Original subtitles

A fine romance with no kisses.

A fine romance, my friend, this is. They think we're like a

couple of hot tomatoes.

But we're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance with no wrestling.

A fine romance.

With no nestlings, we might as well play bridge with our maiden aunts.

Love hasn't got a chance.

This is a fine romance.

Is he asleep?

Out with the light. I never thought of that song as a lullaby.

Are you sick of it?

A bit.

Me too.

Surely they want to trade him in for a puppy.

Give it a week or two.

Is the coffee ready?

Yes, I was waiting for you.

No, you sit down.

I'll get it.

Here.

Oh, I don't like to be beside the seaside.

Yeah, I get to you, doesn't I?

How did your mum used to get you off the plate?

With a big mallet.

I don't know.

What about yours?

She used to sing when golden slumbers kiss your eye.

Oh.

Apparently, Laura used to like the boogie -woogie bugle boy of Company B.

I can't imagine your mother singing that. Yes, it does stretch the

doesn't it? Yeah, trust Laura.

Yes.

I do hope she's all right.

Of course she is.

Do you realise she's been in Brussels for six months now? I hope she'll be all

right. Well, we don't know that.

Yes, we do.

Where was the letter? Excuse me.

You said Brussels was still fine, her job was still fine, her apartment was

still fine.

Everything was still fine.

That's the trouble.

It's so non -committal.

Ah, merci.

Georges?

Sorry.

Georges?

It's beautiful.

It's the most beautiful ring I've ever seen.

It is my heart.

Yes, I know, but...

But

you see, a ring on this finger means... I know all about fingers.

And I love every one of yours.

Yes, but just because you love my fingers... Laura, you are a very

woman.

I'm not beautiful.

I mean spiritually.

Spiritually.

We will live in brothels and spend our summers in my house in the Ardennes.

Or perhaps take another house by the sea.

That's three houses.

You would like four?

No, no.

Okay.

Georges, when I came to Brussels, I was running away.

You did not run far.

Perhaps you expected to be pursued.

No.

Well, no.

The point is... Well, you don't have to run from me.

I am not constructed for the chase.

I don't want to run from you, Georges.

Excellent. Then we shall be married. Next month?

I don't want to marry you either.

Then what do you want?

A friend.

Very well.

I'll buy you an apartment.

Oh, not that sort of friend.

Georges.

You are a dear, kind man.

You know, I am 50 years old, and I have only proposed a marriage

four times in my life.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be. The other three all said yes.

They are now all very wealthy women.

Ah, Mr. Selway. This is Mr. Wolfe.

Thank you for your estimate.

Looks fine to me, but there are just a couple of points. Perhaps you could tell

it firmly this evening.

Lunch, I think.

Lunch. Dinner.

What was it he said again?

I believe his exact words were, Mr. Selway.

From conception to completion, the work you've carried out has been of the very

highest order.

Would you like me to say it again?

No, no.

We did do a good job, though.

That was actual landscape guide.

I could spread the word round his mind.

Oh, you sure do. And if he is the Jones that everybody wants to keep up with,

bunce.

Sorry? Other jobs.

So that's what I meant. Oh, no.

Plus the maintenance contract, you know, you two have brought me nothing but

luck. Oh, haven't you? You could say the same.

Oh, thank you, Mac.

Anyway.

One, two.

One, two, and three.

Bit of a bonus.

Super.

That's very kind of you, but really, shouldn't this go through the books?

Well, no.

He paid by cheque. This was a sort of... Oh,

nevertheless... Well, this is cash.

It's gone from his hands to Mike's hands to our hands, to our homes, and very

likely to our wife's hands.

Now, it wouldn't be fair to bother the Inland Revenue with all that, would it?

They'd only get confused.

What you got, Wilf?

Er, cheese.

You? Oh, blink, it's smoked salmon again.

Chell gets it working in the supermarket.

On discount, of course.

I must have about 500 weight of this stuff at home.

I'd much rather have your cheese.

I'd prefer your smoked salmon.

You could be clever and swap.

Shall we?

Why not?

lose your place.

Shall we then, Steve Gardner?

Who?

Russell?

Yes, yes, speaking, yes.

Yes, I'll take the call.

Hello, Laura.

Hello?

She hung up.

Perhaps she will cut off.

No, that was the sound of a phone going down. I know that sound. What did she

say?

