Original subtitles

You could be skiing in the mountains two hours later, swimming in the Pacific.

Avocados in the back garden.

My brother said we can stay at his house.

It'll be OK until we get fixed up.

Anything's better than this dump of a country.

Well, what am I going to do with those Lindisfarne tickets?

I've got a load of washing for the laundrette.

I can't go and leave Mum just like that.

Bill.

I'm asking you to marry me.

Yes, I know.

Malcolm, I need time to think.

It's all so sudden.

This is the moment that'll decide everything.

That'll be five quid, please, darling.

Get up, I can manage.

Thanks for doing the dishes.

Thanks for hanging up the washing.

By the way, when I said take the rubbish out, dumping it on the floor is not

quite what I had in mind.

I asked you, Walter.

Oh, what's the use?

Is everything all right?

Yes, it's wonderful.

Oh, OK.

And the subtitles, for those of the hard -of -thinking reads, know it bloody

well isn't. I left this house clean and tidy two hours ago, and I'd come back to

find this room, which would look better if I'd got Chumbawamba round to trash

it.

Well, I was going to do it in a minute. In a minute.

Tomorrow.

When the Teletubbies have elocution lessons.

Oh, what?

Well, why didn't you then?

All the things to do.

And who's been sticking to the phone?

Oh, actually, you.

Right. Somebody phoned for you yesterday.

Well, thanks for telling me.

It's blank.

Didn't have a pen.

I see.

Um... Do I get to know who it is? Are you saving that till tomorrow?

Hang on, hang on.

Malcolm, someone.

I don't know anyone called Malcolm. Said he was over on business from the

States. Got the number from your mum.

Malcolm?

Malcolm Walker?

Yeah, that's it. He said he popped round this afternoon.

He's coming here? When?

Half past four.

Oh, God!

Who's Malcolm?

If you might know, he's an old boyfriend.

Ooh!

What do you mean, ooh? It was ages ago.

Yeah, your mum was entitled to a pass, you know. Malcolm!

Keep her time, Malcolm!

Arrival.

Just getting a little bit hot under the collar.

Hot under the collar. Look at this.

What do I have to be worried about from that?

There's no denying these two. Hi.

And you must be Ben.

Thought I'd drop in out of the blue like this.

Hope I'm not keeping you from anything.

Gladiators, but we're taping it.

So, you're an old flame then? Oh, Jenny, Malcolm and I are old friends.

Come on, Bill, no need to be coy.

We nearly got married.

Right, well, that was great. Next time you're passing through London.

Married? Yeah, I wanted to go to California.

Bill didn't.

You turned down California. You're mad.

Well, I was worried about leaving Mum.

You could have bonged her in a home.

She was 45.

Look, if this is a bit awkward, maybe I shall... No, no, no way.

Any ex -fiancé of Bill's who went off to America wearing a kipper tie 20 years

ago and then comes back a rich and successful businessman, much to

surprise, I don't mind.

What are you all standing around here for? Let's sit down.

You know, I remember that last dinner we had together as if it was yesterday.

Remember the blizzard?

And we drank Bacardi and Coke.

Remember the plumber with the cleavage?

Oh, uh, we could just do a little thing.

A watch?

Ah, it's also a recorder for memos.

Hello, sucker, guess what I'm doing tonight?

Press that.

Hello, sucker, guess what I'm doing tonight?

No question.

You can't give us all that, will you? Yes, you can.

Right, well, shall we have some tea?

I'd love to, but promise me one thing.

You won't let me bore you with all my stories.

Promise?

Suddenly, there's a massive splash.

I go running out on the balcony, and there, in the swimming pool, is a fully

clothed Kevin Costner.

He looks up at me and says, Malky, I thought the Waterworld auditions were

next Tuesday.

Come on, then. Let's take more photos.

Oh, no, you don't want to see any more. Oh, yes, we do. Oh, no, you don't. We

do. No, we don't.

One photo, please, Malky.

OK.

This is the view from my bedroom balcony. That is the whole of the

Hills.

That's my house right there, just under the ollie at the time.

And that is the view from my main window.

Oh, why can't we have a view like that?

If you stand on the chest in David's room, you can see the Hammersmith

Should I?

