Original subtitles

Great, isn't it? They've done a very good job.

Now we need some work.

Oh, I forgot.

The big carpet warehouse on the estate. They're interested in lunch sandwiches

for all the staff.

Fail or return, I suppose.

Dark though, isn't it?

Shall I go over and tell them OK?

At the speed of light.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Nothing. I can get off work on it and give you a bit of encouragement, can't

Lovely oven.

It's a fridge.

What's going on?

Can I give you a lift home?

Do you know anything about this? No.

Hi, Mum. Hi.

What are you two doing here? I picked them up on the way. It was coming out in

time.

I'm not going any further until you tell me what you've done with my real

family.

Would you rather wait for the bus?

My doctor's rung up and I'm going to die.

Am I getting warm?

Oh, shall we stop here for a minute?

All right, that's a good idea.

Oh, look, the little one in the corner. The little fat one. Oh, they're all

nice. Wouldn't it be lovely to have one?

Well, the shop's still open.

Do you think they could?

Oh, look, another one.

Up to your mum, really.

She'll have to agree.

Mum?

Oh, please, it'd be so nice.

Well, what do you think?

Where's your father gone? To the park

or are you just pleased to see me?

Oh, don't look at me like that with bunny eyes.

I'm a dog.

What?

Wanted a dog.

Why did you have to spring it on me like that?

Jenny! We really must do something about this. What?

I am not going to spend the rest of our lives together as she who was too

miserable to let us have a puppy.

You won't. You shrieked.

Oh, what do you want now? I want to talk to you all about this properly.

What is there to talk about?

You're just too miserable to let us have a puppy.

First of all, let me remind everybody about the luck we have with animals in

this house.

Grimes' fish.

Grimes' pigeons.

I know.

There's no need to rub it in.

But that was different. That was with other people's pets.

It'd be much different with their own. We'd be much more careful. Well, even if

you were, that isn't really what worries me.

What do you mean?

Well, there's another reason I don't want one.

I told you. Yeah, all right, you were right. We thought you might say that.

What? You don't want to go through all that toilet training, messing up the

carpet. Oh, we do understand.

That's why we also got this.

It's a special place.

What for?

Well, it gives homes to older dogs who haven't got owners anymore.

Why haven't they got owners anymore?

They're dead.

Fraud, things like that. So they're not puppies?

No. They're older dogs.

Um... Much older.

And sick.

In fact, they probably won't even live very long.

I mean, if you didn't like it, it'd be gone before you knew it.

It's a very good idea.

You really think so?

Yes, but puppy training isn't why I don't want one.

Oh. Why don't you want one?

It's the looking after it.

Well, we'd do that, wouldn't we? Of course. We want to. I know what'll

I'll end up doing it. Why?

Because I always end up doing everything.

Oh, that's not true.

That plant you bought for your room, when did you last water it?

Recently. February.

I water it. Yes, but... And what about the puncture you had on your bike for

three months?

It healed up.

I mended it.

And do I need to mention the VAT returns?

That's not fair. I don't understand them. But I do them. I do everything

everyone's fed up with, but not this.

I've just started up the business again.

I need the time. I'm not looking after a dog as well.

You wouldn't have to.

Yes, I would. You wouldn't. I would. You wouldn't. I would.

Only one way to prove it. How? Get a dog. No.

How can we prove we'd look after it if you won't let us get one? We don't. need

to get one to prove it. I can imagine what it'd be like to have a dog around

here. Oh, this isn't fair. We can't win either way. We can't have a dog without

proving we'd look after it and we can't prove we'd look after it without having

a dog.

Well, there you are then.

I don't know.

What if we could prove it without having one?

How could we do that? Well, you just said so yourself.

Did I? Yeah, we have an imaginary one.

What do you mean we have an imaginary one? We actually have an imaginary dog.

That is the most lunatic suggestion anyone has ever made in all our years

together, and that is quite some feat. Well, just until we've proved that you

don't have to look after it. That's brilliant.

Stupid. Let's have a vote on it. No!

I thought this was supposed to be a democratic family unit. No. I seized

one day when you were all out.

Give us a shout of hands.

I just don't see how it would work.

Well, it should be quite simple, really.

We just agree between ourselves that we brought home an imaginary dog, starting

from now, all right? Right.

Agree.

So, where is it, then?

It's over there.

See?

Oh, yeah.

I see it.

It's nice.

What's its name?

Sally. No, Sally.

Harry. Only one way to make sure.

I really don't think I'll be able to... Hey, careful!

You nearly tread on him!

Oh, Harry, you're right, mate.

Oh, did she nearly tread on you?

Good boy, see?

Well? Well what?

Tell him you're sorry.

I'm sorry, Harry.

I didn't notice you there for some peculiar reason.

Bill!

more thing.

Now what? Well, in order to make sure this experiment is fair to both sides,

we're all going to have to agree to believe in Harry no matter what for a

period of, say, two weeks. Two weeks? Is your idea?

Right then, repeat after me.

