Original subtitles

Are you sure these are safe? Well, of course they're safe.

Solid as a rock.

It's all right. It's not structural.

Well, go on, then.

There's heavy stuff in this box. Yes, well, I've been up and down them all

morning with your bed and things.

Oh.

Satisfied? Yeah, but Maxine warned me to be careful. Oh, yes, the goth

girlfriend. What is she, psychic?

Yes, she is.

Oh, yeah, right. Well, come on, David. I mean, since when have we ever been

worried about... Oh, no, Steve!

Did you damage anything?

A couple of these don't feel too wonderful.

I meant my favourite lunchbox. Did I?

Sounds like a bodge up to me.

Do you need to wash your face?

Nobody needs to wash their face. Well, the bathroom's in there.

Yeah, I remember.

No, no, no, this way.

We thought you might like to have David's old room.

There's still some of his stuff in there, but he's taking it upstairs.

Then it'll be all yours.

Right. That's right.

Well, aren't you going to have a look? Can I have pictures up? Of course.

Can I have a look on the inside?

No. Oh, that's cruelty!

Can I finish this later?

Oh, I suppose so.

He's just coming out.

Well, will it do?

It's somebody's idea of a sick joke.

Ah, yes. A special present from Aunty Tina.

It's horrible.

That's right, but if you wet it and rub it on your face a lot of times, the

stitching might wear off. Ah, very clever.

Isn't it?

Ben?

Oh, I just didn't nail down one of the boards properly.

It's dangerous.

That's all right. Put a rug over it.

What? No, I'm only kidding.

I'll get Christine to bring some plaster when she comes tomorrow. I'm thirsty.

Oh, there's some orange juice in there.

You didn't let Declan upstairs near that hole, did you? Don't worry. I warned

him not to.

Good. Now, I want you to remember, Declan is not to be exposed to anything

or weird this weekend.

Well, he's come to the wrong family.

What? There had to be none of your plans or ideas.

I don't have ideas.

Well, I did think we might go to the dry ski slope this weekend and try to...

No! We can make our own skis out of old skateboards.

No!

Keep away from your strange things. What strange things?

The death masks you made at art class.

The aftershave bottles relabelled arsenic and strychnine.

Your friends' video.

If you say so.

Remember. He's had a very unstable life so far, so he needs to have proper food,

be encouraged to do his homework and not see any violent films. I remember.

Why should he get away with it when we couldn't? What he needs is a completely

normal weekend.

Hi there.

Hi. You know the bedroom I slept in the first time I was here?

Jenny's room?

Yeah. You realise there's a dead woman in there?

Hmm.

She's not mine. Shh.

She's dead.

Go downstairs and watch Declan. I can't have a look. No.

What is it really?

Must have got tired by the journey.

So, you see, everything's all right. Nothing to get upset about. Come into

kitchen.

How did you get in here? I don't know. While you were fetching deck, then I was

finishing off the loft stuff.

Did you leave the front door open? No.

Only when I went to get the wood.

I warned you to be careful about that. I'm sorry.

Now my mother's got into the house.

That's more juice. Of course.

Here we are.

Carefully don't spill it.

No need to panic. She might just be here for the day. How will we know?

Was there a suitcase in there as well?

What? I think there was.

Easy.

It's a blouse, slippers.

You need to find her knickers.

What?

Find her knickers and count them.

Brilliant.

I can't count my mother -in -law's knickers.

Close your eyes then.

Oh, right.

Hold on, I've found some. How many are there?

I don't know.

It's a bit rubber in here.

It's a sponge bag. Oh, no.

Now we know. She's here for the weekend.

Well, there's only one bra.

Oh, of course, there's only one... Declan?

See you later.

Bye. Give my love to Maxine. Will do.

Peculiar girl.

There are a lot of peculiar people around here. God knows where they get

ideas from.

Here we are.

Oh!

Isn't he a love?

I just had to come and see him.

Oh, thank you. That's just how I like it.

Actually... I made it.

Oh, yes, so you did.

Well, that's all that's taken care of, then.

Well, it's so nice to have us all together here in the same room.

