Original subtitles

Excuse me, sir.

What?

Could you spare just a few moments?

Why? Well, I'm trying to randomly pick someone for a survey.

Oh, yeah? You have to be a C2, skilled manual worker.

When? And most important of all, you have to be married with two children,

boy, one girl.

That's right.

Oh, well, that's exactly what I'm looking for, Mr... Poulter. Ben Poulter.

Ben Poulter. Butter, congratulations.

You are completely and absolutely average.

Come this way.

the UEA? I think you should only be using it if you really love the young

and you're sure he loves you.

You know perfectly well it's a university.

Oh, university.

All that booze and sex and learning.

Lots and lots of learning.

I wish I'd been able to go.

Do you?

Yes.

The one chance you get in life to spend three or four years being wild and

stupid and sexually irresponsible.

Without having to become President of the United States.

final yet where she's going?

No, but she's looking at brochures for new castle and home.

She'll have to leave the nest sometime, Bill. I know, and every parent wants

their children to go into the world and achieve great things.

Well, I'm sure she will.

But can't she do it closer?

Bill! David!

Come on, I want to do this!

You'll never guess just what's happened. The most fantastic thing.

Jonathan Ross has taken a vow of silence.

Better than that.

We have been specially selected to participate in a series of clinical

trials.

We have been specially selected to participate... We heard you the first

We just didn't believe you. Oh, God, you've been talking to the woman with

scarf, haven't you?

The market research woman in the shopping precinct, she always wears a

round her neck, tries to nab everyone.

People have been known to hurl themselves under shopping trolleys to

Avoid? Why?

Because once she's got hold of you, you can't get away.

She dragged a friend of Tony's off once to taste something. They came back a

vegetarian. She's a menace, Ben.

No, she isn't. You don't understand. We exactly fit her profile of the

completely average family.

How wonderful.

In fact, we are one of the most average families she's ever found.

Don't you realise what that means?

What? It means we're important.

How? Because we're so average.

You've got a tiny speaker in Jake Klinger's toolbox to make him think his

spanners were talking to him. What's average about that?

Well, it's a question of statistics.

You see, everybody else has some little deviation from the absolute norm that

makes them distinctive.

But not us.

I don't want to be average.

I want to be interesting.

No, you don't understand.

We, us, are the chosen representatives of the average British family.

What the nation does today... We do tomorrow.

No, it's the other way round.

But that's what we've got important work to do. What important work?

Testing things.

What is all that junk?

This is not junk. This is exciting test merchandise in the forefront of modern

progressive marketing.

Drool.

Yeah. Well, I haven't got some of the names right yet, but you can take that

if you like. Oh, thanks.

All right, let's see what else we've got. Oh, it's all rubbish, Ben.

Oh, you'd say that now, but look at this stuff.

Parmesan -flavoured toothpaste.

Chocolate -covered junior aspirin.

And from the USA, I can't believe it's not lard.

Oh, God bless America.

You may all mock.

Don't worry, we will.

But mark my words, you'll be thanking me for all this stuff by tonight.

Okay, right, so... Second child.

David. What? Have you had the madras scratchings? Not since I used the

ointment.

Can I remind everybody that this is vitally important work on behalf of the

nation?

Now let's continue in a more professional manner.

things I'm already feeling sick.

That's the price we have to pay to become important opinion makers.

So how would you describe the taste then?

What?

I'd describe it as exactly the taste you'd expect from a product called

nuts.

And which did you prefer, the brie hazels or the gorgonzola pecans?

That's so difficult, it's like choosing between the electric chair and a lethal

injection. Oh, the second one.

Right.

Now, first child, would you be more or less likely to buy them if they were

renamed cheese o -nuts?

How should I know? I've lost the will to live.

No box for that. I'll put you down as a don't know.

OK, Paul family, if cheesy nuts were a breed of dog, which breed would they be

and why?

OK, next product.

Oh, what is it this time?

Only another first that we are privileged to sample on behalf of the

You've heard of Alco Pops? Oh, yeah, booze that tastes like soft drinks.

Someone did mention them to me.

Well, these...

are Alco crisps. They sound disgusting.