Well, that's enough of me going on and on.

Don't worry about Ben. He gets ratty on days he hasn't been on the swing.

I'd better be going.

No doubt Ben's got all sorts of plans for you tonight.

Oh, yes, a mega -bucket from Kentucky Fried Chicken, wasn't it?

And a game of Kaplunk, if you please.

So, how long are you in London for?

Till Friday.

We're launching our latest software.

There's up to Scotland to catch up on some golf for the weekend.

And I'm to Paris.

Right.

What are you doing this week?

Apart from work. Oh, doing the VAT, clearing the drain cover, trying to fish

arthritis bangle out of the waste disposal.

No time for lunch?

Sorry.

Just got the fold drawn by myself, then.

So you're never married?

You're a tough act to follow, Bill.

And Kevin Costner lived next door.

And Arnold Schwarzenegger shared a flat with Batman across the road.

And Donald Duck ran the corner shop.

Yeah, well, we've got famous people here in Chiswick, you know. Oh, yeah.

There's a woman down the road who's got a friend whose cousin's Reg Varney's

dentist.

Are you still out there? What's going on?

Nothing.

You do? I don't. You do? I don't. You still fancy him, I

can tell.

Well, OK, I might still have a bit of a soft spot.

I knew it!

Rona, I said a soft spot. We're not talking nine and a half weeks.

Not any more, anyway.

Still presses all the right buttons. No!

I haven't forgotten the old pin number. Look, just forget about Malcolm, will

you? I will if you will. Rona, I'm telling you, if your phone rang right

it was him asking me out, I'd say no.

Hello?

What?

Yes, it is.

Well, it's a bit sudden, but... All right, I will.

Yes. All right, then.

I did.

I just ordered 12 extra kilos of salami from the meat hole sale.

Oh, very funny.

Hello? Yes, Bill Porter, yes, she is. Who shall I say is calling?

It's him.

Hello?

Tomorrow?

I really don't think I can.

Look, I can't talk now. Maybe I'll call you back later.

All right.

Bye.

He just asked me away to Scotland for the weekend.

What? Oh, separate rooms, just as friends.

Oh!

Oh, it would have been lovely, wouldn't it?

Crackling fires, silver service meals, walks in the glen, someone to make your

bed, those tiny little soaps that you steal every day.

Why do you automatically say would have been?

Well, you wouldn't, would you? Why are you so certain of that?

Oh, you just wouldn't. You're a mother, you're sensible.

I see.

Well, say people are like cars. You know, I'm sort of a second -hand MG,

overheating, bit on the wild side, and... And I'm a full fiesta with one

owner. Yes, no, I mean... Apart from mine to go, I really have.

Really? Well, it's worse than ever at home.

They're all just so incapable of doing anything for themselves, and they're

turning me into a sour, tired, resentful, angry, hectoring old bat.

They're just being a bit thoughtless at the moment.

Why don't you sit them down, explain how you feel, and then tomorrow morning you

can have a nice lie -in and wake up to breakfast in bed.

going to give me breakfast in bed?

Oh, yeah.

Tell you what, you go back and I'll get you a burger.

Jenny, you said you were going to start on that ironing.

I'll do it later.

Hold this a sec.

It's been half an hour strapping yourself to a chimney, only to find out

need a Philips.

I know, I know. I said I was going to do it, but we've run out of Hoover bags.

And when I went down the high street to get some more, the bloke showed me this

new model. Look at that. giant screen surrounds our 97 satellite channels. And

we've got it on a free trial period until the end of April. Nothing to pay

then, subject to status.

Oh, and I forgot the Hoover bags.

Just a minute.

I can't believe you've done this. You know how I feel about those things.

Why didn't you consult me before you brought it into the house?

Well, you won't have to. This is exactly the sort of thing I was trying to

explain to you about last night. Don't you realise how it makes me feel?

I would like to feel valued in this house.

Valued? Well, you should have said.

I did try to drop a few hints.

Yeah, well, we're not very good at hints.

You know us. You really have to spell things out.

Spell it out? Yeah.

Right.

Let's go, okay?

I phoned Malcolm from upstairs. He's meeting me at the airport.