Pleased to see you too, Mrs Gates.

Oh, call me grand, love.

After all, he's one of the family now, isn't he?

Yes, well, I'd better go and see about the food or we'll all be hungry.

Oh, what is it?

Um, lamb chops and salad.

have chips?

Well, salad is nice too.

Salad is very bad for children.

Why? Well, don't you read the papers?

All the tomatoes are genetically mollified and they inject everything

radioactivity. There's cucumbers as big as Godzilla.

Well, we could just have the lettuce.

Manatees eat lettuce and they're dying out.

Let us not have lettuce.

of chips and beans.

Yeah, little dear, he knows what's best for him.

Well, we prefer to have something a little more healthy, don't we?

Oh, yeah. We always have lots of fibre and green stuff and pips.

Oh, I thought you'd have made an exception in my...

Oh, well, haven't you got some schoolwork to do, Declan? Oh, do I have

that? No, he doesn't have to, does he? Well, actually... Oh, it's boring, isn't

it? Yeah, but... Well, now you can do it all at breakfast on Monday morning.

I used to.

I actually don't really think... Oh, well, we'll think of something else for

to do, won't we?

Will you?

Mm. Now, let me think.

Oh, I love you being here, Gran.

Oh!

Bless him. And do you know how Declan and I like being here too?

No.

Is she going to be here every weekend he's here?

I don't know. She knows there's room now.

Can't we get Jen to come back?

Well, we've got to do something. She's seizing power.

Don't be ridiculous.

Slim Jim does not sit once.

All right.

You see? You said you were going to feed her properly.

Well, they never hurt David and you.

You know, she's just stopped him doing his own work.

What? I left you in charge of that.

I know.

What can I do?

She knows I've seen her knickers.

Shut up. Can't you see what's happening? Ten to one, she's got him in there

watching some gruesome video now. Don't be silly.

You just don't want to admit her evil powers, do you? Go on, I'll bet you a

fiver. I'll bet you a fiver. Go on, go on, go on.

What are you doing? You're watching a video.

I brought it with me.

We thought we'd look at it.

Oh. It's a Walt Disney.

All about... Dear little fairies. Oh, that sounds very nice.

Come on, sit by me.

Hey,

would you like to see the scars on my arm?

They love it!

Once, when I was a little girl, I tripped and I fell on my elbow.

And the whole shattered joint went right up through the top and poking out

through the top.

Yes, well... And they had to hammer it back. and secure it in position with

three metal bolts.

Here, here and here.

You can see where they drilled the holes through the pipe.

I've got so many new bits and pieces in me now that when I go through the metal

detector, it sounds like tubular bells.

And once, when I was playing near an iron railing and I fell and a

huge...

spike completely skewered my leg.

Oh, thank God you're still here.

It's an emergency. Have we got any brandy?

That green stuff will walk back for the trifle. Will that do? Just anything.

Here,

thanks.

Oh, my God, what is this?

Freaksy... Caxoth, 15 -star brandy.

Three drachmas a litre. No wonder they're always breaking plates.

What are you doing here?

It's been a very bad day.

But you're looking forward to having Declan.

Declan, yes. Not my mother as well.

How did that happen? Just the usual. The hurricane brought down the computers

and the electric fences failed.

She's been letting him run riot all evening. He had three helpings of

without finishing his first.

Read his comic at the table. Didn't help with any of the clearing up.

Don't be hard on him. He's only little.

Let him do what he wants.

Ooh, isn't he a love?

She probably just enjoys seeing him.

That's the trouble. She enjoys kids too much. Nothing they do is ever wrong.

If she'd stop you about kids, what's the harm in that? You turned out all right,

didn't you? Only by chance.

What do you mean?

She let me do anything.

I could have turned out to be a mass murderer. She'd have said, oh, leave her

alone. She's just playing with her little axe.

You didn't. So what harm did it do?

When I was six, I saw her with a cigarette, so I said, Mum, can I have

those? And she said, Of course you can, Bill.

In fact, why don't you finish this one and handed it to me there and then?

That's pretty clever.

