Original subtitles

Actually, I don't live here.

I'm a social worker.

We're ready for you now.

Well, I expect you're all on tenterhooks to hear what I have to say about

Declan. So I'll try to get to the point as quick as I can.

Thank you.

Only we find people get quite nervous when they know we've been investigating

their family backgrounds in case we find out something terrible about them.

I mean, it's not every family that when I meet them for the first time they seem

to be a coven of psychopathic devil worshippers the way you did.

But I'm glad we cleared up the misunderstandings when we did because...

As you know, we like our foster families to have certain qualities.

Loving.

But with a certain amount of discipline.

And above all, stable and reliable.

So I'm glad to tell you that as a result of our inquiries, we find you eminently

suitable. And I see no reason why Declan shouldn't be joining you permanently as

soon as we can make arrangements. Wonderful news!

Right.

Inquiries?

I expect you all feel rather relieved.

Yes, we do.

So, is that it?

Well, there are one or two things to be tied up, but, well, they just require

confirmation. If it's all right with you, I'll come back first thing in the

morning to go through those.

Oh, yes, yes, that's fine. I just wanted to put you out of your misery.

We're thrilled, aren't we? Yeah, but... I'm so pleased.

Well, goodbye for now.

Bye. Bye -bye.

See ya.

Oh, thank God for that. I couldn't have kept that smile up for a second longer.

It was like being in an episode of Friends.

We're here for you.

No, no, no. It's more like a Twilight Zone film. You know, the dickly family

horror. I've been waiting to fart for 15 minutes.

Like you never do it, Miss Flatulent. I do not.

Yeah, you do. You just do it quietly, then blame it on Harry. Mum!

Be quiet or I'll kill you both. Where's the air freshener? Doesn't your gallon

of cheapo perking drown it out? It's CK1.

Smells more like WD -40.

Nobody said anything to me about investigating our family backgrounds.

And what was this for?

Well, I thought it might make me look more fatherly.

Oh!

I'm trying to make...

Sit for humans.

You never worry what gets into your college bedroom.

Oh, David Potter, I hate you!

Stop it! Stop it! Yeah, well, they can just keep their big noses out of my

family background because... No!

Sorry,

I forgot to say it earlier.

When we were investigating your family background, something came up. Oh?

When we...

To your uncle.

He asked if we'd give you his number.

Dad doesn't have an uncle.

His dad had a sister, Auntie Ruby.

Her and her husband brought Dad up. Oh, yes, that's right.

But this is your mother's brother.

I'm afraid we couldn't trace your mother.

No, we don't talk about her.

We think she went abroad.

Thank you.

Well, I'll see you bright and early.

I'm sure they didn't mean to pry.

They just check as a matter of course.

Oh, Harry!

Who do you think you're fooling?

He's not here.

I think you'd better find him.

Don't want him getting out loose again.

Oh, right.

I'll do downstairs.

Harry? You outside?

Never even knew I had an uncle.

Well, you have.

Shall we give him a ring?

No.

Well, obviously he wants you to.

Yeah, well, why didn't he ring me? I mean, he's only had for 40 years.

Did your mum ever mention anything about her brother?

Well, how would I know? I was three when she left.

Well, that'll be it, then.

Probably didn't know where you were.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Just do us a favour, will you? Put it somewhere else, you know?

Oh, maybe I'll give it a ring this time.

Is this his name?

Who knows?

What is it, Croatian or something?

Bill, can you just put it away somewhere, yeah?

Right.

All right, I can see you're not going to stop nagging until I do ring it.

Perhaps now I can get a bit of peace.

No reply.

Should have known.

Look, just leave me alone, yeah? I'll be all right.

Oh!

I am Death, the destroyer of worlds.

I think it's for you.

Eh?

Who's in there?

Carol Haldeman. She's in everything.

Oh, ha, ha, ha.

You said I could borrow the van to get to Shoreditch. Yeah, but I didn't know

you were going to be driving around dressed up like that. What are you

I'm going round old people's homes, touting for business.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're always on about Halloween.

What's up with you tonight?

Oh, nothing here.

Thanks. Make sure you're back by midnight.

Why? What happens then?

You change back into a short -arsed plumber's mate.

I have got a scythe, you know. Yes, have a...

He's down in the cellar in the corner behind a box. He just won't come out.

Look, just let me do it.

Harry!

Squeaky nun!