They come in three mouth -watering flavours, salt and vodka, cheese and

calvados, and this delicious flavour, Guinness and crispy bacon.

Try one.

Don't bother.

Anyway, plenty more questions to answer.

Are we all thankful enough to have that pot paella for tea?

Yeah, and get the Spanish Inquisition tomorrow morning, I should say.

Very witty.

Did you sign up to test everything the scarf woman had?

Of course not. Not everything.

They'd run out of the musical incontinence pads.

I don't even want to think about that, thank you very much.

What do they play?

Singing in the rain. No, don't talk about that.

All right, let's forget all about cheesy nuts and Alcochrist and move on to

something you'll enjoy more.

Like sticking my head in a bucket of Swarfiga.

No more prune -flavoured snacks or pig's trotter puffs. Only the creamy,

delicious taste of... a drool bar.

Why don't we go back to Rona? There's a whole box of them. Who's going to go

first? Not me.

David? Jed?

You go first.

No, you go on.

Well, it looks all right. Come on, come on.

What's it like?

It's nice.

Ooh, very nice.

What? What's that?

Mm. Why, Mum? I don't think so.

Mm. It's really quite good. Go on, Mum. No, thank you. I don't think I'd like

it. I don't think I'd like it.

The same way I know I wouldn't enjoy a sex romp with Bernard Matthews.

How are we supposed to be the opinion formers of the nation if you won't try

something that's new?

I will try something that's new.

You were the last person in the street to buy a microwave.

I just didn't see how a lamb chop could be cooked by radio waves.

Except Melody Radio, when it could be bored to a crisp.

Don't fancy chocolate on top of all those other things. That's nice.

Do you want another one? Please.

Oh,

Mum, I think you're really going to like it. They're the best thing we've had

this evening. Go on!

Oh, all right. I'll take it to the kitchen and have it later.

Hang on. There's a lot more questions to answer.

From now on, you're just getting my name, rank and Tesco card number.

You can't just leave in the middle of the trial. There's more to do.

I've had it. Enough of this average family thing, and I'm not answering any

of those stupid questions.

Understand? Yes, I understand.

Good.

So, would you say that you're, A, extremely pissed off, B, very pissed

C, quite pissed off?

I'll get one for you.

Hey, love.

Thank you, David. That's very nice of you. Not at all.

You're all in a very good mood.

Why shouldn't we be?

I think you've all had quite enough chocolate for one evening.

All right?

Yeah, well, maybe we have had enough.

Right, there you are.

What do you fancy for breakfast?

Nothing. Nothing?

I just don't feel like having anything this morning. Is that all right?

Oh, how about you?

I'm still full up from all those cheesy nuts.

You only had two?

Yes, but they're the snack... thinks it's a meal.

I've got eggs and sausages.

Sorry, I'm totally full up.

Well, at least your father always enjoys his Sunday breakfast.

Morning.

Eggs and sausages, all right?

I'm not very hungry.

Sorry, I don't think I understand you. No eggs and sausages for me. I'm

Well, that could be arranged.

I can't help it.

Right, that settles it. I'm going to get rid of all this stuff before...

Which were they again? I thought you had lots of them. All right, all right.

Don't get your knickers in a twist. I know there were a lot there, but...

taking all the drool bars?

Don't look at me. I haven't even tried the one I kept yet.

Right. Nobody move!

Now, I don't want to point the finger or get heavy -handed and moralistic about

it, but somebody's taken my drool bars.

Your drool bars.

I thought we were all testing them.

Yeah, well...

Some of us are testing them more than others.

Now, come on, who's had them?

Well, I might have had a couple during the night.

And I came back down again.

I might have got the nibbles a bit.

Got the nibbles a bit?

There were 36 of these in here last night. Oh, well, you seem to know a lot

about them. Yeah. How many did you have during the night? One or two.

Ten or 11 more, like. No wonder you're all full up.

Yeah, but how are we supposed to test them if we don't have enough?

Right, I've had enough of this. Sit back down at the table. Go on.

to make them last sensibly because when they're gone they're gone

they're gone

I'm tidying up.

