All language subtitles for 2Point4 Children s08e01 Fame

Why can't you park outside your own
house?

Hello? Hi.

Could somebody help me?

Oh, sorry, I can't get up.

Is it shepherd's pie tonight?

No, it's plumber's testicle.

Lovely.

One of your T -shirts gone missing.

What's wrong with that T -shirt?

The new one's genuine hacky.

I got it from Shepherd's Bush Market.
Those things all look the same to me.

God, where does all this stuff come
from?

Let me help you.

Thanks.

What do you want?

Can I use my work savings to buy contact
lenses that make my eyes look as if

they're bright red?

Can't you just try to read the writing
on CFAX?

Baby boomers have got no conception of
style.

You wouldn't even let me buy a Ralph
Lauren shirt.

I told you, no -one ever got on in the
world just because they had a particular

polo player on their chest.

Apart from Camilla Parker Bowles.

Grab the airing cupboard.

I've got to get a label of some sort.

What is that?

Oh, it's that sitcom about a family.

So unrealistic and all so terrible,
look.

Not that, this.

Oh, that! That's Ab Blaster 2000.

What? I sent off for it through the
post. It's good, isn't it? What on earth

it doing?

You won't say that when I've got abs of
steel.

Abs of steel?

Yeah, look.

Look at what?

It's working already, see?

Oh, yes, you've got four ping -pong bats
stuck to your stomach.

I'm getting a six -pack.

More like a party seven.

You may stop.

But ten minutes on this is equivalent to
600 split -ups.

600? Well, a lot, anyway.

And why is it plugged into the phone
charger, Lee?

Oh, I did that. It saves on the
batteries.

And there's even enough electrodes left
over to tone up my thighs as well.

Do you need to run this off the mains?
Oh, perfectly.

I'll send it back tomorrow, yeah.

Good.

You've never worried about your stomach
before. What's brought this on suddenly?

Nothing. I just want it to look good for
you.

What?

You've never said anything like that
before.

Does that mean you're frying bacon?

No.

Oh, God, it's her.

I thought you were staying at college
this weekend.

I missed everyone.

I just want to spend the weekend with my
family.

Hi, Dad. Oh, no, I'll have to make... up
your bed.

Oh, I've touched everyone so pleased to
see me.

Well, my possession's been burned to the
back garden yet.

We sure don't have to sleep in the attic
if we get Declan permanently.

I put in a skylight and a floor. What
more do you want?

There.

Or do I have to climb up there like
Spider -Man? It's only for weekends till

gets used to us. I thought you said you
weren't coming back till half term.

Uh, yeah, but haven't these done?

Oh, lovely.

Two bags of underwear.

Didn't think you needed any of that at
college.

Yeah. You haven't still got that boy
sleeping next door, have you? Keith?

The one with the key to the adjoining
door.

I can honestly say he isn't sleeping in
the next room anymore.

Oh. Right.

Really?

So, she's not listening, is she?

Shh. There's a way to tell. How?

Well, she is listening.

It all goes quiet in there.

Do you think she's twigged?

Haven't you told her yet? No, not yet.
You're going to have to break it to her

soon. Yes, all right, I will. It's just
a terrible sitcom. Shall I turn it over?

Oh, yes, sorry, listen.

Something very strange is going on in
this house.

What do you mean? David's gone designer
label mad.

Jenny's come home and she could be
clubbing.

Yes, I do know what you do when you say
you're studying at the weekend.

You've suddenly developed an interest in
having Brad Pitt's stomach.

You're so suspicious about everything.

And we don't know Perry.

His food isn't even touched.

All right.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Oh, hello. I just dropped by to check.
Will we be eating at the usual place

tomorrow? The prices are so reasonable
and the food is...

Saw this in the paper.

Wanted. The BBC is looking for a typical
blue -collar family with both parents

working and two children.

Oh, no, did you forget to pay your TV
licence again?

It's for a fly -on -the -wall
documentary.

For what? You know, like Driving School
and Clampers and that other one. Oh,

yeah, Builders. I'll take that one.

Emma, what's the one with the holiday
reps?

Holiday reps?

No, that would be too stupid a name for
one. Summer holiday.

Isn't that with Darren Day, not a fly
-on -the -wall?

to tell the difference.

I like the one with the sick dogs on
life support machines. What was that?

Animal vegetable mineral.

Animal casualty. No, the new one.

