Original subtitles

Go away.

Oh, that's nice.

Leave him alone. What would have happened if your mother had tapped on

window at the last minute?

We wouldn't have had Jenny.

Did you get the... Yes, I popped in the chemist's while Bill was paying.

I got some quite interesting ones.

Oh, good, good.

Right.

What happened to trying for a baby?

Oh, we gave up on that, so Tony's gone back on the... You know.

We don't have any loo rolls in there either, by the way. What on earth's

on? You can't get them anywhere.

Probably a shortage.

Yeah, I suppose so. Bye.

Bye.

Ben?

Hello. What's going on?

I've got some toilet rolls.

What?

I've got all that stuck up.

Why? There's a shortage.

Of course there's a shortage. They're all in our...

in the papers today. It's a front page story.

Oh, yes, I did, actually.

Man in Chiswick's wife strangles him with Andrex.

It's the millennium. What?

The millennium.

There aren't going to be any toilet rolls at all. Why not?

Well, because of the computers and the millennium. But it was in the papers.

Oh, was it? Actually, I was wondering what you thought about getting a new

widescreen silly. Take it all back.

We're going to need this on December the 31st. No, we're all going to grow ten

more bottoms on the stroke of midnight.

I don't mean all of it. No, you're right. How much is there? Two van loads?

Three. Right.

That should see us through next week. Now, I'm going through to the kitchen,

when I come out again, I don't want to see any more of these. Is that clear?

Right.

So did your dad the first time.

Is that really the last of those? Yes.

And I don't want to find them perning up anywhere else.

Failed? Yeah.

So did I the first time.

Did you park it outside?

No, there's a big crane thing in the way.

Mum, I wanted to talk about the millennium. Oh, good. You're going to

Keith here?

Er, what do you mean?

Well, we'll all want to be here on such a special occasion, won't we?

Well, we were thinking we might go see some friends.

Oh, but it's probably the last time we'll all be together for ages.

Oh. Yeah, but they're friends from college.

Hey, hey, never mind about that. I was wondering what you thought about getting

the widescreen telly for the man. What the hell is that thing?

It's just a tank.

Look, cos the picture quality here is... Just a tank? What's it doing on our

patio? It's all right. The bloke with the crane's doing us a favour. Well,

him to take it away again.

But what now? here for the drought.

Oh, God.

Have you seen the papers?

On the millennium, nobody's going to get any water.

All the pipes will run dry because of the computers.

How could they? They're pipes.

Computers have nothing to do with them. Yeah, well, that's what I thought. Well,

apparently computers turn the water on and off. No, they don't. Taps do that.

Yes, but who turns on the taps?

Men. And how do the men get to work to turn on the taps? I don't know. In cars,

on the bus.

Exactly. All the traffic lights would have gone wrong because of the computer,

so they'd be stuck in traffic.

He says, can we annex the chains? Tell him to take it away again immediately.

Yes, but... Right now.

All right.

Sorry, mate.

Wipes changed our minds.

You see, the thing is, Keith sort of promised we'd be there.

Oh. Oh, you're not going to infest us? come home here instead, are you?

Oh, no, I wouldn't do that.

I'm just leaving it up to your conscience.

Oh, great.

Wow.

Don't look at it for too long.

But it's nearly all gone.

Oh, that's really, that's good.

That's really, that's good.

A good shot from the art studio.

Yes.

Shall we see what's happening on the telly? Patrick Moore looking miserable,

should think. Come on, then.

What's going on? Nothing!

What are these canisters doing?

That's an electrical generator, isn't it? What is?

Actually, I wonder what you thought about this. I am not interested in

widescreen TVs.

You've been waiting to sneak these in during the clips.

off in all today's papers.

I'm saying today's papers.

Bill, quick, can you drive me to town in your van? It's an emergency.

Right, take that thing back. Where are we going? The chemist's, right. There's

going to be a shortage of condoms.

Bill, hurry!

What did you say?

There's going to be a shortage of condoms at the Millennium. It was in the

papers. How could the Millennium cause a shortage of condoms?