Shall I get out, Mr Floppy? That usually works for me.

It's no good.

You won't budge.

He looked as if he might come out, but when you shouted, he went back. Me?

Have you frightened him somehow? No.

Ben,

that was your uncle's home help. They dialed 1471.

Home help?

He's not in the best of health.

Oh? She said it might be wise to come as soon as possible.

Why?

I've been waiting for a new distributor cab to arrive from Detroit.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, I've managed to get a minicab. It wasn't easy on Halloween.

Right.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Why does hair grow everywhere except where you want it to? You look fine, I

you. It's even sprouting out of my ears now.

I don't care what you look like. I suppose not.

You need a coat. It's still pouring down.

I said it was going to be fine.

It'll be here any minute.

All right, I'm ready.

Hello. Are you off?

Yeah. Keith will be wondering where I've got to.

I can just make it back for the evening.

Thanks for coming back for that. Ah, that's all right.

We want them to think we're OK, don't we?

Bye, Dad.

Bye. What is it? Halloween disco?

That's right. A disco.

And I'll be going with John Travolta and two of the Bee Gees.

Give me five minutes alone with Keith and I can make him sing in that voice.

Have a nice time.

Thanks.

Um, do you have a nice time too?

Well, you know what I mean.

Bye then. Bye.

Oh, that'll be the cab. Will you tell him we're coming?

Will do.

Come on then.

Bill, I'm not sure about this. I mean, I hardly know the bloke.

He's your uncle.

Yeah, but... What?

Well, why did that social worker say she'd have to come back? I mean, what

they found out about me?

You heard her. She's just waiting for final confirmation.

Yeah, but what do they know that we don't? Nothing.

Oh,

I don't know.

I know nothing about him, you know.

I mean, he could be... anything.

Perhaps we'd better just leave it, eh? Oh, for goodness sake, stop being so

I mean, what is there to be afraid of?

What number was it again?

Er... 400.

This is it.

Oh, good.

I was dreading it being somewhere really depressing.

Well, aren't you going to drive us to the door?

The gates are padlocked.

How much is that?

£19 .40.

Here you are.

Sorry, I've got a fare in ten minutes.

Yes, but... Oh, no!

Shall we just go home?

No!

There's a house just up here. Must be the keeper's coffee. Come on and we'll

get... Don't!

Why do they always say that?

Keeper's house? That's right. You'll be the people who've come to see him.

The cemetery keeper?

Is it you I spoke to on the phone? Yes, come in.

Oh, right. Thanks.

Oh, do take off your coats.

Right, thanks.

Oh.

You're the nephew, aren't you?

How did you know?

Well, I've seen your picture often enough.

Picture? Yes, it's that.

Oh.

Did you know they found him undressed in the middle of the cemetery in the

pouring rain?

Quite honestly, it's lucky he didn't catch his death running a fever of 102.

Still, I think we've caught the bronchitis in time. Now, I've put him to

He's not had his pill yet. And the night nest will be here in a little while.

Where are you going?

On to the next one. I've got three more to undress.

Yeah, but... I'll be thrilled to see you.

Bye, then.

Bye.

Must like Alsatians. I suppose he's got one.

No, if he had it, it'd probably be a throat spiner. Oh, stop it.

Why are we whispering?

Well, we don't want to scare the life out of him. Oh, heaven forbid.

Go and open the curtains.

Why?

Because there might be a streetlight.

In the middle of a cemetery.

Oh, right.

I'll do it. You go round there and wake him up gently.

All right.

I've terrified him. I've terrified him. No!

It's all right.

It will come in. No, it's stopped now, look.

No!

Look, no rain now, see?

Nothing on my hand but the moonlight.

Oh, please, no.

Close the curtains.

All right.

I can't see a thing.

Oh, hang on, I think there's a little light here.

There.

I'm his wife, Bill.

Right, well, it was nice to meet you. We'll be off now, then. Where are you

going? Well, you heard what your home help said.

He needs his rest. We'll come back some other time. Bye -bye.

Ben.

Yeah?

Little Ben.

Yeah.

I have picture.

I have picture.

Oh, is this what you mean?

Big Ben now.

Insulted by a fever -crazed geriatric. Shush.

Oh, look what you've done.

Please, please.

This is what you want?

You want this?

All right. Better now.

Ben.

Come here.

He's not going to grab me again, is he? Go on.

I am your uncle.

Lon.