I promise to believe in Harry. I promise to believe in Harry.

Whatever the circumstances.

Whatever the circumstances.

Until two weeks from tonight have passed.

Until two weeks from tonight have passed.

So help me God.

to this. So help me God.

So help me God.

Right then.

I'll see you later.

Just a minute.

Look.

What? Harry's going over to the front door.

What is it, Harry?

Nothing. He's always doing that. No.

He's got his lead in his mouth.

You know what that means. He wants his walk.

How can he? He doesn't even...

You don't whimper like that. I'm sure someone will take you on your hour -and

-half evening walk.

We'll all go.

All of you? Well, it's his birthday with us. We don't want him getting lonely.

And we need to get to know him. Good.

Careful, don't let him out!

Come in.

That's better.

Where's his lead?

He's got it.

I'll do it.

Jimmy, Jimmy.

cheese and pickle?

With or without lettuce?

What if we include it and call them ploughmen?

Harry, Harry, where are you?

Oh, there you are. Look.

I found the old frisbee. Come on. Let's go in the garden. Come on.

Come on, boy. Come on.

That's it. Come on. Through it. Come on. Oh, look.

Come on.

Ploughmen's egregious.

So, let's do that.

Shall we bother with the other cheese one or just do the one without meat?

Missed me when I went out to the van. Oh, don't wipe yourself to pieces.

What do you think you're doing?

Talking to Harry.

Harry's with me in the kitchen. No, he isn't. Yes, he is. I've just been

stroking him. No, he isn't. He's outside with me.

He's on the sofa.

No, he isn't. Yes, he is.

You're both wrong. He's outside.

I'm telling you he's with me. Oh, for heaven's sake.

If you must carry on with this lunacy, at least get it right.

All right.

He's on the sofa.

I suppose so.

If it makes everybody happy.

How long do you think they can keep this up?

Oh, don't worry. They'll be bored with it by tomorrow.

Breakfast! Why don't you just stick a knitting needle into my hair?

Somebody woke me up at two o 'clock this morning to tell me that Harry was

howling, and I had to go and let him out. Oh, dear.

Come on.

There we come, good boy.

Oh, God, you haven't let that dog sleep on your bed again.

What? He likes it.

They're always unsettled in a strange house, and there's plenty of room. What

about the smell?

Ah, the dog doesn't mind.

Bum, bum.

It's your boy. It's your boy. I know what you've got.

I know what daddy's got for you. Do you want it? Do you want it? Do you want it?

Gently, gently.

Isn't this getting a bit out of hand?

Let's not forget he isn't actually there.

Not there?

Not there? I just spent this last week training him.

Oh, yeah, he can do all sorts of tricks now.

Tricks? Watch this, Harry.

Good boy.

Die for the Queen. Die for the Queen. Yes!

Very impressive.

Have you seen the best one yet?

Now what?

Hold on.

Here we are. Stay, Harry, stay.

Right. Now, Harry.

Up. Yes!

Now,

Harry. Two legs.

Two legs. Yes!

And for our next trick... Who's for toast?

Oh, you shouldn't have said that. Now you put him on.

Never mind. You know what happens when you say the T word? He loves his toes,

doesn't he?

Yes, he does.

Yes, he does.

Yes, he does. Yes, he does. Yes, he does. What are you doing?

I'm tickling his ears. He loves it. Don't you? Don't you? Oh, yes, he loves

but that's not his ear you're tickling.

Yes, it is.

Has everyone got their food?

Yep. Good. Oh, where are you going now? I'd love to go.

Mum, is it all right if I take Harry to show Clive this evening?

Laura's picking me up.

Does she mind having a dog in her car?

No, I explained it to her. She understands.

She's going to put an old blanket in the back seat so his paws won't scratch it.

All right.

Here we are.

You have to wait till you've started eating before you feed them. Otherwise,

they think they're a top dog.

Ready for the book. Then you can give them their food.

What food?

It's all right. I'm coming, I'm coming.

It's for his coat and teeth.

I know.

Why don't we get Harry to bring over the newspaper for us? There's no need to be

stupid.

Don't go through the bread.

Oh, sorry. What time is it?

Plenty of time. We've still got the egg and crust to do and the... Cheese and

apple. We have five of those left over yesterday.

We'll do three less and make up the rest with... What on earth is that?

Beetroot, sultana and pickle.

That's today's special.

Beetroot, sultana and pickle?

I've been having it at home recently. I can't get enough of it.

How many of those have you done?

Just started.

I think perhaps it might be an acquired taste and maybe we should make something

a little less... Revolting. No!

Well, yes.

You may be right.

It does look a bit like Quentin Tarantino let loose in a rabbit hutch.

I don't know why I've got such a taste for it.

Put them aside and do some chicken and sweetcorn.

Well, you could always give this to Harry.

I don't want to hear another word about Harry.

