Original subtitles

Nothing.

I was just making a list, you know, things to take to university with me.

That's nothing to cry about, is it?

I suppose not.

Come on, tell me what you've got down so far.

Um, right.

Towels, mugs, a kettle.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Carry on.

A jar of coffee, tea bags, a new dressing gown.

Walkman.

Alarm clock.

Water bottle.

What about a portable radio?

I've got that.

And a make -up mirror.

Oh, we must stop there. Why?

Your father and David will be back in a minute. We don't want them to find us

like this, do we?

No, I suppose not.

Good.

Oh,

God, no.

4 -1 at home. Why?

11 weeks without a win.

Tragic.

Where did you find all this stuff?

Wait till you've been with Tony for a bit longer, then you can have an

archaeological dig through his clothes cupboard.

Oh, I can't without that one. You think so?

And how about... Are there any?

No, thanks.

Oh, Ben, definitely.

I haven't seen any of those for ages.

He last wore them to go and see T -Rex and serves them right.

When did he last wear these?

They were a Christmas present from my mother.

Do you wear them when she comes round?

You're in no position to mock.

They were a Christmas present too.

What, the actual present or just the ribbon and bow from one?

Don't be nasty. It's for charity.

No, it isn't. It's a load of junk we want to get rid of and feel superior.

No, it isn't. It's all useful.

Most of it's all right. Some people would be very glad of these. What

Well, you know, poor, unemployed, tasteless people.

Come on, let's bag it up.

I'm going to eat live.

This is their last week together.

Oh.

Saturday's their last day.

You all right?

Sorry, it just hits me sometimes.

She'll be back from time to time. There are some things you can only get at

home. Yes, your washing done for you.

And speaking of goodbye, at last I can finally say farewell to these.

What are those?

Men's Y -fronts. You've probably never seen any that are still before.

What about them?

Do you know how many times I've tried to get rid of these? The famous haunted

underpants.

Every time I try to dispose of them, they mysteriously make their way back

the drawer again, as if by unseen forces.

Perhaps they've got a boomerang concealed in them. Not so I've noticed.

Well, it's been nice knowing you, but your time has come at last.

Well, he must want to keep them for some reason. Oh, no, he doesn't. It's just

because they're there.

He's always hoarding ridiculous things he's never going to wear again.

What was that?

Oh, no, nothing. It's a mistake. Shouldn't be here.

Oh, come on. Come on, Bill. You know what we talked about. There's absolutely

point in our doing all this if we're going to keep taking things out because

we're still attached to them.

What was that, then?

Well, that's different. That was a special thing.

Would you still wear that?

Well, I... Hold it up.

Put it back.

Well, what about your thing? Would you still wear that?

Well, actually... Hold it up.

Well, no more exceptions for either of us, agreed?

Agreed.

I'm going to hurry if I'm going to get to that charity shop before it closes.

Right.

See you tomorrow? Yeah.

Bye. Bye. Bye -bye.

Like that, are you?

Where have you been anyway?

To buy this.

What?

To lay at the gates of White Hart Lane.

You're not taking this all a bit too seriously at all?

Seriously?

Seriously? After all, it is only a football team.

Only a football team?

Yes.

Oh, you know, women aren't capable of understanding what it's all about.

No.

Aren't they?

No offence.

Yes, it is all a little intellectual for me, isn't it?

22 men put on shiny nylon outfits nobody would be seen dead in for any other

reason, run about on a bit of grass, and every now and then kick a small

spherical object into a little net, whereupon they all cabalt about like

Beauty on heat and pull their shirts off their heads to show their stomachs.

Did I leave anything out?

That is not what it's all about.

Well, what is it all about, then?

The savage, brutal scent of tribal union, the majestic and dreadful theatre

battle, the comradeship, glory, honour.

And the stomachs? I told you she wouldn't understand.

Well, explain it to me, then I'm sure I'm quite capable of appreciating it.