Changing kennels.

Look, can we get on with this? I've left
the Rottweilers waiting at the flat and

they'll be humping the hi -fi stack by
now.

Last time when I got back, Bruno had a
CD trapped in a very nasty place.

Yes, well, we don't really want to go
into that. Neither did Bruno.

And... And, oh, yes, well, I saw this
and I thought,

uh -huh.

As much as that.

What do you mean you rang them up? What
did they say?

Well, they said it's between us and one
other family.

Isn't it great?

Yes, I'm almost as happy as the day I
was examining my breasts in the bedroom

and leant too close to the electric fan.

What do you mean? It's wonderful news,
isn't it?

Have you thought about this carefully?

Why? It's got nothing to do with me. You
think so?

Don't you realise what happens in a fly
-on -the -wall documentary?

Of course she does.

What? The cameras follow you everywhere,
wherever you go, and everyone in the

country watches everything you do.

Yes, for everything you do. Oh, not
that.

Thank goodness.

It was bad enough last time.

A long time ago, he said he was the
student director.

Yeah, and I bet you ended up on the
cutting room floor.

No, I didn't. I was an experimental
short.

Yes, well, the point is, nothing will be
the same. There'll be no privacy at

all. Strange people will be crawling all
over the house day and night, making a

terrible mess everywhere, treating me
like a servant, dirtying the house up,

demanding food and drink at all hours.

All right, I admit it doesn't sound very
different to what usually happens, but

the fact is, it will be absolutely
hideous and worse than a lifetime of

in the pits of hell.

Yes, but you're just talking about the
bad bit. What do you mean? There aren't

any good bits. Yes, there are.

What? We'd be famous. Ah, yes. It's
true.

I don't want to be famous.

Don't want to be famous? Don't want to
be famous? What's the matter with you?

It's not good for you. Who says?

Judy Garland, Janis Joplin, Jimi
Hendrix, Elvis, Princess Diana, Kurt

Jonathan Ross.

Jonathan Ross is still alive.

Exactly.

This is typical.

Our one chance of fame.

What? other opportunity we're ever going
to have. Yeah, I'm in negotiations with

Tango from our backside.

There's plenty of room on there.

I heard that.

Yes, you see, everybody thinks it's a
really good idea.

Well, I don't. Why not?

Well, what about Declan? We've only got
him for weekends at the moment. They

haven't decided we can have him full
time yet.

It's taken me a year to convince social
services we're not devil worshippers.

Yes, well, that was a misunderstanding.

There were cream horns stuck in my head.

We are... Supposed to be offering him a
safe, normal home. What do you think

they'll say if they discover we're going
to have film crews all over the place?

So, what do you suggest we do about it,
then?

Well, that's why I called you all here.

We're all affected by this, so we're all
going to think about it properly, all

together, then democratically come to a
decision that we're not going to do it.

It really is the best thing.

Agreed?

You'd better tell her the rest.

What rest?

There is a bit more to it.

I said they could do a screen test.

Screen test? Yes, so they can decide
between us and the other family.

Well, they don't need to do that now, do
they? You can just ring them up and

tell them we've changed, aren't I? Oh,
now who is it?

The band's outside with all the
equipment.

Oh, let me see.

What sort of equipment?

Well, I said they could do it tonight.

What?

I said they could do it. I mean, how
could you let this get so far without

telling me? Because we knew you'd spoil
everything.

Yeah, you always stop us doing anything
interesting.

So that's why everybody's been acting
like a lunatic, because you said we'd do

this. So they found it all.

It's him getting the camera out now.

Oh, we can't leave him on the doorstep.
Good enough for Roger Cook.

It'll be fun.

It'll be interesting.

Well, don't really have much choice.

Stop them today. We'll have to go
through with the test, but just the

And then when they've gone, you'll ring
them and tell them we've changed our

mind and they can use the other family.

Agreed?

I'll think about it.

Good.

Any more tea?

Yes, well, I think most of India's empty
by now.

Goodbye. Christine, I'm sorry you have
to go so soon.

Why am I getting the hustle? You heard
what the director said. Only members of

the family for the test.

No, you can treat me as a member of the
family for tonight.

Oh, all right then. Out you go.

Thanks very much.

Dad. Hi. What?

More interesting.

But Mum said we couldn't do the whole
thing anyway.

You still want to be an actor, don't
you?

