Original subtitles

No, it wasn't for you.

I was getting ready to go out. Who was it? Somebody German.

Oh, brothers agree. I shouldn't wonder what to write this down.

Was that for me?

Am I the only person who actually answers the phone in this house?

I meant to be going with Steve to Richmond Park to look for places where

have landed.

Well, if you see E .T., tell him not to phone home.

to put in the en suite shower, and now David's moved all his computer stuff

to his room. You've just knocked down the whole wall. Well, good thing I did.

It's dangerous.

Look at this. Blaster's completely dried out. Could have come down any time.

Why didn't you put down a dust sheet?

I mean, gave it a tap.

I'll clear it all up.

Where's the dustpan and brush, then?

judging by this morning so far it's probably the angel of death

I know how difficult it

is to stretch the pennies now that Brian's gone.

It's often the case of a bit nicer groceries or cheaper make -up for me

days. I know how you feel.

Yes.

Not win the lottery. I just won a little bit.

Lovely. Are you sure you won't have sugar?

No, I find it just obscures all the taste. Not necessarily.

So, sis, what brings you to this neck of the woods, then?

Oh, nothing in particular.

Of course, I knew you hadn't really won the lottery.

If you had, you'd have shared it with the family, wouldn't you?

I'm going to use the money on my business. Bill's looking for premises.

He's going to get some new equipment and that.

Equipment? Is that so? What a coincidence.

Oh, where's that thing?

No, I was just thinking of introducing Bill to a very reasonable supplier.

Oh, who's that?

Me.

I just happened to be having a party this afternoon.

What sort of party?

A cap -a -wear party.

That sounds not quite Bill's cup of tea, really.

Well, it's very informal. Sometimes I have someone from the council estate.

Oh, how good of you.

First, I give a little talk about how to keep particular shapes of food fresh

for days.

Today it's small triangular bits.

Then I pass around the relevant piece of caperware and we all practice putting

the lid on properly.

It has to burp.

And then we look at the full range of caperware.

The thing is, team, we're really busy today.

Yes, I've got a lot to do any other time I'd love to come.

Oh, I do it quite often.

Perhaps I...

Long talk about that while we drink our coffee.

I won't be a minute.

Oh, God.

Hello?

Oh, no, not again.

You got the wrong number.

What was that? Who did you say?

Und Frau Grimes. Why would they be ringing us from Germany?

Search me.

I have to be getting on with that thing upstairs. Ben? Well, I'd better fill it

in because... What have you told them? That we'd look after their house while

they're away in Germany?

No, I wouldn't do that.

I said we'd look after their house while they're away in Switzerland.

After the last three times?

It's all right. They haven't got a cat anymore.

Of course they haven't got a cat anymore.

It had a nervous...

Dog, obviously.

No, we killed it, remember?

Why have you done this? Relax. There's no pets left. They haven't got any more.

No pets?

Nothing. The house is empty. I looked in this morning. Everything's fine.

You're sure?

I'm sure.

Hello?

Hello? Hello, Mr Grimes.

What a surprise.

Where are you?

Oh, thank goodness.

We've had a terrible job getting through. The operator kept getting the

number and there was a mad woman at the other end.

Get to the point, Leonard, for heaven's sake. Keep your socks on, Dora. Well,

the time's ticking away.

Oh, be quiet.

Hello. Oh, it's just that Dora was worried for some reason or other that

something might have gone wrong back there.

She gets these funny feelings sometimes.

Make it sound like interjection. Shh!

No, don't worry. We checked this morning and everything's fine.

Everything's fine. Happy now?

Give that to me. Careful!

Are you sure that it's all okay?

No, really.

It's all absolutely all right. Oh, I'm so sorry to bother you then. It must be

my active imagination.

Yes. I just got it into my head that you wouldn't notice them.

Sorry? That you wouldn't notice them as I didn't specifically mention them. I

was worried sick.

Oh, were you?

They have enough food?

Of course. We fed them this morning.

Fed what?

Oh!

Oh, well, that's really put my mind at rest.

I was devastated at the thought we might come home and find that something had

happened to them.

Oh, perish the thought. Get a move on, Dora. It's costing a fortune. Well,

thanks for reassuring me.

No, don't go. I was thinking.

Yes? The things you were talking about.

I just wanted to be doubly sure.

Yeah? They are where they usually are, aren't they?

They wouldn't be anywhere else, would they?

No, I suppose not.

I must go now. I'll pop in as soon as we get back.

Stop by now.

I'm not on a tour of Nathland.

Will this take long? It's an emergency. You two look upstairs. We'll do the

rooms down here. All right, let's get on with it. And be careful!

Just a minute.

What are we looking for?

Well, whatever it is, we haven't noticed them before.

Like what?

If we knew that, we'd have noticed.

Then how do we look for them? We must know something about them.

We know... You have to feed them. There, you see? There's more than one of them.

And they're hungry.

Here, boy.

Puss, puss, puss.

Who's a pretty boy, then?

Go now.

I have to set up my aura -sensitive camera.

All right, cool. Don't be late.

All right, we've been over the whole place. There's nothing in Anthony's

feeding.

Quick.

What? Do something.

What?

They'll kill them. They have to stay in the water.

They could be dead already.

Well, I don't want to kiss them then.

Do something.

Help them.

With what?

That.

I meant the steak.

Perhaps they're hibernating.