All right.

We have to win the next... three matches on the next three Saturdays. Yes.

No. You don't understand.

We have to win the next three matches on the next three Saturdays.

Why? Because we need the points! We've got to win all three of them!

Well, what if you don't?

You tell her! We go down. Don't you realise what that means?

Yes, you go down.

It means disaster, ruin, dishonour.

Oh. Well, perhaps things will get better. We've got two hands and a groin

injury. How on earth were they slicing it?

We've got no chance.

We're doomed!

Oh, for God's sake, stop it. Perhaps you'll get lucky.

Lucky? Yes, perhaps you've had bad luck up till now. Something might change it.

Could it?

Of course it could. So you see, you don't have to spend the rest of the day

whining pitifully.

She could be right.

It could be our luck.

And luck can change. What could change it?

We'll see what can change it.

Roll on next Saturday.

New tank came in, so I thought I'd put it in straight away.

Oh, good.

I'm sorry about the dinky toy.

I sent my assistant out for some stuff on Monday. Don't worry. We'll soon get a

new one. Will it take long? No, I'll be done by lunchtime.

Come in.

I've been all over the place for this. Where is he?

He's not back yet. Are you going to bring those in here?

What, lugged this lot back to the lock -up when I should have knocked off an

hour ago? I'm not DHL, unless it stands for Dirty, Hungry and Lackered.

I'm sure he won't be long.

What's all this, then?

Tears on my pillow?

Come into the kitchen. I'll make you a cup of tea while you're waiting.

Oh, thanks. Or would you rather have coffee?

I'd rather have a sandwich. I'm starving.

Oh, sorry. We've just run out of bread. I'm about to go shopping.

Oh, well, don't you worry about me.

I'll just watch you eat whilst I play a xylophone solo on me ribs.

Have this then.

Are you sure?

Thank you very much.

Don't mention it.

Oh.

What's in these?

Sardines. I hate sardines. Give it back then. No. I'll force it down somehow.

At last.

Hi, Chloe.

Jen.

Good.

Where have you been? It's nearly two.

I've been doing this thing called work. I'll explain it to you sometime.

Oh, well, you try finding ten metres of half -inch copper on a Saturday

lunchtime, just before they close.

All right. How much?

Twenty. I must have seen you coming.

Yeah, and for the same you can see me going.

Cheap to price.

Those were completely disgusting.

Don't mention it.

See you on Monday.

Where's David? Stick off at three? In the garden, making a sign that says we

robbed. Top of the bar.

Clive, anything I can get you before...

Well, I

suppose.

Yeah, it's time we... We may as well get this over with.

Yeah.

Probably for the best.

Yeah.

Have a good time. I will. Well, not that sort of good time.

You know what I mean.

I know.

See you.

See you.

Jenny?

What's going on?

Nothing. What happened to We Was Rocked? I thought it was a bit nasty.

Yeah, that's much more classy.

That's just for a one -something to lose. This is for something nil.

You are not taking that. I'm not finished at the minute.

It's like having Juliana as your mother.

Well, we won't be needing that anyway.

I thought you were having a bath.

It's running.

Take heart, my son. I told you, today we are going to win.

Was that a pig flying past the window?

Nothing to worry about. I have decided to wear my lucky pants.

What? My lucky pants. I'd forgotten all about them until you reminded me

yesterday. Oh?

My lucky pants have never let me down. Even more on my wedding day.

I'll get you that sign back.

Oh, ye of little faith. Do you doubt the power of the pants? What do they do?

How do you think we won the World Cup in 66?

Pants. Damon Hill winning the championship?

Pants. What about when Henry Cooper met Cassius Clay? He lost.

Exactly. I wasn't wearing any pants at all. How do you think Brotherhood of Man

won the Eurovision Song Contest with Sayuki?

He certainly wasn't talent. Oh, no.

Pants.

