Original subtitles

Benvenuto a Londra.

Benvenuto a Londra. I thought the whole point of him coming here was to speak

English.

I am trying to make him feel at home, just because you can't speak a word of

Italian.

Excuse me.

What lovely.

Don't stick your chewing gum on the toilet seat.

It's written on the wall of the hospital when we're out there on a school

geography trip.

Why do I always get the salt straw?

Jamie Harrison gets some aged tennis player from Milan, and I get the train

spotter.

You are David?

Fabrizio. Sorry, we were looking for someone glasses.

Now I have lentils.

This is Mum.

Benvenuto a Londra.

Grazie, signora.

And that's it.

Is it possible you excuse me one moment, please?

Is that

your friend?

No, I met her just now in customs.

Hang on a minute.

What's that smell?

Cholesterol.

Not for either of you. It's for Fabrizio. You're there. I'll bring your

flakes through in a minute.

That's discrimination.

It's called looking after our guests. He's probably never had a full English

breakfast before.

Neither have we.

And look at the pair of you, honestly.

Bob Geldof makes more of an effort.

Someone's been in the bathroom for the past hour.

Is he still in there? What's he doing?

Snooker's training a dolphin, by the sound of it.

Well, it's nice to have someone around the house that laughs. You take the

in their appearance.

Good morning.

Hello, Fabrizio. How are you feeling?

Oh, I am very exciting.

I see.

Well, come and sit down. You're here.

Did you sleep all right?

No. Oh?

I hear a sound in the night.

It wakes me up. What sort of sound?

It's like a...

squeaking.

Squeaking?

Let's see. He's in Jen's room, which is next to yours.

Did you two hear a mouse? No, not at all.

Would you like a... How did the... Squeaking love.

Only two, three minutes.

Come on, it was at least half an hour.

Can we change the subject?

Well, Fabrizio, what do you think of London so far?

I think London is very... Ah.

Depressing and... Oogly?

Oogly?

Well, it's right, really, when you come to think of it. I mean, you fly into

Heathrow, what's the first thing you see?

Us.

He'd panel the M4 in an hour at Quick Fit, fitting a new exhaust.

Hang on, mate.

I'll point you to that new B &Q and the Peugeot dealership at the end of North

Circular.

David, you'd better show him some of the sights today.

Don't worry. I've got the whole programme worked out.

And it's not to include Brentford Bowles, Sega World or Burger King.

Show him some of our heritage.

What, you mean all the boring stuff?

Well, if it wasn't boring, it wouldn't be our heritage.

So what's your dad do then, Fabrizio?

My father, he's, uh... Just give us a rough idea.

Who's the beefcake?

He's 18.

All right, real men.

This is Fabrizio.

Rona. No, Napoli.

It's my name.

Rona lives over the road.

That's good. Very good.

With her boyfriend.

Do I? Oh, yes.

He's called Tony. He's very jealous.

No, he's a pussycat, actually.

Come into the kitchen. I'll give you something to dull your senses.

What? Our instant coffee.

So what did you come over for?

Oh, that.

Well, it's almost exactly three years to the day since I first asked Tony for a

sample of his sperm.

Doesn't time fly when you're in love?

What? I want to do something really special for the anniversary.

Try and get some of the romance back.

Where did Ben last take you for a romantic outing?

Chessington. Fourteen goes on Rameth's revenge, followed by an intimate lunch

Rocky Raccoon's Rib Shack.

Is it possible you hit me? I always have cappuccino.

Cappuccino? Right, fine, no problem.

Oh, and my shirt in my suitcase.

Is it possible you... Iron, I see.

I collect this afternoon, please.

Oh, right.

What would you do in Italy for a special romantic anniversary?

Ah, a beautiful restaurant.

The best wine, the best food, most important, music.

Oh, right.

When was the last time you had sex?

Good. Well, there you are then. You go back up there and I'll bring you a

cappuccino when it's ready.

Since you asked, it was last night.

Last night?

It's better to do in the morning. You know, when you wake up, when the body is

fresh.

Then, every day.

Any chance for a bit of bread to dip in his egg?