Hello, Mike.

What did you say? Hello, Laura. You heard me.

Well,

that's hardly enough to constitute a disagreement.

Ring her back.

No, I don't have a number. Why not?

Well, look, it's not really any of your business, is it?

Was that or was that not a perfectly innocent inquiry on my part?

This is very good smoked salmon.

Well, it's a weird set -up, isn't it? I mean, they're living together when we

started here, then all of a sudden she upstakes and whistles off to Brussels,

then nothing for months, then she rings up, says hello, Mike, and puts her phone

down again.

Weird is the word, isn't it?

Tenuous, perhaps.

Delicate.

Ambiguous, even.

No. Weird is the word.

There. Now we can hear him while he's upstairs in his coffin.

Listen.

That is our son breathing.

We're going silly, are we?

Well, only slightly.

He had to work and he controlled from his ends.

Not till he's three months old that he can call down and order his supper when

he wants it.

That's good, though. He'll save us tearing up and down the stairs every

minutes, see what he wants. You're the one that does that.

Well, at least I don't claim he talks.

I didn't say he talks. I said he makes noises which sound remarkably like

What words?

Well, rugby.

He does.

Then he says Twickenham.

Cardiff on start.

I'll get you later.

All right?

Mike!

Hello, Phil. Come on in. Come on.

Where have you been?

Come and see her. Come on.

Look who's here.

Mike! Where have you been hiding?

I haven't seen you for months.

Actually, I've been pretty busy, and what with the baby and everything.

How is he, by the way?

Ah, just the average sort of prodigy, you know.

I mean, just because you and Laura didn't... Well, you're still our friend,

Mike. We like to see you. Thanks.

Actually, it was Laura I came about.

Do you want a drink?

No, thanks. You see, she phoned me this morning.

Oh? Oh.

At the office. Did she?

Did she? Yes.

What did she say?

Hello, Mike.

Well, she would say that, wouldn't she?

Yes, I suppose I would, actually.

Well, what else did she say?

Nothing. Just, hello, Mike. And then she hung up.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Well, did you say anything that might have made her hang up?

No, just, hello, Laura.

She gets worse.

How exactly did she say hello, Mike?

Well, I don't know.

Sort of, hello, Mike.

No, no, no, no, I've tried that. There are only so many inflections you can get

into three syllables.

We had a letter from her last week.

How did she sound in that?

Well, she said everything was fine.

That's a bit non -committal, isn't it?

My God, you're like a secret society, you two.

The understanding what law really means for society. Why can't fine simply mean

fine? Because hello Mike and hanging up obviously doesn't mean hello Mike and

hanging up.

What does it mean?

I'm not sure.

It's my donger on my stove.

You will stay to supper, won't you, Mike?

Well, no, no. I'd love to. Of course you will, Mike. Of course you will.

Let's face it. We need all the help we can get. We're going to figure out what

Laura's up to. Come on.

I'll get it.

All right.

Typical.

Bad penny.

You didn't even let us know.

into the night.

Can I see the baby?

I'll get the wine, shall I?

No, I've got a bottle of red open here.

Is that something?

What? Is everything all right?

Yes. Why?

Yes. I just went to see if Bill was all right.

Well, who was there at the front door, then?

Wrong number.

Shall we eat?

Well, not even a letter?

No, nothing.

Oh, I did get a Christmas card.

What did that say? Merry Christmas.

Now, something to... Who's the fourth one, Paula?

Oh, habit.

Is that the baby?

Oh, I'll go. No, no, you two start.

knife and fork.

Just a minute. Don't go down. I wonder what's going on. I'm not.

It's the best I can do.

He's not ready for these anyway.

Rather appropriate, really.

He's a lovely baby.

Well, we think so.

Look at me.

You look fine.

I'm thinking about the way I'm behaving.

Oh, I don't know. Everyone's eaten beef stroganoff with a spoon and putter at

some time in their lives. You're always thinking of a broader scale.

You've come home.

That's sensible.

Only because I'm running away.

A man?

How did you get?

It's a habit of yours.

Why did you run away from this one?

Because he wanted to get married and have children.

But you ran away from Mike because he didn't. See what I mean?

You haven't got a bib I could wear, have you?

Helen!

Coming!

I'll have to go. We'll talk later. How is Mike?

Confused. Why?