Once I pull on the pants, our troubles are over. Yes.

These pants, what colour are they?

It's sort of green with things on. With a frayed elastic waistband. You do

remember our wedding night. No, I'm just worried you might not be able to find

them. Oh, no. I know exactly where they are.

They're at the back of my cupboard underneath my looms. Oh, good.

David, make a new sign. We're staying up. All right.

Can I help you find anything?

Uh, yes.

Do you have any underpants?

Yes, of course I do.

No. Old underpants.

With loose elastic.

Oh, uh, buckle this way. We could have a look at them to see if they're old

enough. No, thank you. Mr. Fortman, what are you doing?

She wants to see my underwear.

Oh, it's a misunderstanding.

Could you go and serve that gentleman over there?

Oh, I don't blame you.

He's rather a hunk, isn't he?

No sign of any of our things here.

Have you put out everything you've been donated yet?

Oh, we don't actually keep everything we receive in the shop.

Oh? Order items we send abroad for bundles to third world countries.

I'm a dead woman.

for him as well.

Yeah, I know.

Unbelievable.

I'm stunned.

I know. You couldn't sign the lucky pants.

Five nil. I've got something to tell you. Five nil.

That is disappointing, but it's not the end of the world. Five nil? To us?

I just... What? You mean you won?

We slaughtered them.

It was beautiful.

Glory, glory to the monster!

Glory, glory to the monster! Thank you very much. You see, I told you your luck

would change.

So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Good. So, family conference.

What? Come on, Jen. Let's not need everyone.

I have to. Everyone has a part to play. Come on. But you won.

That's right. We won.

We won despite me not being able to find the pants.

So, you'll realise what this means.

You don't need them.

Exactly. This is not a pants phenomenon, which means... I don't know.

The luck must have come from something else.

What?

Precisely. What?

What did we do today that gave us the luck? How should we know? It could have

been anything.

Now we come to the point. At last.

Something we did today gave us the luck, but we don't know what.

And since we don't know what gave us the luck, we'll have to do everything we

did today again before the next game.

What on earth are you talking about?

Next Saturday, we'll have to do everything exactly the same as we did

Oh, I see. Then we'll be lucky again. Brilliant.

Not brilliant. It's stupid.

But whatever we did, it made us win.

You might have won anyway.

How could we have won anyway?

We're useless.

What?

We're terrible.

What's David?

He's right. You see?

But you just came in yelling about how great you are.

Oh, no, that's different. That's bravado. You need bravado when a team of

gits like our lot.

Then why do you go and watch them every Saturday?

We're supporters.

Now, it's definitely luck that's made us win. You don't know what made you win.

Well, that's the point, isn't it? If I'd found the pants, we'd know what made

the difference. But as it is, we can't take any chances.

Oh, great.

So, we all know what we have to do next Saturday.

Agreed?

New tank came in. Thought I'd put it in straight away.

You already put it in? Fault in the design. They've all been recalled.

Sorry about the dinky toy.

I had to send my assistant out for some stuff for Monday.

It's all right. It'll be done by lunchtime.

Let's just get on with it. Then if they lose the match, they can't blame the

whole thing on us. All right. Come here.

I told that dizzy cow she was too early.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, don't be too pleased to see me. I've just given up another lunch hour to

continue my new life as one of the Marx Brothers.

There already is a groucho.

Am I going to have to starve to death two weeks running as well? No.

I thought you two had split up.

We have.

Here we are, all for you. What's this? A sardine sandwich.

What? You've got to eat it all up. Oh, just a minute.

Say what?

Oh, wonderful.

Can't I just pretend?

No. What?

Hello, Christine's just eating her sardine sandwich.

Good. Now, you did get the same stuff, didn't you? Yes. From the same place?

Yes. Right, how much?

30. Right, hang on.

It was 20 last week.

Well, the extra 10's for pain and suffering.

20, exactly the same as last time.

Can I go now? Yep.