Come on, isn't it obvious? Hurry up and get rid of that. No, it isn't.

tea is going to go off. You see? Bring that back down.

Well, they do when there's no heating.

So every condom in England is going to be used up that evening. It could be

months before there's any more.

Can't they just wash them? No!

No!

There'll be no water.

Yes, there will!

Hey, guess what?

Hey!

I knew you'd do it.

Now maybe I should try for my heavy goods licence. What do you reckon?

Drive a jug and all. Hurry, Bill, this is serious.

I'll need at least a month's supply.

Well, if you get one, Rona's got your first payload for you.

We just thought that, as you won't be going back again, we'd just like to say

welcome and, well, we're really pleased you've joined the family.

Yeah, welcome, Dec. We've been looking forward to it.

Well, aren't you going to say anything?

Well, it's very nice, but it's only until New Year, isn't it? Is it? No.

No, it's permanent.

You'll be living here from now on.

Yes. I mean, that's when we're all going to die.

Oh.

What?

Some old French geezer said so.

It's in the paper, look.

In the year 1999,

11 months and 31 days, there will be a... Okay.

The cataclysm.

Cataclysm? That engulfs all of mankind in a terrifying fire of doom.

Will you stop that?

What are you talking about? This was going to be a very special moment, and

that's been ruined by these stupid millennium panics.

It's all complete rubbish.

Now, I don't want to hear any more of these hideous scare stories.

Once and for all, nothing terrible is going to happen on December the 31st.

We're going to have a lovely time.

I think we have to ring up. Let's have a look.

Is there anything with a plug they wouldn't be interested in? Well,

too keen on the bath.

Too much water's unhygienic. You'd better hurry up. Haven't he got 45

Yes, well, it's rather complicated, you know.

Do you think if they show Walt Disney World, we'll see your mother and Auntie

Pearl? No, they like to keep the scary characters out of publicity shots.

It was sweet of her to invite Auntie.

I know.

She booked it up in 1978 when Dad was still alive from their premium bond

winnings. Aw.

Oh, wonderful.

Keith and I could have gone.

My gran could have stayed here with you.

No, thank you very much. It's all worked out just fine. At least I don't have to

spend the whole evening trying not to commit murder.

Hello.

Hide the scissors.

You tell us.

All righty, Tina.

Oh, and you must be dear little Declan.

Blimey, what's she on?

with his father, and there's something I've got to tell her. Oh, brilliant.

Well, I don't want it to be too much of a shock for her. Oh, thank you very

much. It's all right. She won't do anything to upset us.

Hello? This is 142 Chapstow Road, Chiswick.

There's a terrible smell of gas in the street outside.

What?

Yes, it is an emergency.

Oh, do you?

Yes, if you would.

It's rather strong.

Here we are, then.

I'll have a sherry, if anyone's asking.

Smell anything?

No, nothing.

It's very strong.

Shall I go and sniff?

No, just stay here. Our team has called the men.

They've got a team working two streets away. Isn't that lucky?

They'll be here in a matter of minutes.

Right, so panic over.

Yes.

Oh, is this your new television?

Yeah. Do you like it? No.

I think wide things are so vulgar.

I rather like them.

Here's your sherry, Aunt Tina. Oh, thanks, Jenny.

Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

Thank you, Bill.

I'm sure it doesn't taste cheap.

I'll go and do this in the kitchen.

Oh, good.

Declan, would you like... Would you like me to brush your hair?

No, but I'll brush yours if you throw it over.

Now then.

The men are here.

Oh, good.

So, what are we going to do for the millennium? Have a little sing -song?

Play some games?

Ben's just getting the digital TV switched on. Oh.

going to watch all the celebrations everywhere on the telly, have a few

and a laugh.

Lovely.

Am I on time?

Yeah, it's just coming on. Great.

I've just activated the card. It'll be on within ten seconds.

Cool.

Four, three, two, one.

cable. They haven't had to turn off the gas.

They've had to turn off the gas?

Well, they have to get to the electric cables.

Quick.

What's happened to Tony?

Found your coal.

Oh, there we are, see?

