Original subtitles

Hello. Well, thank you very much for that.

What? Telling me I was pregnant and letting me get all happy for half an

What happened?

Apparently the doctor was right.

Yes? I am slightly diabetic.

Jenny, is your father up there? No, there's nobody up there at all. Why? He

hasn't turned up for work.

Where is he? I don't know.

I've no idea.

It's going straight to Oxfam before it causes any more trouble.

Why bother? My reputation is now about the level of Dale or Winston's ability

pass a suntan machine.

It'll never happen again.

Do you mind? I'm on the phone.

Hello? Yes.

I was wondering if it'd be convenient to speak with the plumber if he's still

there, please.

Thank you so much.

He's just not thinking straight at the moment.

He won't be walking straight when I get my hands on him.

Oh, thank you so much.

He's come in. Let me speak to him.

Well, don't let him get away before I give him a few choice words. And I don't

mean a box of Scrabble. There's only three S's in that.

It's me.

I suppose you realise what you got me into.

Sorry? I've just spent the whole morning wearing nothing but a mink coat, locked

in a wardrobe and auctioned off to the highest bidder.

It's one of those chat lines.

Who is this?

Who would you like me to be?

I was expecting... Acting Ben Porter.

Oh, you're not the only one.

He waited three hours before they called me.

He's none too popular in this house, I can tell you.

Hasn't he arrived there?

Would I be here if he had?

No, I suppose not.

Thanks. Hang on, hang on.

Let's talk about the mint coat.

It was some other plumber. Not Jake Klinger. No, it's nothing like that this

time. He just never turned up there.

You don't think he's had an accident?

No, I'm sure he hasn't had an accident.

Well, he does drive like a maniac.

That van's had more new wings than Manchester United.

It's virtually a death trap on wheels anyway.

If he'd had an accident, the police would have contacted us. I wouldn't bank

it. He usually gives his insurance details as Mr D Duck from Disneyland.

Should we ring round the hospitals?

No, I don't think so, really.

No, she's right.

If he is there...

He's probably either unconscious from loss of blood or having an emergency

operation, so you'd never know.

Yes, thank you, Christine.

You can go home now. No, I'm going to stay here and keep your spirits up.

Did he go straight to the job? No, he dropped David off first.

Where are you going?

I mean, he's gone.

No, there's no need to worry David unless we have to.

Well, what can we do?

His mobile. Has anyone tried his mobile?

I've done nothing but ring his mobile since I was left standing on a street

corner with my sports bra hosting the Winter Olympics.

He never answers it. Maybe he wasn't able to answer it then. It's worth

try.

It's connecting.

Do you think it's...

Your father has taken a black banana to work with.

Oh, God, he hasn't had a breakdown.

No. He was just feeling a bit depressed this morning.

You don't think he might have done something silly?

How would we tell?

No, of course not.

He'd never do anything like that. He cares far too much about the effect it

would have on us.

That's what everybody said about my Uncle Melvin.

One day, the police found his clothes in a pile on Worthing Beach.

You mean he drowned?

No, he was exposing himself to old ladies at the winter garden.

It would have gone completely loony by then.

Jenny, why don't you go and make us a nice cup of tea?

Oh, yes, a cup of tea. The great British solution against hiding what you're

thinking.

I'm making you both worry, aren't I?

Yes. I never did know when to shut up. No.

I always carry on, never noticing the signs. Talking and talking, it's a fault

of mine.

Yes. Sometimes it'd just be better if somebody just said, shut up, Christine,

and be done with it. I wouldn't be offended.

Shut up, Christine. Well, that's nice.

He'll probably turn up before much longer. Yes, probably.

I'd like to hang on here until he does.

Just to put me mind at rest.

Thanks.

That's not him, is it?

No.

That's another worry altogether.

You're gonna be safe here.

key in the door.

Oh.

I just came to say I'm sorry.

That's all right.

So, how are you feeling?

Quite bad, actually.

Oh, I thought you said you were all right.

Well, it comes and goes.

Yes, actually, I think I'd better go up and have a bit of a lie down.

I'm feeling a bit sick.

Oh, do you want to take a bowl up? No, not actually sick.

Dizzy.

cardboard box place.

That came free with it.

