Original subtitles

Have we got any brown sauce?

Just a minute.

Somebody's eaten my muesli. Oh, well, Friday.

I can't eat those. They're full of E -numbers.

Then spit the E -numbers out and leave them on the side of your plate.

I've got to have a salad cream.

Hang on.

It's all right. I used lemon curd.

I need to talk to you while your father's still out with Harry.

Do you realise what happens this month?

The Eurovision Song Contest?

That's in May.

I don't think knowing that is anything to be proud of.

It's nearly your father's birthday.

Oh, right. What shall we do about it? Forget it. No presents, no mentions of

at all.

Why? When you get to his age, you'll know.

And most of all, no mention of that particular number. If we can avoid that,

might just have a chance.

Birthday soon.

I didn't say anything.

You only told us five minutes ago.

And you had to remind me.

It's not that.

We'll soon be dead.

It's nothing. It's just a number. You're still young. Don't make yourself

prematurely old before your time.

You think so?

Of course.

Forty's nothing.

I'm not forty.

How old are you then? I'm thirty... something.

I thought it was about thirty.

What would that make me?

An immaculate conception?

I'm worried about him being depressed like this.

It's half past seven. I don't want to be late.

How old do you think he is, then?

Well, the hairs in his nose have definitely increased.

That happens about that age, you know. How thin is he? I noticed that.

When he goes upstairs, he gets breathless.

I'm 38, OK?

38!

He'll be going grey soon. Finished?

Nope. Yes, you have. Go and get your things ready. They are ready.

I'm middle -aged. Of course you are.

You're supposed to be middle -aged. You are not middle -aged. Bye -bye, David.

38 times 2 is 76.

That's as old as any man gets, and I'm right in the middle.

Harry's 11.

That's 77 in dog years, and he's OK.

Dog years?

One dog year is seven of ours.

766 in dog years.

Bye -bye, Jenny.

Have a nice day at school.

Bye. Come on away, Miss Abba. Yeah, in about an hour. Oh, come on.

Cats have nine lives to one of ours.

342 to a cat.

What would you like for your breakfast?

Nothing. Oh, nothing at all?

No. How about fried eggs, fried bacon?

Fried tomatoes, fried bread and beans.

Sounds disgusting.

Or I'll fry the beans.

No. I'll just have some plain yoghurt and some dry toast.

I thought it was the cholesterol and I wanted to say... Ben, we have this every

time. You're exactly a day older than you were yesterday when you were quite

right. It's not the age, it's the mileage.

What's that supposed to mean?

When I was 18, I had plans.

So did I.

No, I mean real plans.

Yes.

Well, you do things. Be somebody. I mean, look at me. What have I achieved?

A lot.

What? Well, we've got a nice house. Double mortgaged. Our health. Luck.

The kids. You had those.

You were involved.

I don't mean those things.

Well, what?

I need people to look up to me.

Well, Christine's quite short.

I'll see you later.

You don't put on weight?

Well, I don't know, really.

My jeans seem tighter suddenly and I don't think they've shrunk.

Are you all right?

Oh, sorry, I was miles away.

Still worrying about Ben?

Yes.

What exactly happened?

Nothing, really.

Just when he went off to work, he looked so lost.

He didn't even take his beavis and butthead insulated cola can cover with

integral straw.

That's the one that's... This is cool and that sucks, yes.

I've never known him quite like this.

He's usually so optimistic.

Every year at birthday time, it's getting a bit worse.

Oh, don't.

I'll never forget the first time I looked in the mirror and saw my mother's

looking at me.

Or in my case, Aunty Pearl's. You're lucky it meets your Aunty Pearl as a

My mother's just a loose collection of features, like a bag of Bob Stoppies

in the glove compartment on a hot day.

Different for men, though, isn't it?

It's not so much looks.

They need to believe they're still... You know.

Or they can't.

Obviously.

with something I could do or say.

He's probably moping about out there somewhere right now.

Have you nearly finished these cakes?

Yes, why?

Why don't you deliver them now instead of this afternoon?

I can do the sandwich run on my own for once and you can get home early.

Would you? Then I can get back and do something really special for when he

home. Or even something to eat.

Thank you.

We've got to rush.

An overflow in Muswell Hill.

Bye, Ray. Yes, see you. Bye, there.

Here we are, then. Two fresh coffees.

There's a chip in this mug.

It's perfectly clean.

I don't care.

I don't want it in my coffee.

There you are, then.

Thanks. Oh, come on, cheer up. It's like spending the old day moping about with

a wet dishcloth.

What's wrong with that?

Step out of it.

Pass the shoe, will you?

Oh, thank you, God, for making my morning.

Morning, Sean.

Gives the fill up?

