Original subtitles

Why can't you park outside your own house?

Hello? Hi.

Could somebody help me?

Oh, sorry, I can't get up.

Is it shepherd's pie tonight?

No, it's plumber's testicle.

Lovely.

One of your T -shirts gone missing.

What's wrong with that T -shirt?

The new one's genuine hacky.

I got it from Shepherd's Bush Market. Those things all look the same to me.

God, where does all this stuff come from?

Let me help you.

Thanks.

What do you want?

Can I use my work savings to buy contact lenses that make my eyes look as if

they're bright red?

Can't you just try to read the writing on CFAX?

Baby boomers have got no conception of style.

You wouldn't even let me buy a Ralph Lauren shirt.

I told you, no -one ever got on in the world just because they had a particular

polo player on their chest.

Apart from Camilla Parker Bowles.

Grab the airing cupboard.

I've got to get a label of some sort.

What is that?

Oh, it's that sitcom about a family.

So unrealistic and all so terrible, look.

Not that, this.

Oh, that! That's Ab Blaster 2000.

What? I sent off for it through the post. It's good, isn't it? What on earth

it doing?

You won't say that when I've got abs of steel.

Abs of steel?

Yeah, look.

Look at what?

It's working already, see?

Oh, yes, you've got four ping -pong bats stuck to your stomach.

I'm getting a six -pack.

More like a party seven.

You may stop.

But ten minutes on this is equivalent to 600 split -ups.

600? Well, a lot, anyway.

And why is it plugged into the phone charger, Lee?

Oh, I did that. It saves on the batteries.

And there's even enough electrodes left over to tone up my thighs as well.

Do you need to run this off the mains? Oh, perfectly.

I'll send it back tomorrow, yeah.

Good.

You've never worried about your stomach before. What's brought this on suddenly?

Nothing. I just want it to look good for you.

What?

You've never said anything like that before.

Does that mean you're frying bacon?

No.

Oh, God, it's her.

I thought you were staying at college this weekend.

I missed everyone.

I just want to spend the weekend with my family.

Hi, Dad. Oh, no, I'll have to make... up your bed.

Oh, I've touched everyone so pleased to see me.

Well, my possession's been burned to the back garden yet.

We sure don't have to sleep in the attic if we get Declan permanently.

I put in a skylight and a floor. What more do you want?

There.

Or do I have to climb up there like Spider -Man? It's only for weekends till

gets used to us. I thought you said you weren't coming back till half term.

Uh, yeah, but haven't these done?

Oh, lovely.

Two bags of underwear.

Didn't think you needed any of that at college.

Yeah. You haven't still got that boy sleeping next door, have you? Keith?

The one with the key to the adjoining door.

I can honestly say he isn't sleeping in the next room anymore.

Oh. Right.

Really?

So, she's not listening, is she?

Shh. There's a way to tell. How?

Well, she is listening.

It all goes quiet in there.

Do you think she's twigged?

Haven't you told her yet? No, not yet. You're going to have to break it to her

soon. Yes, all right, I will. It's just a terrible sitcom. Shall I turn it over?

Oh, yes, sorry, listen.

Something very strange is going on in this house.

What do you mean? David's gone designer label mad.

Jenny's come home and she could be clubbing.

Yes, I do know what you do when you say you're studying at the weekend.

You've suddenly developed an interest in having Brad Pitt's stomach.

You're so suspicious about everything.

And we don't know Perry.

His food isn't even touched.

All right.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Oh, hello. I just dropped by to check. Will we be eating at the usual place

tomorrow? The prices are so reasonable and the food is...

Saw this in the paper.

Wanted. The BBC is looking for a typical blue -collar family with both parents

working and two children.

Oh, no, did you forget to pay your TV licence again?

It's for a fly -on -the -wall documentary.

For what? You know, like Driving School and Clampers and that other one. Oh,

yeah, Builders. I'll take that one.

Emma, what's the one with the holiday reps?

Holiday reps?

No, that would be too stupid a name for one. Summer holiday.

Isn't that with Darren Day, not a fly -on -the -wall?

to tell the difference.

I like the one with the sick dogs on life support machines. What was that?

Animal vegetable mineral.

Animal casualty. No, the new one.

