Original subtitles

What are you doing?

Terry, say nothing. How casual.

I don't like where this is going.

Criminals have broken into the store while we slept.

Hand me my axe.

They're customers.

Not for long, they're not. Hand me my axe. Peter. Yes.

I've explained this many times.

We open early now. That's what coffee shops do.

Dad never believed in opening before noon.

And Dad, God love him, never made a dime. We have to start taking this

seriously. I take the business seriously.

What do you mean?

We're open all day.

We don't wear PJs to work.

And we're always polite to our customers.

I am always polite to our customers. Even Francis.

Hey, get back, Francis!

No way!

Doctor Who is gay!

I'll show you gay!

No, wait, that came out wrong. That came out wrong!

Hey! And no more stealing food from the coffee shop. We have to pay for it. Uh,

no, we don't. The coffee shop does.

We are the coffee shop.

Oh, yeah. See, this is why we make such a great team.

On my own, I am powerful, but unfocused, like a laser.

Lasers are focused. That's our whole thing, being focused.

But you came along and pointed this laser into Faith's eyes, and now Faith

see 20 -20. That is total gibberish. Point it together. We can do anything.

You realize that as soon as this door is back on track, I'm leaving, right?

Yeah, of course.

All right.

Oh, no, Terry. I'm afraid I can't let you go anywhere just yet.

And no more sinister laughing.

I don't get it.

We were finally starting to do well, and now we're losing money.

Fast. Really fast.

Almost suspiciously fast.

What an unfortunate turn of events.

Hello, boys.

Ah! Dan!

Now you got money trouble, son.

Jamie won't be able to buy that new training bra.

Uh, Terry doesn't need a training bra because he's not a girl. Yeah, and if he

was, he'd get a big double D bra for his giant friend.

Thanks, man.

Okay, well, I've got money to make. I'll see you, big tits.

Free comic with purchase.

Great idea, Terry.

Oh, thank you. For my free comic, I will take that muffin. No substitutions.

Adventure Cat, Tree Man, you can't give these away.

They're worthless discards. Tree Man, worthless?

He's the only thing standing between the meadow and chaos. Oh, my gosh. Enjoy

your free comic.

Peter, I'll trade you this comic for a muffin. Obviously. Take two.

I gave up.

What's the problem?

He's just stressed because we're not making any money.

I thought you guys were doing well.

That's the perils of a free market society, and I'm stealing from the till.

What? Well, he's going to leave as soon as we're out of debt, and I don't want

him to go.

Peter, you have to give it back.

You're right.

I should invest the money to impress Terry.

I didn't say that.

Good point. It would have to be an investment so big it would impress Terry

enough to stay.

I think you're only hearing what you want to hear.

Okay. Well, I'll take a nap first, but I'll see how it's going to help.

Big gulp. Where have you been?

We've been swamped.

Hey, you know those are for girls, right?

And men with naturally slender necks.

If you must know, I was having coffee with my friends.

Oh, of course you were.

And then you rode your unicorn home and ate a salad.

I love make -believe. I have friends. Terry and Pete.

Oh, gay guy friends. Right, I thought you meant real friends.

Girlfriends.

I have girlfriends.

A ton of them. A metric.

Ton. Too many.

Like, like, like her.

That's your friend.

Uh, try best friend.

She's texting me.

Our inside jokes.

What a funny remark.

Well, looks like we're meeting for lunch. Gotta go.

My chin's a summer, but my neck's a winter.

Don't forget your free comic.

Thanks. Oh, Peter.

I think I figured out why we don't have any money.

Wormhole? Someone's been stealing from us.

Somebody we know.

Someone desperate.

Boyd! I did it! Or Boyd! Boyd did it! Let's get him, regardless of his alibi.

You stole from us.

You're mad, aren't you?

I've overreacted a little. Sorry about that. It's going to leave a mark for

sure. What do you say you back up? I pull? Let's do it. Okay. Ready?

Okay. All right. One, two, three.

Okay. It is in there.

Why would you do that?

Peter, I've been working so hard to turn this place around.

