Original subtitles

Mr. Vincent.

Mrs. Porter.

You must be Miss Harris. Hi.

I was just removing our sign now that everything's all completed.

I didn't realise you were in there. Oh, really?

Just doing some cleaning up now we've got the keys.

Really? I hope there's nothing untoward you feel you need to draw to my

attention. Is that all? Rona.

Actually, there is something we wanted to mention.

Oh? Would you like to follow me?

I had wondered why you insisted on showing me this property both times on a

Sunday evening before we signed the contract. It was the most convenient

Yes, and now I know why.

What do you mean?

I mean this.

about a reduction.

Oh, I just love having a cordless phone.

Oh,

great. Can't we do that thing to find the number?

Oh, they'll ring back.

Well, that's that then. All ready for the buildings again.

We've been here before.

Oh, don't say it like that.

It might not burn down in a fire this time.

What do you mean, might not? I mean, it won't.

Where does this go?

Uh, I'm sick.

You hungry?

Starving.

Oh.

What have you got planned for the rest of this afternoon, Maud?

Nothing. I know.

It's almost unbelievable, isn't it? The washing's done, the ironing's up to

date. The bills are paid.

And I've made a casserole big enough to last us until New Year's Eve.

You never have nothing.

Well, I defy you to think of anything.

What about cleaning up David's room?

Oh, you don't know.

Ever since he discovered you -know -what, I'm not allowed to go in there.

fear of what I might find.

He cleans it himself once a week in exchange for my never going in there,

whatever happens.

What could you possibly find, anyway?

I don't know. I've certainly looked everywhere while he's out.

Bill.

So, for once in my life, I have got the whole afternoon free.

How about you?

Oh, nothing.

Tony's DJing awake in Kilburn.

If the guests don't get the wild rover and a punch -up with the bereaved at one

o 'clock in the morning, their evening isn't complete.

I'm totally free, too.

Both of us, then? Yes.

At last, we can get to do all those things we promised ourselves.

Exactly.

I mean, there's stacks of things we could do.

That's right.

After all, we're intelligent people.

We could sunbathe.

We're not a pair of bimbos.

I wonder what's on the telly.

Sorry, you don't want to waste your afternoon off on television, do you? No.

Neither do I.

Unless there's something slushy on ITV.

ITV? Everybody on ITV these days is either a foul -mouthed police detective,

serial murderer, or a prostitute in a miniskirt, except for Trevor MacDonald.

wonder what he's hiding under that desk.

It could be an old one, you know, like, what's that one where she's got

something terrible and he takes her off to die in a redwood forest amid nature's

wonder? I don't know. Yes, you do, with Ryan's thing.

Love story?

Yes. He doesn't take her off to die in a redwood forest. They roll about in the

snow.

There isn't one.

Yes, there is. I remember it. Hang on. They're gambling about in the forest,

it's not her that's got something terrible. It's his mother. That's right.

gets shot, and he's got this friend who keeps thumping his foot on the floor.

Rona, that's Bambi. What?

One where she's dying is love stories.

Well, they might be showing that.

They only ever show that on Easter Sunday when everyone's miserable

I'm sorry. I just thought it might be something to watch.

I don't need anything to watch.

What?

Are you watching me? We're not watching you, are we? No.

Why would we want to watch what you're doing? We've got better things to do.

Stop it.

Oh, forget about it. I'll read your magazine.

I don't want to now. I've read it before anyway.

Well, then do something else. There isn't anything else.

Well, why... Why don't you go and ring up one of your friends and go out?

Nah, they're all out with girls.

Well, ring up a girl, then.

What, on the phone?

Yes. And speak to her? Yes.

Have you gone mad?

Why? I can't do that.

Why not?

Well, I'm quite all right on the physical side of things, you know what I

But socially... I mean, I don't know what to say. What would I talk about?

Talk about the same things you talk about with boys.

Don't talk to girls, ever.

Why don't you just go and play your video game?

Oh, not the video game. There must be something else you can think of to do.

We can't. Look, I've got no money, no prospects, and minimal social skills

the opposite sex.

Well, your father manages.

Why don't you do what he does at weekends? You won't catch him moping

house.

There's no football.

There's no football on at the moment. There's always football on at the

Whenever it is. Whatever time of the day or night.

Whichever channel.

Not at the moment. It's... Out of season.

