Original subtitles

It's alright. It's three o 'clock. I must have set the alarm wrong.

Sorry.

Hallo?

Is that the plumber?

Oi.

This is private property.

They phoned me.

What? Look, they just phoned me.

I'm the plumber, Jake Klinger. They want me.

Look,

I haven't come all the way down here in the middle of the night for my health,

you know.

All right, then.

Where are you going? I think there's a bad leak in the bathroom.

I can't sleep.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

What are you doing up and dressed?

Couldn't sleep.

Why not?

Don't you know?

Remember your promise.

If alien visitors come during the night, we'll wake you up. Not that.

What then?

You promised.

I don't ever ask much from you, and you've forgotten.

Of course we haven't forgotten.

Well, then, you'll know why I can't sleep.

Yes, we do.

There'll be people from schools all over London.

Well, obviously.

What if I dry?

Dry what?

Dry is an actor's word. It means to get the lines I learn. Oh, the drama contest

thing. Don't worry, it's not the final. It is the final. It is the final.

So you'll be proud to remember them, won't you? And if we were there, we'd be

very proud of you, son. And of course we will be there. And obviously we'll be

very proud of you.

Thanks.

Don't worry, I won't be upset if you can't make it. I know what you're both

like, the clock. What do you mean?

You never know the time, either of you. Yes, we do.

It's... 20 past two in the morning.

It's five...

It's not stupid.

That's a matter of opinion.

I'm going back upstairs now. Can you all try and keep the noise down?

Well, we'd better get some sleep.

I suppose so.

It's four o 'clock in the school hall. We'll be there.

What could possibly stop us?

Did you enjoy your meals?

Makes a change from the other way around.

What? A hearty man eating a condemned breakfast.

That's not that bad.

Would you rather we went to the burger place?

Yeah. It's very unhealthy in there.

We don't have any additives in our food.

Will there be anything else for you today?

Yeah, the rums, I should think.

Just an orange to take with me, Sean.

The simple things are the best.

I'll go and defrost one.

Well, well, I thought I might find you here.

Jake the Klingon. It's plumbing, Jim, but not as we know it.

You're a little out of date with your witty jive. I have long since

a childish interest in Star Trek. Yeah, I heard you had to get up early today to

go on a trip with some other fans.

That much is true, and I wouldn't be late for it if I hadn't overslept.

Late for what, exactly? I have transferred my allegiance to a rather

body of work.

Oh, yeah? What's that, then? The magic roundabout? Nodding in toilet?

The subject of my latest homage is the fascinating programme known as The

Prisoner. The Prisoner? I happen to be president of a radical splinter group of

the main fan club.

That's 60s rubbish about some pont stuck in a village.

I'm not interested in hearing your pathetic attempts at ridicule. Oh, well,

yourself.

I won't be losing any sleep over it.

Why do you say that?

Oh, no particular reason.

You dirty little rotten scumbag. Right, that does it. I'm off.

Where are you going?

I'm taking the day off sick.

Sick? Yeah, sick of this stupid vendetta. I'm not getting involved in it

I've seen the Godfather. Oh, that was a horse's head. This is quite the reverse.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're going to get into trouble, you know. Remember what happened to you the

last time. You want to listen to your assistant? She's talking sense.

I can look after myself, thank you very much.

So I can go then? Yeah, I suppose so. We're going to finish early today

I have a very important appointment that I can't miss under any circumstances.

Well, suit yourself.

I will.

But on your own head, be it. On my own head, be it.

necessary.

I have my van with me.

Well, that's that.

The last contender for new premises of Porter and Harris late of Chepstow Road.

Funny.

I thought we were going to find something really special today.

What are you doing?

Rewinding and looking.

You know, the one before last might do, if we replaced all the windows.

Forty of them.

Anyway, if too big, it'd be freezing in the winter.

The last one was smaller.

Rona, our bathroom's bigger than the last one.

Oh, hell.

What? My watch was docked at ten past one.

What's the time?

Hang on, there's a church round the back. There might be a clock on it.

Well, is there?

Rona, what are you staring at?

I never noticed that when we drove in.

It's exactly the size.

It's well kept up. I wonder if they want to rent it.

It is exactly what we're looking for.

I know.

Don't we have a key to a padlock just like that from the warehouse before

So?

Might fit.

Rona, that's breaking and entering.

What if we've got the key?

We haven't got the key.

We might do. Those padlocks look very similar.

We don't have the key.

If it opens it, it is the key, isn't it? It won't open it.

Will it?

All we know is we don't try.

I'm not sure about this.

We're just going inside to have a look. We're not doing anything dishonest.

That's what President Nixon said.

Is this the right one?

Looks like it.

Look, I really ought to be getting home for David.

It's only going to take a moment or two. There's plenty of time.

Oh, hi.

All ready for the big performance?

What are the judges like?

Oh, the usual. Monster, the egotist and the depraved. Listen, I'm sorry I can't

be in the audience, but I've got to cover a class.

Oh, I thought you... No, I see. It's all right.

Did you remind your mum and dad?

Yeah, but they probably won't make it in time. Of course they will.

I'm sure they realise how important this is to you.

And what could happen to stop them?

