All language subtitles for Almost Heroes s01e01 Pilot.eng

We are gathered here today to say
goodbye to my father.

It's no secret that we didn't always see
eye to eye, but he was always there for

me, even when I wasn't there for him.

I'll always love him for that.

I know this is an unconventional place
for a funeral, but my father was an

unconventional man, and my brother
insisted.

Most people say that comic books are for
weird, out -of -touch losers who refuse

to grow up. But I say, my dad always
gave those losers a home. Stop calling

losers.

Right. And now my brother Peter would
like to say a few words.

I'm going to keep this signified.
Obviously, you will.

And now, a Klingon haiku of mourning.

My father is gone.

I wish he could come back, but he can't.

And even if he could, would I really
want him to?

I mean, he'd clearly be a zombie or some
form of undead monster.

The only way to stop his brain lust
would be a bullet to the head. I just

think I could handle losing him twice.
Stop talking about zombies.

Right. Sorry.

Zombies. Zombies.

Zombies. Zombies.

And that is why we had him cremated.
Okay.

Touching stuff.

Thank you all for coming. Refreshments
will be served inside.

But first...

Do we have to do this? Well, it's
ridiculous.

Friends, I invite you all to gaze in
wonder as my father's

ashes are propelled into the ionosphere
where they will become one with the

heavens and perhaps be born again as
life -giving rain.

So beautiful.

Who's ridiculous now?

Oh, dear God, run!

Oh, he's in my eyes! He went into my
eyes!

It's good to be home.

Peter, I am so sorry I'm late. I want
you to know, whatever you need, I'm here

for you.

Thank you. So where's Terry?

Oh, he's over there by the punch,
spiking it with alcohol, which he's been

drinking.

Watch out. When he drinks, he will flirt
with anything.

Oh, really?

Love you for our riches.

Thanks.

A picture of your father?

Yes. No.

It's a funny story.

Dad always dreamed he'd get William
Shatner's autograph.

And one day, there he was.

William Shatner.

E .J. Hooker himself.

Or so Dad thought.

Poor guy was blind as a bat without his
glasses.

Of course, it wasn't Shatner.

It was some guy with great hair.

At least Dad never had to know.

I don't know why Pete framed it.

It was an electric car.

That is part of it. Dad loved
alternative energy.

Well, that man, he died. I guess it's
not really a funny story.

Do you want to get out of here?

You are definitely a woman, right?

Terry!

Bernie, hey!

Finally, familiar face.

God, you look great.

You think?

Really?

Okay, please, stop hitting me.

Sorry.

Your brother says you're getting drunk
and flirty. He's just jealous because I

can talk to women without getting a
nosebleed. That was one time!

Oh, look at you, Mr. Big Time Harvard
Business.

How is the business stuff?

Right. Business is cool.

And that is why Kenya's resource -based
economy is so closely tied to our

creature companies.

Just make me a f***ing latte.

I don't want to brag.

So did I hear you're some big shot
lawyer? That is what I put on Facebook,

it's got to be true.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

When did the mall get a security guard?

I don't know. He just started showing
up.

Of course he did.

This place is such a loser magnet.

Thank God we got out. I know, right? Can
you imagine if you were still stuck

next door selling hooker boots to 14
-year -olds?

That would suck.

Hey, Greenstrap.

Your break ended 10 minutes ago. Those
hooker boots aren't going to sell

themselves.

She must have me confused with a lift.

Successful person.

Still work there, don't you?

No, but I must leave now and do
something unrelated for the next five

There you are. I could use your help.
I'm selling out faster than George

And I would love to help you sell comics
at our dad's funeral, but I'm busy.

Getting drunk?

Yeah. Getting drunk at a funeral. That's
what normal people do.

Pot too?

Look, Pete, I'm just trying to make it
through this freak show. No offense.

Fine. Well, enjoy your paranoia and dry
mouth, please.

Hello, boys. Oh, Dan.

I'm so thirsty.

Pete? Wow.

Dan, you're really quiet.

Oh, yeah.

It's the new Whisper 3000.

Just got him in.

So quiet you could kill a cheetah.

