Original subtitles

Do you hear it's all waterproof in here now?

Yes, I told you it's safe.

Great. You always said you'd have it done by the time you were 40.

I'm 38.

Sorry.

How hot can I have it?

As hot as you like.

Sealed right round.

You don't have to know what a sellotape is, do you?

Not sure.

Good.

All right, I'm doing it as fast as I can. Though how anyone can get excited

big chunks of heart and liver, I don't know.

Oh, it smells like David's bedroom.

That smells nice.

Who was that?

A delivery man package for Mum.

Where did you put it? In there. I had to apply him for it.

Oh, why didn't you check what it was before you let the men start?

Oh, my God, what is it?

When Mum sees this, she's going to go ballistic.

I know. I know it was addressed to me, but it doesn't say where it's come from.

What?

Yes, we did sign for it, but... Well, could you try?

Yes, I'll hold on.

What's that noise mean?

It's call waiting. You've got someone trying to get through. Oh, what am I

supposed to do?

There better not be another disaster.

Hello? I am not a recording. I'm a real person. What are you?

Hello, Mum. It's the real me.

I got this woman who used to be the speaking clock. Only now she just tells

you have to wait.

Bit of a demotion, if you ask me. No wonder she was in such a snotty mood.

I'm in the middle of another call. Can I ring you back? No.

I've got this terrible buzzing under my eaves. I'm waiting for a man who poisons

wasps up a ladder.

Can you make it quick?

Do you remember your Auntie Annie from Arnside? Used to keep a taffy on

Morecambe Seafront for years.

Always. asked about you in her letters.

Oh, yes. How is she? She's dead.

I couldn't get up to the funeral, but I sent some Michaelmas daisies in the

shape of some spam.

Anyway, the solicitor rang me and she said how she wanted you to have the

contents of her spare wardrobe.

Just a minute.

Hello. You still there?

Yes. Don't bother about that. Thank you.

Bye.

Mum.

They've sent me the whole wardrobe.

That's right!

The door was jammed and the solicitor had a strangulated hernia.

I heard his touch squeak when he dropped the telephone.

What am I supposed to do with it, even if I could open it?

Isn't that a great big one with all the carving down the front?

Yes. And the ricoco trimming on the top?

Yes. Oh, I'd auction it if I were you. Always was a great big ugly thing.

Oh, I can't stop now. I can see something fluttering over my cooker

Bye!

What did you say?

Where's the yellow pages? There must be someone who gets rid of old furniture.

You mean it's supposed to be for you? Only what's inside.

What's that?

Steptoe and sun by the look of things.

Where are you going?

I need to speak to Dad.

We've got to open this.

And be careful what you say.

He's still very depressed.

Hi.

Can you give me a lift to school on your way out today?

School is Saturday.

We're rehearsing our number for the concert.

What? Me and the band.

We're going to get together a demo, have it properly mixed, maybe even make our

own video.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we're doing our best.

I don't know why you're bothering. It'll be just the same for you. One day,

you'll wake up and find you're fat, worn out and... 40. I'm 38.

Sorry, I forgot.

It's just an age. Anyway, it doesn't mean anything.

Used to be just like you once, you know. Nah, you're always fat. I've seen the

pictures. Do you want a lift or not?

Yes, please.

Well, go and get your stuff together. Go on.

Right.

Right, then.

Thanks.

At last, and good luck, they'll be here to collect it round about 11.

Are you telling me?

No, I thought Harry could let them in. I'm not going to be here. I'm busy all

day. Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't know you were rearranging my life for me.

I wonder if they'd auction anything.

He's in a terrible mood today.

What did you say to him?

Nothing. And what's that thing?

I'm rehearsing with the boys all day, I told you. Oh, no, I can't be here. Rona

and I have arranged to go to the warehouse.

Forget them to come another day.

Dad, you look terrible.

We'll go straight to work.

Don't want anything to eat.

Ben.

This age thing is getting ridiculous.

Don't want to talk about it.

Buddy, Holly was dead by the time he was my age.

True, but he had bigger hits afterwards.

Elvis was bloated and wearing a white satin jumpsuit.

Well, we didn't look too brilliant in 70s clothes.

If God had meant us to wear flares, he'd have given us fatter ankles.

Jimi Hendrix.

Janis Joplin.

John Lennon.

Little Jimmy Usman. He didn't die young, did he? Exactly.

Karen Carpenter. Oh, stop it. What?

You're fraying into easy listening now. Come and do something useful like help

me open this thing.