Out of season. It's never out of season. Oh, yes, it is, Bill. You remember.

Remember that man I went out with, Steve?

He used to go insane at this time of year. Go and watch anything.

Schoolboys kicking around on a park.

Seven aside, even Australian football.

Now, that's sad.

What have you been doing outside?

You're supposed to be on my side. Go on, ask him. That's truly sad.

What have you been doing outside?

You don't normally go into the garden unless I actually cry.

Nothing.

What? What have you had in those buckets?

You collect snails in one bucket and slugs in the other.

Collect snails in one bucket and slugs in the other.

You know that current bush we've got outside?

Yes.

Well, I'll put all the snails on the leaves on one side of the current bush

all the slugs on the leaves on the other side.

That's the most bizarre thing I've ever heard in my life.

I'll change them around at half time.

Whichever lot eats most leaves wins.

That is complete insanity.

I agree.

Obviously, the slugs would win every time.

Why? They haven't got the shell to carry. It's a handicap.

Yes. Well, the experienced fan would think that. But in point of fact, slugs

have gone down to snails for the last three bushes running.

Have they? Really?

How interesting. Why is that?

Well, it's mainly down to cantona.

Canton?

Not the real Cantona, obviously the snail Cantona.

Yeah, in the number seven shell.

You number the snails.

I used a felt tip on their shells.

Right. Bill, how else would you tell them apart?

You're not helping with this. Sorry. This is a stupid conversation and I'm

going to continue it any longer.

How do you number the slugs? No!

We must be able to think of something better to do. Of course we can't, Mum.

Everything here is boring.

I cannot believe my ears.

2 ,000 years of civilisation have got us here. We must be able to usefully

occupy ourselves for one afternoon without slushy films and violent video

and a bucket full of slugs.

What are you going to do, then?

I don't know.

You're going to spend the rest of the afternoon telling Jen what to do. I am

not... What do you mean, telling her what to do? I don't tell people what to

If you do, you've just been telling her.

No, you're going to go upstairs and drag the whole thing out of her.

Yes, but not for my benefit.

You saw the state she was in. She obviously wants to talk to somebody.

Yes, that's why she said, I don't want to see anyone.

You don't know anything about girls.

But she can't wait to tell me everything.

Sorry.

I know you said you didn't want to see anyone, but I was just wondering if I'd

left the spray polish in here.

Oh, yes.

Here it is.

See?

Sorry about that.

I promise I won't bother you again.

Right, then. I'm going now.

What if she's got something terrible, like in Love Story?

It does happen, you know.

Oh, I'll never forget the day I woke up and found a lump under my breast.

When? It was all right. I'd forgotten I'd been eating sugar puffs in bed the

night before.

Can't it be something?

Here she comes.

Is she all right? What is it?

She won't talk.

I told you. She wants to...

She just needs the right approach.

Maybe I should go up.

You?

She might talk to me.

I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, it'd be me she'd tell if she was going to tell anyone.

Might be something she can't talk to you about.

Well, then she'd be more likely to talk to Rona.

What, rather her father?

Yes, of course.

Ah. What if she needs to speak to somebody of her own age?

David!

What?

you go to some girl or other.

Oh, that's nice.

No wonder I'm the Cliff Richard of year 11.

It's not your fault. Bill and I would do the same. That's right.

Well, I don't think I've ever heard anything so blatantly sexist.

It's not sexist. Why is it not sexist? Because something sexist is where

women...

This one over here.

Yep, that's fine.

Right, I'll go back down there, shall I?

You know, you don't have to say anything.

We could both just sit here.

What did you do?

Nothing. I knew it. Expecting you to be sensitive is like hoping Elaine Page

will sing quieter for a bit.

I know what we need.

What? I'll be back in a minute.

Where's he gone?

Heaven knows.

Do you think I should go up and see what it is before it's too late?

Rona, she has not got something terrible.

I didn't say she had.

What was that thing that sent Betty Davis slowly mad in a darkened room?

A question of thought.

Rona could be right.

All these old diseases are coming back. Shut up!

But, Jenny, this is serious.

And we must treat her problem with understanding and respect.

Here we are.

This is what we need.

This will make everything clear.

What is it?

Male and female. At the present moment, nil -nil.

OK? No.

Oh, nobody scored when I was out in the room. I mean, no.