Soon be as warm as toast again.

I think it's damp anyway.

He's raving it up and we have to sit here in the cold and dark like frozen

chickens. The freezer!

Oh, it's all right. If we don't open the door, it'll last for days.

Shame. I fancied an ice cream.

Did they say how long it was going to take?

They're on quadruple Christmas millennium time. How long do you think?

Oh, great.

Oh, come on. Let's all huddle together.

Well, we've got to do something unless you've got a generator.

Don't look at me. I didn't call them out to cut through the wire.

Neither did I.

Oh, don't fuss, sis.

No, you're right.

Because the electricity and gas has been cut off by stupid cows.

I'm sorry.

Oh, right, it can't be helped.

What about the barbecue fuel? There's two bottles of that.

It's a great idea.

We could soak it in loads and loads of newspapers and... No, we've had the

burned down before, thank you.

At least we'd be warmer.

I don't know what you mean by that.

At least you've got a roof over your head.

Declan's right.

There's people who have to survive in conditions worse than this every day on

the streets.

Yeah, and they can manage without complaining.

No problem.

That's right.

What do they do?

Drink meth, mainly.

There's two bottles of barbecue fuel to go round.

I said I was sorry!

What more do you want? Shut up, team.

Oh, now, stop it, all of you.

People all over the world are going to be celebrating the millennium in 25

minutes, and I don't want everyone in this house to spend it bickering.

Bill's right. We should all try and agree.

Good.

Actually, not all over the world.

Yes, it is.

No. In some parts of the world, the millennium's over now. They've all gone

home. Yeah, that's right.

No. We have it first.

Why? Because we're British.

Don't be stupid, sis.

I'm not.

We have Greenwich Meridian at nought degrees, don't we? So everyone else must

come after us. It's in Russia. They've already had it.

Only because Yeltsin can't wait for a drink.

No, we did it in geography once. They've had it hours ago.

That's right.

Oh.

That'd make them all older than us.

Of course not. They'd be daft.

They're younger.

No, they're not. We're all the same age. Can we be if their year starts before

ours? They're younger.

No, older.

Younger. That's stupid, Ben.

Look. If two babies were born at our midnight, one in Russia and one here,

one born in Russia would have been born last year, so he'd be older.

He wouldn't have been born last year, so he'd be younger.

How could he be younger? They're both born at the same time.

Yeah, so we're all agreed that Russia is ahead of us, right? It doesn't make any

difference. Yeah, it does, because in an extreme case, one baby born at exactly

the same moment, but 360 degrees around the world... Would be here.

Yes.

But a year ago.

That's stupid.

Well, don't blame me.

I didn't work it out like that. I'd have done it differently.

How? I'd have everyone on British time.

You can't do that.

Why not?

What about in Australia?

It's been nearly midnight there now and still light.

Yes, well, of course. It's June in Australia.

How come?

Because their summer is our winter.

have it light at midnight?

Yeah, well, I wouldn't put it past them. I've already mucked up our cricket.

Oh,

not the cricket.

Yes, you played coloured pyjamas and that's for the West Indies. Will you

I'm getting travel sick. I'm going to throw up. I don't know what you've done.

Can I have a glass of water?

I'll get it.

Put your head between your knees.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

Can't even watch the stuff on your new telly. Well, what about the radio?

Oh, yeah, that runs off batteries. Where is it? Just over here. Oh, turn that

on. That'll be more cheerful.

What? Okay, Phil, it's an electricity wire. Why would they turn the water off?

Except, of course, in Chiswick, West London, where men mending an electricity

failure have come across an unidentified World War II device.

behind here.

Warning, this upholstery is not flameproof.

I'm sure it's still nice and solid.

Show me you can't get into the cellar. We could if it wasn't for 60 ,000 toilet

rolls. Yes, well, good thing too.

We'll be needing them soon.

Anyway, don't blame me. I wasn't the one who called the gas people.

I did smell something, really.

Oh, leave her alone.

We'll just have to make the best of things.

were trapped in that hurricane, you remember?

I'm hardly likely to forget the most horrible night we've ever spent.

