Original subtitles

Hello. Well, thank you very much for that.

What? Telling me I was pregnant and letting me get all happy for half an

What's happened?

Apparently the doctor was right.

Yes? I am slightly diabetic.

Jenny, is your father upstairs?

No, there's nobody up there at all. Why? He hasn't turned up for work.

Where is he? I don't know.

I've no idea.

It's going straight to Oxfam before it causes any more trouble.

Why bother?

My reputation is now about the level of Dale or Winston's ability to pass a

suntan machine.

It'll never happen again.

Do you mind? I'm on the phone.

Hello? Yes.

I was wondering if it'd be convenient to speak with the plumber if he's still

there, please.

Thank you so much.

He's just not thinking straight at the moment.

He won't be walking straight when I get my hands on him.

Oh, thank you so much. He's coming. Let me speak to him.

Well, don't let him get away before I give him a few choice words. I don't

a box of Scrabble. There's only three S's in that.

Me. I suppose you realise what you got me into.

Sorry? I've just spent the whole morning wearing nothing but a mink coat, locked

in a wardrobe and auctioned off to the highest bidder.

It's one of those chat lines.

Who is this?

Who would you like me to be?

I was expecting... Ben Porter.

Oh, you're not the only one. He waited three hours before they called me. He's

not too popular in this house, I can tell you.

Hasn't he arrived there?

Would I be here if he had?

No, I suppose not.

Thanks. Hang on, hang on.

Let's talk about the mint coat.

It was some other plumber. Not Jake Klinger. No, it's nothing like that this

time. He just never turned up there.

You don't think he's had an accident?

No. I'm sure he hasn't had an accident.

Well, he does drive like a maniac.

That van's had more new wings than Manchester United.

It's virtually a death trap on wheels anyway.

If he'd had an accident, the police would have contacted us. I wouldn't bank

it. He usually gives his insurance details as Mr D Duck from Disneyland.

Should we ring round the hospitals?

No, I don't think so, really.

No, she's right.

If he is there, he's probably either unconscious from loss of blood or having

emergency operation, so you'd never know.

Christine, you can go home now. No, I'm going to stay here and take your spirits

up.

Did he go straight to the job? No, he dropped David off first.

Where are you going?

Reading the school.

No, there's no need to worry David unless we have to.

Well, what can we do?

His mobile? Has anyone tried his mobile?

I've done nothing but ring his mobile since I was left standing on a street

corner with my sport bra hosting the Winter Olympics.

He's never answered it. Maybe he wasn't able to answer it then. It's worth

another try.

What? Your father has taken a black banana to work with.

Oh, God, he hasn't had a breakdown?

No. He was just feeling a bit depressed this morning.

You don't think he might have done something silly? How would we tell?

No, of course not.

He'd never do anything like that. He cares far too much about the effect it

would have on us.

That's what everybody said about my Uncle Melvin.

One day, the police found his clothes in a pile on Worthing Beach.

You mean he drowned?

No, he was exposing himself to old ladies at the winter garden.

I thought he'd gone completely loony by then. Jenny, why don't you go and make

us a nice cup of tea?

Oh, yeah, a cup of tea. The great British looting against hiding what

thinking.

I'm making you both worry, aren't I? Yes.

I never did know when to shut up. No.

I always carry on, never noticing the signs. Talking and talking, it's a fault

of mine.

Yes. Sometimes it'd just be better if somebody just said, shut up, Christine,

and be done with it. I wouldn't be offended.

Shut up, Christine.

Well, that's nice.

It'll probably turn up before much longer.

Yes, probably.

I'd like to hang on here until he does.

Just to put me mind at rest.

Thanks.

That's not him, is it?

No.

That's another worry altogether.

You're gonna be safe here.

key in the door.

Oh.

I just came to say I'm sorry.

That's all right.

So, how are you feeling?

Quite bad, actually.

Oh, I thought you said you were all right.

Well, it comes and goes.

Yes, actually, I think I'd better go up and have a bit of a lie down.

I'm feeling a bit sick.

Oh, do you want to take a bowl up? No, not actually sick.

Dizzy.

box place.

That came free with it.

I think you had better have a lie down.