You've left a bit.

Thanks for reminding me.

It's a pleasure.

You'd better add work.

Right, I'll go and run a bar. Right.

Is that it?

Yes.

Thanks for doing this.

That's all right.

So...

This is really goodbye this time.

Looks like it.

Right.

Bye, then.

Bye.

See you.

See you.

Was he all right?

Yeah. You know, it's live.

Always a good boy.

Always a nice boy.

Always in control.

Never any... blaze of unnecessary passion.

You should be upstairs.

If you do anything to alter the sequence of events, the whole thing could fall

apart. I'm going.

Right, what's the time?

Here it is. Two cages. What do you think?

Oh, yes. Great, great.

Tear it up.

Make another one.

Right, all we need now is Rona.

All we need now is...

Go and get changed and see if the bath's worth it.

Right. Hang on a minute.

Where do you think you're going?

What do you mean?

Well, when I came back down from my bath last week, you two weren't here.

Yes. Well, where did you go?

Just to the shops.

Which shops?

Well, it doesn't really matter what shops. Just go back to the same one.

All right, if you say so.

And I don't mean you tell me you'll go back and you just pretend.

Would we do that?

I want you to promise me you'll actually go back.

Plenty of space is on the ground floor.

I don't want anything. I just had to come back.

Not as much.

I've got my string left on today.

Oh, God.

Rona!

Rona!

If I have to go back there ever again, I'll probably have to sleep with him.

What about me?

At least you don't have to go through saying goodbye to your boyfriend forever

every week.

Well, at least we did what they wanted. They'll probably lose the match and we

can forget this whole stupid business.

Practically home and dry.

I suppose you want food now?

Oh, just something to keep us going till tea time.

I don't find something made of sugar and fat.

Hmm, just the thing to finish a perfect day?

So, we all performed our little part satisfactorily then?

Oh, as well as you could, yeah. Of course, you'll be a bit more practised

time.

What did you say?

Well, it was all a bit all over the place, wasn't it? It was a good job I

there to remind you what to do. Still, be better next week.

We are not going through this ridiculous charade again.

But it works. We've proved it. Tim, no.

We'll lose that match.

I don't care.

You don't care, do you?

No. It doesn't matter to you whether we go down or not. Why should it? There are

more important things in the world.

Didn't I tell you?

Oh, don't start all that again. We know all about it.

Disaster, ruin, dishonour.

Dishonour.

Exactly. What is all this rubbish about dishonour? Well, if you don't know, why

don't you go and ask the Manchester United supporters at the end of the

Why? care what happens if they're Manchester United supporters.

They care a lot. That's why I bet them. I see.

You bet them?

What did you bet them?

Dad told them the day we went down we'd dance around the precinct dressed as the

Spice Girls.

What? They provoked me!

Dressed as the Spice Girls?

We just won 5 -1 and we're making cracks.

What was I supposed to do?

aren't even fashionable anymore.

Well, why couldn't you have said, I don't know, the prodigy or something?

How could I have dressed as someone in the prodigy? I'd look ridiculous.

What on earth possessed you to say something so completely stupid and

He made me do it.

Yes, you did. You let me on. I was only going to bet him a fiver. I was just

waving the sign at them. You said it. I don't care who said it. Look at the

situation you've got yourself into. You'd better win next week or I'll die.

right, all right. Just calm down.

There's no need to panic.

We all know what we have to do next week. Agreed?

We must.

See? We've done it once. Next Saturday should be a piece of cake.

replacements and cut back on the recalls. Do you know how many fish

there, eh?

There's made in Sheffield.

I think you'd better get yourself ready for your appearance as a Spice Girl.

My appearance as a Spice Girl? Yes.

Oh, no.

I said if we went down, we'd all dress as the Spice Girls.

What? Oh, don't be so silly.

It's got nothing to do with luck. They've still got a 50 -50 chance of

the game.

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