Uncle Lon.

Hello.

You have the eyes of your mother.

Where is she? Is she still alive?

I don't know.

I have not seen her for very long.

Me neither.

Something to give you very important.

Oh, yeah? You must know your history. Know everything.

What do you mean, history?

Open the box.

Open the box.

I'd rather take the money.

The box!

What box? The box, box!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right. I think we got the box.

Pass down to the male of the family.

Time for you to know. I think he means this.

Yeah? Uncle Lon, is this the box?

Uncle Lon?

Uncle Lon?

No, he's just dropped off. Uncle Lon!

Wake up! Uncle Lon! Hello?

Is this the book?

It's locked.

Wake up!

Did you give him one of these?

Yes, he seemed to want one. Why?

There is sleeping pills.

What? There he's out for the count, isn't he? Oh, no. Uncle Lon, I'm sorry.

Great. I'll finally find someone who can tell me about my past and you drug him

up. I didn't mean...

Now we've got to sit here watching him snore until the nurse comes.

Well, that's all right, isn't it? He probably knows you're here.

I expect it'll help him to get better.

When he does, he can tell us properly.

Hmm. I suppose.

Is it still raining?

Ah, stop now. That wind's blown all them clouds away.

Oh, dear me.

And to think I was worried about air spreading out my ears.

Stop it!

Do you think I'm going to end up looking like him?

Why should you? Well, it's my uncle.

I don't look like my uncle.

You look like your Aunt Annie.

I don't. You do.

She's a hag.

You don't look the same. You just look like she would have done at your age.

Oh.

Good. You will look like her eventually, obviously.

Oh, thank you.

Well, it's inevitable, isn't it? It's passed down through the family.

That's what he said.

Yes, but he didn't mean anything like that. No, he said, passed down...

Through the males in the family. Oh, my God, I'm a haemophiliac. No, you're not.

You'd know by now.

Why? What is it?

It's something you've never had or likely to get.

You can't stop bleeding.

I am a heavy bleeder! You're a silly one. It's nothing like that. Calm down.

What could it be, then?

Well, probably just heart disease.

Heart disease?

Yeah. Lots of people have it in their families. If you had it, you'd want to

know about it. No, I wouldn't.

Well, what else can he have meant?

I don't know.

Oh, that'll be the nurse.

Ah!

Hello.

Run now. David caught me as I was coming in. He said you might be needing a lift

back. Thank goodness. Come in.

It's taken me five minutes to get up that drive.

Good thing it's stopped raining.

Oh, how's it going?

The uncle's asleep for the night. We've got to wait for the nurse.

That can't look good on the other side of the wall.

What are you doing?

Forcing this open.

Stop it!

Don't you see? It's all in the box.

What is?

What Uncle Long got me here for tonight. What he wanted to warn me about. The

curse of the porters.

He didn't say anything about a curse. Yes, he did. And look what happened to

him. He ended up naked in the cemetery in the middle of the night. He had an

infection. He was delirious. No, it wasn't. It was the curse. He said so. I

don't want to hear any more about this nonsense.

What did he say the curse was?

There is no curse. That's not what he said.

He said it was passed on by the males in the family.

What is?

We don't know.

That's all he got out before someone slipped him a Mogadon. It was his time

it. Now, can we forget about this stupid curse?

Ah, so you admit there is one? No, I...

If something is passed on through the mail, that means David could get it as

well. Shouldn't you try and find out what it is?

Oh.

Oh, now will you let me open the box?

Oh, well, perhaps it wouldn't do any harm to have a quick...

Thank goodness.

Nothing but an old photograph of another dog. Dog?

Yeah, look.

It's got some writing on the back.

Like... Lupus Humana.

Oh, well, there you are, Lupus. See?

No.

I forgot they didn't make you do Latin at school.

Lupus! It's not a dog, it's a wolf.

And Humana?

Well, that usually means human, but I don't see what that's got to do with it.

They found him outside?

At night?

Naked? Yes.

It's passed on by the males in the family?

Wolf?

Human?

Don't you see?

No. He's a werewolf!

Don't be ridiculous!

Oh, come on, Ben! How could he be?

I'm trying to say something.

Boy. Good boy.

Probably start howling soon if we are not careful.

What? It's the moon that starts you off, boy.

Uncle Don, what do you mean, what boy?

My God.

That means I'm a werewolf too.

No, you're not.

Well, how do you know?