Changing kennels.

Look, can we get on with this? I've left the Rottweilers waiting at the flat and

they'll be humping the hi -fi stack by now.

Last time when I got back, Bruno had a CD trapped in a very nasty place.

Yes, well, we don't really want to go into that. Neither did Bruno.

And... And, oh, yes, well, I saw this and I thought,

uh -huh.

As much as that.

What do you mean you rang them up? What did they say?

Well, they said it's between us and one other family.

Isn't it great?

Yes, I'm almost as happy as the day I was examining my breasts in the bedroom

and leant too close to the electric fan.

What do you mean? It's wonderful news, isn't it?

Have you thought about this carefully?

Why? It's got nothing to do with me. You think so?

Don't you realise what happens in a fly -on -the -wall documentary?

Of course she does.

What? The cameras follow you everywhere, wherever you go, and everyone in the

country watches everything you do.

Yes, for everything you do. Oh, not that.

Thank goodness.

It was bad enough last time.

A long time ago, he said he was the student director.

Yeah, and I bet you ended up on the cutting room floor.

No, I didn't. I was an experimental short.

Yes, well, the point is, nothing will be the same. There'll be no privacy at

all. Strange people will be crawling all over the house day and night, making a

terrible mess everywhere, treating me like a servant, dirtying the house up,

demanding food and drink at all hours.

All right, I admit it doesn't sound very different to what usually happens, but

the fact is, it will be absolutely hideous and worse than a lifetime of

in the pits of hell.

Yes, but you're just talking about the bad bit. What do you mean? There aren't

any good bits. Yes, there are.

What? We'd be famous. Ah, yes. It's true.

I don't want to be famous.

Don't want to be famous? Don't want to be famous? What's the matter with you?

It's not good for you. Who says?

Judy Garland, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Elvis, Princess Diana, Kurt

Jonathan Ross.

Jonathan Ross is still alive.

Exactly.

This is typical.

Our one chance of fame.

What? other opportunity we're ever going to have. Yeah, I'm in negotiations with

Tango from our backside.

There's plenty of room on there.

I heard that.

Yes, you see, everybody thinks it's a really good idea.

Well, I don't. Why not?

Well, what about Declan? We've only got him for weekends at the moment. They

haven't decided we can have him full time yet.

It's taken me a year to convince social services we're not devil worshippers.

Yes, well, that was a misunderstanding.

There were cream horns stuck in my head.

We are... Supposed to be offering him a safe, normal home. What do you think

they'll say if they discover we're going to have film crews all over the place?

So, what do you suggest we do about it, then?

Well, that's why I called you all here.

We're all affected by this, so we're all going to think about it properly, all

together, then democratically come to a decision that we're not going to do it.

It really is the best thing.

Agreed?

You'd better tell her the rest.

What rest?

There is a bit more to it.

I said they could do a screen test.

Screen test? Yes, so they can decide between us and the other family.

Well, they don't need to do that now, do they? You can just ring them up and

tell them we've changed, aren't I? Oh, now who is it?

The band's outside with all the equipment.

Oh, let me see.

What sort of equipment?

Well, I said they could do it tonight.

What?

I said they could do it. I mean, how could you let this get so far without

telling me? Because we knew you'd spoil everything.

Yeah, you always stop us doing anything interesting.

So that's why everybody's been acting like a lunatic, because you said we'd do

this. So they found it all.

It's him getting the camera out now.

Oh, we can't leave him on the doorstep. Good enough for Roger Cook.

It'll be fun.

It'll be interesting.

Well, don't really have much choice.

Stop them today. We'll have to go through with the test, but just the

And then when they've gone, you'll ring them and tell them we've changed our

mind and they can use the other family.

Agreed?

I'll think about it.

Good.

Any more tea?

Yes, well, I think most of India's empty by now.

Goodbye. Christine, I'm sorry you have to go so soon.

Why am I getting the hustle? You heard what the director said. Only members of

the family for the test.

No, you can treat me as a member of the family for tonight.

Oh, all right then. Out you go.

Thanks very much.

Dad. Hi. What?

More interesting.

But Mum said we couldn't do the whole thing anyway.

You still want to be an actor, don't you?