A year later, I was the only seven -year -old in the brownies with a smoker's

cough.

She's not staying long.

Oh, dear.

Couldn't we get Aunty Pearl down to distract her?

No, she's on a coach tour of Norway.

It's the Nazis' revenge for them sending us a Christmas tree every year.

Can I come in?

What are you doing here? I told you to stay at home. It's all right for you.

I've had to maintain authority over there all by myself. Yes, but I... Where

your trousers?

They wanted them for something.

What? I don't know. It was your mother's idea.

Well, why didn't you go up and put on another pair? She was blocking the

Oh, my God, you are hopeless.

Well, I didn't see you putting up much resistance.

Well... Cheer up, it'll soon be his bedtime.

Well, no, it won't be, actually. She said he could stay up.

Then? What was I supposed to do?

Those knickers will be hanging over my head for the rest of my life.

I told you this would get out of control. We've got to find some way of

her. Don't be too hard on her, Bill.

You'll be old one day.

She probably really looks forward to seeing you and the kids, and the truth

she's not going to be any different as long as she lives.

Yes, you're right.

We'll have to kill her.

Well, what else can we do?

How do you get rid of Aunty Pearl when she outstays her welcome?

Oh, well, that's easy.

Tony and I just have sex in the next room.

Ah! Yeah, she's on the phone and booked the tickets before I open the bedside

drawer. Do you think it'll work?

Well, I suppose we could, but it doesn't get back until ten. No, I mean, Bill

and me.

What?

Declan could hear.

So? He's already had a hideous childhood without adding anything else.

There must be some things she doesn't like.

I know.

She's staying in Jen's room, right?

Right. Well, before she goes to bed, we tell her that the room's haunted and

that's why Jen won't come home at the weekends.

Yes. Well... What?

Isn't it obvious?

Can't we stay up when she goes to sleep? We... Dance for Macarena?

No. We haunt the room.

And how exactly do we do that?

Well... We'd put a couple of sheets on our heads and go, Woo!

What? Woo!

What are you talking about?

Ghosts don't go, Woo!

Yes, they do.

On Scooby -Doo, not in real life.

What do they do in real life, then?

Will you stop talking rubbish?

Now, we're going to go back and get this into perspective.

Yeah, but... We are not going to do anything silly.

We'll have fun this evening, and then tomorrow, if we're still worried, we'll

think of something.

What's going on in here?

We're playing pirate ships.

He's making me walk the plank.

Oh, you scrawny carnivore woman.

You're sleeping with the fishes.

Isn't he sweet?

I love fish.

Declan, put that down.

They're using my trousers as the Jolly Roger.

What was that then?

Oh, we're using them as sails.

Fast behind.

Get them back now.

Oh, no.

That's him. He's enjoying himself, aren't you, love? No.

speaking. Now, shut up, blobber bucket!

Yes, stop struggling or you'll be sleeping with a haddock.

Actually, Mum, I think it's nearly Declan's bedtime.

Oh, Gran said I could stay up.

Yeah, but I'm sure she only meant till nine o 'clock.

No, I told him he could stay up as long as he liked.

Ben, stop encouraging them.

Encouraging them?

Mum, I'm sorry to be firm about this, but I really think he should go to bed

now. I suppose.

Now, Mum.

Oh, well.

If you say so.

Do I really have to, Gran?

Yeah, do as she says.

Thank you.

After all, I'm just a silly old woman.

Oh, I've got too soft a heart.

When I look at his little face, well, just look at him.

And when I think of the terrible life he's had, I think it would be so cruel

make life miserable for him.

Tie him up. What?

For a little while. For a little while.

Shall I pull it off again really high?

Oh, by the way, David rang when you were out. Oh?

Yeah, and he said, could he stay out later than you said? And could he stop

all night at that friend of his? What?

And I said, yes, he could.

Oh, wonderful.

Will you still be here tomorrow, Gran? Oh, yes, Declan. Just you try and stop

me. There are a lot more things I want to do here before I go.

Aren't there?

Yes. And now James' room is empty.

Well, you never know, dear.

They're watching telly.

Right.

Ben.

Come on, Long John Silver.

