920 Well, you handled that with all the grace of a dickless turtle. 75 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:33,300 What is that supposed to mean? 76 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:36,680 I think he's implying that turtles with no penises would be clumsy. It's a 77 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:37,680 center of gravity thing. 78 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:41,060 No, it's a terrible with women thing. You're having worse luck with women than 79 00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:42,060 am with online poker. 80 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,000 You can't call that. 81 00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:45,420 Why don't you just stop playing? 82 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,660 Why don't you get chemically sterilized? Burn. 83 00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:51,340 I mean you too. For your information, I have a booty call tomorrow night. 84 00:03:51,580 --> 00:03:54,480 Really? You're not even the coolest guy in your family. 85 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:55,539 Double burn. 86 00:03:55,540 --> 00:03:56,478 He meant you too. 87 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,060 No, that one was just for you. 88 00:03:58,520 --> 00:03:59,520 Oh, my contact. 89 00:04:00,670 --> 00:04:03,130 Seriously, think about this sterilization thing. 90 00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:06,630 Oh, my God. 91 00:04:07,190 --> 00:04:08,610 Peter, I'm blind. I can't see anything. 92 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:11,790 Can you see this? 93 00:04:12,250 --> 00:04:13,250 No. 94 00:04:14,430 --> 00:04:15,430 All right. 95 00:04:15,770 --> 00:04:17,310 Okay, get it all out. 96 00:04:17,670 --> 00:04:18,670 Whenever you're done. 97 00:04:20,209 --> 00:04:24,230 Ha -ha, very funny. I'm blind as a bat without my contacts, and I haven't 98 00:04:24,230 --> 00:04:28,090 new glasses since high school, so... So it's getting worse. 99 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,320 What's getting worse? 100 00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:32,920 First you strike out, now the glasses. 101 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:34,780 You remind me of someone. 102 00:04:35,500 --> 00:04:36,520 Oh, I remember. 103 00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,600 You. Ten years ago. 104 00:04:39,260 --> 00:04:40,280 But I hate that guy. 105 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:41,960 Yeah, we all hate that guy. 106 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,700 Remember what we called you in high school? 107 00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:44,980 Fatty, fatty, no dick? 108 00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:49,500 People called me that? Who knows? The point is, Fatty, your mojo is gone. And 109 00:04:49,500 --> 00:04:50,640 there's only one way to get it back. 110 00:04:50,940 --> 00:04:51,859 I'll do anything. 111 00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:52,860 Or anyone. 112 00:04:52,980 --> 00:04:54,400 Well, it can't just be anyone. 113 00:04:55,100 --> 00:04:56,880 It's got to be someone you've known for years. 114 00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,160 Someone you trust. 115 00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:01,580 Watch out for some random skank out in the parking lot. 116 00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:05,160 Parking lot skanks? Of course. 117 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:07,680 Oh, shit. 118 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,420 Yeah, I'm almost there. I just hit a bit of traffic. 119 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,520 Yes, I have the file right here. 120 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,080 Son of a bitch. 121 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,780 No, sir, not you. Oh, come on. 122 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:22,240 Need a hammer? 123 00:05:23,420 --> 00:05:24,860 I have no other choice. 124 00:05:27,920 --> 00:05:29,100 Why the heck did you do that? 125 00:05:29,980 --> 00:05:30,980 To get into my car. 126 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:32,240 But your keys are right there. 127 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:35,940 What did you give me the hammer for? 128 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:39,200 I was selling the hammer. Not that anyone wants it now that it's scratched. 129 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:46,660 Do you know why I'm having such rotten luck? My lucky rabbit's foot is gone. 130 00:05:47,020 --> 00:05:47,959 You're superstitious? 131 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,000 No, of course not. 132 00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:50,500 So this thing is luck? 133 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,340 I need my rabbit's foot. 134 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,620 I accept your offer. 