Original subtitles

Here you are.

Thanks. We could cut down on the sandwich fillings. How?

Well, instead of cheese and cucumber, we could leave out the cheese.

Or instead of egg mayonnaise, we could leave out the egg.

And instead of a BLT, we could leave out the L.

What do we call it? A BT?

All right, a TB.

Right, that's not any better, but you see my idea?

Even if we swap the salmon for kitty cat, they're still going to underbid us.

How do they do it at that price? We're hardly making any profit.

Bulk buying.

What? Well, they're a big firm. They can dictate the price of things.

It's those despicable practices that's driving us honest businessmen to the

wall.

Well, then, I've no more ideas.

Well, I don't see why she's got her knickers in a twist.

She was an elderly spinster. She took offence.

All I said was every old boiler needs a good rodding once in a while.

You didn't have to do the actions and... Try off it if she was gagging for it.

Usual place, Sean. What do you want?

What, to eat in here every day? A lobotomy.

No, we stopped doing that Italian food. There was no demand.

Well, anyway, you... What are you doing in here?

I'm having a cup of tea. What do you mean?

Well, you can't come in here. It's a haven.

What? A retreat for the weary toilet to escape his workaday chores and worries.

What do you mean? I don't want the toilet. I toil.

What? Standing around, eating Kit Kats and shouting, hurry up, Christine.

Good work as well, you know.

I didn't mean that. I mean, no offence.

Men's work.

You do understand.

Oh, yes, of course. I was just going to, no offence, get this spoon nice and hot

and stick it up your nose.

Please, you know.

If you keep coming in here, I'll get embarrassed.

Oh, stop tormenting him.

We were just delivering the cakes and Sean warned us that we're being underbid

for that big civil service party we're after.

I had a tip -off.

Told you to be more careful with that bacon slicer.

Well,

anyway, can't you just underbid, then? How? We're operating on a bare minimum,

as it is.

What's the most expensive thing?

Well, wine, obviously.

Well, there you are, then. Do a white van job.

Oh, yeah, a white van job.

Brilliant. Yeah, white van job, see?

White van job.

Oh, Gordon Brown, don't you know anything?

But what is it?

Well, obviously, the first thing you need is a white van.

Which we've got. Yeah, and then you drive down to the Channel Tunnel, go

to Talley, start cheap, fill up with booze, half the price, back by tea time.

And this is legal?

Yes!

Well, as long as you say it's all for your own consumption.

My brother's thinking of doing it with a white removal bag.

It's not for our own consumption.

Yes, but you say it is.

But it isn't. All right, how many bottles do you need?

I don't know, 150?

Well, how do they know you're not having a party?

That's true.

But it's not right.

You really need this job, Bill.

Oh, go on. No.

Everybody does it.

Oh, that's your argument, is it? Everybody does it. Everybody lies about

tax. Everybody parts on double yellow lines. Everybody buys pirate videos.

Everybody's on every conceivable fiddle known to man.

Everybody lies about their age. Yes, we weren't talking about that.

Sorry.

Well, I'm not everybody, and I'm not going to buy cheap wine from France just

because everybody else does. And do you know why?

Because I want to sleep easy at night. That's why.

It was just a thought.

I need to get this job.

Cheaper in France.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

I'm not going to get the wine in France.

Why not?

Because it...

Who are you? Who do you think?

Well, I'm dreaming.

You could be anybody.

I'll give you a clue.

Do you recognise this?

I hope that's your tail.

Of course it's my tail.

And... Now you're... That's right.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be spreading misery throughout the land?

That's all right.

Jonathan Ross is on.

Anyway... of demons for that sort of thing.

I've come here to save you a lot of trouble.

What? You know going to France is a good idea.

Yes, but it's wrong.

Why is it wrong?

Because it's cheaper there.

Shouldn't be, should it?

No.

But it's putting people out of jobs.

They're too greedy. They deserve it.

Stop it. You're trying to tempt me.

But he's right, you know.

Well, I'm just here to help. You can't say I'm trying to tempt you.

Where are your wings?

I'm a dry cleaner.

Do you know, if we did this, we'd be doing good.

How?

Those people who underbid us are just trying to put small caterers like us out

of business.

Then when we are, they'll charge what they like.

Oh, yes.

I hadn't thought of that. She's right. Listen to her. Shut up, you.

And we could charge less than their bid, which would benefit our customers.

That's true.

So, you're convinced?

I don't know.

I need to think more.

Oi! Can you get a move on, my friend? I've got millions of tortured souls to

poke and I've only got one pitchfork.

She's making her mind up. Well, tell her to hurry up.

a former director general of the BBC, into the fiery pits of damnation.

Come on, Bill.

You know it's the right thing, really. You know you want to do it.

Look, that's your tail.

There you go.

What's that?

Porridge. We lived in a squat. We had sausage every day.

You also had the same underwear every day.

Right.

You're not to eat them before one o 'clock.

We might get hungry.

Have some porridge.

Are we back by seven o 'clock for tea?

Seven o 'clock?

Dad, what's the French for a quick snog? You're not going?