That's a terrible slogan. Look, I never
liked your dad.

I like you two even less.

But... I'm nothing. Just wanted to get
that off my chest.

That makes you think about what's
important.

Speaking of which, I want your store.

What? You already have a store right
down there.

Yeah. This one's going to be all across
all the time. Oh, that sounds awful.

Anyhow, here's my offer. Think it over?

What? Are you kidding? Is this a joke?
Should I laugh now?

Uh... Hey,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Very funny, Mr.

Comedian. Tell me this. If we sell the
store, where am I going to live?

Wait, you're living in the store?

I'll talk to him, Dan.

Dan?

Wow. Those are quiet shoes.

Hey, boys.

I feel like maybe you've wasted your
life.

Are you kidding? Look at me.

Hey, can I get some quarters? A pocket
full of change makes me feel like a big

man. Maybe I'm asking the wrong guy.

Hey, gravy train. More folding, less
goofing off with sad loners.

I'm not sad.

I misunderstood, which makes me sad.

Sweet.

Terry, you're here, seeing me, working
here. Hey, is Peter living in the store?

Yes, but I'm not supposed to tell you
that. How long has he been there?

I'm also not supposed to tell you he's
been here.

Wow, you're terrible with secrets.

Yeah, well, you still wet the bed from
time to time.

Oh, wait, that's Peter, too.

I'm a monster.

Why wouldn't he tell me that he had no
place to live?

Maybe he's embarrassed. I mean, you were
so successful, and he's a 30 -year -old

single woman still working at Fastitude.

Come on, it's not that bad.

Why are you still working here? I've got
student loans to pay.

I thought you didn't go to school.

Apparently, they want you to pay back
the money either way.

Oh, someone's dog had diarrhea up front.
At least, I think it was a dog.

Either way, it was a job for a fat hand.

Wow. Bernie, I used to know would stand
up for herself.

You're done talking to your boyfriend.

Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

Obviously, he's not your boyfriend. I
was joking.

You having a boyfriend, it's a joke.

Wow, this place is dead.

What are you talking about? This is the
afternoon rush.

Right, Harold?

You never buy.

So, you want to turn down a big pile of
money for a store that apparently never

makes any.

What do you care? Tomorrow you go back
to Harvard, your martinis, your fast

cars, your tuxedos.

You're thinking of James Bond.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Well, who cares? I've been pretty
much managing this place for years, and

we've always done just fine.

Hello?

Oh. Why, hello to you.

Aw, damn it!

Yeah, he's not so good with girls.

What can I get for you?

I need money.

Huh. It usually comes after the sex and
before the crying.

Is there a grown -up here I can speak
with? There's not.

I see.

I'm the property manager, and you guys
are way behind on your rent.

Ah, well, my apologies, Raina.

Instead of money, do you accept boyish
charm?

Why, do you have any?

Stop trying to get in my pants. It's
shameless.

What do we owe you?

$8 ,000.

And I'm sorry to say this, but this is
your final notice. We'll need full

payment in three days, but we will evict
you.

We're gonna lose the store?

We? You're the one who's been managing
it for years. One day without Dad and

we're bankrupt.

We're on a tight ship.

Pete.

Sergeant Fabulous, son of Megatheber.

As smart as he is loyal, good at
thankless job.

Son, I, Mega Saber, need your help.
Anything for you, Dad.

I have a job so thankless only you could
do it.

But what of my brother?

Do you not need his help, too?

Badger dick? No, for he's as cruel as
the night is long and has the dick of a

badger.

Oh. My.

God.

Shut up.

What, did you just come back here to
mock me?

No. I've been thinking about how to save
the store.

Oh, me too.

Check it out.

This is just a drawing of you with
really big muscles. And a cape.

Theme night, like medieval times. No
electricity, just costumes and candles.

What could possibly go wrong?

Oh, my God!

It went so wrong!

This truly is the worst -case scenario!

Um, no.

Okay, how about...

We use the force.

Like when we were kids, remember, when
we wanted something really bad, we'd

close our eyes.

Or, or, or, instead of flaming nerds and
magic grunting, how about, and I'm just

brainstorming here, going to the
landlord and getting an extension.