Oh, nothing, just empty wire coat hangers. Must have gone a bit batty in

age. Sorry I can't stay in for the men, but I have made arrangements.

No, that's OK. I'll fix it for another time. Oh, OK. Bye.

Bye.

Why did you say, oh, my God?

How do you open this thing again? Three good thumbs. Why? There is something in

here.

What? This.

Why did you tell her there was nothing?

It's real.

Real fur, see?

Mink, unless I'm mistaken.

So? She's a vegetarian, Ben. I can't show her this.

You don't eat mink.

No, it's much worse. You just kill them and pull their skins off. It's terrible.

I suppose you could eat it. That wouldn't make it any better. It's

Why? How do you think they'd kill them without damaging the fur?

I don't know.

How?

Well, I don't know either, but it's probably horrible.

Not necessarily.

They might wait till they die of old age.

I don't think so.

Well, I've seen grey ones.

Must wait till they're very elderly.

No, Ben, that's some other poor creature.

No, this coat is a thing of the past, and rightly so.

Why?

How would you like it if someone took Harry away and came back the next day

a pair of fawn hairy trousers?

Say those things in front of the DOG.

It's barbaric, unnecessary and totally unacceptable in this day and age.

Why are you stroking it, then?

I'm not.

As soon as you've gone, I'm taking it upstairs and putting it away until I can

find out how to dispose of it somehow.

What did it feel like?

Why are you asking me that?

No reason.

Do you want to feel it? No, no, no.

Why are you so interested in it anyway?

A moment ago you were depressed.

No reason.

Fur coats?

Yes.

You know. No, I do not know. Will you please stop saying that?

Why do you think men ever bought women fur coats?

To keep them warm?

No!

You know!

No, I do not know.

To come home and find the woman

wearing a fur coat.

Yes? That's it.

To come home and find the woman wearing the fur coat.

No! To come home and find the woman wearing... the fur coat.

Oh, wearing the fur coat. Yeah, you're right. You don't have to spell it out.

Well, that is just typical.

The male of the species is prepared to brutally slaughter tens of innocent...

little furry animals in cold blood just for a cheap sensual thrill.

It's not cheap.

It is cheap as regards me.

All right.

No, you wouldn't.

Not if you lived to a hundred.

Which won't be very long now.

Are you ready, then? I thought we'd be getting straight away.

Yeah, all right.

Will you be back by lunchtime?

It's just the one job.

I should be back from work mid -afternoon. Right.

Hurry up, or I'll be 38.

Come on, Harry.

Dizzy and fixing again.

Come in and sit down.

Better not. I'm not sure I'll get up again. I'm just going to see the doctor.

Right, then let's go.

No, no, no, no. I'll go on my own. I haven't got an appointment. Sometimes

have to wait for hours.

Well, I don't mind.

Look, please, I'm fine. I'm just really sorry.

Can you manage on your own?

Oh, we'll do it another time.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah. Please don't worry.

All right, then.

Let me know how you get on.

Is there anywhere you're not in the way?

Welcome back.

We're talking today about husbands who are having an early midlife crisis.

Christy, your husband had one of these menopausal crises, didn't he? That's

right, Roxanne.

Tell us about it.

Well, he was very depressed, down, you know, moping about, complaining he felt

old. And what finally happened to end all this?

One day he just went out the house, all miserable.

Yes. And I never saw him ever again.

Ratchet. But it doesn't always end with a missing person, does it, Marla?

No, Roxanne, it doesn't. Tell us what happened to your husband.

Well, one day we were talking about how he felt, and I said something funny, and

all of a sudden he started laughing.

Started laughing?

Yeah, I hadn't heard him laugh for such a long time, and he laughed and laughed,

and I laughed too, and we were both laughing together.

Yes. And then he picked up his .38 and blew his brains out.

Oh, my gosh.

It's tragic.

Dr. Betsy, what can we do?

Well, obviously a woman's reactions to her husband's mental worries are

at this time. Uh -huh. He'll need reassurance, particularly that he is

attractive and virile. How best to do that?

Well, why not encourage new and exciting forms of lovemaking?

Talk to him about his fantasies. Maybe even act out some of them together if

like the idea.

That's all.

Better you on the carpet than a pool of blood.

Hi.

I was just joking earlier on, you know. Oh, no.

I don't want you to think that I think you're getting past it.

That's very good of you.

Not that it matters what I think anyway.

You don't need my opinion.

Do you? No, I don't.