Yeah, but when you do, you're going to leave.

You realize that if the store fails, I'm definitely leaving, right?

I hadn't thought that through.

How much did you take?

$1 ,500.

We have $1 ,500?

Wow. Maybe I do know how to run a business.

You do? We can actually pay rent. We can. So give it back. I can't. I spent

on a comic. Dark Badger, issue one. It's incredibly rare.

I see.

No, but it's a comic I've already got a buyer for who's going to give us $3

,000. That's double our money.

Wow.

Peter, I'm impressed.

We might even say you're so impressed you never want to leave. Well, let's not

get ahead of ourselves.

So where is this $3 ,000 comic?

It's on the counter.

This counter? Yeah. Right here? Mm -hmm.

Next to the pile of other comics that I've been getting away for free? Yeah.

This whole time? Indeed.

Do you see it now?

Huh. I do not.

Where do you think it went? I don't know. Maybe I gave it away! Oh, my God,

Terry! That was worth $3 ,000!

Hey, Raina! Old buddy!

Hi.

I want to say Sally?

Bernie. It's Bernie.

Right. Sorry.

No,

you can call me Sally. I don't mind. I kind of look like a Sally.

Glad to hear it, Sally.

That is hilarious.

Oh, how we laugh together over shared things.

What's happening here? What?

Are you a painkiller?

No, I'm trying to prove to my boss that I actually have girlfriends.

Oh, is that your boss?

Pens. Are you looking at a size two with the heart of a snake, tongue of a

jackal, and skin of a... Well, actually, her skin is pretty good.

Yeah.

Can I buy you lunch?

Really? You'd buy me lunch?

Why? I'm hungry.

Plus, I've shopped there before.

She's sick.

I need that comic, Francis. No way, it's mine. That guy gave it to me. That was

just a hilarious mix -up. Not my problem.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

I said no.

Look, Francis, this can go down the easy way or the hard way, but either way,

that comic is mine.

He bit me! He bit me!

Hey, Terry. Bernie, thank God. I need you to help me find a missing comic.

If you don't find it, there's no way we can pay our... Raina!

Our landlord. Hi.

Problem? No.

You look great. But you know that.

What you might not know is that I have two tickets to whatever it is you happen

to like this Friday.

Sounds great.

You serious?

Yeah.

Hey, did you find the comic? I can't talk. I must clean my wound.

All right, you know what?

Just help yourselves to, uh... I gotta... That was so cool how you did

Did what?

Before, when you shot Terry down and he liked you more?

Oh, yeah, that.

I'll let you in on my most closely guarded secret.

I'm not interested.

Clothes, the attitude, the way you say cool things like, I'm not interested.

You've got it all.

I'm so stuck working at this crappy mall for a boss I hate. We're so alike.

Yeah, he's always making me stay late or redo paperwork.

Or calling you God's biggest mistake.

What?

This is how you should get back at your boss.

Mail him a jar of bees.

A jar of bees?

Bernie, you're funny.

Yes, funny, because no one would actually do that.

How would the bees even stay alive?

You put holes in the lid.

I guess.

Hey, kid.

I think those losers want that comic pretty bad.

Any idea why?

Because they're losers?

Nice one.

I like you, kid.

Great. You tell all the kids in the parking lot how much you like them?

All right, easy.

I was just going to offer you 20 bucks for it. You just offer them money that's

way less creepy.

Okay, look, kid. This can go down the easy way or the hard way. But either

that comic's mine.

Now, kid, let me do the talking, all right? Where is this kid?

He bit me!

He bit me!

There.

Francis doesn't have the comic. Well, he doesn't have the comic. Yeah. And we

don't have the comic. Uh -huh. And he doesn't have the comic. Okay.

Then we don't have the comic. You got nothing.

Looking for this, fairy boys?

Oh, I don't think so.

That is not good.

Yeah, some people would call that hate speech. No, he has the comic. I don't

care what he called us. Then you are part of the problem.

I want to return this. Neck's all stretched out. It's just not my color.

Are these bullet holes?

Oh, yeah, and there's bullet holes. No problem.