Yeah, and I told everyone at college I was going to be famous.

Oh, she's just in a bad mood.

She'll be all right when she finds out what fun it all is.

OK,

I think we're just about ready.

Oh, right. Where do you want us in?

Where would you normally be at this time of day?

Er, on the sofa.

Fine.

It's a childish.

Now you're between us and the camera.

Am I?

What did I tell you? I knew I couldn't trust them.

What is all this stuff? They won't want this at our conference with sports

managers. From the gourmet shop in the precinct. The one that sells all that

weird exotic food?

Yes. Clothing down, much to no one's surprise.

I suspected something was up when I saw the staff having lunch at McDonald's.

Oh, my God.

Yes, I know, but they let me have the whole box for a fiver. Some of it might

come in useful one day. What do you think?

Rona? Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

I was just thinking about the cameras.

What?

What if everything we did was going to be seen on television?

You never know who might be watching.

What do you mean?

I mean, we'd have to be really careful what we said in front of the cameras. We

couldn't just do what we usually do.

No. I think you're right.

I think it's best if it goes no further than this.

I don't think it will.

How do you know? I have a feeling.

Ben and the kids didn't look very convinced. Don't worry, they will be.

Coming!

Look, here's the keys to the centre. Could you take the oven and the urn down

and set up for tomorrow?

All right.

Right, now remember, this is a fly -on -the -wall documentary, so we just want

you to get on with whatever you'd be doing normally.

The only rule you must keep to is don't look at us, don't speak to us. You must

ignore us, whatever happens.

Because whatever happens, we won't stop the camera.

Everybody understand?

Yes, I think so.

Everyone ready?

Mark it.

Screen test number two, rule one.

Ready soon.

What are you doing?

Well, it's before tea time.

So? You'll all want to slump in front of the telly for half an hour without

speaking until you hear the sound of China dropping onto tablecloths. We

always do that.

It's what you usually do. No, we do much more interesting things than that,

don't we? Yes.

You're such a practical joker, Mother.

Mother? Wherever did you get the idea that we do nothing but watch television?

John's switch wore out on the last remote and we had to send off for a new

Yes. What?

Well, we didn't have a remote control for three months.

Yes, I know.

What do you think this is?

It's just a fault in the pile.

No, it isn't. You even tried to train Harry to switch it on for you.

Now when I'm checking for a walk, he drags me into radio rentals all the

We don't watch television all the time, do we?

No. No, sometimes we do other things.

You don't notice because you're usually busy.

Yes. What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

Well, you don't usually leave the kitchen.

Well, I put the oven on and in a minute I put the shepherd's pie in.

Shepherd's pie?

Yes, your favourite.

It's not my favourite, it's boring.

Really? I thought you said you'd have shepherd's pie every day for every meal

you had your way.

Oh, I hate shepherd's pie.

Much more interesting.

So you don't want that, then?

No. Well, I suppose I could put it in the freezer and we could have something

else. Good.

Fish fingers and peas?

No, that's just as boring.

How about homemade cheeseburgers with all the trimmings?

No, thank you.

I was going to do a fry -up, you know.

Sausages, bacon, chips and beans.

Lovely, greasy fried bread.

interesting enough for you, is it?

No.

No, we want something really different.

Not the things other families have.

All right, then.

Something really different.

Have you been phoning?

No one.

Here we are, then.

Sure, you don't want me to turn the telly on now?

Well, we're eating.

What sort of family do you think we are?

I don't know, but I've been considering setting a place for Trevor MacDonald

recently.

You don't watch the news during meals.

No, we watch The Simpsons. No, we don't.

Deep Space Nine. No, we don't. We talk to each other about our lives. That's

right.

opens into your bedroom.

It was Keith, wasn't it?

Was it?

What horrible boy we met when we dropped you off.

That's right. Do you ever see him?

How do you mean see him?

Well, you must bump into him occasionally.

I wouldn't like to say. I mean, we're all completely different courses.

But you see him at night?

In the bar, I mean.

Oh, in the bar. I thought you meant in bed.

What?

Or somewhere else.

What did you mean in bed?

Let's not talk about me. It's all too boring.

I won't talk about it. Not now.

Let's talk about David.

All right.

What a good idea.