Mum, don't you need help with the wine? Your mother has decreed that we have to

clean out the cellar. What?

It'll be fun.

What is this, Mary Poppins?

Go blimey, Morrie, it's a jolly holiday and I'm a stoic.

That was worse than he was.

Do you want a van keys, Bill?

Bill?

Declan, could you put the kettle on? Anything to stop eating this.

It's from social services.

They'll be coming round soon to tell us if we can have Declan full time. Right.

If is what it says. What if they find out I'm bringing illegal booze back from

France? Well, they'll probably do it themselves.

Everybody does it.

Shall I eat this, or does the cellar need some holes filling in?

That'll be Rona. You've got to be at the tunnel by 10 .40.

Bonjour. Got your passport?

Yes, you've asked me that a hundred times. Oh, come on, then.

Bye, Ben. Bye.

I'm still not completely sure about this. What is there to worry about? It's

the Italian job.

All you have to do is say... Say we're having a party, I know. Yeah, right.

Bye. Bye.

Promise me you'll do something useful while I'm gone.

You can trust us.

We will be embarking on our journey shortly.

Please switch off your engines and ensure that all windows are open. Thank

Why do we have to wind down the window?

I don't know. Maybe it's the fire regulator.

Oh, my God! What? We're moving!

Rona, we're on a train. Of course we're moving.

Oh, yes.

I forgot.

Just calm down.

I'm sorry. It's just that... What?

Nothing. You're thinking what I'm thinking, aren't you?

Yes.

What are you thinking?

That because you're not being entirely honest, something's going to happen to

us.

No, I'm not.

You said you were.

But I didn't know what you were thinking.

What were you thinking?

That because we're doing something wrong, we're bound to be punished.

That is the same.

Oh, yeah, I suppose it is.

Why are you both thinking that?

Guilt. I went to a convent school, remember?

What about you?

I'm just guilty naturally.

I don't know why I'm thinking that. Stupid, really.

I mean, what can happen?

Oh, no, someone's coming.

Hello. Hi.

Where has she gone?

Well, I do now.

Just stop it. It's completely silly.

We haven't even done anything yet and nothing's going to happen to us. Agreed?

I suppose so.

So that's it then.

Let's just forget all about this stupid guilt thing.

Got my first eagle with his three -iron.

What do you do? Burrow to death?

Now what?

Well, now all we have to do is get rid of all the useless stuff that we don't

need anymore.

Now we're in France, where do we go?

I think it might be that way.

You start.

No, you start. It's mostly your stuff.

All right.

How about this?

Well, that's mine.

No, it isn't. You bought it for me. Yeah, but you never used it and you gave

to me.

You never used it either.

Yes, I did. When? I used it in Cornwall. I used it every day.

When you did the ironing?

In the sea.

Using it means you get on top of it, not underneath it.

Yeah, well, the waves aren't any good here. Yeah, I'm saving this.

For when we go to Hawaii.

Well, what else?

What about that?

That's my old buckaroo.

We don't use it anymore.

Still buck.

Yeah, but we lost all the bits you hang on it, remember?

Nah, we manage without and we improvise, remember?

See? Can't do that.

Why not?

Well, it's not the same when you hang old lady's jewellery on it, is it? I

it's supposed to be a rugged miner's pack mule, not Julian Cleary's camp

We could go to boot sales.

There must be someone who still has all the rucksacks and things, but the

spring's gone on their bucker.

Right. Keep that. Right.

How much longer?

I know.

Why don't we get rid of Jenny's collection of dead Barbies? Oh, no, not

Barbies. What's that?

Killed them all when we were both kids.

See?

Headless Barbie.

Shark Attack Barbie.

Electric Chair Barbie.

And, uh, Margaret Thatcher Barbie.

Rejoice.

I left that in my room once. It's frightened the life out of me.

We must be able to get rid of all these. She always hated them. Well, I don't

know. Women are very funny about old things they like to keep.

Is that why Mum keeps you?

Don't say.

What have you got there?

Old photos.

Let's have a look.

Oh, that's just old family photos.

Cousins and aunts and that. We had to get our pictures taken with. Any more of

that? Yeah, there's some in the envelope.

At last, something we can get rid of.

That's all our old birthday cards from years ago.

Great, fantastic.

Now we're really getting somewhere.

When your mum gets back, she'll be over the moon.

Well, come on. 150 francs a dozen. That's a miracle.

Look, there's another of those little French dogs.

I didn't think she looked that bad.

I've seen since we've been over here. They all seem to have them in France.

I wonder why.

They're probably 150 francs a dozen.

Look, here's another one.

Hello.

Careful.

They've still got rabies here, you know. They're so miserable.

Looks just like one a boy's own. Better.

Right, let's load up and it's just time to get some food before we get the

shuttle back.

Lord, I'm just starving.

Well, that seemed very simple.

You're not quite surprised, actually. I don't feel guilty at all.

Why should we feel guilty?

We shouldn't. There's no reason on earth why we should feel in the least bit

guilty about who's that man. Where?

Rona, that is a man from the Salvation Army. He's got a mini -busload of

pensioners back there.