You're in a good mood.

Drunk? No, this is real happiness, not 2 a .m. sad happiness.

Hey, have you noticed how great Raina is?

Sure, the attitude, the clothes, the way she says cool things like, you can't

park that van here. Oh, she has got it all.

I know, and I think we're becoming friends, like real friends, not 2 a .m.

friends.

Look, I know you really like her, but take it easy. You don't want to come on

too strong.

Don't worry.

I'll play it cool.

Hey, Ray.

Oh, wow.

Look at me.

Oh, my gosh.

We're wearing the same thing. What a fun coincidence.

I just threw this on this morning. I saw you an hour ago.

Right, so where do you want to get lunch tomorrow? I made reservations at like

12 places just in case. The Dutch -Italian fusion sounds good, but, you

confusing.

Yeah, I'd love to get lunch, but I'm actually meeting some other friends.

You have other friends?

Don't you?

Of course.

I'll just take one of them to the windmills of Sicily.

Okay, sounds good.

Unless lunch was some kind of a big deal.

Big deal?

It's forgotten.

What are we even talking about?

Who am I?

Who are the flowers for?

No one.

Just like the by -myself flowers sometimes.

Whoa, where are you going?

I'm out.

We spent all of our money on a comic and then gave it away. Technically, you

gave the comic away, so I'm the one who should be leaving.

I'd like to say it's been fun, but I can't. Where are my keys?

How am I going to pay rent?

You can't. What's going to happen to the store? It'll be in flames within

minutes. What will I tell Wendell? I have no idea who that is. He's the guy I

promised the comic to. He sounds like a serious collector. He's going to be

pretty mad.

His name is Wendell, and he likes comic books.

He'll throw his inhaler on the roof.

I'm here about a comic.

Peter, I don't suppose you have an inhaler.

I want my comic.

What would you do if I told you we didn't have... Said comic.

Well, I'm off.

He's going to kill me.

Which is exactly why I have to leave. I can't watch him kill you. I love you too

much. Please.

Fine.

All right, here's what we do.

One of us stays here and keeps Wendell busy, while the other uses his wits and

charms to trick Dan into giving us the comic back.

I promise I will make this up to you. Peter, just get through this, all right?

I'm not going to abandon you when you're in danger. That's not what brothers do.

Penn! Tell him.

You got a brother?

I did.

I killed him.

Good for you.

So, uh, I'm gonna run.

Good. Go ahead.

Hey, Bernie.

Oh, hello, stranger.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I cannot talk to you right now, as I'm off to

hang out with all of my other friends.

Oh, okay. Yeah, they're pretty great.

So there's Simone, Arcoir, Simone 2.

She's Streetwise 1.

Wow, they sound great. They are. They really are.

Yeah. It hurts, doesn't it?

I just wanted to see if you were up for coffee, but you're busy, so... Wait,

you'd still want to have coffee with me?

You didn't think just because I wasn't available for lunch tomorrow we were

never going to hang out again, did you?

Of course not, because that would be crazy and a little bit sad.

But you're going out with your friend, so... Well, I mean, it's not going to

take long. It's just next door. I'll be done in no time, and we can grab a

coffee then.

Okay, great. Or I could just meet you there. I mean, it is a coffee shop. And

then I could meet your great friend.

Great.

Well, well, well.

What can I do for you?

New pair of figure skates.

Very funny.

The old ones are just fine, thank you.

No, I think you're probably here because this comic is pretty important.

That old thing?

As if it's worth it.

So you don't mind if I were to just say... Oh, no, no, please, we're

of dollars.

Jackpot. Damn it.

Thousands. I think I was going to let you have it for a hundred bucks.

Would you take a hundred bucks now?

Sure. Really?

No.

How about a trade?

Hmm?

Everyone loves a trade.

How about a bat signed by Major League Baseball's first black player?

First black player was Jackie Robinson. This looks like it was signed by

Jackwell Robertson. Right.

Also, it's aluminum.

I see.

And it's from my store. Did you pay for it?

Would a football signed by Baby Ruth sweeten the deal?