Is that a new T -shirt?

Yeah.

Genuine Hackett.

Very nice. How much was it?

£2 .99.

£2 .99. That's cheap, isn't it?

Yeah, it's probably fallen off the back of a lot.

Let's talk about Dad.

If you say so.

So. What have you got to tell us?

Nothing. You must have.

No, I'd rather hear what you've been doing.

I don't think you would. Yes, I would.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, apart from the housework and the shopping, I've spent most of the time

doing your income tax return.

Now, let's not talk about you. Let's talk about me. But you wanted to.

No, it's all right. Let's talk about me.

Right. On your...

tax return, why is it that the figures for your income don't quite tally with

the amounts you're actually paid in cash?

Dinner's getting cold.

Like it? Mmm.

What is it?

Oh, and sliced armadillo.

I think it's crunchy.

Oh, that'll be the edible grasshoppers.

Oh, lovely.

You cool that before it gets cold.

Mmm.

Yummy, yummy.

The armadillo's delicious.

Very spiky.

Enough for everyone, so I'd have the shepherd's pie.

Never mind. I'm sure we'll be having lots of interesting meals just like this

every day in the future, won't we?

I'll get it. No, I will. No, it's all right.

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Yes, we do.

Oh, what kind of emergency?

Sorry, got a call out.

Yes, yes, and when did it start to flood?

Yes, well, slow down. Slow down, yes.

Now, just tell me everything that happened.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -dee -blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -dee -blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -dee -blah.

You've been pinning them.

Yes, I think I've got that now.

Where exactly is it?

My brother's place in Acton. But take the long way round. It'll take a bit of

time to flood it out.

Yes, of course. Thank you. Oh, Gordon Brown.

Oh, uh, the address.

Yes. Just, oh, the green metal staircase.

Yeah. Turn left. Down the stairs.

Carry straight on through the door. Right. Got that.

Bye.

Pass the green steps and...

Emergency plumber! Hello?

Come straight down the walk, we're getting very bad.

Oh, hell.

Hello?

Hello, where are you?

Hello? Oh, hello.

Hello, look, you better keep back. It's very wet here.

We've brought home lots of leftover pizza.

You know what's on telly tonight, don't you?

I thought we all agreed it was a good thing they chose the other family

of us, didn't we?

No. Yes, we did.

Well, they would have chosen us instead of the other family if you hadn't spoilt

it for us.

Well, you didn't exactly play fair with me, did you? You didn't have to make us

all look like idiots in front of the camera.

No, we were managing very nicely by ourselves.

I suppose I should be grateful Jenny isn't here to moan at me as well.

Hello?

Yes, I will accept the charge.

Hello?

What do you mean, who? Your mother?

Oh, don't slam the phone.

She says, tell my father everyone at college is laughing at me. Yeah, well,

hasn't heard what Clinger's been saying around the cafe.

All my mates at school say I'm too boring to be on television.

Oh, come on. Bill was just trying to do her best for everyone, weren't you?

How? Why do you suppose they wanted to film a so -called typical working

Why? It's just so they can watch it in the evening and tell each other how

horrible they are and how they're glad they're not as dreadful as they are.

You really think so?

Yes, of course.

It was in all the papers today how absolutely terrible this family is.

probably deliberately chosen because they're far worse than we could ever be.

Oh, right.

Harry.

And the Baker kids, David and Lenny, are spending an evening at home.

or fattened gloop. Why don't we just saw up a cow in the middle of the room?

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Mmm, shepherd's pie.

Father, Len, is a self -employed roofing contractor.

Perhaps their friends are much more horrible.

Me neither.

Of course they are. What do you mean, look at them?

What about that dreadful husband?

I thought he looked quite handsome. That stupid -looking boy.

They're not horrible at all. They're just the same as us.

So why did they choose them?

Ah, but we haven't seen the mother yet.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

What about her? We read all about her. Apparently she's really terrible.

Bossy, suspicious, argumentative, really stupid.

Yoda runs a small business together with Mrs Baker.

All right, what's going on?

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.

She's horrible.

What a cow.

Nightmare. Yeah, nightmare.

Nightmare.

Nightmare.

Nightmare.

Nightmare.

You're being cynical.