135 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:59,840 I shall find you a rabbit's foot or die trying. No, no, boy, no, you don't have 136 00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,160 to... And he's gone. 137 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:03,220 So, you're into golf. 138 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:04,780 Me too. 139 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,760 There's something so sexy about a woman who knows how to drive. 140 00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:11,600 I'm also having a new promotion. 141 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:14,520 You can buy a putter or get a free drink with me. Why not? 142 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,340 Here, let me give you my card. 143 00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:18,240 Sorry about the glasses. 144 00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:24,980 This is just your medical information. 145 00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:26,560 Oh! 146 00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,120 Wow! 147 00:06:28,460 --> 00:06:31,400 I mean... 148 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:37,360 It's so different! 149 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:42,740 Why don't we just go someplace now? Someplace with dim lighting and very 150 00:06:42,740 --> 00:06:44,600 food. Not too spicy. 151 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,200 Well, I just have to lock up the shop. 152 00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:49,700 You work at that comic book store? 153 00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:50,879 Mm -hmm. 154 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:52,140 Oh, I just remembered. 155 00:06:52,420 --> 00:06:54,080 I forgot to take my nap. 156 00:06:56,010 --> 00:06:58,070 Here, take some hard candies. 157 00:07:00,510 --> 00:07:02,870 Hey, fatty, fatty, no dick. Think fast. 158 00:07:06,090 --> 00:07:08,770 Sorry, dude. I was aiming for your crotch. 159 00:07:09,450 --> 00:07:10,770 You know how funny that can be. 160 00:07:11,550 --> 00:07:12,550 Ten bucks. 161 00:07:12,650 --> 00:07:14,110 If this is my lucky day. 162 00:07:17,530 --> 00:07:20,910 Harry, I've been looking everywhere for you. 163 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:22,069 You have? 164 00:07:22,070 --> 00:07:23,910 Why? I want you. 165 00:07:25,789 --> 00:07:26,789 Really? Yeah. 166 00:07:27,070 --> 00:07:28,370 I've lowered my standards. 167 00:07:29,730 --> 00:07:30,730 Me too. 168 00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:33,310 I love how you smell like an old guy. 169 00:07:33,970 --> 00:07:35,470 Maybe we could all do it. 170 00:07:35,750 --> 00:07:36,750 Wow. 171 00:07:37,350 --> 00:07:38,350 Hi, Perry. 172 00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:40,290 We're new friends. 173 00:07:40,750 --> 00:07:41,750 Not now, Bernie. 174 00:07:42,130 --> 00:07:44,010 Sorry about that. Where were we? 175 00:07:44,450 --> 00:07:45,450 Never mind. 176 00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:46,870 We want him now. 177 00:07:47,690 --> 00:07:49,410 He's a real ladies' man. 178 00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:53,350 I got a mind for business and a body for thin. 179 00:07:57,349 --> 00:08:00,070 What? Who's slippery like a dirty little monkey? 180 00:08:01,370 --> 00:08:03,050 Great. It's a dream. 181 00:08:03,790 --> 00:08:04,790 No! 182 00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:07,850 Are you okay? 183 00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:10,050 Is that baby oil? 184 00:08:10,370 --> 00:08:12,370 Yeah, of course. I have a date. 185 00:08:12,650 --> 00:08:14,290 The chest isn't going to oil itself. 186 00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:20,450 Bernie, I need a jacket. No problem. 187 00:08:20,810 --> 00:08:23,090 Preferably not something a slutty 19 -year -old girl would wear. 188 00:08:23,530 --> 00:08:26,530 Problem. But I can sell you some lovely jeggings. 189 00:08:26,990 --> 00:08:30,210 Eh, never mind. Can you keep your eyes peeled for a rabbit's foot, though? 190 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:31,810 Oh, like the one Ford's guy has. 191 00:08:32,510 --> 00:08:33,770 Who, Dan? 192 00:08:43,530 --> 00:08:45,390 Oh, thank you. Contact. 193 00:08:46,490 --> 00:08:47,409 Hey, Terry. 194 00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:48,970 Notice anything different about me? 195 00:08:50,570 --> 00:08:51,309 Your hair? 196 00:08:51,310 --> 00:08:52,510 No, it's my new lip gloss. 197 00:08:52,770 --> 00:08:55,870 It's made from the venom of a blowfish. It's called Blow Yourself. 198 00:08:56,230 --> 00:09:00,110 Okay. They say the constant stinging leads to permanent nerve damage, but I 199 00:09:00,110 --> 00:09:01,350 think it's worth it for fuller lips. 200 00:09:02,010 --> 00:09:03,830 So, I thought about what you said. 201 00:09:04,130 --> 00:09:05,130 I knew you would. 202 00:09:05,930 --> 00:09:07,090 Time for the last resort. 203 00:09:07,390 --> 00:09:09,230 Breaking case of emergency. The internet. 204 00:09:09,530 --> 00:09:12,870 I put up a profile on unexpected connections. 205 00:09:13,890 --> 00:09:15,550 But, but, emergency. 