In your dreams? Don't say we should have sex every morning.

Si.

Listen, you've got to cook breakfast. I wouldn't push it.

Excuse me, is it possible you make more frothy for me?

You want it more frothy?

Frothy.

Well, it'll have to wait till I've finished ironing your shirt.

You know, you are very beautiful.

For your age.

In my part of Italy, so many women, once they have children, they... How you

say? They give up on life, they become old.

You must not, eh?

Well, I was going to a whiff drive at the Derby and Joan Club later, but

I'll give it a miss after all.

Evening, Fabrizio.

Evening, Mr Porter.

He's done it again.

What? He's got my chair.

He's on the sofa.

He's got my bit in the sofa.

What's it at the other end, then? He's got the best view of the telly. He's got

a coffee table in front of you.

He's got your remote controls on the right -hand side and your left -hand

straight to fish out the popcorn from underneath the cushions.

He's been hogging it all week.

And he's had the toilet.

Oh, I know how to get rid of him.

I'll get out the England v Italy football tape.

His little eyes will light up. He'll get up to put it in the machine and bam,

I'm in there.

I'm finding strange but true.

We've got an Italian who's not interested in football.

Oh, calm down. He's only here till Sunday.

Oh, I get it.

What? He's been buttering you up, hasn't he?

They've got nothing to do with it, although I must admit it was a very

surprise. He went all the way to 9 Elmstead, though.

Oh, I don't know. Frothy cappuccinos, shirt, fried breakfast. Next thing you

know, you'll be giving him breakfast in bed.

the weather this morning, so I... Oh, look, the sofa's free.

Don't want it now.

Where's he gone, anyway?

That is just superhuman. If I took the car, I'd get microwaved. Well, that's

He's gone too far. I mean, that is the lion in the sand.

Machina bellissima. Beautiful car.

Now, listen here, Fabrizio. And I make full tank and full body wax.

Eh? Oh, right. And I tune engine. It'll go better now, eh?

Oh. You were saying?

Oh, it's all right to take half?

David tell me it's OK.

What? Machina stupenda.

I didn't.

I said any time you want to go for a drive, you can ask.

I didn't mean he could drive.

Oh, well, there's obviously been a misunderstanding. Let's drop it. How is

sightseeing? Well, we saw the changing of the guard.

Is okay.

Westminster Abbey is okay.

Not interested.

What about the Tower of London? He prefers Tower Records.

I just think he wants to go shopping.

Please, is there a problem?

Fabrizio, be honest. Has it all been a bit boring for you so far?

Well, you'll find it under Y.

Yes, but...

It's not your fault.

David showed me many nice things, but it's a bit old -fashioned, touristy.

would you prefer, Fabrizio?

I want to experience cool London.

Why don't you stuff a cornetto down your trousers?

Maybe tomorrow we go out again together, and I make a plan.

Oh, great.

But can I bring my girlfriend along?

You have a girlfriend?

Excellent.

Ta -da!

Oh, that's nice. Bung them over there.

I wouldn't want to wait at the Texaco garage for them.

Oh, no, don't. Oh, come here. Oh, Ben, no!

Oh, it's all right when he does it. No, it's not that. It's just I was scooping

a bit of fat out of the waste disposal.

Hulk Hogan T -shirt with a bit of congealed pizza.

We went to Bond Street, Fabrizio knew his shop and got them to open a credit

card account for me.

A credit card account?

It's OK.

Got to label to pay. Let's go.

Hi, Maxine.

I feel a lot of tension in the astral plane.

There's quite a lot in the living room as well.

Fabrizio!

This is my girlfriend, Maxine. I told you about her.

Maxine. I feel we have met before.

Quite possibly, were you ever in ancient Egypt.

I would travel to the ends of the earth for such a beautiful woman.

My God, she smiles.

Come on, we'd better go.

Just a minute, what time is... You know, the way Fabrizio looked at Maxine took

me right back to Florida.

Florida? That alligator that kept watching our picnic.

You ring a bell?

What? We've got the place to ourselves.

So we have.

Good, it's eerie.

It's Alice, and it's free. Do you know what I want to do?