I think you had better have a lie down.

Shall I call the doctor? No, thanks. I'll be all right. I just need to be

for a while.

All right.

I'll check on you later.

I didn't tell her. She's still not feeling right. What are you doing? We're

trying to work out the area he might be in. How?

Well, he left at quarter to ten, right? Yes.

And now it's twenty to two. That's nearly four hours.

And how fast is the van going?

Fifty with your foot down.

Right. So that's, er... Two hundred miles.

How did you do that? I went to a school where you weren't encouraged to sit

around all day reading Jackie.

That's educational.

Are we going to do this or not? All right, all right. So it's two... miles

miles per inch.

So, you should be somewhere inside here.

Brilliant. That's a great help.

What have you got on a train?

They go 120 miles an hour.

Oh, hang on, hang on.

Oh, what about a sailor? They must go at least 400 miles an hour. Oh, make up

your mind.

Oh, God, he could be in Russia by now.

And he could be round the...

The compass won't go that small.

Look, the best thing we can do is just wait. For all we know, the phone may

any minute now and it'll be him to tell us where he is, so let's just keep calm.

Quick!

Hello?

No, it's me, Bill.

Did he?

Oh, well, I suppose he's got held up at a job somewhere.

Geordie Pete.

Ben promised to ring him this morning to arrange where they were going to meet

for the football later and he never phoned.

He never forgets football.

Now that's getting weird.

Can't we ring the police? Why? What will we tell them?

That he's missing. We can't. She's right, I remember this one.

You're not actually missing, even if you've been missing, unless you've been

missing for a certain amount of time. If it's less than that, you're not truly

missing, you're just missing.

out if you don't ring the police. What do we expect them to do?

Search for him. They can't. They can search for a particular vehicle.

Vehicles all have unique license plates. Lots of people look identical.

Babies look identical, but they search for those when those mad women snatch

them from hospitals.

Huh?

I see, yeah.

Well, thank you for explaining that all to me.

Yes. Not at all, but bye.

say you'd be disorientated?

No, they just gave me a note from my doctor about the diabetes and sent me

So that's all that happened while you were there?

Yes. What else could have happened?

Rona, there's a baby in your U -bend.

All right.

Here it is.

Oh, no.

It's not what you think.

What is it, then? A small pig that does impressions?

It is a baby, obviously. I mean, I didn't steal it.

Oh, well, I never said you did.

That's what you were thinking, though, wasn't it?

I know you've been very overwrought recently, and this diabetes thing may

upset the balance of your hormones.

I didn't steal it.

So where's it come from?

I'm going to get its bottle ready.

Rona, where's it come from?

I don't want to say.

Why? Because I know that you won't believe me.

I'm your best friend, aren't I? Of course I'll believe you.

I found it.

Where?

Under a gooseberry bush.

Well, do you believe me? Of course I believe you. You don't. I do.

No, you don't. I do. You don't really, do you?

Well, of course I don't really. How could you possibly have found it under a

gooseberry bush?

It might not have been an actual gooseberry, but that's where it was. It

this cardboard box, under the bush, outside the hospital.

Well, who left it there?

I don't know. Why don't you ask it? Go on.

Oh, but if so, why don't you ring the hospital and ask them if they've got any

babies missing?

And do you know what they'll tell you? They'll tell you they can't... have any

babies missing because the paediatric and maternity unit shut down last April.

So you mean this baby?

Yes.

How could anyone leave their baby like that?

Because they have no choice.

So what are you going to do with it?

You can't keep it.

Why not?

Because it isn't yours.

You do want your photo now, don't you? Come on, let's get it ready. Rona, it's

wrong. How?

Well, think about it from the mother's point of view. She wants somebody to

after it.

Somebody who'll love it and give it a decent life, and I can do that.

Well, maybe she didn't leave it to be adopted. Maybe she just forgot it.

I wasn't going to show it to you because I knew it would upset you.

It's like something written by a child.

I know.

Poor little Amy.

So now do you believe that it's right for me to keep it?

No. Why not?

It's been for everyone all round.

Everyone? What are you going to tell Tony when he gets back?

have got out through a trap door round the side.

Men never want to think about things like that.

Tony still faints when I tell him about having my teeth scraped.