Can I come? No chance.

Why not?

What could possibly go wrong?

Why is this happening?

Who keeps doing this to me?

Fine, but no costumes or fire.

Woo -hoo!

Next stop, success.

Yeah, here.

Dick is poking out of your PJs.

Successfully.

Hey, Jerry, just hanging here alone.

Call me if you want to do something. We
could get drunk in the parking lot for

old time's sake.

Not that I do that anymore.

I don't.

And goodbye to you, random customer.

Oh, give it up. He is way out of your
league.

He's almost in my league.

I don't want to talk about this.

Ooh, you want the cute boy to touch your
hoo -ha.

That is so gross. Stop it.

That's like a farmer sleeping with a
pig, and not a good -looking Charlotte's

Web pig, but like a... You're a pathetic
pig!

Pig. Stop.

I'm gonna do you a favor.

I'll sleep with him, and then I'll give
you all the details.

It'll be like describing a sunrise to a
blind person.

Headbutt! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Candy?

Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis,
penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. What

you doing? I say it now to get it out of
my system so I don't say anything

stupid when it counts.

You're worried that you're accidentally
going to say penis to our landlord.

It happens more often than you think.

Sorry about that, guys.

Thanks for waiting.

No penis.

I said penis.

I meant penis.

Penis problem. Cock problem. Cock penis.

Happens more often than you'd think.

So I would say those things to myself
before an important meeting at the

of my system.

I'm so sorry about your father.

He was such a nice man.

And I would love to give you an
extension.

Woo -hoo! But I can't. Boo!

I spoke to the bank. The store's already
leveraged to the hilt. It seems your

father spent pretty heavily.

Of course he did.

What did he spend it on? Captain America
collector plates?

Life -size Borg costumes?

Apparently he spent over $200 ,000 on
his son's tuition at Harvard.

Oh.

I can't believe we have to sell all
because

of stupid Harvard. Yeah, well, I picked
up a few smart things at stupid Harvard,

like how to negotiate a deal.

It's all about getting the upper hand.

Hello, boys. Stop taking the offer! I
mean, hello?

What brings you two here?

You know we don't sell tampons, right?

Very nice. Look, we want to sell, but we
want 50 % more than your original

offer. Take it or leave it. Well, if he
leaves it, we need the money. Shut up,

shut up, shut up.

I'll take it.

Really? Great.

Yeah, it'll be worth it to get rid of
your stupid brother here.

He's a character, all right. So we got a
deal? Character?

He's Admiral the SS Douchebag.

Worst cruise line ever. Let's get this
in writing. He's a complete pile of

donkey foreskin. Are there Jewish
donkeys?

He's a useless sack of shit who should
just die. Am I right? Hey!

Nobody calls my brother Donkey Foreskin
but me. Our prices went up another 20%.

Easy. Okay.

Get this in writing. I'll get a pen.

Terry, don't mention it. No, you don't
understand.

I know, it means a lot to you. Terry,
it's no... Peter, it's fine. One hug,

that's it.

That's all I'm talking about.

Deal's off, lady.

What? Why?

Because you just handed him our eviction
notice?

I see it. If I wait three days, I get
your store for nothing.

I'm such a donkey foreskin.

Oh, you both are.

Now get out.

Bernie, I feel like a knight on the
town. Boyd, I'm kind of busy. Can I

mannequin? One that looks kind and
understanding but not stuck up.

Actually, I only need the bottom half.

Uh, hey, Candy?

Do you mind if Boyd takes a mannequin?

I guess not.

Is that... Yeah.

Is she okay?

Help me. No.

Oh, God. I'm going to get fired and go
to jail. I just want to impress Terry

because he's so successful.

Ify, as Dale Carnegie said, success is
getting what you want.

Happiness is wanting what you get.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got quite
the magical evening ahead of me.

No names.

Sergeant Fabulous all alone.

No friends or home.

Sergeant Fabulous?

What do you want?

I'm sorry, Peter.

Sergeant Fabulous?

I'm sorry, Sergeant Fabulous.

That's all right. School's expensive.