Stick your chewing gum to the toilet seat.

Sit down over there.

F. Scarpetta.

My God!

Viva Gold, Diners Club, Mastercard, Amex Platinum.

Just one, Carmen!

chocolate dream he's behind me

isn't he thank you very

much

It's late. You're in kind for live and kicking.

What time do you call this? It's nearly eight minutes past seven. Look, Mum,

there's a Londoner that doesn't sleep, you know. Yes, and it's been up all

wondering whether to take up smoking again.

Maxine, don't you think it's time you went home?

I was getting bad karma anyway.

Why then?

Where have you been? Everywhere.

Sonic Mook, Wawa, Psycho Bubble, Shinky Blinky.

Oh, God, you've been sniffing something.

Babble in car wash. They hold you with foam there.

They have clubs, Mrs Porter.

We've done it all, Mum.

Techno, flavour, jungle, garage, handbag house.

Handbag house?

Then we ended up at the screen machine.

What a sound system.

They say, if you stand in the right position long enough, your eardrums

Then we went to a transvestite club.

A what?

Excuse me, I think I go to bed now.

Yes, Fabrizio, you have a nice lie down.

Transvestite club?

Where men dress up as women?

No, the other way round.

Where men dress up as men?

The money I've been saving from the pizza round.

I'd have had more if I'd have chosen a 13.

What do you mean, chosen a 13?

Well, we went to a casino.

Actually, I waited outside while Fabrizio played for us.

He didn't seem to have trouble getting in.

But you were saving up for a new computer.

Yeah. Sad, isn't it?

I can't believe you've done this. All those months risking your neck in the

on that bike, blown in one night. Yes, blown in one night.

And you know what?

It was fantastic.

Know what Fabrizio taught me?

How to live for the moment.

And he's right.

I'm 17, for God's sake. I'm getting old.

And if I do get killed on my bike tomorrow delivering pizzas, what have I

show for it?

I've done nothing.

So thanks.

Thanks a bunch.

Does living for the moment include stealing other people's girlfriends?

She wasn't my type anyway.

Still engaged.

So, what's he going to do?

I don't know.

He's a guest in our house, but he's disrupting our entire family. Everything

touches seems to turn to terrible argument.

Well, I think you should give it to him straight.

He's obviously driving you mad. You can't let it build up. No, I think you

should just cool down and forget the whole thing. I mean, he's going home

tomorrow. What's the point?

Rubbish! You've got to lay down the law to people like that.

Best to let it lie.

Tony, he's driving her mad.

What's the sense of making it worse?

I don't get angry.

I am not getting angry.

Yes, you are. Who are you?

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, I'm not. You are.

Do you see what we're doing? Before I mentioned Fabritio, you were about to

organise a romantic dinner.

Sorry. Where are you going, anyway?

Mario's, you know, one of the high street.

Rona likes the waiter with the pepper grinder.

I'll give him another try.

I'm sure you'll be all right. Yes, I've worked it all out. I've just got time to

get to the lock -up, mix the sponge mixes and get them all cooked before tea

time. Thanks.

I'm due at the hairdresser's at 12 and being touched up by Noel. Oh, you'll be

the only woman who ever has been. Don't worry. I've just got enough time to do

it all comfortably.

Please, can you take this for dry clean and back by five at latest?

Should I do it? No, I'll do it. But when I get back, I... I think I'll have to

have a few words with Master Fabrizio Scarpetta.

No, Bill!

Bill, wait!

Oh, hell.

He's just handed me these.

I mean, look at them. They've been dead too long. What am I supposed to do with

them? It's only in me if we don't get through to Mario's restaurant soon.

Mario's in High Street?

Yeah, we're trying to book a table there for this evening.

They're probably busy serving lunch.

I'll book you one more, will you?

Mr. Porter, maybe this is not a good idea. Oh, think of it as a last -day

We'll get a bit homesick now, and then this will buck you up. Ah, good day,

Hello. First of all, I'd like to book a table for two of my friends for tonight.

Ah, yes.

And this is a friend of mine from Naples. Please, Mr. Porter.

What's he saying? I think he confused me with someone else.