What are you going to tell Ben?

I really don't care.

Brilliant, it's me he's going to ask.

Tell him I'm staying with someone, one of my old school friends.

Lie to him?

Doesn't it feel like telling him the truth?

I'll lie to her, he'll be kinder.

Which of these old school friends are you staying with exactly?

What about that one up in Yorkshire, you know, with the funny leg?

Funny leg? Yes, you're always talking about her. She's got a husband who loves

Jonathan Ross and her son's in a mental hospital.

Gloria Connors?

Yeah. She's got a funny leg.

Made me laugh.

She seems to certainly like the shape of Diana Ross before.

She won't like that.

Spatter, anyway. What about her?

She's dead.

Oh, typical. Where is she when we need her?

Mary Binney, she'll do, lives in Hastings with yards of chintz and a sick

She's trying to get him to visit her for 15 years. Tell him it's her.

Bill, I hope you know what you're doing.

Relax. Nothing's going to happen. We're just old friends.

Oh, God.

Try the freezer. Sometimes it gets a load from there.

One haddock fillet.

What's happened?

What? Mum hasn't done the weekend shop.

She can't go away without doing the weekend shop.

Look, it's no problem. We can do it. Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, you sometimes go with her, don't you? Try and remember what she gets.

Yeah, well, I just pushed the trolley. She's bungled the stuff in.

Right.

We start off in the greeny vegetable -y bit. She puts a lot of stuff in now.

Then we go up to the warm bit.

Then it's the cold bit.

It's the very smelly bit where everyone wears white coats and we have to take a

ticket.

Then there's the bit with all the bottles.

Then we're at the checkout.

The trolley's full of stuff by now.

I have a cream egg from the sweet rack.

That's it.

Brilliant. What would we do without you?

I know.

Shall I ask Rona to do it? That's ridiculous.

Surely we can do our own shopping. Yeah, yeah, you're right. We're big boys now.

We can crack this one together.

Look, it's quite simple.

That one's 20 minutes at 180.

This one's 30 minutes at 170. Hang on, hang on.

20 at 180.

170 at...

30... 30 is 170.

Hang on a minute.

Our oven only goes up till 9.

That means it'll take... 20 and a half hours.

Of course, your gas. No, in that case, it's 20 for 9 or 30 for 7.

Don't you bet 7? That's a cricket score.

Oh, no, sorry, other way round. 7 for 30.

7 for 7 .30.

7 for 30.

Where's the baking tray?

No, it's all right around here. Look, you run along.

If I get into trouble, I'll just give Bill a ring.

Who's she staying with? Mary somebody?

Mary Binnie, but she's ex -directory. Well, you've got a number, haven't you?

No. Look, I've got to make your lunch for you.

All right.

Six, four, two, three, five, one.

Don't bring her.

I'll make all your meals.

All right.

Verona, I'm watching the golf.

You can't. What?

It's bad for your sight.

Aye? Yeah, apparently they've done a study. All that watching that little

flying... through the air can really put a strain on the retina. Mum!

You've got to get the decision right.

If he flies it over the top, he can run right through to the back of the green

if he... Dad, run, there's some food in there.

Mum!

Wait a minute, that's Scotland, isn't it? Isn't that Malcolm?

You told us he was in Hastings.

Well, there's nothing in it.

They're tucked up there as old friends, separate rooms.

It's all completely innocent, Ben.

Ben?

Hello, sucker. Guess what I'm doing tonight.

Hello, sucker.

Guess what I'm doing tonight.

Hello, sucker.

Guess what I'm doing tonight.

Hello, sucker. Guess what... Hello, sucker. Guess... Hello, sucker. Guess

I'm doing. Hello, sucker. Guess what I'm doing tonight. Here we are.

We don't want to be sitting in the dark getting depressed.

I know loads of girls have been away for weekends with guys just as friends and

thought nothing of it.

Well, not exactly loads, but at least one.

Actually, for the whole weekend. But it was dinner.

And nothing happened.

Well, not that night, anyway. But the point is, you can trust Bill.

It's just a weekend away.

Let her have a break for once.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Come on.

You've got to eat something.

You've got all these channels now. There must be something worth watching.