You can't blame yourself.

But I can blame myself for flunking out
six months ago.

What?

I've been working at a coffee shop on
campus.

I didn't know how to tell Dad.

Or you.

You mean we're going to lose the store
because you flunked out of business

school?

Okay.

I deserve that.

But the store was doomed anyway.

Liar!

What's the matter, Sarge? The truth
hurt?

Oh, no.

Why did you just run away? That's the
only thing you're good at. Ah, dreamer!

You fell out!

Oh, look at us. I don't want to do this
anymore.

Me neither.

I just want things to be like they were.

I know.

I'm sorry.

No, that's sorry, too. It's all my
fault. No, don't say that. It's not. I

missed you. I missed you, too. Oh,
that's fabulous.

You were so brave and strong.

Oh, hello. I hope you like flippers.

Okay,

I'm out.

Let's go get drunk.

Not yet. I want to see where this is
going.

So you flunked out.

He totally did.

I can't believe I was so worried about
what you thought of me that I took your

stupid advice.

I told you to stand up for yourself, not
kill her.

She's not technically dead.

I think it's badass. Like, you're a
superhero who hits girls.

I can't believe it's come to this.

Back here in the parking lot.

Drinking. What am I drinking?

Shoe gin.

You made this in a shoe?

I'm a witch.

We're fracked.

The only day we made any money this year
was the wake.

The wake.

That's right.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Kill a drifter and have a wake?

I like it. I know a guy. No.

No. What did the wake have that the
store doesn't?

Oh, a body. Guys.

Food. Drink, it's a place to sit. Think
about it. Why are we out here in the

parking lot?

Because we are fracked. All right.

Easy there, Apollo.

We're out here because there's no other
place for us to just hang out.

But we can change that.

I just hope there's time.

I should get Candy to the hospital.

One double half -decaf, triple foam, no
whip, extra hot vanilla latte. One

Sargent Fabu latte coming right up.

That's not what I said.

I'd like the limited -issue, four -color
reprint of Knuckle Justice.

Ah, the German edition.

Excellent choice, my friend.

There you are.

Millennium Falcaccinos. You had the
Falcaccinos.

Those are for us.

Wait, you're buying coffee for her?

She doesn't remember anything.

Doctors say it's the worst concussion
they've seen, but I still have my job.

Here you go.

I'm a pony.

Of course you are.

Come on, girl.

Coffee shop in a comic book store.

It's kind of beautiful.

A place where people can come together
and be equals.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

No. Really?

You know, in some alien cultures, that
would be considered a proposal of

marriage.

God, no coffee for this.

$60, $80, $2 ,000.

Great. You're only $6 ,000 short.

I was hoping you were bad at math.

My whole job is math.

I was hoping you were bad at your whole
job. But we turned the store around in

two days. I know. That's got to count
for something, right? Not a thing.

Terry, it's time to use the force.

You have seen the movie, right?

Nobody does that. They do the force
their way. I do it mine.

Come on, Terry. You used to believe me.

What the hell?

I'll give it a try.

I'm sorry, man.

I'll give you $6 ,000 for that
signature.

What? Really?

You know, it's not really William
Shatner.

Who's William Shatner?

Pretend you didn't just think that. That
is Johan Kluffman, the elusive French

horn player from Denmark.

He never signs anything.

It's priceless.

I have cash.

Well, that's convenient.

We'll take it.

Sure.

Wow.

Maybe you guys really do have the fort.

You will go out with me.

Or not. Yeah.

It all worked out. And you were worried.
All right. We'll see about that. No!

Ian! You know, your luck's going to run
out one of these days, boys. And when it

does, La Crosse -a -Palooza will be
waiting. That is a terrible name.

We'll see.

Well,

now what?

I guess you'll be leaving?

Well, I guess I can stick around until
the sword gets back on its feet. Woo

-hoo! Roommates forever!

This is only temporary.

Woo -hoo! Roommates for temporary!

Hey, I got an idea for a new promotion.

Free sword lessons for kids. No. Have a
free sword. We're not doing that. Okay,

but I think the Force will change your
mind.

I instantly regret that.

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