Maybe we'll just have to tell him it's big for its age.

We? I'm not going to be a party to this. You should have thought of that before

you started snooping around. I was not snooping around.

Oh, Dad.

Did Aunty Bill frighten you?

And I am not Aunty Bill.

I think it needs changing.

I've got some nappies in here somewhere.

How come?

And when did you get all these bottles and things?

Oh, years ago, when I first thought I wanted a baby.

All right, then.

Let's have a look at you.

Yes.

Rona? Mm?

When you were a girl...

Did you used to have one of those dolls?

You know, the ones that come with bottles and blankets and nappies and

everything?

Your tiny tears.

That's right.

Used to drink its bottle, wet its nappy.

Did you have one too?

Remember how we used to change them and feed them?

It's quite good training, wasn't it?

Yes, except for one thing. What?

This isn't a dolly -roner, it's a real baby.

Worried you haven't thought this through properly.

You're just thinking of it as some object you want to have.

I am not.

Why do you always say it instead of she?

Just a slip of the tongue.

Of course I know she's not a toy.

You put her under the thing.

What's going on?

It's Ben. We're not sure where he is.

Why didn't you tell me?

You've had other things on your mind.

Go back and I'll be there in a little while.

God, you're not even thinking about this.

Dad has gone missing and you're just not doing anything.

I was. How long has he been gone?

He just never came home for his lunch or went to work or picked up his parts or

rang his best friend.

Oh, no. What's happened to him? I don't know, but I'm getting more and more

worried about it.

He really depressed us.

Where is it?

It's in the... No, it must be... What have you done with it?

I haven't done anything with it. What are you looking up there for? I don't

know, but it must be in one of them.

Oh, no!

What? There's a big hole in the floorboards here. I told you that. It's

pipes.

I think it must have crawled down the hole.

Wait till she starts dating.

They can come home with anybody, you know.

Nerds, psychopaths, young conservatives.

I'll take her to the police station.

What I should have done in the first place.

Rona, you may find this amazing, but getting stuck under the floorboard is

typical of the things kids get up to.

You just never know what's coming next.

I know.

Even that I could cope with, but...

One day there's going to be the real disaster when she's grown up.

The day she asks for her birth certificate.

And she'll have to find out I've been lying to her.

Just like my own mother did to me.

You never really get used to being somebody else.

Anyway.

Say bye -bye to Auntie Bill.

Bye -bye.

You'd better get back and see where Ben is.

Oh, my God. Can you manage?

Yes, I can manage.

I'll keep you posted.

Right.

Where's Jenny?

Gone searching.

I tried to talk her out of it, but she said someone had to do something to find

her father.

She'd be traipsing around for hours.

I mean, he could be anywhere.

I mean, if he really has disappeared, there's no way on earth you'll find him

now.

What's that?

Harry!

Hello. Hello.

There's no sign of the van.

He must have legged it back by himself.

Harry, feet!

Now, listen to me, Harry.

to a dog.

treat when he does what you want Ben sometimes gives him chocolate

You get the chocolate when you find it.

It's just a matter of time.

It's a calendar page.

It's just a word.

You tell me I'm too young. That you are just an infatuation.

But that's not true.

You say you found the one. The one that changes our situation.

And so we're through.

I've seen you together.

Just like love.

What else can he give you?

Only age.

It's a state of mind.

It's a matter of time. I think he's back to normal.

It's just a word.

It's a state of mind.

It's just a matter of time.

It's a calendar page.

It's just a word.

I'm begging you today.

Don't take another one for your true love, leaving me.

Or I will turn away and find an older girl for my new love.

Then you'll see.

Now listen to me, I gotta tell you something, baby. I'm so into you, I'm so

you right now. Looking to your eyes, I'm mesmerized. But I can tell deep down

there's great divide.

My love for you transcends all time.

You'd think I'm just a kid, but I know my own mind. It ain't about you, man.

Just a matter of time.

It's a calendar's page.

It's just a word.

It's just a matter of time.

It's a calendar's page.

It's just a word.

State of mind. State of mind. It's just a matter of time. Matter of time. It's

your calendar's page.

It's just a good page.

State of mind. State of mind. It's just a matter of time. Matter of time. It's

your calendar's page.