Tea with milk and a ham salad.

F -A -B.

Don't look now, but Jake Tlinger just walked in in a really stupid outfit.

Oh.

Well, turn round and say something.

Hi, Jake.

Well, if it isn't Ben Porter.

Nice outfit.

What's wrong with you?

What do you want me to say?

What?

Did you hurt your foot then?

Hurt my foot?

When you fell off the Christmas tree.

I'm sorry, I do apologise for my assistant. She sometimes gets

Don't apologise for me. Shut up and drink your coffee.

Your apology is accepted.

Good.

I never thought I'd live to see the day when you... Apologise to Jake Klinger.

What does it all matter anyway?

Come on, let's go.

I'm not going till I'm finished.

I'll wait for you in the van then.

Oh, my God!

The purple plug.

Oh, it's you again.

Oh, nice outfit.

Having lunch with Barbie and Ken?

This is the authentic Thunderbird uniform of Scott Tracy.

Well, I knew it couldn't be brains.

I've changed your chain.

Here, what do you... Chalk, lock the door.

Why? Because.

Ben Porter has arrived.

Oh, wow!

I've never actually seen one. Found it under my wiper. It's a fake. Somebody's

kidding you.

You think so?

I've tried for years to get one. Even I never get a sniff.

What is it?

The Purple Plug!

An invitation.

To what?

Only to become a member of the most exclusive fraternal society that

can offer.

the venerable Brotherhood of the Plunger.

What's that?

Oh, it's just a lot of idiots who meet and dress up in stupid -looking outfits.

Jealous? Yeah, what if I am?

The Plungers are the most distinguished club, open only to the chosen elite of

the profession.

So who's in this thing, then?

Nobody knows.

What do you mean, nobody knows?

Could be anybody and everybody. Nobody knows.

You mean it's a secret society?

It is a secret society.

There's nothing secret about it. Hello?

Get down!

It's your wife.

Tell her.

It's just that no plumber may divulge any details of the society to any living

person, except for another plumber, or honorary plumber, even wives or

girlfriends. Why not?

There was this bloke in Camden. He told his wife some secrets of the

brotherhood. Three days later, they found him dead in his bed.

He was 84.

That's got nothing to do with it.

Are you OK?

Remember. What's the point, sir?

Hi, we didn't know you were there.

Is this door locked?

No, the catch must have dropped. It does that, doesn't it, Sean?

No.

Yes, it does.

For plumbers.

Hello, Jake.

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Goodbye.

What's the matter with him?

Rust job. He just got a call from Thunderbird 5.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be pleased to see me. Oh, well, yes, of course I am.

What are you doing here?

Two lemon meringue, two chocolate and two apple and cinnamon, right?

Yeah, that's what we agreed. I'll just be a minute.

Take the van and the appointment books before she gets suspicious.

On my own?

It's just a leaky ball cock and a replacement time switch.

What's the hurry?

The plug is just an invitation. Now I have to wait for further instructions.

Instructions? It's for you. Go, go, go. It's all right. I'm going.

Hello?

Mr Ben Porter.

You received our invitation.

Yes. How did you know where to contact me?

We're watching you very carefully, Mr. Porter.

I was very honoured. Are you willing to proceed?

Yes,

that'll be fine.

Then you must now prove yourself worthy.

And what exactly do you mean by that?

Who is that?

Hello. Tell me, Mr. Porter, exactly what would you be willing to do to confirm

your membership to us?

Meaning what? Well, it's up to you to show us just how much you want to join

Brotherhood of the Plunger in public.

How would I do that? Three o 'clock in the High Road.

If you succeed in convincing us of your worthiness, someone will be in touch.

It's all up to you.

Did I see Christine leave in the van?

Nothing, nothing.

I'm fine.

I just have to be somewhere really quickly. Sean, have you got a number for

minicab? It's all right. I'll drop you off.

What's in those bags? Just drop me at the end of the high street.

Do you want me to wait?

No.

It's, uh... It might take some time.

What are you looking at me?

I'm not.

at you. Yes, you were. And what were you doing in the trap this morning? You

know what. I came to deliver the cakes.

Oh.

I'll be off then.

Right.

Well, bye then.

Because you're a bit depressed today. You wouldn't be tempted to do anything

silly, would you?

I was not.

Don't worry.

No, I can't do this. This is just stupid.

That's right.

Climb in with the rubbish.

Then never let a loser like you in, whatever you did.

Rot!

Are you going to talk to us?

Kids, I think you'd better go upstairs.

Why? They're obviously going to have an argument. We are not going to have an

argument. We're just going to talk.

So do we still have to go upstairs?

Yes. I don't see why. They deserve an explanation just as much as I do.

Well, at least let Davy go upstairs.