Well, what is it? What? Your opinion.

It doesn't matter.

Oh, come on, I want to know what you think. Is the old man getting past it?

I see.

I didn't say anything yet.

No, you should have said no.

I was going to say no.

A quick no. It has to be a quick no. You considered it.

I didn't want to say the wrong words. I was just trying to imagine

what it would be like if I get to your age.

What do you mean, if you get to my age? What am I? The thousand -year -old man?

When? I meant when. That's what I mean about saying the wrong word. No, just

drop it, will you? I think I'll get the message loud and clear.

What?

As far as you go, time to get off.

Eh?

The school. We're there.

Oh, right.

Are you done with the stuff?

Nah.

I can still lift things.

I can get the band to come out for it. Just put it down there. As you wish.

Dad. What?

Why don't you come in for a bit? Watch our number.

I'd like to know what you think.

Nice try, Pugsley.

But music's a young man's game.

Anyway, look, I've got another job on and your mum's expecting me.

I can't do this.

This is ridiculous.

Now, these things are immoral.

It's me.

I'm at the hospital.

Hospital? The doctor sent me here for some tests.

Tests? What tests?

Blood and urine. I don't know, really.

Well, what did he say?

Well, I just told him about my dizziness and my sickness and weight, and he

asked me if I had any unusual food cravings, so I told him about that, and

sent me here.

Well? Rona, we must be stupid.

You've been feeling sick.

You're tired a lot of the time. You think you're putting on weight.

And what about the beetroot sandwiches and the midnight snacks?

You mean there must be... But Tony and I weren't even especially working at it

anymore. It's not the FA Cup. You can do it without a panel of experts.

I mean, surely there must be some chance it could be something else.

Let me put it this way. I think it's more likely you'd walk into Boots and

the Pope browsing around the condom counter.

Listen, we'll talk about everything when I get back.

You try and stop me.

I'm going to go now. I'll see you later.

Yeah, bye.

So, Dr.

Zhivago, you have come at last.

I have waited for many, many, many winters.

Vile winters.

Wasted winters.

Wistful, weary, wasted winters. And now you have come across the icy

waste to be with me in our frozen hideaway.

But let me show you that although it may be cold out, Inside,

it is warm.

Very, very warm.

Would you like to feel how warm it is inside?

think we're going to be there all day.

What did your mum say when you told her?

I didn't tell her about this. Do you think I'm demented?

She wouldn't stop you.

Oh, no, that'd be far too simple.

She'd just think up some hideously embarrassing thing to do to show me up.

Natasha said that farming the leaves of the cola plant warped the economies of

third world countries.

She would.

I think I've got some more than water somewhere.

Even Natasha doesn't care about the Midlands.

Everything. Oh, now what?

Hello, love. Come.

That's it over there.

Oh, right.

Go on, go on.

All right. OK, you're here, mate. Go on. That's it.

All right.

You sure there's nothing in here, love?

No, mate.

Go on then, Bob, to you.

Bye, mate.

Thanks,

love.

Bye.

Oh, he might be done.

No, he's out on a job.

That's down your head.

Thank

God

that's over.

£13 .50.

What do I hear £15?

Hello?

Fifteen pounds. Going once.

Going twice.

I fear we will have to improvise.

Very well then.

Fifteen pounds then.

Going once.

You've got another one of them.

I'll give you fifty.

exhibiting stuffed animals and my mother turned up in a fur coat.

It wasn't my fault.

I'm going upstairs.

We'll talk about this later.

No. Not a suspended sentence.

Hello. Well, thank you very much for that.

What? Telling me I was pregnant and letting me get all happy for half an

What's happened?

The results of the tests have just come back.

Apparently the doctor was right.

Yes? I am...

Slightly diabetic.

Apparently they can control it with tablets.

Diabetic? Seems to fit in with all the things I told him.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I really thought... I know.

So did I.

Come over as soon as you get back.

No.

I'd rather go home, if you don't mind.

Have a bit of a sleep.

Oh, Rona. See you.

Oh, no.

Where is he, then? I've had enough of waiting at the corner.

Who?

Richard Gere. He's going to pick me up in his Ferrari and turn me into Pretty

Woman. Who do you think?

I've been hanging around with Miss Spanner since ten.

Ten? Well, that's nearly three hours ago.

Oh, you don't have to tell me. Where is he? Jenny, is your father upstairs?

No, there's nobody up there at all. Why? He didn't turn up for work.

Why not?

Where is he?

I don't know.

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