Because there's no such thing.

Are you sure?

Of course. I'm sure.

Then why did Uncle Lon make me draw the curtains about against the moonlight?

That's what starts off the changing, you know. The light of the full moon.

He's right, Bill. I saw the Hammer film with Oliver Reed.

You went to a film with Oliver Reed?

No, no, he was in it.

But it was when the moon came out that he got all snarling and subhuman.

Admittedly, he got like that after five drinks anyway.

Yeah, but he was still quite sexy.

I thought so too, even when he got fat.

I quite liked him when he was fat. Will you shut up about...

Not unless you go out into the moonlight. That's what happens with

He's not a werewolf. Oh, that's easy for you to say. All right, you are a

werewolf. It's a terrible disease that's passed down through the men in the

family. Why have you never turned into a wolf before?

But perhaps it only happens at certain times of the year, like the cricket

season. Yes, it only happens at special times.

Well, even if this was the special season, Ben was out in the moonlight

nothing happened. Yes, but the clouds hit the moon then. They've gone away

Yes, but... Don't open the curtains, you lady!

He may be right, Bill. His uncle's very hairy.

All right, there's one thing that would convince me.

What? Earlier on, you stuck your hand out of the window and said there was

nothing on it but moonlight.

Oh, my God, so I did. Right, let's see your hand then. See if it's hairy, and

it is... What is

that? I told you, it's starting already.

a moment.

If I stay out of the moonlight, I should be all right.

This is impossible.

Oh, no.

Rona, when you saw David tonight, did he say he was going out?

No.

Don't worry. He said he was going to go up to his bedroom early.

Then look for UFOs through the skylight.

Skylight? Oh, no!

Quick.

We may not have much time.

Whatever you do, nurse, keep the curtains closed.

We might just be in time.

It's ridiculous!

Come faster!

How's that been up here?

So that's everything, then. And Declan will be joining you as soon as we can

make arrangements. Thank you. Not at all. I just hope you didn't find the

too nerve -wracking. Not at all.

Oh, no.

Bye. Bye.

Well, it was the mongrel from round the corner. The woman said thanks.

Oh, never mind, Harry.

Not every dog's a hero.

Fat lot of use he is, keeping stray dogs out of the house.

Could have saved us a lot of trouble.

And speaking of saving us trouble, brings me to this.

Ah, yes, well, that was just an unavoidable misunderstanding.

What is it? Nothing.

Galp gain 99.

Maximum strength genetically engineered hair lotion. Do not exceed the stated

amount. Always use the rubber gloves provided to apply to the head.

Registration Bureau.

Well, it looked good on the internet. Usually you need a special prescription

for that stuff.

Because it can grow hair on your palms.

Well, at least we know it works.

And your uncle's home help phone first thing. He's feeling much better today.

Oh, is he?

Did she say anything else?

Yeah, she did. She said he was a pedigree malamute breeder for 30 years.

Malamute? Yeah, you know, them big dogs look like wolves.

Winning crust.

in 1952 with his supreme champion, Lupus Humana, a picture of which he keeps

locked away.

A dog was what he was talking about when he was asleep.

Yeah, well, that's what I suspected all along.

It's just some harmless old geezer.

Well, now's your chance to find out.

Gran, she never told me. I thought he could tell you himself.

Come in, Uncle Lon, into the warmth.

Don't worry, we'll get him back safely. Gran, when he woke up this morning, he

was so happy.

Bye. Bye.

This is for you.

What is it? The real box he was trying to tell you about last night. The one

that's passed down through the mails of the family.

Now you will find out your history.

Go on, open it.

Hold on. Yes, you can.

Look. Oh, look.

Here's me.

And there's me with your... There's me with your other grandma.

Never seen her before.

She looks nice.

Yes, she is with... Great -grandma and grandpa.

Never even heard of them.

Oh, look at them.

So now you know. There's no horrible secrets in your family.

Just a lot of people you haven't got to know yet.

Thanks, Uncle.

And I'm sorry I haven't seen you for so long.

Are you going to kiss me?

No.

Good, I hardly know you.

So now when Declan comes, you can show him your mum as well.

Yeah. Oh, look, here's some more. Look.

Oh, look, here she is with some old geezers.

Here she is with some old biddies. Uncle Lon's right.

I am going to find out about my family history.

Yes!

Oh, look.

There she is with the rabbi.

The rabbi?

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