Original subtitles

Hi, Mum.

I've got to go out. Just a minute. Come down here.

I didn't do it. Didn't do what? I don't know. Whatever it is. I've just answered

a phone call from somewhere called Pizza Pizza.

Oh. Apparently you're expected to turn up there tonight to deliver pizzas. Is

this true?

It's only till 10 .30. I've done my homework.

And you're letting Jane go to a Halloween party.

What? What's all this about a Halloween party?

Oh, I'm coming to the 90s, Mum.

Everyone does things on Halloween now. It's only one night.

Well, our party's different.

No, it isn't. Why didn't you tell me about this? Look, I'll never do it on a

weekday again.

But tonight's special, and I'm not a little boy anymore, Mum.

All right. I don't like this, but I'm going to be completely fair.

We'll leave it to your father to decide.

Agreed?

Although I warn you.

I think I know exactly what his reaction will be to his sons wasting his

prospects delivering peasants. Stay down!

calendar since Tina's fluffy little kittens of 1991.

I never saw that. What happened to it? It got mysteriously torn up and burnt in

a freak accident.

We haven't got any sweet chocolate biscuits, nothing.

Oh, there's a marshmallow somewhere.

Uh, no, there isn't.

Why? While you were out working last night, David and I decided to toast

Toast them? How did you... We'll clean it up.

used to have to worry about all this trick -or -treat business before

I'll have to go out in a minute and see if I can get something to give them.

Are you coming in to dry?

All right, all right, I'm coming.

I suppose I could see if Rona's going

shopping later. She usually goes to the supermarket on Thursday.

He can mix, or some little Mars bars, or something like that.

Well? Yes?

What do you think?

About what?

Yes, the face.

Have you been holding your breath watching one of those submarine films

Look, I'll show you.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the big torch.

What torch?

To put down my trousers.

Well, there's plenty of room.

Right, so, when the kids knock on the door, we turn all the lights out, put on

some spooky music, and then we make them wake.

And then wait some more.

And then... Yeah?

They'll be terrified.

They certainly will.

I copped in the face from? Boy George on a bad night.

Phantom of the Opera.

Lon Chaney Jr.

The man of a thousand faces.

I think I'm not sitting here in the dark all evening just so that you can send

groups of six -year -old children away screaming.

You think it's too frightening?

I didn't say screaming was frightening.

It's Halloween.

The witch's Sabbath.

The night.

Of the dark one's revel.

The eve of all hallows when the spirits of the dead return to the earth to dance

their dance macabre.

Not in Chiswick.

Oh, go on.

Not already.

It's not even dark yet.

Oh, God.

Put it straight away.

I'm in the bath!

Yes, I'm doing it!

Yes? Eh, Croudon?

Sorry?

Croudon. Oh, you mean sign? What for?

Oh, no, this isn't for me.

My name's Porter, not... What is this, Croudon?

Is that a name?

Croudon. It's for the lady next door, that side.

Croudon. Mrs Croudon.

Nope. Can I go now?

I suppose so.

It's crushing my inside.

Go on, before I change my mind. Bye, Dad.

Bye, son.

Remember... Drive carefully, I know, and never again on a school day.

Bye, then.

Bye. Do your coat up properly. It's going to pour down in a minute.

Finished.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Ah, we'll be all right. Nothing's going to happen to him. He'll be sensible.

After all, he's got us as his parents.

Yes. And we're always careful.

I think you're so lucky I have to pay heaven knows what for treatment like

I was washing my hair. No.

I have voices.

All right, I admit it.

I've hidden him under the carpet. It's that big lump over there.

What are you looking at?

I'm just seeing if I can see the old lady next door.

Mrs. Crandall?

Crue Dole.

I thought she'd died.

Well, if she has, she's been on a trip.

What shall we do now?

Ben, look in the mirror.

Oh, no!

I can't go to work looking like this.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Ben, this is poster paint.

It's face paint.

Waterproof and durable colours will not fade, bleed or rub off.

What am I going to do?

I don't know.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

seen the old woman next door recently?

Not recently. Why?