Tidying up?

Tidying up?

I'm sorry, but no wife of mine has any business tidying up on a Sunday

afternoon. What?

Go and put your feet up. Go on, I'll do the tidying up.

You've been buying me surprise underwear from that shop again, haven't you? I

told you before, if God had meant knickers to be edible, they'd be in the

department at Marks and Spencer.

No, I'm honest, I mean it. Go on, you go and put your feet up.

It's very nice of you. Thank you very much.

I think I was just looking for the tea. I thought you might like some.

I think you might find it in that jar.

The one marked tea.

Tea?

Do you keep the tea in a jar that says tea?

Yes, why shouldn't I?

Well, it's the first place the burglars will look.

Ben, are you feeling quite all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I was thinking...

with a scarf.

Is she at the shopping centre every day?

Yes, word pluck.

What, in the same place?

Usually, yes.

God, scandalous, isn't it, eh? She stands there every day, picking on

giving them chocolate.

Except some days, of course.

Except some days, obviously.

Obviously.

Where does she go on Sundays, eh? I don't know. Back to the mothership,

ask me.

The mothership. All right.

Very good.

round to Rona's, OK?

Hi.

Hi. Have you still got that bar of chocolate Glenn gave you, the new one?

The dribble bar?

Yes. You haven't eaten it, have you? I know the slightest whiff of chocolate

brings out my... Skin allergy?

Even when I was still at school.

Once I had a love bite, so I had to tell Sister Virtue I'd just had a Malteser.

How very convenient.

Not really. She disapproved of foreigners.

Ah, here it is.

Thought Tony might have had it for a moment. Just as well he didn't. Why?

I don't know.

There's something very strange about these.

Strange? What do you mean?

I'm not sure.

I can't quite put my finger...

All right, how's it going?

Well, I've only been decapitated twice, but the torture meister did rip out my

still -beating heart and put it in a blender, so... You're winning?

Yeah.

How long you had this game for, then? You gave it to me for my birthday four

months ago.

Die, screaming punk!

Four months, eh?

Four months!

Think of all the advances in video game technology there have been in the last

four months. Like what?

Well, like three -dimensional...

graphical imaging, rendering, and stuff.

Stuff. Oh, amazing advances.

I mean, this game's like, oh, it's from the dark ages. It's pretty jurassic.

You really think so?

These dismembered limbs look pretty realistic.

Well, maybe they did four months ago, but now they're like... I'll

tell you what. Look, here's a tenner.

Why don't you go out and get yourself Tomb Raider 3?

It's just as good as Tomb Raider 1 and 2, but now they've managed to make Lara

Croft's virtual T -shirt even tighter.

That is 40 quid.

40 quid? Yeah.

Look at the price. It's so much better than this one.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, go on, then.

What, now?

Yeah, they'll be walking out the shops on their own. That really is a

breakthrough in technology.

No, no, no, you don't know. That's a really, really bad idea.

Now, what you want to do is forget about your maths. I've always said no good

can come from mathematics.

No, you don't. You always say, if I don't do my maths, I'll end up selling

big issue.

Yeah.

Yeah, I do say that, don't I?

But only when I'm lying.

Don't take no notice of anything I say, ever. That's it for now.

Go on. All right.

See you later.

What? Nothing.

Oh. Only, I think it looks good.

What does this old shirt?

No, your new look.

What new look?

Your new look. You look so well.

Well? What do you mean I look well?

Just well, you know.

Healthy.

Sturdy.

Solid.

Solid? Are you saying I'm fat?

No, no, no, not fat, not as such. Just a bit curvier.

Curvia? Yeah, like Kate Winslet.

Oh, Kate Winslet, Kirby.

Yeah. Right, well, that's it. I'm laying off of chips and takeaway... And all

cocoa -based products.

Yeah.

Oh, I get it.

Nice try.

But my drawbar's staying right here with me, thank you very much. Suit yourself.

It's your body.

You're going to have to try a lot harder than that, David Porter.

Sorbitol. A six -carbon sugar alcohol occurring naturally in fruit can

cause flatulent diarrhea and abdominal distension.

E -903.