206 00:09:15,790 --> 00:09:19,210 If you hadn't panicked me, I'd probably have wasted time hitting on every girl 207 00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,089 in this mall. 208 00:09:20,090 --> 00:09:21,090 Every one? 209 00:09:21,150 --> 00:09:23,730 Every single one, but not anymore. 210 00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:31,190 Hey, Terry, still having a bit of a dry spell? 211 00:09:31,890 --> 00:09:34,990 You want some tips from the sexual ninja? 212 00:09:35,810 --> 00:09:39,990 Top of your going with? Tip one, compliment women on the largeness of 213 00:09:39,990 --> 00:09:42,530 necks. They love it. That is not true. 214 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,510 Tip two, foot massages. 215 00:09:45,270 --> 00:09:47,190 Women love to give foot massages. 216 00:09:47,450 --> 00:09:49,210 I feel like you're just making these up. Tip three. 217 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,080 Come up with a great nickname and theme song. 218 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:59,620 Sexual ninja, able to have sex without crying most of the time, like 219 00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:00,660 a ninja would. 220 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,700 Yeah, this woman is real, right? Not made out of potatoes or something? 221 00:10:04,940 --> 00:10:05,980 Oh, she's real. 222 00:10:06,220 --> 00:10:07,900 She is freaky. 223 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:12,820 All right, she'd kill me if I told you this, but she likes to dress up as Yoda 224 00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:14,580 and show me the ways of the force. 225 00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:18,420 Yeah. Do me or do me not, there is no cry. 226 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:22,500 It's pretty hot and disturbing. That is disturbing. 227 00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:31,440 Well, well, well. Look who's got a date. Thank you, Internet. And in your face, 228 00:10:31,580 --> 00:10:36,580 Peter. And for the record, you are not a sexual ninja. Now, I'm going to go on a 229 00:10:36,580 --> 00:10:40,320 normal date with a normal girl. You can stay here and bang Yoda. 230 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:41,760 Told him you did. 231 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,860 Call me again and you won't. 232 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,300 That was her, wasn't it? 233 00:11:20,030 --> 00:11:21,030 The internet's amazing. 234 00:11:21,190 --> 00:11:22,530 I didn't even have to post a picture. 235 00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:25,840 So... She doesn't know what you look like. 236 00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:29,180 You should give her to Peter. 237 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,180 She's not a hockey card. I can't just trade her. 238 00:11:32,460 --> 00:11:33,460 I'll take her. 239 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,480 But... No. 240 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:36,880 I need this. 241 00:11:37,860 --> 00:11:38,860 Really badly. 242 00:11:39,060 --> 00:11:40,920 Harry, there are other girls. 243 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:42,760 Girls who want you. 244 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,060 No one wants Peter. Thank you. 245 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,400 Finally, a little backup. 246 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,040 Then it's settled. 247 00:11:48,060 --> 00:11:51,560 Peter gets your date, and we get to discuss your other options over dinner 248 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:52,560 wine. Sorry, Peter. 249 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:54,320 Get your own girl. 250 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:55,720 This one's mine. 251 00:11:56,820 --> 00:11:58,600 Terry, the choice is simple. 252 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,060 Replace my girl or suffer the supernarble. 253 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:04,040 What? No. 254 00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:06,720 No way. You can't. It's what honor demands. 255 00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:09,579 Damn it! 256 00:12:09,580 --> 00:12:10,580 You're right. 257 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,760 Fine. You can go out with her. 258 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:20,040 Excellent. Oh, and Terry, the date must go perfectly or supernarble. 259 00:12:22,890 --> 00:12:24,190 What the hell is a super nurple? 260 00:12:24,470 --> 00:12:27,590 When we were kids, you know how you come up with punishments to do to each 261 00:12:27,590 --> 00:12:29,070 other? Like nunchuck balls. 262 00:12:31,810 --> 00:12:33,450 Hello, Kate Byrne. 263 00:12:37,010 --> 00:12:43,730 Well, super nurple was the worst 264 00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:46,990 punishment we ever dreamt up. We never even tried it. 265 00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:48,350 It was too horrible. 