Shall I call the doctor? No, thanks. I'll be all right. I just need to be

for a while.

All right.

I'll check on you later.

do that to you again.

What did he say? I didn't tell her. She's still not feeling right. What are

doing? We're trying to work out the area he might be in. How?

Well, he left at quarter to ten, right? Yes.

And now it's twenty to two. That's nearly four hours.

And how fast does the van go?

Fifty with your foot down.

Right. So that's, er... Two hundred miles.

How did you do that? I went to a school where you weren't encouraged to sit

around all day reading Jackie.

That's educational.

Are we going to do this or not?

All right, all right. So it's 200 miles at 20 miles per inch.

So you should be somewhere inside here.

Oh, brilliant.

That's a great help.

What have you got on a train?

They go 120 miles an hour.

Oh, hang on, hang on.

Oh, what about a sailor? They must go at least 400 miles an hour. Oh, make up

your mind.

Oh, God, he could be in Russia by now.

Could be round the corner in the van having a sandwich.

My compass won't go that small.

Look, the best thing we can do is just wait. For all we know, the phone may

any minute now and it'll be him to tell us where he is, so let's just...

Yes, I will.

Right, then.

Yes.

Bye.

Who is it?

Geordie Pete.

Ben promised to ring him this morning to arrange where they were going to meet

for the football later, and he never phoned.

He never forgets football.

Now, that's getting weird.

Can't we ring the police? Why? What will we tell them?

That he's missing. We can't. She's right. I remember this one.

You're not actually missing, even if you've been missing.

lest you be missing for a certain amount of time. If it's less than that, you're

not truly missing, you're just missing.

So how are we ever going to find out if we don't ring the police?

What do we expect them to do?

Search for him. They can't. They can search for a particular vehicle.

Vehicles all have unique licence plates. Lots of people look identical.

Babies look identical, but they search for those when those mad women snatch

them from hospitals.

I see, yeah.

Well, thank you for explaining that all to me.

Yes. Not at all, but bye.

say you'd be disorientated?

No, they just gave me a note from my doctor about the diabetes and sent me

So that's all that happened while you were there?

Yes, what else could have happened?

Rona, there's a baby in your U -bend.

Here it is.

Oh, no.

It's not what you think.

What is it, then? A small pig that does impressions?

It is a baby, obviously. I mean, I didn't steal it.

Oh, well, I never said you did.

That's what you were thinking, then, wasn't it?

I know you've been very overwrought recently, and this diabetes thing may

upset the balance of your hormones.

I didn't steal it.

So where's it come from?

I'm going to get its bottle ready.

Rona, where's it come from?

I don't want to say.

Why? Because I know that you won't believe me. I'm your best friend, aren't

Of course I'll believe you.

I found it.

Where?

Under a gooseberry bush.

And that's the truth.

Well, do you believe me? Of course I believe you. You don't. I do.

No, you don't. I do. No, really, do you? Well, of course I don't, really. How

could you possibly have found it under a gooseberry bush?

It might not have been an actual gooseberry, but that's where it was. It

this cardboard box, under the bush, outside the hospital.

Well, who left it there?

I don't know. Why don't you ask it? Go on.

Oh, but if so, why don't you ring the hospital and ask them if they've got any

babies missing?

And do you know what they'll tell you? They'll tell you they can't have any

babies missing because the paediatric and maternal... The maternity unit shut

down last April.

So you mean this baby?

Yes.

How could anyone leave their baby like that?

Because they had no choice.

So what are you going to do with it?

You can't keep it.

Why not?

Because it isn't yours.

I do want your bottle now, don't you? Come on, let's get it ready. Rona, it's

wrong. How?

Well, think about it from the mother's point of view. She wants somebody to

after it.

Somebody who'll love it and give it a decent life, and I can do that.

Well, maybe she didn't leave it to be adopted. Maybe she just forgot it.

I wasn't going to show it to you because I knew it would upset you.

written by a child.

I know.

Poor little Amy.

So now do you believe that it's right for me to keep it?

No. Why not?

It's best for everyone all round.

Everyone? What are you going to tell Tony when he gets back?

That I had a baby.