Harry, Harry, Harry. That's all I've heard for the last week. The whole

quite beyond belief now. If I go to the biscuit tin and it's empty, Harry's

eaten them. If there's crumbs all over the floor... Harry made them. I'm not

even supposed to use the hoover now because Harry's afraid of it.

Can you put him outside?

There's no such thing as him.

It's just a bit of fun. It's harmless.

Harmless? Look.

When I got home yesterday, I found this on the carpet.

Still like this, don't they? What's wrong with that?

Rona, they don't sell them half -chewed.

You mean some... They act... Actually, I don't like to think about it too

closely. The mind boggles.

It started off as a good idea, but now it's completely out of control.

If I never hear another word about Harry, it'll be too soon for me.

Hello? Hi, it's about Harry.

I'm stuck here in Barnet with a rusted -on immersion.

It's going to take time and muscle.

And guess which one Muggins is going to have to supply.

I'm talking on the phone here, you know. Oh, are you? Sorry, I thought someone

had switched on a hot hair dryer.

Thing is, I'm going to be stuck here for at least another hour.

Yes. Well, Harry hasn't been for his morning walk yet. He must be bursting by

now. I imagine.

So can you?

What? Well, take him. It'll only take half an hour.

I'm working.

Oh, please, I promise, just this once. We did tell you to do this properly,

didn't we?

Yes. Yes, we did.

So, how will you get him over here to me?

What?

How will you get him over here to me? Oh, sorry, didn't I tell you?

No. I forgot to take him.

What? Yeah, I was halfway round the North Circuit. I looked in the back of

van and nothing.

I don't believe this. Yeah, I must have forgotten him.

So where is he, then?

You mean he's not with you?

No.

You mean you've left him at home on his own, locked in?

God knows where he's got up to, but you know they chew things when they're left

alone, don't you?

He's got his doggy chew.

Oh, no, they taste horrible.

I'm here because of the hygiene regulations.

Oh, yeah, of course. Well, you'll have to go home and collect him.

What? Well, I would if I could, but I can't. I'm not going.

Remember your promise.

Oh, but what was coming out? Oh, look, I'm going to have to go speak to you

later. Don't forget his ball.

But... I am supposed to go

back home and take Harry for a walk.

I knew I should never have agreed to all this.

you can finish all those in time by yourself.

Just about. Why?

The only way to end this whole farrago is by proving that the dog isn't viable.

Could you bring the basket and meet me at my place as soon as possible?

You're not really going to go, are you? Oh, yes, I am. I'm going to take him for

a walk. And if I'm not back in time to sell the sandwiches with you, that will

prove that I was right all along and this whole thing will have to stop.

Well, all right.

Good. I should be back in the house by twelve.

of the day I've got to get

Yeah? It's about Harry.

What's that? He's here. I know.

No, he's here.

I know he's here. No, he's really here.

I know he's there. No, he's really actually here.

I know.

I mean, he's really here in the house. He's right next to me. Now I can

see him.

Well, of course you can see him if he's right next to you. Oh.

I think he's coming.

I'll have to speak to you later.

Ben.

Yes, I know, and that's all right then. Bye.

What was all that about? Oh, nothing.

It's just some dog that's followed you home.

No, Rona, it's Harry.

Everybody's talked about him so much, I've finally gone completely mad.

Well, I can see him as well. Well, you were always a bit dippy in the first

place.

Isn't Harry?

Nobody's reported a dog missing to the park or the police.

I suppose we could take him to Battersea.

Yes, yes, that's what I thought.

I mean, he can't stay here.

No.

I went there once, you know.

Where? Battersea Dogs Home, before we had the kids.

Ben dragged me there the first time he wanted a dog.

The day we went, there was a St Bernard in the very last cage.

Well, he was too big for a normal house and he ate far too much, so we knew no

-one was going to take him that night.

That's when I realised that when people get a pet and find they've made a

mistake, the one who really suffers is the animal.

That's why you always avoid getting one, in case you make a mistake.

I just couldn't do that, Rona.

I couldn't.

We need to leave for the sandwich run in five minutes.

What are we going to do with Harry?

Well, I suppose if everybody promised to do their bit, we

could... It's the

police. They've brought someone.

Yes? Mrs Porter?

Yes. We came straight away. They said they're in a hurry to get out. Hello.

Hello. I'm sorry about this, but I understand you found Barry.

Barry? I know.

Strange name for a dog.

Come on, boy.

Come on.

Hello, boy.

I should never have let him off.

Unfortunately, things being what they are, it took over three quarters of an

hour to realise he wasn't with me anymore.

Oh.

Take care.

Thanks again.

Bye. Bye.

Bye, Barry.

I found his dog at the park.

You mean that isn't a guide dog at all?

Oh, no!

Wait! So you should be. Your dog... Sorry!

Sorry! There's been a mistake.

This isn't your dog at all.

Not my dog.

Who is it?

I'll try and explain.

Ben, I want to talk to you about Harry. No, it's all right. Don't panic. Harry

wasn't with you at all.

When I went back to the van and opened the door... Dad!

Guess who we found?

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