266 00:12:52,750 --> 00:12:53,750 Did you stop that? 267 00:12:54,270 --> 00:12:55,750 Sorry, looking for a rabbit foot. 268 00:12:55,990 --> 00:12:56,990 Get! 269 00:12:57,170 --> 00:12:58,430 Read them and suck it. 270 00:12:59,310 --> 00:13:03,270 Welcome to Sportapalooza. They got all the balls you can handle. 271 00:13:03,630 --> 00:13:04,970 I've come for what's rightfully mine. 272 00:13:05,730 --> 00:13:07,030 I knew this day would come. 273 00:13:07,490 --> 00:13:11,150 Tired of hanging out with Tweedledee and Tweedledodick. Decided you're ready for 274 00:13:11,150 --> 00:13:12,150 a real man. 275 00:13:12,230 --> 00:13:13,670 All right, I'm in. 276 00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:14,870 Gross, I'm out. 277 00:13:14,970 --> 00:13:18,710 You sure? I know a bowling alley nearby that has cheap wings, light beer, and a 278 00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:20,410 jukebox that only plays country music. 279 00:13:20,710 --> 00:13:21,609 That sounds awful. 280 00:13:21,610 --> 00:13:22,610 Oh, you know awfuls? 281 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:23,640 Yeah, it's a great bar. 282 00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:25,620 You stole my rabbit's foot. I want it back. 283 00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:29,140 Wow. Put a woman in a pantsuit. She thinks she's a lawyer. 284 00:13:29,660 --> 00:13:33,420 It's my lucky rabbit's foot. No, that's clearly mine. And you have no idea how 285 00:13:33,420 --> 00:13:36,700 much I need it. No, I need it. I'm six players away from winning a poker 286 00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:38,580 tournament that I've been playing for the last seven hours. 287 00:13:39,580 --> 00:13:42,100 Fine. Why don't I just give you the money you would have won at poker? 288 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:43,620 What is it, like 20 bucks? 289 00:13:43,860 --> 00:13:44,980 Winner gets $10 ,000. 290 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,680 Fine. 30. 291 00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:48,100 Take it or leave it. 292 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,500 Wow. A romantic afternoon date. 293 00:13:53,780 --> 00:13:55,400 Like high tea. Don't say that. 294 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,540 Hey, what shirt do you think is going to be better for a date? 295 00:13:58,980 --> 00:13:59,980 Definitely go with neither. 296 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,300 Now, here's how it's going to work. 297 00:14:01,660 --> 00:14:03,720 You're going to stay in here with this headset. 298 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,280 Bernie and I will be out there on this phone. 299 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:11,460 You do what I tell you to do. You say what I tell you to say. It'll be just 300 00:14:11,460 --> 00:14:14,080 Cyrano de Bergerac. Wait, no, no. I don't think that worked out for my 301 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,019 in the book. 302 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,240 Or the movie. Or any subsequent remake. 303 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,400 Which is exactly why it's due to work now. 304 00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:24,960 This is never going to work. It's got just as good a chance as any plan where 305 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,680 one brother coaches another brother through a headset. 306 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,060 My mojo is gone. 307 00:14:28,580 --> 00:14:31,560 I can't even get a girl for me. How am I going to get a girl for him? 308 00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:35,780 It'll be the blind leading the slightly less handsome blind. 309 00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,560 You know I can hear you, right? 310 00:14:37,820 --> 00:14:39,100 Wait. She's here. 311 00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:45,440 Oh, this is so unfair. Look at her. She's hot. That's my type. 312 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,240 What? What do I say? 313 00:14:47,740 --> 00:14:48,740 What do I say? 314 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:51,860 I don't know. Okay, breathe. 315 00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,280 Breathe. 316 00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:55,460 Okay, what does she look like? Does she have a large neck? 317 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,120 I've got good lines for large necks. 318 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:58,560 Are you okay? 319 00:14:59,380 --> 00:15:02,460 It's getting worse. Now I can't even talk to a girl. What am I going to do? 320 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:03,779 My, my, my. 321 00:15:03,780 --> 00:15:06,840 You have very sensual elbow skin. 322 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:09,720 Peter, don't worry. 323 00:15:10,140 --> 00:15:13,220 I think I know exactly what a woman wants to hear. 324 00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:15,300 Hi. 325 00:15:15,380 --> 00:15:17,020 Hi. So good to meet you. 326 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,040 And you're so normal. 