Yeah, and I told everyone at college I
was going to be famous.

Oh, she's just in a bad mood.

She'll be all right when she finds out
what fun it all is.

OK,

I think we're just about ready.

Oh, right. Where do you want us in?

Where would you normally be at this time
of day?

Er, on the sofa.

Fine.

It's a childish.

Now you're between us and the camera.

Am I?

What did I tell you? I knew I couldn't
trust them.

What is all this stuff? They won't want
this at our conference with sports

managers. From the gourmet shop in the
precinct. The one that sells all that

weird exotic food?

Yes. Clothing down, much to no one's
surprise.

I suspected something was up when I saw
the staff having lunch at McDonald's.

Oh, my God.

Yes, I know, but they let me have the
whole box for a fiver. Some of it might

come in useful one day. What do you
think?

Rona? Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

I was just thinking about the cameras.

What?

What if everything we did was going to
be seen on television?

You never know who might be watching.

What do you mean?

I mean, we'd have to be really careful
what we said in front of the cameras. We

couldn't just do what we usually do.

No. I think you're right.

I think it's best if it goes no further
than this.

I don't think it will.

How do you know? I have a feeling.

Ben and the kids didn't look very
convinced. Don't worry, they will be.

Coming!

Look, here's the keys to the centre.
Could you take the oven and the urn down

and set up for tomorrow?

All right.

Right, now remember, this is a fly -on
-the -wall documentary, so we just want

you to get on with whatever you'd be
doing normally.

The only rule you must keep to is don't
look at us, don't speak to us. You must

ignore us, whatever happens.

Because whatever happens, we won't stop
the camera.

Everybody understand?

Yes, I think so.

Everyone ready?

Mark it.

Screen test number two, rule one.

Ready soon.

What are you doing?

Well, it's before tea time.

So? You'll all want to slump in front of
the telly for half an hour without

speaking until you hear the sound of
China dropping onto tablecloths. We

always do that.

It's what you usually do. No, we do much
more interesting things than that,

don't we? Yes.

You're such a practical joker, Mother.

Mother? Wherever did you get the idea
that we do nothing but watch television?

John's switch wore out on the last
remote and we had to send off for a new

Yes. What?

Well, we didn't have a remote control
for three months.

Yes, I know.

What do you think this is?

It's just a fault in the pile.

No, it isn't. You even tried to train
Harry to switch it on for you.

Now when I'm checking for a walk, he
drags me into radio rentals all the

We don't watch television all the time,
do we?

No. No, sometimes we do other things.

You don't notice because you're usually
busy.

Yes. What are you doing here?

What do you mean?

Well, you don't usually leave the
kitchen.

Well, I put the oven on and in a minute
I put the shepherd's pie in.

Shepherd's pie?

Yes, your favourite.

It's not my favourite, it's boring.

Really? I thought you said you'd have
shepherd's pie every day for every meal

you had your way.

Oh, I hate shepherd's pie.

Much more interesting.

So you don't want that, then?

No. Well, I suppose I could put it in
the freezer and we could have something

else. Good.

Fish fingers and peas?

No, that's just as boring.

How about homemade cheeseburgers with
all the trimmings?

No, thank you.

I was going to do a fry -up, you know.

Sausages, bacon, chips and beans.

Lovely, greasy fried bread.

interesting enough for you, is it?

No.

No, we want something really different.

Not the things other families have.

All right, then.

Something really different.

Have you been phoning?

No one.

Here we are, then.

Sure, you don't want me to turn the
telly on now?

Well, we're eating.

What sort of family do you think we are?

I don't know, but I've been considering
setting a place for Trevor MacDonald

recently.

You don't watch the news during meals.

No, we watch The Simpsons. No, we don't.

Deep Space Nine. No, we don't. We talk
to each other about our lives. That's

right.

opens into your bedroom.

It was Keith, wasn't it?

Was it?

What horrible boy we met when we dropped
you off.

That's right. Do you ever see him?

How do you mean see him?

Well, you must bump into him
occasionally.

I wouldn't like to say. I mean, we're
all completely different courses.

But you see him at night?

In the bar, I mean.

Oh, in the bar. I thought you meant in
bed.

What?

Or somewhere else.

What did you mean in bed?

Let's not talk about me. It's all too
boring.

I won't talk about it. Not now.

Let's talk about David.

All right.

What a good idea.