However much you might like it to be, this is not some trivial contest.

Quite so.

This is serious.

Good. Rona, your call.

What are you doing?

Well, you have to admit, it's up to either Rona or David now. We have to see

gets first crack.

Crack? Who?

Come on, Pugsley.

Thank heaven we've got a stop to that in time. There's no telling where it might

lead.

Are you all right?

Yeah, sorry.

I just seem to be getting very emotional at the moment. I don't know why.

Do you think she's really OK?

Is there some way we can help her?

The whole thing would have been sorted out by now.

haven't tried to turn it into match of the day.

Why does everything have to be a competition before they can get

it? I don't know.

Tony's the thing.

The only way I could get him to see Sense and Sensibility was by telling him

was a war film.

I mean, the whole thing's completely infantile.

Yes? Bill, it's Laura.

about Jenny?

Uh, just a minute.

You were saying?

Has she got home yet? Yeah, she went straight up to her room without saying

much. Really?

Shh. Um, is everything all right between them?

Well, that's what I was hoping you could tell me.

Have they had some kind of an argument?

No. He hasn't even been here today. He went out first thing.

But Jenny went round to your house.

only to pick up something she left behind in Clive's room.

I let her in, and the next thing I know, she's running downstairs, saying

something about this being the worst day of her life.

Did she see something up there?

Well, the only thing I can find up there is the yellow pages.

They were left open.

Where? I don't know.

It's worn out a bit.

Now it goes straight from page 640, Iron and Steelworks, to 645,

Karate and Kitchens.

Any idea what's there?

Oh, no.

What? Oh, no, I can't find our yellow pages.

Where is it?

I expect Ben's had it.

He's always reading it.

Anyway, it's probably nothing.

I expect when Clive comes round at five, she'll be delighted.

Let me know of any development.

I will.

Bye.

Quick, go home and find your copy of the yellow pages. Hello, can anyone hear?

What's wrong with your yellow pages? They might know. I don't know if they

heard down there. Ever heard what?

Just find yours and tear out all the papers of jewellers. That's why he's

to buy a ring.

Wait for me outside in your car with these.

Hello, can you hear me?

Just coming.

How on earth did you manage to lock yourselves in there? Neither do I.

We were just tidying things up down there. Nothing happened while we were

there. No?

There we are, then.

What are you going to do now?

I don't know. What are you going to do, David?

I might read a book upstairs.

What about you, Dad?

I think I might go and check on the current bush.

What about you, dear?

Oh, I think I'll clean out the kitchen cupboards.

Probably. Good.

See you then.

Where was that?

Oh, just in the cellar.

We didn't hear what she said.

Oh, no!

Got you!

Let go!

You heard it all on the phone, you liar! And you looked in the book!

Well, you weren't going to tell me! Yes, I wasn't. It's better if I find him and

hint to him carefully that Jenny's not ready for a ring yet.

He'd be better off... Talking to another man!

No, he wouldn't!

Come back here!

Sorry.

Hello, Mrs Grimes. How are we?

We've eaten.

Rona?

Here we are then.

One espresso, one decaffeinated, and a big... Crossy one for me.

Weren't you going to go and look in that shop?

No.

Sugar?

No, thank you.

Have you had a good afternoon?

Oh, just having a nice relaxing time, you know.

Where's Mr Porter?

Out. Oh, probably hanging around.

You're supposed to be meeting Jenny later, aren't you?

Five o 'clock.

Aha.

So, what were you planning to do till then? Some shopping?

I came out, actually, to look for some rings.

Oh. What sort of rings?

Nothing very flashy, you know, just simple.

Yes?

Something that would look okay. Not cheap, but nice.

And have you talked about this with Jenny?

Yes. She didn't seem very keen.

I don't see why she's so dead against it.

After all, I'm the one who'd be wearing it. Yes.

through my eyebrow.

She said she had to look at that all the time. It'd be the most awful moment of

her life.

I see.

So I thought, maybe I could get my nipple pierced. Like this.

Of course, she'd still see it when we went swimming.

So I thought, perhaps I could get it done through here.

This came to the worst right through. Ah, there you are. Just in time.

Clive has got something he'd much rather discuss with you.

Yes.

This is a job for a man.

Jenny,

if she's got any sense, she'll be spending the afternoon sunbathing.

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