Well, I mean, I don't know if I look like a picture of your dad up there.

Madonna. No, it's nothing like her.

Arrosto di maiale? Arrosto di maiale!

Gamberi? Gamberi! No, no, I'm not hungry, please.

Cosa facciamo a fare per voi?

Facciamo tutto! We do anything! Anything, eh?

Per il figlio del ragno non c 'è niente impossibile.

You say Rona come here tonight?

Beh,

ci sarebbe in effetti una cosa.

Sono due amici miei che vengono a mangiare questa sera. Può fare per loro

tavola speciale?

And maybe some music.

Ah, music.

Yes, of course.

Aragosta.

Cumbery.

So, you know it, don't you?

You don't know?

He's known in all of Italy.

Yeah, well, he hasn't been in Chiswick lately, so fill me in, eh? You haven't

heard of Giovanni Scarpetta?

They tried to kidnap his son last year.

Kidnap? Yes, Scarpetta. He's the boss, il capo. Number one.

You have a nickname.

Irrano. The spider.

Number one. The boss.

Stomping. No, no, no, no. Please, don't say anything. Otherwise...

rats and the best of squiggly diddly.

Oh dear, the picture quality's not that good.

I've got to have a look at the heads. Oh, there we go.

It's very kind of you.

Hello, Fabrizio.

Mrs. Porter, is it possible tomorrow you wake me at half past six?

Also, I would prefer not to fry breakfast because I'll be sick in the

Maybe just some yoghurt.

Like boiled?

And is it possible you make the soldiers?

Fabrizio. Oh, and Gina's tonight. What is?

Now, listen to me. I don't know what sort of family you come from, but us

humble, God -fearing peasants here in Chiswick do boring things like play fair

and work hard to put their kids through college so they can earn an honest

living. And I will not have that derailed by some aspiring Casanova who

around more plastic than Pamela Anderson.

Now, I don't mind ironing your shirt. starching your cuffs and sprinkling

on your cappuccino. But what I do mind is seeing my son goaded into behaving

irresponsibly, having his trust abused and his girlfriend swiped from under his

nose. Now, if you want 24 -hour room service, you can check into the Park

building. In fact, for dinner here tonight, there is zero, zut, niente,

I've been working hard all day and the kitchen staff are on strike.

And what are you doing? Nothing.

Right, let's lay out the way. Why don't I pop down the Tiger Lily and get us a

king prawn satay and some noodles?

Finn! Maybe if you're... I said something earlier. I... Well, I'm saying

something now.

I... I think I must go now.

Right. Well done. Get packing. What are you talking about?

I know it is. Whose father is?

Who? Oh, come on, Bill. The money, the clothes, the casinos.

His family name's Skullpetter. They all knew him down at the restaurant. There's

a whacking great picture of Popper on the wall. They're all in awe of him.

who is he?

How many more clues do you need?

His dad's the spider.

Marlon Brando with a mouthful of marshmallows.

Sugar!

What are you two doing?

That friend of yours you've been going round with for the past week, do you

who that is?

much to say thank you to mr and mrs porter we have oysters and pig's head

don't worry we can always have seconds and we have music

you want to take you back to the restaurant well we're in the party mood

aren't we rona come on i think we should go inside and check

You will say goodbye to Mr and Mrs Porter for me, won't you?

I'm sorry they're still so angry.

Oh, I'm sure they'll be all right by now. Thank you so much for last night.

Did you, er... Well, actually, we, erm... C 'est lente.

Ciao, Luna.

Oh, yeah.

Uncle Tony as well, eh?

This is fine.

Thank you.

That'll be terminal two.

Fabrizio Scarpetta.

Oh, please.

Odd label. I should have changed.

Scarpetta.

No relation to Giovanni Scarpetta. My father.

You're the son of Scarpetta?

The spider?

The Juventus goalkeeper?

Yes. Well, please.

I don't want any trouble.

I'm not surprised.

You saved two penalties.

Stopped us getting into the finals.

Where are they?

I think I heard a car leaving.

That's what they want us to think.

I want to go to the toilet.

She'll be safe by next Thursday.

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