He just delivered a big box to her house.

Who? The man who said Croudal.

Hang on, I'm getting a bit confused here. You say Mrs. Crandall wasn't

but she's just had a box delivered to her.

No, a box was delivered, I didn't see her, and her name's not Crandall. Yes,

is. How do you know? She told us. No, she said Croudal, and we took that to be

Crandall. No, it is Crandall.

All right, we'll try to rectory inquiries, shall we?

Yes, I'd like a number in the name of Crudal. C -R -U -D -A -A -L.

It's the only one in the book, is it?

Thank you.

You see?

That's her number.

Yes, well, obviously she's still there, then.

Yes, obviously.

What am I going to do about this?

Go up to my dressing table and open the jar of cold cream.

Yeah? Rub it all over your... face right in everywhere and then wipe it off with

tissues it might come off all right i suppose it's worth a try

I don't know, something outside.

You're getting a bit jittery, aren't you? Oh, I'm just a bit nervous about

David, that's all.

Did you remember to... Yes, I opened the bathroom window to let the scene out.

Good. So it's not a costume party, then? This is my costume.

I'm the sacrificial virgin.

Not really.

Oh.

Oh, it's just a joke.

Ah! It's so quiet.

I can't come, it's much better.

Hold on, I like... Look, I feel...

Calm down.

and wiping my face on a flying rat.

It stopped.

So it is.

Open the door. You open the door. I will not.

I don't think it's in here anymore.

I can't see it.

Don't do that. It's coming back.

See that? No, it's definitely gone.

Somebody left his house keys at the pizza place before he went.

And a kind person who was with him came all the way round to return them. Spent

you five minutes knocking on the front door like a Jehovah's Witness in

Bradford.

Thank you.

Don't mention it. Just dress up as a psychopath and jump out at me from the

bathroom. That's all I ask. Why don't you... That's very thoughtful of you,

Christine. I'm sorry we didn't hear you at the door. That's quite all right.

Oh, do you have any Coke?

Yes.

Well, would you put a Bacardi in it?

You must know we had a bat in

the bathroom.

What, a live one? No, a cricket bat. We use it to hit irritating people round

the head.

What?

Well, they don't come out that much this time of year. It's really peculiar.

Don't you start.

What? I've already had all that stuff about her next door. What stuff? She's

answering her phone. There's something very strange going on in there. No,

isn't. Going on where? Nowhere.

Next door, that side.

Look, it's nothing.

What? Well, I just thought I hadn't seen the old woman there recently and then

these strange men arrived with a big box which they took in there.

You see?

Before or after it got dark? Um, before.

You sure?

Yes, definitely. It was just as the sun was going down but it wasn't quite dark

yet. And then I thought I saw someone else in there.

Well, there you are then. There's your explanation.

You see?

Oh, that's a relief.

Must be a vampire.

A vampire?

Well, it's the classic scenario, isn't it? He sends the old woman first to buy

the house. Then he gets rid of her.

Then he turns up in a box full of earth from Transylvania.

Then, the minute it gets dark, whoosh!

He turns into a bat and goes lurking about.

True?

No, of course it's not true. It's a Hammer film.

I've seen loads of them like that.

So you don't think it could really happen?

Oh, no. It's all just an ill -informed combination of primitive superstition

myth. There's nothing in it.

Of course, that's what they always say in the Hammer films. Then they go to

sleep and get their next bittern. Oh, God!

Oh, Bill, come on. You heard what she said. It's just a story. Let's not get

silly about this.

Yeah, it's all a bit far -fetched, really.

Especially the one about Johnny Allucard.

Johnny Allucard?

Yeah, there's this bloke called Johnny Allucard and he's living in this house

London. They don't even notice.

Notice what?

Don't you get it?

Allucard.

Get what?

If you rearrange... Just a minute. If you rearrange what? Ben!

Crude ale, yeah. What's your point?

It's all right. It's just the Alsatian up the road being locked outside again.

Shut up!

All right, so if you rearrange it, it does spell Dracula. It's

just a coincidence.

If you rearrange T .S. Eliot, it spells toilets.