Get out.

something out, I promise.

What? Him?

No, no, no, Dory, he doesn't see you at all. A giant brown van is the perfect

place to hide.

Okay, now he sees you.

That was partially my fault.

You're only making this worse.

How's that possible?

Raina, hi.

Meet my friends. This is Simone, Farquhar, and of course...

Simone, too.

Why can't I be, boy? Oh, Simone, too. You are a riot.

I want my ten bucks.

Okay. Uh, maybe I should go.

Nonsense. No, no, no. Grab a seat. Just not there. A far car gets a little

bitey.

Bernie, what are you doing?

I am having a perfectly normal coffee break with three of my closest friends

clearly are not homeless people.

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm leaving, ladies.

Charmed. Oh, no, no, wait. Please, look. Okay, I... You caught me. They aren't

my friends.

That's a hell of a way to find out. I made them up to make you jealous, and

I didn't want you to know I was lying, so I did the only logical thing.

You hired two homeless people and put Boyd in a wig. Anyone would do the same

thing.

Look, I like you.

It's just... I'm a color inside of the lines kind of person, and you color

wherever you damn well, please.

What are you saying?

I don't think this is going to work.

Well, at least I still have you guys.

Where did they go?

You came on too strong.

And Farquhar took your purse.

We're doomed.

Doomed.

Feeling doomed?

I don't know if you know what's going on with my brother and me. I am going to

kill you.

I got the gist of it. Well, I need Dark Badger issue one. Otherwise, Terry's a

dead man. It's all my fault.

Let me tell you a story. Yes, please.

When I was 12, I smashed my mother's bath vase over my brother's head.

Knocked him out cold.

My mother loved that vase.

So the next day I went out and bought one that looked exactly like it.

She never knew the difference.

And once my brother finally comes out of that coma, ooh, how we will laugh.

A replica vase, eh? A forgery that looks exactly like the original vase.

Boyd, you're a genius.

I have your comic. Oh, thank God.

Now to give you your comic, which is clearly the original and not a quickly

doctored forgery.

Oh, yeah.

What in the world is that?

He's bathed.

Oh, boy, that did not work at all. Where? I don't see anything. Keep

keep looking, keep looking.

Oh, goodness.

Where are you from?

No, no, no, this is all my fault. Please, beat me off instead.

Okay.

Stop going to sleep, big man. He's not going to sleep.

I got him Wendell.

Who's Wendell?

You're not Wendell?

Of course he's not Wendell. Does he look like a Wendell?

I'm Leslie.

Of course you're Leslie.

Leslie, Leslie.

What are you doing here?

Someone stole my nephew's comic out in the parking lot and bit him.

I'm here to get the comic back in exact revenge.

No, that wasn't us. That was Dan.

And Dan is?

Three doors down, creepy mustache.

Oh, my gosh.

I am so embarrassed.

1 ,500 should cover the damages.

Again, are you... Are you cold, Billy?

No.

Oh.

Oh.

Hello.

Hi.

There you are. I was talking to a sweater for ten minutes before I was

When did Bernie get so smart?

I should go.

Hey, Candy.

By the way, congratulations.

Oh, you're not pregnant?

I'm sorry.

Coffee later?

Sure. Sounds good.

So I guess you'll be making track.

Moving on.

Head to the next town and search a good grub and clean sheets.

I'm not a hobo, Peter.

And, uh, I'm not going anywhere.

You're not?

I mean, yeah, you'd never leave me. Well, I don't know about never, but say

learned your lesson.

Oh, I have.

Never steal money, buy a rare comic, and then lose it.

Okay, that's a pretty specific lesson, but still, you were willing to take a

beating for me. I was, and I would do it again.

Oh, my God.

Is that what a beating looks like?

Oh, no, no, no. I would never risk that for you.

What happened to your face there, Dan?

What'd he say? I don't know.

I think he's sorry that he stole our comic.

Also, he had a small penis.

What?

Why would he admit to that? I don't know.

Enjoy.

It all worked out.

No loose ends at all.

Hi.

My name's Wendell. I believe you have a comic for me?

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