Because some idiot rang him up, said hello, Mike, and then hung up.

I know Laura wanted a baby.

Yes.

I hope we've got her address in Brussels, you know, if you want to write

No, it's a bit late in the day, now.

For you, that's dead set against it. Baby, I mean.

Oh, no, it wasn't too much that. I mean, she kept on going on about having

babies, but never mentioned getting married.

As though she wanted a baby first and me second.

Well, what about you? Did you propose?

Only once. What did you say? She was asleep.

What, you didn't know she was asleep?

Oh, I did.

I was making a sort of dry run, you see.

I was trying to imagine how she'd look if she said yes or no.

And how did you imagine she'd look? I can't remember. I fell asleep while I

thinking about it.

I think I'll open another bottle.

All right, love?

Fine. Eat and supper.

What happened to the fourth plate?

Oh, I took it up with me.

Didn't give it to Bill, did you?

Of course not.

I don't know why I took it up.

Anyway, I must have left it up there. Doesn't matter.

I'll get it for you.

Doesn't matter.

It's Laura, isn't it? What is? Well, every time you get mixed up in her

you end up as crazy as she is.

She can even affect you from Brussels.

Well, it is worrying.

What is? The phone call. Oh, it's me. I'm making too much out of it. Good

heavens, it was just one phone call. All she said was, hello, Mike.

I wonder what she meant.

You've got the address. Let's find the number and phone her.

But she won't be there.

How do you know?

Well, it's a nice night.

Would you be in in Brussels on a night like this?

I've met someone like you, yeah.

Sorry, Mike, nothing... against, um... Oh, no, no, no. That's all right.

That's her life. I mean, if she's got something organised, well, good luck to

her, really.

Well, she hasn't.

Well, there you go again. You keep going on, baby.

Talking to her five minutes ago.

I think we should phone her. Tell her why.

I mean, she might be ill or something.

All right, let's phone.

Has he gone?

No.

He and Phil are currently trying to find your phone number in Brooklyn.

French -speaking couples, isn't it?

Yes, why?

Because Mike and Phil have about ten words of French between them.

They need me, really.

Sorry.

Has Mike got a girlfriend or anything?

I don't know. We haven't seen him for ages.

Laura, why did you ring him? Why do you know? I just wanted to tell him I was

coming home, and then it suddenly occurred to me that he might not care

I just said, hello, Mike, and rang him.

But he was very concerned.

That's why he came round.

Was he?

Tell him I'm all right.

How can I?

Oh,

well, tell him you phoned me.

That's what he's trying to do.

It's ringing.

Come on.

No, you speak to her. Well, you're the one she phoned.

I don't know what to say.

Try hello Laura hanging up. Make her worry.

No, there's nobody there.

Any luck?

No, we got the number, but there's no reply.

Where have you been?

Seeing if Bill was asleep.

We got the baby listener for that.

Oh, keep forgetting.

I was hungry.

You stopped the whole lot while you were saying if Bill was all right? Yes.

You've only been up there five minutes.

I'm a quick eater.

No, you're not.

Well, I am an eater.

Look, I'd better go.

No, no, mate. You stay for coffee. Well, I don't want to start a row.

I don't know what's got into Helen.

You notice she's eaten a meal with a spoon and pusher.

Laura.

I've had enough of this. Come down.

No. I'll tell.

Oh, really?

They'll have to know sooner or later.

Well, obviously, Will. I'm not ready to meet Mike yet. I don't know what to say.

He's not a stranger.

He might be now.

Look, just go down casually.

Tell him I've been up in your bedroom for the last two hours.

That's a fine start, isn't it?

Laura, go down.

outside the lavatory door for him.

That's Bill woken up now. Let me go.

What about my... Oh, not now.

I'm just off now.

No, we will.

Oh, right.

Oh, thanks for the meal. It was delicious.

Well, you know that.

You had two of them. Yes.

Well,

come to dinner again soon, Mike.

Properly, I mean. Bring someone.

Well, you have to, if there's nobody at the moment. Oh, there is somebody I can

bring. Great.

Well, somebody of the opposite sex, presumably.

He didn't mention anything at dinner.

He didn't get a chance.

We were too busy talking about your peculiar sister.

Ah. Now, I can throw some light on that, actually.

She's back.

Back?

How could you possibly know that?

This is a fine romance.