It doesn't mean to say he was a lavatory attendant.

All right.

I can see you're never going to be happy until I prove this.

Oh, it's raining.

This won't take a minute.

coming to the door.

I was just thinking about you.

Oh, Ben!

Hi.

Yeah. Did she?

Yeah, I'm there at the moment.

No, that's all right. It's fine. I've brought the car with me.

Hang on, I'll just scribble this down.

Yeah.

Uh -huh.

The low battery's beeping.

Nearly gone.

Yeah. OK.

No, nothing.

I thought you said pointed.

Oh.

Not before I come home.

All right, then.

Yeah?

Hello?

Oh, damn.

Hello?

Yeah, Jennifer Porter, yeah. She's in the disco in the hall.

Right, yeah, well, can you give her this message? Can you tell her to... Stay

over at Clive's tonight.

There's nothing for her to worry about.

Please do.

Brilliant.

Yeah, yeah. It's just a bit of trouble in next door. Nothing we can't handle.

Wedge them so that the wolves can't break through.

Yes, OK. Thank you. Bye.

Pizza Heats are still engaged.

Hold on to it.

Is there anything else you can remember?

They don't like running water.

Bill, where's the soda siphon? You know, I've been thinking about it.

All this vampire stuff.

It's all a bit far -fetched, isn't it?

What? Well, it's all a lot of nonsense.

But... What do you mean?

I mean, there's no such thing as Dracula. How can he be in the house next

Yeah. Vampires can only come in if you invite them in.

Invite them in.

Come in. No!

Hi, Ruth.

Here we are.

Sorry it took so long, but you know there's checkouts. Did you get

What?

sun -dried tomatoes.

Oh, good.

Brona, why are you wearing that thing round your neck?

Yes, I thought that was a bit strange.

I had to stop off at home care, but you insisted.

Did I? Yeah. You said that under no circumstances was I to get out of my car

unless I had a big grout and fix...

I'm just outside a moment ago on a little red moped.

Did you? Yeah, I was just about to deliver a pizza to the next door.

Homestay!

You see him going down the street.

Right. Now's our chance. We haven't got much time.

Give me your hand, quick.

What is this stuff? Cat repellent. Golly.

Hurry up.

Careful, you nearly had me eye out. Ramna, stop dithering.

Are you sure about this? My jacket's caught.

I mean, remember what happened when we broke in next door to the other side?

That was completely different. We were just being stupid.

Steve, keep this crucifix up at all times.

I can't get down.

I

shouldn't be

keeping you from your work.

That's all right, Mrs Crudell.

Nothing to worry about. I only got this this afternoon.

It was such a relief to get out the big cylinders.

John had to come in every eight hours to change them over. Oh, you should have

told us. We could have helped.

Is it all right?

They said that if the mains fluctuated for any reason, it would stop.

No, it's fine.

Mother, I'm back.

Oh, thank heavens.

Why did the phone have to break at this time?

Oh, what a night.

No one next door. I had to run to the call box, which was still working.

They must have gone out.

They said nothing to worry about. The storm is nearly past and the supply is

quite stable.

Thank goodness.

Well, you'd better be off, both of you.

Let an old woman have some time to herself.

I am booked for four dracula grams this evening. Not exactly glamorous, but it's

work.

I shall be back by eleven o 'clock.

Please don't worry, you're quite safe.

Absolutely safe. Absolutely nothing is going to happen.

Get away from my son, you fiend! From the house!

Triple three.

I'll, uh, thank Christine round to finish off properly tomorrow.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for being so understanding.

Sorry, I didn't realise you needed oxygen all the time.

There are worse things people have to worry and cope with.

Perhaps Bill and I could, you know, pop in more often, see how you're doing.

I would like that very much. I don't get to see many people, you know.

All right, then.

I'm going to go before I sod me guts off.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

It was nice to finally meet you.

The circumstances were rather strange.

Nice to meet you too.

Don't stand on ceremony, John.

Feel free to give us a knock whenever you're around.

Thank you. Perhaps I will.

Got a standing invitation to visit us at any time.

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