E -903.

Carnauba wax.

Glazing and polishing agent for sugar confectionery. Adverse effects to none

known. There you are, you see. Could be that.

There's none known.

They might not know about them yet.

They know about the flatulence and the diarrhoea.

Well, that's hardly surprising.

That's the last one.

What exactly do you think is wrong with these bars?

I don't know, really. They just seem to like them a lot.

Why don't you taste it?

Taste it?

Perhaps they're just lovely chocolate and really nice to eat.

Yes.

Oh, you're right.

That's what worries me.

What? They could be too nice.

Too nice?

Yes. How can something be too nice?

Things that are too nice aren't always good for you. Like what?

Anthea Turner.

Oh.

streets a week.

A Cliff Richard triple album. It'd be ridiculous.

That's why I'm going to have to stop the meeting anymore.

I can't say. Well, somebody's got to. We can't just go with the flow like you.

It's better than being a control freak.

Are you saying that I'm a control freak?

Only if you'll let me.

Somebody's got to take responsibility for things.

Do you think I like being the one who always has to say no?

Yes. What?

I've told everyone what to do about it.

I do not. Yes, you do, and now you're going to make them stop eating drool

just because you're convinced they enjoy them too much.

Am I?

Look, they'll have eaten the last few by tonight. The whole thing will be over.

What have you got to worry about?

Yes, you're right.

I'm probably overreacting.

I'm just getting some off the carpet.

I can't believe this is happening.

What's that noise?

So, that is, in fact, the very last of the drool baths.

Yes.

Nobody's hiding any more of them anywhere?

No.

So that's an end to it.

Now, I want you all to promise me that starting tomorrow, you'll forget all

about that dangerous chocolate.

Promise.

Excuse me. Could you spare just a few moments of your time?

Excuse me. Could you spare a few moments of your time?

Excuse me. Could you spare just a few moments?

We are not allowed to approach her.

She has to randomly select us.

So... We've got to attract her attention, right? Right.

Right.

Operation Cocoa Bean is a go.

This isn't working.

She's still not noticing us.

What we need is something a bit more... subtle.

That should do it.

Just a minute.

What on earth do you think you're doing?

Nothing.

Have we?

No.

Then what are you doing with that axe through your head?

What axe?

You couldn't be trusted.

You're just trying to get that woman to notice you, aren't you? So she'll give

you more drool bars.

No.

Take it off. I've had enough of this. Hang on, where are you going? It's about

time we found out what's going on here. No, no, no, no, you can't just walk up

to them and speak to them. Excuse me?

Yes, dear? Are you still handing out drool bars to the unsuspecting public?

Oh, no, there aren't any more.

What? The manufacturer withdrew them over the weekend. They've all been

Pulped?

Why have they been pulped?

I'm afraid there was some kind of problem with them. There was some slight

concern that they might have adverse effects on psychologically susceptible

people.

But you handed a whole box of them to us.

You have the product for testing?

Yes.

If you just come along, ladies and gentlemen.

and some more of that chocolate, though, somehow.

You heard her. There isn't another single bar.

Apart from the one we gave Rona.

Yeah.

What are we going to tell her? We want the full bar. No, we can't say that.

But we do.

She mustn't know we're desperate.

I'm not desperate.

Hello!

You're not desperate as much as we do.

I am not. I can take it all in.

Brings her out in blotches.

Anyway, she's obviously not in.

You're right.

I have to break in.

Just a minute!

Put that down.

Mum. What happened to you?

I have just been taken to a medical room where nurses were instructed to remove

every trace of drool bar from my body.

How? You don't want to know.

Why would they do that?

Haven't you noticed?

The chocolate in them is so delicious, they're psychologically addictive.

Addictive? Can't be.

Oh, no? Haven't you all realised what you've been doing?

What? What?

You've been lying to each other, cheating, going to any lengths to get

if it can happen to us, it can happen to anyone.

We're the average family, remember?

Yeah, terrible, terrible. Have you got Rona's spare key? Never mind about

spare key.

All three of you going back inside the house and staying there until you don't

want another drool bar.

Yeah, but... Inside...

hear about