No, the most horrible night we ever spent was when we wandered into the

of that minefield, remember?

That was horrible.

Wander into it? You did.

So did you.

Looking for you?

But I agree, it was definitely the most horrible night we've ever spent.

Other than when we got trapped by those escaped cobras.

Oh, that was really horrible.

And when I got my head stuck in the cat flap and you were hooked up on the light

fitting in your wedding dress.

What about when you got stuck on Oriana when it failed and had to hide in my

cabin? That wasn't funny.

No, it wasn't.

What about when we accidentally got connected to Bill Clinton's computer?

Oh, yes, that was really horrible.

Oh, it was horrible when Dad brought home that live pig for Christmas dinner.

Then I just brought past the pig.

Oh, I'm sorry, Declan. You're probably wondering just what sort of a... You've

joined. I don't care.

I've never spent New Year's with a family before.

I don't really care what we're doing. It's just nice to be with people.

Even her.

That's so sweet.

Two minutes to go.

Well, I never imagined I'd be seeing out the century like this.

You admit you were wrong then?

What? You admit you were wrong?

When? All those things you poo -pooed. Poo -pooed? All those things you said

were millennium panics.

The electricity has gone off. The gas has gone off. The water has gone off.

we're going to die. No, we are not.

You said all those things were nonsense.

That's right.

Every one of those things has come true.

No, they haven't. What about the supposed shortage of condoms? That

true, has it?

Not a shortage.

Well, then, what do you mean?

Not actually a shortage.

More of a failure.

What do you mean, a failure?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't like to say.

I'm afraid the lime flavour wasn't quite as good as the others in the packet.

It's the same with root pastels.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to be completely sure.

I did the test for the third time this afternoon.

There's no doubt about it.

I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?

After all that, and you're pregnant by accident?

I know.

We were trying for so long, I suppose eventually you just have to get unlucky.

So, what do you think?

Well... That's wonderful.

Rona, I can't believe it.

Neither can I.

I'm going to be a father.

Oh, no.

Congrats, Rona.

And Tony.

It's all downhill from now on, mate.

So what are you going to call it? Oh, I don't know.

Harry Lime?

I haven't even got used to the idea yet.

Oh, that's all so lovely.

I wish I could... suddenly find out something exciting about myself like

You're Jewish.

What? Uncle Lorne turned up, showed me some family photos.

Mum was Jewish, so we are.

But I don't look Jewish.

Who does?

Any other revelations while we're here?

I've got a tattoo.

Oh, my God!

Do you want to see it? Yeah!

Who possessed you to do that?

Oh, leave him alone. He's old enough to drive. He's old enough to permanently

disfigure himself.

I had bacon this morning. I'll go to hell.

It's all right for you. You're a girl. I might have to have a, you know... Oh,

my God!

Has anyone else got anything to reveal?

Mum, if you tell me you and Keith are married, I'm going to throw myself on

bomb!

bottles of champagne to celebrate the millennium and you call me names.

Didn't you see the bomb disposal men outside?

Oh, they're just packing up to leave. Leave?

Yeah, didn't you hear them announce it was only a bombshell?

We've had a few bombshells of our own. It's only a little one. The electric men

are back.

Well, I know it's supposed to be a dark -haired man coming in with one bit of

coal, but... Yeah, I've done that.

Well, isn't somebody going to kiss me?

Well, why not? Happy new millennium.

Now hand over the booze.

Can I have some?

No. Oh, go on, just a dribble.

Oh, all right.

Thanks. I haven't got any.

Cheers, everyone.

Cheers!

What? That none of this would have happened if it hadn't been for Tina

out the gas company.

No, we're not.

But if you think about it, she only did it for us because she wanted to do the

right thing, to keep us safe at a time we all wanted to be together.

And whatever kind of evening we've had, we have all been together, and that's

the main thing.

So, here's to us, supporters, friends...

..and family.

Cheers. Cheers!

And let's hope the next thousand years are better.

Blimey, what's that horrible smell?

Eh?

Oh, it's coming from the...

millennium. I'm sure you'll all have a million laughs.

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