Excuse me.

Oh, hello, sir.

Spending some time here?

No. Some joker thought it'd be funny to dump me here in Scarborough.

This is some place in Wales, isn't it?

Can I get you something?

I haven't got my wallet. Is there a bank here? Not in the village, no.

Phone then? I don't think there is a phone. There must be.

People come here to get away.

Oh, I get it. You're in it too, aren't you?

On what?

Ah, you're one of Jake's cronies.

Prisoner anorak.

That's right, you're all coming here today.

Very funny.

Good afternoon.

Just seeing you.

Oh, yes, you two in it as well. Well, yes, I'm impressed.

Oh, well, I've got to get back.

How do I get out of here?

There is no way out. Oh, look, come on, I've had enough. No, you really can't

get out.

Oh, really?

Well, how's he going to stop me?

Call up the giant balloon?

Do you think this is a storeroom of some kind?

That's me.

I don't think I've ever seen so many dresses in one place.

Who do you think they are?

Costume for hire companies?

No.

They're all the same size by the looks of things.

Who wouldn't?

You don't suppose they're Princess Diana?

Rona, do you seriously imagine...

Princess Diana would go anywhere in this.

She might.

Where?

Meeting blind people.

They'd still hear it. Well, they don't know.

They might touch it. Why not?

We're not supposed to be here, remember?

Good God, look at that.

What? This.

Ha! Would you be seen dead anywhere in this?

Well, I don't know. I think that quite suits you, actually.

No, it isn't. You could wear that at a do.

No.

I need something much simpler.

Like this.

Oh.

What's the matter with it?

Say mumsy.

Mumsy? What kind of a mum wears this? Unless she's taken a lot of Prozac. No.

Something like this.

Or this.

Well, I don't mind that one, but with that one's neck.

This? Very ridiculous.

What about this?

Ah, that there, that's it exactly.

See? Yes, I see what you mean, yeah.

There's only one thing wrong with it. What?

I don't like it.

Oh!

How about this?

No! No, not for you, for me.

What?

What's wrong with it?

Nothing if you're Shirley Bessie.

Look.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

No! I mean, look at this.

It is Shirley Bessie's.

to be Shirley Bass's dress warehouse.

I saw it in a documentary once.

She puts all her old dresses in a special warehouse. This must be it.

Oh, my God, we must have gone insane.

What are you doing?

Putting this back.

Where did it go?

Next to the black one. What, this black one?

Yes.

Oh, now, that is nice.

I wonder where she got this.

Probably hasn't been specially made.

Pity, I'd look really nice in this.

Why don't you try it on?

Are you mad?

Don't you take a moment.

I am not trying this on.

Why not?

It's Shirley Bassey.

What if she comes back?

She won't mind. She's nice.

No, we haven't got time. We've got to be at the school.

It's going to take five minutes. Look, I'm going to try this one on.

Go on.

All right.

Good.

But that's all we're doing. We're just trying one dress and then we'll go.

Agreed.

So, this is where you're hiding.

I'm not hiding.

Shouldn't you be in the hall getting ready for the contest?

I'm not doing it.

Why not?

You said it yourself.

It's stupid.

Yes, well, I say a lot of things I don't mean.

You know you're good, don't you?

So what's the problem?

Nothing. You'd better go before old Tavener finds you out of class.

You've looked in the audience.

They're not there, are they?

They promised.

I know.

And to a kid, that means a lot.

But we're not kids anymore now, are we?

And we know that sometimes there are work things they just can't get away

And I don't care about old Tavener.

Look, I'll be in the audience just in case you change your mind.

I bet they're both doing something really boring.

The minute you walked in the joint, I could see you were a man of distinction.

A real big spender.

Good looking, so refined.

Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? So let me get right

to the point.

I don't pop my cork for every man I see.

Hey, Big Bender.

Hey,

Big Bender.

Hey, Big Bender.

Been a little time.

Why is he doing that?

What?

You'll eat me now, Joyce.

He's seeing you.

We were just on our way to the school, weren't we?

Well, you were. I was going home.

Hi.

So, how did the contest go?

David?

I walked onto the stage, began doing the bit I rehearsed.

But something was wrong.

Suddenly, I realised I'd stopped speaking.

Something in my head was screaming to me.

They're not there, you fool.

They're not in the audience.

And I saw the judges just sitting there, staring at me.

That was when it happened.

I don't remember exactly what I did.

Just brief flashes.

And then the strange tang of metal in the air.

And blood.

Blood on my hands.

And there, where the judges had been sitting before, a tangled mat of

twisted limbs.

Oh, my God.

You murdered the judges.

No, not really.

I just wanted you to see the acting that won me this.

It's the county first prize.

Oh, wow.

I'll get it.

I'm sorry I didn't make it.

You know how these things are. I know.

You had a job that took longer than you thought. Exactly, a job that took longer

than I thought.

And you had something really dull you had to do for the house.

Yes, that's right.

I'm sorry, but there it is.

It's the kind of boring life you lead when you grow up.

Ah!

What's that?

Ted?

What are you doing here?

Mother?

Yes? It's Shirley Batty on the phone.

Who wants your camcorder back?