I'm not carrying her up as well.

Ma 'am.

Oh.

You must have drifted off.

Ben's taken Declan up. He drifted off as well.

Oh, and I was having such a lovely dream.

Were you? Yeah.

Such a nice change from my usual one.

Oh, I suppose I'd better be getting off upstairs.

Yeah. Your usual one?

Yeah.

You know, that horrible dream that I keep on having.

Which one's that?

I'm sure I've told you. No.

Oh, it's horrible.

I wake up in such a state, I can't sleep a wink.

It's always when I'm in a strange bedroom.

Sometimes I have to go home.

Oh? What happens in it?

Well, I think I'm awake.

And I lie there, and it's cold, and all I can hear is this scraping noise.

Scrape, scrape, scrape.

And then I feel just such a heavy pressure on me chest.

So I switch the light on, and there, staring me straight in the face, is this

huge, terrible light.

That's not in the sleep at all.

Oh,

I must be getting up.

Oh, yes, but Mum... No, I'm dropping, I'm dropping. I'll see you.

Night -night. Night -night.

See you in the morning.

What did you have to come downstairs for?

Eh? She was just about to tell me.

Tell you what?

What she sees in her nightmare. The one that sometimes makes her go home.

Go home?

She does it when she's away from her house. She sees this horrible thing.

kind of thing in her room? What kind of thing?

A huge, terrible white... What?

I don't know. You came down.

I wonder what it could be.

Oh, how do I know? What's huge, terrible and white?

Barry White.

Barry White is black.

Pavarotti? How did she wake up with Pavarotti in her room?

Well, I don't know. It's a nightmare. Anything could happen.

Yes, but she hears scratching.

Perhaps he's got fleas.

Does it matter anyway?

Even if we knew, what use would it be to us?

Hang about.

It's obviously some kind of animal, right?

Yeah. Well?

What? Well, what if David had one of these things and it somehow got into a

tonight? David hasn't got any animals.

Won't be so sure of that.

What?

No.

Yeah?

No.

No, it's quiet tonight.

No sign of anything, really.

Call you back, Chad.

Hello. What's this in Adolf?

Just don't want next Thursday off.

What's the tax?

Just want to borrow something. Just for a little while. Nothing happened to it.

Borrow what?

Something.

It's a rabbit.

Well, yeah.

It's not huge.

It is for a rabbit.

It's not terrible.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Well, it's white.

Look, Ben, I really think... I'm going to put it in a room right now. Oh, no,

no, no, Ben, no!

Stop it. Shh!

Shut the door.

Good, now can you just take that thing back?

Where are you going now? Get me a pair of my pants.

Two pairs.

Six, seven, eight, nine.

Now what are you doing?

Here it is.

What? The old loft hat.

All right.

What's going on?

Not tonight, Jim.

I've got a headache.

Declan, you have to understand that although Mum thinks an awful lot of you,

isn't the same as letting you do everything you want.

We love you just as much, but sometimes it's not a good idea to play pirates or

something like that just because you want to.

What makes you think I wanted to play pirates?

What?

Do you really think anybody under the age of 50 wants to play pirates in 1999?

I'd rather do Duke Nukem.

Why did you do it?

I forgot to wear her out somehow.

I was doing my best. I kept her going until half past ten.

Wear her out?

Well, how else are we going to get rid of her?

She stays here all the time. She's going to drive us around the twist.

What was all that stuff about wanting to stay for the weekend?

We don't want to make it obvious.

Blimey, you'd be hopeless on the street.

Just leave me and you'll be home again by the end of tomorrow.

You see.

Finally, a bit of sanity.

Hang on, hang on. If this is all some kind of scam, what was all that about

wanting chips instead of meat? Where did all that fit in?

There's got to be some perks to the job.

Go on.

Go and get some sleep. Yeah, come on, Duke Nukem.

Yeah, I don't suppose she told you what it was that was huge, terrible and white

that scared the life out of her.

Mum, tell me.

She's never mentioned it, honestly.

You can go home tomorrow.

All right? Yeah, he's quite a kid. Always got something to surprise you.