Why should she stay down and not me?

I'd rather go upstairs. I don't want to be involved in a row. OK, you go up and

I'll stay down. All right. I'd like you both to stay down here.

But I want to go upstairs. I'd prefer you to stay.

Can I go upstairs, then?

Not until you're told exactly what you think you were doing in the high street.

Harry, go in your basket.

Look,

I know it might seem rather strange, but the thing is,

it was something I had to do.

You had to buy 50 sink plungers and cavort about with them in the middle of

street? Yes.

And as head of this household, I don't expect any further questioning of my

reasoning.

really. I don't know why we wondered about it.

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

Not at all.

What is a man in his own house if he can't act like a complete loony in a

place without his foolish wife and children wanting to know the reason why?

Please don't ask me why.

Why not?

Please, just don't.

Look, just trust me on this one. You don't want to know. You really don't

to know.

Yes, I do.

did you do it?

I'm forbidden to say. Why?

Because I'm not allowed to. Why?

Because it's forbidden!

I see.

So it's got nothing to do with joining the Brotherhood of the Plungers, then?

What? The Brotherhood of the Plungers.

How did you know that?

Ben, do you seriously think that a bunch of plumbers could put on silly hats and

creep about municipal buildings at night without their wives noticing?

It's a secret!

No, it isn't. We all joke about it when we meet up.

I assumed you already were one. So did I.

You mean you know about it as well?

Everybody knows about it. Donna showed me her dad's costume once and we had a

good laugh.

You can't know about it! It's not gay!

How? Things could happen to you. Horrible things.

What?

Terrible things!

Oh, they'll murder us all!

No! But what will they do to us then?

Perhaps they'll come in the night and block up our drains. Or make our taps

dribble. Quiet!

It's dangerous!

Oh, dangerous, is it?

schoolboys with their own special schoolboy signs and their own special

schoolboy costumes.

It's a very respected society.

It's very dignified and democratic.

So why were you waving plungers about in the street?

They made me.

They told you to go out and make a complete fool of yourself. It was a

Did you pass? I don't know. Someone's supposed to contact me. How?

Well, they're watching. They're always watching. How can they be always

watching? That's ridiculous.

Ben Porter, we have been watching you.

to proceed further, contact us before 4 .30 at the number that will shortly be

passed to you.

The next step is up to you.

I'm going upstairs.

Yeah, I've got that. Now

what?

You think this is stupid, don't you? No.

Well, maybe it is.

That's all I've got.

Ben, you don't have to be a member of this fancy dress party to be well

of.

Plenty of people respect you. Oh, really?

Yes, really.

And for what you actually are, a good man who does his job well.

The kids are proud of you, and so am I.

Are you?

Of course.

Now, shall I throw this away?

No, give it to me.

I'll throw it away.

And if that's the master of the lodge, tell him to get knotted.

I'm not you. No, this won't take a moment. Come on, I'm not in any mood for

of your games. No games.

I just want to say something.

What?

I'm sorry I was a bit sharp earlier in the caps. They were great, I suppose.

It's just that I've never been invited to join, and I've always felt quite bad

about that.

Yeah? I know we've had our disagreements, but I just want to say, I

if anybody should be a member, it's you.

I want to wish you the best of luck.

Thanks. And I hope they take you.

Cheers.

Tonight, when you're there, I'll be thinking about you.

Bye.

Yeah, I was asked to call this number by 4 .30 if I wanted to proceed.

Yeah, yeah, OK.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah, OK.

Right. Bye.

It's all right. I'm not going to say anything.

If this thing is so important to you, I'll support you.

I have to do this.

You'll understand later.

I dare say.

What time will you be back?

Um, well, that's not... Quite all.

What then?

Well, they just told me it seems they've updated the rules in the light of more

modern ideals of equality.

Yes?

Brothers of Plunger are all here assembled.

Acknowledge the master installed on his throne.

to let in a stranger.

Open the casement and let him be

shown.

Now is there another who travels here with him to

share in his burden and lighten his load?

sanctum sanctorum, receiving the badge of our most sacred trade.

Now are you ready to cast off

your darkness, look upon virtue, and enter our Lord?

Yea, Master, yea.

Now must the supplicant

the High Master.

Kneel to him humbly and swear to obey.

Now must the supplicant face the High Master. Kneel to him humbly

Nothing. You're appointed to kneel at this point and swear abeyance to the

Master. Ah, yes.

The High Master.

I have to show what I think of the High Master. Well, this is what I think of

the High Master.

This is outrageous!

Do you really think I was going to be fooled into thinking that this was the

real thing?

I mean, hell will freeze over before I promise to obey Jake Klinger.

You mean, what the hell do you think you're doing?