No, he's never going to have a baby. Why not? You thought I was going to have

one only this morning.

birth to it, how's it supposed to have got out through a trap door round the

side?

Men never want to think about things like that.

Tony still faints when I tell him about having my teeth scraped.

Maybe we'll just have to tell him it's big for its age.

Oui, I'm not going to be a party to this. You should have thought of that

you started snooping around.

I was not snooping around.

It's changing.

Hang on, I've got some nappies in here somewhere.

How come?

And when did you get all these bottles and things?

Oh, years ago, when I first thought I wanted a baby.

All right, then. Let's have a look at you.

used to have one of those dolls?

You know, the ones that come with bottles and blankets and nappies and

everything.

Tiny Tiff.

That's right.

Used to bring its bottle, wet its nappy.

Did you have one too?

Remember how we used to change them and feed them?

It's quite good training, wasn't it? Yeah, except for one thing. What?

This isn't a dolly, Rona. It's a real baby.

I'm just worried you haven't thought this through properly.

You're just thinking that there's some object you want to have.

I am not.

Why do you always say it instead of she?

Just to slip of the tongue.

Of course I know she's not a toy.

You put her under the sink.

I had to. I didn't want you to see it. It's her.

Just for a moment. She could suffocate. There's a great big air brick in there

and a gap with a...

Oh, no.

Oh, there you are.

I left Christine in in case anybody else called.

What's going on?

It's Ben. We're not sure where he is.

Why didn't you tell me?

You've had other things on your mind.

Go back and I'll be there in a little while.

God, you're not even thinking about this.

lunch or went to work or picked up his parts or rang his best friend.

Oh, no.

What happened to him? I don't know, but I'm getting more and more worried about

it.

He really did...

Wait till she starts dating.

They can come home with anybody, you know.

Nerds, psychopaths, young conservatives.

I'll take her to the police station.

What I should have done in the first place.

Rona, you may find this amazing, but getting stuck under the floorboards is

quite typical of the things kids get up to.

You just never know what's coming next.

I know.

Even that I could cope with, but... One day there's going to be the real

disaster when she's grown up.

The day she asks for her birth certificate.

And she'll have to find out I've been lying to her.

Just like my own mother did to me.

You never really get used to being somebody else.

Anyway.

Say bye -bye to Auntie Bill.

Bye -bye.

You'd better get back and see where Ben is.

Ben! Oh, my God. Can you manage?

Yes, I can manage.

I'll keep you posted.

I tried to talk her out of it, but she said someone had to do something to find

her father.

Oh, no.

Oh, if only he hadn't started this stupid obsession about his age.

She'd be traipsing around for hours.

I mean, he could be anywhere.

I mean, if he really has disappeared, there's no way on earth you'll find him

now.

to a dog.

treat when he does what you want Ben sometimes gives him chocolate

You get the chocolate when you find Ben.

Find Ben.

Come on.

The pet shop?

Harry, why have you brought us to the...

You tell me I'm too young.

That you are just an infatuation.

But that's not true.

You say you found the one. The one that changes our situation.

And so we're through.

I've seen you together.

Just like lovers.

Honesty.

What else can he give you?

I think it's back to normal.

It's just a word.

It's a state of mind.

It's just a matter of time.

It's a calendar page.

It's just a word.

I'm begging you to stay.

Don't take another one for your true love.

Leaving me.

Or I will turn away and find an older girl for my new life.

I gotta tell you something, baby. I'm so into you.

Now, looking into your eyes, I'm mesmerized. And I can tell deep down

great divide.

My love for you transcends all time. You'd think I'm just a kid, but I know

own mind. This ain't about a new man who's so mature.

But my love for you is worth a whole lot more.

I see you with a baby and it's tearing me apart.

I want to be with you. I want a place in your heart. So just give me a chance.

And soon you'll see when we get together later, you're the one for me.

It's just a matter of time.

It's a calendar's page.

It's just a word.

It's a state of mind.

It's just a matter of time.

It's a calendar's page.

It's just a word.

It's a state of mind.

It's just a matter of time.

It's a calendar's page.

It's just a word.

It's a state of mind. It's just a matter of time.

It's a calendar's page.