327 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:22,880 I was worried that anybody I met online would be a freak. 328 00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:24,800 Yes, I am normal. 329 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,200 Super normal. 330 00:15:26,220 --> 00:15:29,260 I should be on the FBI's most normal list. 331 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:30,820 I don't have an axe. 332 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,040 Bernie, what? 333 00:15:32,060 --> 00:15:36,660 Sorry. I mean, why don't you sit back and relax? 334 00:15:38,260 --> 00:15:42,820 Perhaps you could show me some photos of your cats. I hope you have more than 335 00:15:42,820 --> 00:15:43,820 one. 336 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:47,680 Kidding. 337 00:15:48,270 --> 00:15:49,270 Clearly kidding. 338 00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:53,330 Ignore Bernie. Repeat everything I say and you'll be fine. 339 00:15:54,090 --> 00:15:55,530 Look, I got you flowers. 340 00:15:56,610 --> 00:15:58,730 They pale in comparison to you. 341 00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:00,510 Oh, thank you. 342 00:16:00,790 --> 00:16:01,870 Some champagne? 343 00:16:02,610 --> 00:16:03,610 Oh. 344 00:16:04,570 --> 00:16:08,530 Thank you. 345 00:16:10,330 --> 00:16:11,870 The bubbles tickle my nose. 346 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,750 Great ad -lib, Peter. Keep it up and she'll be putty in your hand. 347 00:16:16,510 --> 00:16:17,510 Excuse me. 348 00:16:17,870 --> 00:16:21,150 Wait, Peter, you're not literally repeating every word I'm saying, are 349 00:16:21,150 --> 00:16:22,490 couldn't possibly be that stupid. 350 00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:25,350 Oh, you're funny. 351 00:16:25,670 --> 00:16:28,450 Phew, good save, Peter. Oh, my God! 352 00:16:32,510 --> 00:16:34,350 Hey, burning hair? Let me check. 353 00:16:34,690 --> 00:16:35,690 Free hot dog! 354 00:16:37,570 --> 00:16:38,570 Yeah, not here. 355 00:16:39,030 --> 00:16:40,030 Yeah, thanks. 356 00:16:40,270 --> 00:16:41,330 So did you get your rabbit's foot? 357 00:16:42,490 --> 00:16:44,350 No, Dan said it was his. 358 00:16:44,610 --> 00:16:45,610 You're just gonna give up. 359 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:46,800 Well, what can I do? 360 00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:50,080 Oh, I get it. You're just one of those people who pretends to be successful and 361 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,300 confident by wearing a pantsuit. 362 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,620 Why is everyone picking on the pantsuit? 363 00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:57,260 I just thought you were the kind of woman who would stand up to a jerk like 364 00:17:01,940 --> 00:17:04,800 And that is how I saved that busload of orphans. 365 00:17:05,180 --> 00:17:08,460 Wow. Yes, if it weren't for me, they would have seen Transformers 2. 366 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:10,060 But I stopped them. 367 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:12,319 Wow, you know, I'm really having fun. 368 00:17:12,940 --> 00:17:16,420 I mean, I have to admit, you're not really my type. I normally go for a 369 00:17:16,420 --> 00:17:17,819 taller, hipper version of you. 370 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,400 I cannot resist a man like that. 371 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:22,960 Someone's on a roll. 372 00:17:22,980 --> 00:17:24,140 Yeah, no thanks to you. 373 00:17:24,819 --> 00:17:25,839 FBI's most normal list? 374 00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:27,319 Did you really think that would work? 375 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,260 No, but I thought it might force you back in the game. 376 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,040 Really? I couldn't stand seeing you like that. 377 00:17:34,260 --> 00:17:35,800 And I felt a tiny bit responsible. 378 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,340 You got my mojo back. 379 00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:40,220 Bernie, I love you! 380 00:17:41,740 --> 00:17:46,960 It may cost me the super nurple of a lifetime, but a man's gotta do what a 381 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:47,960 gotta do. 382 00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:52,500 What's happening? 383 00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:57,300 Why am I so warm? 384 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,300 Um, are you okay? 385 00:18:02,180 --> 00:18:07,560 I'm sorry I was quiet just then. I was deep in thought. I must stand now and 386 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:08,680 walk outside the store. 387 00:18:09,150 --> 00:18:11,110 And not come back inside no matter what I hear. 388 00:18:19,650 --> 00:18:20,650 Hi. 389 00:18:21,030 --> 00:18:22,090 Sorry about that. 390 00:18:22,830 --> 00:18:27,410 That was my special brother. I look after him. When I'm not busy being a 391 00:18:27,570 --> 00:18:29,710 hipper, less retarded version of him. 392 00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:31,930 That is so sexy. 393 00:18:32,590 --> 00:18:33,590 My God. 394 00:18:34,090 --> 00:18:36,110 Anyone ever told you you've got the neck of a swan? 395 00:18:37,270 --> 00:18:38,270 Champagne? 