Oh, my goodness.

I thought you said you didn't feel guilty.

I don't.

Good. I just never have been able to say the wrong thing to a man in a uniform.

Yes, we have noticed.

When they question me,

I'd never be able to say we were having a party if one of them asked us.

Something to do with being taught by nuns and priests.

Hang on.

my side now. Where?

Oh, no. I recognise that outfit.

What? It's the pump.

He's taken a job with customers.

Well, you were the one who wanted to do this. I can't help it. I just can't tell

lies. You say, calm down. Good afternoon.

Sorry. Did I startle you?

No, not at all.

Do you want to look inside?

Is this your first trip?

Yes. That won't be necessary.

We like to keep an eye on vehicles that come over again and again.

We've never been before.

What are you looking for?

Illegal asylum seekers?

Yes. Then there's the joker who brings in animals.

Animals? Yeah.

Stupid idea.

One gets free, bites someone, passes on rabies, somebody dies.

You're looking at a prison sentence for one moment of stupidity.

Terrible. Yeah. People are stupid.

Well, let's get up.

Would you be all right?

Ladies and gentlemen, in five minutes, we will be arriving at our terminal in

the United Kingdom.

Please return to your vehicles in good time and await disembarkation, making

sure all windows remain open until you have left the train.

Thank you.

Still hungry?

You can't be. You had that whole handbaguette in the car park.

Something happened to it.

Rona?

It was so sweet.

It felt terribly thin.

What did?

The little dog.

It came up to the van when you went to the loo. It must have been hungry. It

absolutely wolfed it down.

Where was its owner?

Oh, I don't know. It didn't have a collar.

Oh, can't I have some of the cheese we got? Just a little bit. I'm starving.

Oh, I suppose so.

I'll get it. No, it's all right. I'll get it. I know just where I put it.

this already?

No. Well, it wasn't like this when I paid for it. It must have crumbled in

bag.

Why has it got teeth marks?

They do look like teeth marks.

I knew we shouldn't have trusted that man with the moustache.

He must have witch -cheated on us.

Witch -cheated? Well, what else could it be? You've been surreptitiously

nibbling it. That hasn't happened. You must have nibbled it. Why would I nibble

it?

Now somebody's been chewing it.

Get another one.

Rona?

What? This little dog you fed, what was it like?

I fed it. I didn't have a date with it.

What breed was it?

I don't know. It was one of those little... What do you call them?

accident. Do you want to tell him? No.

Anyway, it didn't look ill.

Just a bit thin.

French.

That'll sound very good in court if it bites someone.

Can you tell him? No. He'll want to look inside the van then he'll ask what the

booze is for. No.

Leave it alone. There's only one thing to do. What? We'll have to go straight

back through the tunnel to France and let it out before anyone sees it.

When has that been opened?

And prepare to disembark.

Mesdames et messieurs, nous arriverons � notre terminal au Royaume -Uni dans

cinq minutes. What are we going to do?

Why didn't you tell me?

Any

more

baby clothes?

No, that's it.

Right, well, that's a job well done.

Now we've got room for all this important stuff.

Shall I start putting it back?

Yeah, we'll take all this down to the tip.

Where's Declan?

I don't know. He was here a minute ago.

We'll put this in the car. Go and find him.

Right.

Declan! Get out!

Quickly, so round the other side.

Now, when I say, bang as loudly as you can on your door and I'll open mine.

Okay?

What about?

Nothing.

Well, it doesn't look like it.

That's stuff you chucked. Oh, that's just old family stuff. We don't need

I don't even have a picture of my mum.

They can't find her.

Oh, no.

She couldn't find my dad, whoever he was.

Wow.

That happens sometimes.

Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say.

No, it isn't.

my mum is either.

What?

Oh, my dad. He was a bit of a wanderer.

Went off with somebody from Canada when I was so high.

My mum couldn't cope. She'd done me off with some relatives.

I never saw her again.

Every time a door went out, I used to think, she's come to see me.

But it never was.

After a while, I stopped thinking that.

I started to hate her.

When I grew up, I realised I never really did appreciate the people who did

raise me.

I don't know what I'd have done without them.

It's all right, mate. It's all right. It's OK.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Better now?

There's one thing.

What? If you throw that stuff away, Bill will kill you.

You already think so?

She needs to keep it. What are you, stupid?

Yeah, quite often.

You've got a lot to learn, haven't you?

Probably.

She's always been a sensible one.

I'm getting to quite like it in here.

Well, anyway, everything turned out all right in the end. How?

We had to buy another ticket, go all the way back and come all the way back

again. But we'll still be quits then. I told you everything would be all right.

Then we had to park in that field, throw away all the cheese and leave the van

open for an hour to get rid of the fox smell.

That was all right. We had a nice nap.

Yes, but we didn't really go all the way... Hello again.

Oh, hello.

Didn't I see you earlier on?

Yes, we had to go back for something.

Can I just take a quick look inside?

Of course.

Shut up, just relax.

Nothing much.

Just a few things we got in Calais.

We're having a party.

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