Is that a new T -shirt?

Yeah.

Genuine Hackett.

Very nice. How much was it?

£2 .99.

£2 .99. That's cheap, isn't it?

Yeah, it's probably fallen off the back
of a lot.

Let's talk about Dad.

If you say so.

So. What have you got to tell us?

Nothing. You must have.

No, I'd rather hear what you've been
doing.

I don't think you would. Yes, I would.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Well, apart from the housework and the
shopping, I've spent most of the time

doing your income tax return.

Now, let's not talk about you. Let's
talk about me. But you wanted to.

No, it's all right. Let's talk about me.

Right. On your...

tax return, why is it that the figures
for your income don't quite tally with

the amounts you're actually paid in
cash?

Dinner's getting cold.

Like it? Mmm.

What is it?

Oh, and sliced armadillo.

I think it's crunchy.

Oh, that'll be the edible grasshoppers.

Oh, lovely.

You cool that before it gets cold.

Mmm.

Yummy, yummy.

The armadillo's delicious.

Very spiky.

Enough for everyone, so I'd have the
shepherd's pie.

Never mind. I'm sure we'll be having
lots of interesting meals just like this

every day in the future, won't we?

I'll get it. No, I will. No, it's all
right.

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Yes, we do.

Oh, what kind of emergency?

Sorry, got a call out.

Yes, yes, and when did it start to
flood?

Yes, well, slow down. Slow down, yes.

Now, just tell me everything that
happened.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -dee -blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -dee -blah.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah -dee -blah.

You've been pinning them.

Yes, I think I've got that now.

Where exactly is it?

My brother's place in Acton. But take
the long way round. It'll take a bit of

time to flood it out.

Yes, of course. Thank you. Oh, Gordon
Brown.

Oh, uh, the address.

Yes. Just, oh, the green metal
staircase.

Yeah. Turn left. Down the stairs.

Carry straight on through the door.
Right. Got that.

Bye.

Pass the green steps and...

Emergency plumber! Hello?

Come straight down the walk, we're
getting very bad.

Oh, hell.

Hello?

Hello, where are you?

Hello? Oh, hello.

Hello, look, you better keep back. It's
very wet here.

We've brought home lots of leftover
pizza.

You know what's on telly tonight, don't
you?

I thought we all agreed it was a good
thing they chose the other family

of us, didn't we?

No. Yes, we did.

Well, they would have chosen us instead
of the other family if you hadn't spoilt

it for us.

Well, you didn't exactly play fair with
me, did you? You didn't have to make us

all look like idiots in front of the
camera.

No, we were managing very nicely by
ourselves.

I suppose I should be grateful Jenny
isn't here to moan at me as well.

Hello?

Yes, I will accept the charge.

Hello?

What do you mean, who? Your mother?

Oh, don't slam the phone.

She says, tell my father everyone at
college is laughing at me. Yeah, well,

hasn't heard what Clinger's been saying
around the cafe.

All my mates at school say I'm too
boring to be on television.

Oh, come on. Bill was just trying to do
her best for everyone, weren't you?

How? Why do you suppose they wanted to
film a so -called typical working

Why? It's just so they can watch it in
the evening and tell each other how

horrible they are and how they're glad
they're not as dreadful as they are.

You really think so?

Yes, of course.

It was in all the papers today how
absolutely terrible this family is.

probably deliberately chosen because
they're far worse than we could ever be.

Oh, right.

Harry.

And the Baker kids, David and Lenny, are
spending an evening at home.

or fattened gloop. Why don't we just saw
up a cow in the middle of the room?

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Mmm, shepherd's pie.

Father, Len, is a self -employed roofing
contractor.

Perhaps their friends are much more
horrible.

Me neither.

Of course they are. What do you mean,
look at them?

What about that dreadful husband?

I thought he looked quite handsome. That
stupid -looking boy.

They're not horrible at all. They're
just the same as us.

So why did they choose them?

Ah, but we haven't seen the mother yet.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

What about her? We read all about her.
Apparently she's really terrible.

Bossy, suspicious, argumentative, really
stupid.

Yoda runs a small business together with
Mrs Baker.

All right, what's going on?

Oh, yeah, I see what you mean.

She's horrible.

What a cow.

Nightmare. Yeah, nightmare.

Nightmare.

Nightmare.

Nightmare.

Nightmare.

You're being cynical.