396 00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:40,630 Oh, look who's back. 397 00:18:41,130 --> 00:18:43,290 Decided you want a little sexapalooza after all? 398 00:18:43,830 --> 00:18:47,270 Just made that up. This is your last chance to give me my rabbit's foot back. 399 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,650 I have no idea what you're talking about, so I can only assume it's somehow 400 00:18:50,650 --> 00:18:51,650 period -related. 401 00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:55,010 Boyd, Operation Lucky Fluffy is a go. 402 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,010 Who's this? 403 00:18:57,590 --> 00:18:58,590 Over. 404 00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:01,750 Boyd, go with the plan. The one we talked about. 405 00:19:02,390 --> 00:19:04,570 Right. I'm on it. Over. 406 00:19:06,530 --> 00:19:07,650 What happened to the power? 407 00:19:07,890 --> 00:19:09,250 I've been playing for hours. Hours. 408 00:19:09,830 --> 00:19:11,430 I was about to win $10 ,000. 409 00:19:12,190 --> 00:19:14,790 Maybe you should have thought of that before you stole my lucky rabbit's foot. 410 00:19:14,890 --> 00:19:16,670 It's my rabbit's foot, psycho. 411 00:19:17,050 --> 00:19:18,050 Okay, you know what? 412 00:19:18,270 --> 00:19:23,130 Your bullying won't work on me, you doughy, over -the -hill jock. 413 00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:25,530 I hope losing that money taught you a valuable lesson. 414 00:19:26,410 --> 00:19:27,470 I found your rabbit's foot. 415 00:19:27,870 --> 00:19:28,870 Over. 416 00:19:31,290 --> 00:19:33,450 I'm sorry, what was that, Boyd? It was under your desk. 417 00:19:33,830 --> 00:19:34,830 Over. 418 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,480 So cutting the Power to Dance store... Was completely unnecessary. 419 00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:40,100 Over. 420 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:45,800 Did you really cut Dance Power? 421 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:47,120 That's awesome. 422 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:51,120 No, it wasn't awesome. I totally overreacted. Now I have to give him two 423 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,099 free rent. Yeah? 424 00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:53,500 I bet he was pissed you lost the tournament. 425 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:55,400 How did you know about that? 426 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:56,840 Oh, I've been playing him all day. 427 00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,460 Thanks for taking him out. He was my biggest competition, and now I'm one 428 00:20:00,460 --> 00:20:01,480 away from winning $10 ,000. 429 00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:14,100 That's what I'm talking about. 430 00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:16,240 Mmm, yeah. 431 00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:18,020 What are you looking at, creep? 432 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,620 Oh, yeah. Mmm, you smell good. Yes, you do. 433 00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:24,459 Excuse me? 434 00:20:24,460 --> 00:20:25,460 Perv much? 435 00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,180 Why don't you come over here and sit on my lap? 436 00:20:28,620 --> 00:20:30,340 Yeah, I bet you got soft lips. 437 00:20:30,540 --> 00:20:32,140 You picked the wrong date of myth with me. 438 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,000 Mmm, yeah, let's get you out of those clothes. 439 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,980 It feels good. Oh, yeah. 440 00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:41,160 Let's see what you got up there. 441 00:20:42,570 --> 00:20:43,570 Look, it looks like a penis. 442 00:20:43,990 --> 00:20:45,010 Oh, my God, do you have a penis? 443 00:20:45,890 --> 00:20:50,350 Do you ever forgive me? 444 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,410 Yeah, well, she wasn't really my type. I mean, her eyes were too close together, 445 00:20:54,530 --> 00:20:56,170 and she'd never seen Sequest. 446 00:20:56,850 --> 00:20:57,870 Also, she had a penis. 447 00:20:58,130 --> 00:20:59,130 Yeah, I guess. 448 00:21:00,070 --> 00:21:01,070 So, are you ready? 449 00:21:01,650 --> 00:21:03,030 Peter, I don't think I'll ever be ready. 450 00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:05,330 Still can't believe that was a man. 451 00:21:06,870 --> 00:21:10,850 Yeah, apparently I accidentally signed up for unexpected cocknexing. 452 00:21:11,530 --> 00:21:12,900 Still. Nice guy. 453 00:21:13,140 --> 00:21:14,480 I had a lovely time. 454 00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:15,980 Yeah. 455 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:18,260 You really did get your mojo back. 456 00:21:18,980 --> 00:21:20,920 Yeah, but at what cost? 457 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:23,660 Get this over with. 31852

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