Today on Oprah, six wives who cheated on their husbands.

Soon, the defeated male slinks away to die while the

victorious alpha male prepares to mate with...

of television for one day.

Look, Rona, it's all right. I really don't mind what she's doing.

We found out what she's doing.

What do you mean?

We made a few calls from David Sassonet. They're at the Drummond Rocket Castle

Hotel. We've nailed their every move into sticking in. I don't want to know.

They are in two separate rooms. She's in 214 and he's in 457. That confirms.

Hey, what did I tell you?

However, according to the building plans we got from the hotel's website, room

214 is here and room 457 is here and can be reached by going down the fire

escape. Rusting the curtain and cutting through the kitchen.

Room 457, just for the record, is one of three bridal suites with the TV.

Well, that's probably enough to be going on for now. So far today, they've

watched the golf, gone to the swimming pool, had champagne cocktails in the

library, and at the moment they're having dinner together.

Shut up.

Thank you. Thank you.

I could get used to this.

Well, it wasn't always like this.

When I first arrived in the US, I found myself out on the street within a week.

I thought your brother said you could stay at his flat.

Yes, but he didn't tell me it was in an earthquake zone.

I came home one afternoon, found my room halfway down the cliff and in the

Pacific. Oh, no!

Yeah.

There I was in a cheap motel, thinking about everything that I'd left behind.

I missed you too, you know.

Really?

Never wrote.

No.

I thought it was the best one.

It's walking late.

Yeah.

Happy with the room?

Yes. Very nice.

Can't be changed for my own.

Mine's nice too.

I'm sure it is.

I think I'll go up now.

Iron Room 457.

Yes, I know.

I don't want to wait another 20 years.

Hello, can I have room 214, please?

Just connecting you.

Ah, Bill!

Bill, it's Ben. I'm sorry, sir.

What are you doing? Shh, get back to bed.

You've done it. Dad. It's all right. I won't be long. There's just something I

have to pop out and get. Where are you going?

Scotland.

Just keep calm. Keep calm. Keep your dignity.

Look, Malcolm, I respect your feelings for Bill, but we're all adults here and

we have to control our feelings.

Up yours, sunshine!

Starving. I'll have the full English breakfast with toast and croissant.

Oh, an extra marmalade, please.

Tea or coffee, madam?

Coffee, please.

After that night, I'll need to wake up a bit.

Now, I know this is a difficult situation, but what then?

Are you home in trouble? Yes, I've just had a blowout.

Is this the road to the Drummond's Rocket Castle Hotel?

That's right. Are you on your way there? Yeah.

Oh, thank God.

Don't mention it. Bye.

I know this is difficult, but we're all adults here.

No, no, no, that's not right.

Bill!

Bill!

There you are.

I was looking for you at breakfast.

I got up early.

You look great this morning.

Like a log.

You're telling me.

I phoned your room three times last night.

No answer.

Oh. Well, um, I had to wear earplugs. I got them from reception.

Earplugs? Yes, my room faces the outside, and all I could hear was the

of the deer.

Deer?

Salmon.

Well, whatever they were.

Anyway, I like to have the window open, so I, uh... sleep in a hat, which is why

I couldn't hear the phone when it was ringing, or even know it was ringing at

all, which I do because you just told me.

Well, it was almost tonight.

Yes.

So it's a date.

Malcolm, I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that I still think an awful lot of you.

I love Ben.

Ben?

Yes, I know you wouldn't think it to look at him, but he's very sensitive,

thoughtful, and above all, gentle.

Hi.

Ben, what are you doing here?

Malcolm.

Don't get your things, you're coming back for me. I will not.

Well, you're not staying here with him. I can do exactly what I like, Malcolm.

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

What do you think you're doing? You can't just arrive here and knock a

completely innocent man to the ground.

Malcolm!

Oh!

Shee! Search me.

I'd like to introduce you to Harriet, my wife.

Your wife?

Yes. Thought you were in Paris, darling.

Did you be home by

lunchtime?

Tell you the truth, I was getting a bit fed up with all that fancy food and

people doing everything for you. Really?

Yes. Good.

Because all we've got at home is boiling the bag of haddock and no one's done

the washing up since you've left.