About eight and a half inches.

Yes.

I've tried all over London, yes.

It's sort of pinky white with grey patches.

Well, it might have been gold when it was alive.

Looks as if it's... had a bit of a shock.

But then they always do, don't they?

Oh.

Well, do you know anyone that might?

No, I've already tried there.

Well, thanks anyway.

Nobody's got anything like this.

Don't panic.

Don't panic.

I've been to Pet Universe. Our troubles are over.

Hold for that. Where are they? Here.

Let's see.

Nothing in here.

This was in there.

What good is that?

It's a fish book.

They don't need anything to read. They're dead.

What do you mean our troubles are over?

I mean we can find out what they are and ring round.

I've been ringing round for the last two and a half hours. They've only got gold

ones. Ah, yes.

But now we can find out exactly what they are.

Ah, yes.

Here we are.

What we have here is a Japanese ghost koi.

Well, it is now, that's for sure.

Particularly striking, grey and pale yellow skin give these beautiful

their name.

Gregarious and friendly, you can persuade them to eventually eat food out

your hand.

Oh, marvellous. We don't only have to replace them before they get back, we've

got to train them as well.

The stunning example of pond life... Can normally only be found in specialist

collector's shops. Oh, great.

There's a list at the back.

Well, just read out the nearest ones.

Ten to five now.

Er... Right.

Aberdeen.

Barnsley.

Cardiff.

Reading.

Oh, and Swindon.

get them in London? Nope.

Not even in Harrods? Well, there'd be no call for them. The Japanese have

already got them.

So, now what are we going to do?

Perhaps... Yes?

We could ring one of the shops and they could bike some over.

If we ask for them on a pizza, they'll catch up then.

Well, shall I give them a ring in case?

There's no point. It's nearly closing time.

We'll just have to drive to the nearest one sometime before the Grimeses get

back on... The 20th. Right, and then...

What? The 20th.

September the 20th? Yes.

It is September the 20th. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. That's today. No, it isn't.

Today is September the 20th.

Oh.

Now, I wonder if there are any jet aeroplanes in the background when they

up. They must have been at the airport. What time is their plane? Relax.

They won't get here before seven at least.

Yes, but the fish shops are only open for another 35 minutes and they're in

Aberdeen. OK, OK. I'm going to concentrate now. Now.

There must be a solution to all this. Even if we ring them up, we'll never

time to go and collect them. Yes, right. OK, now, where is the nearest shop?

Come on, come on. The nearest shop is... Reading. Reading, which is too far

away, even up the motorway to get to in time. Right, so, here's what we're going

to do.

I am going to take the van and drive to one of the shops in London. You've

already phoned and get some of these, but in gold.

Yes.

Meanwhile... You will take the car to Tesco's... Yes?

...and buy lots and lots of bleach.

You're just making this up as you go along, aren't you? Yes.

It's stupid and cruel. Yes, but would it work?

Ben! Right, OK. Maybe we can... paint them with some special ball... vegetable

-based, eco -friendly, washable dye.

Washable? I mean, indelible.

No.

Well... then you will have to tell her that we killed her fish.

I have to tell her about the dog.

Wait. What am I thinking of? Reading.

Reading. Come on, it's obvious.

Oh, no. We've only just got rid of her. It's all right. I'll phone her. She must

be home by now.

The Grimeses could still get back before we can replace them.

Hi. Hi. Tony and I were just wondering, it's a long time since you've had a meal

cooked for you. Would you and Ben like to come over?

We've got plenty of food in.

Er, we can't. But we know a couple who could.

I want you to promise me, here and now, that you will never say we'll look after

their house ever again. I'm sorry.

You can't go any faster.

We're well over the limit now.

Look out, police car ahead.

It's alright, we're past.

You know, the funny thing is, one day when this is all up...

And use it as defence in a murder trial.

What?

Did you get them?

I hope they're the right sort.

Yes, those are the ones.

They had to use two bags.

Thanks, Jane. Where are you? No trouble at all.

I didn't mind cancelling my cap -a -wear party to do this for you. I'm sure I'll

manage without the extra money I make.

Essential now that Shane and I are a one -parent family.

I'll send you a cheque.

Bye -bye, then. Bye.

You'd better hurry now, or you'll be dead as well.

Oh, they're very healthy -looking fish.

I wasn't talking to the fish.

Can't you wait two seconds, Dora? I want to get inside the house.

Oh, thank you.

Now, where are you taking it? Well, you don't want to leave it in the...

streets, do you? We weren't planning to. It was a whole aching to go inside for

a kiss.

I know what it's like. Well, we'd better hurry then.

No, it won't.

Now what are we going to do?

Well, isn't this nice?

It really is good to see you again.

We've never met before.

Here we are.

More tea.

Oh. Thought you were going to go and get the key.

What key?

The key to this.

Who did you get those from?

Don't you remember?

You told us you were going to show us an amusing trick.

Then you went into the kitchen for half an hour.

Well, never mind. Why don't we all look at your...

of the Alps again.

You've looked at them four times. Yes, but we love them so much.

Oh, I've just remembered.

The key to the handcuffs is in the bedroom.

I'm not at all surprised.

I blame television for this.

Go straight out the back and see if everything's all right.

Oh, must be.

You're back then.

Is everything all right out here? Yes, we were just looking at your beautiful

fish. They're amazing, aren't they?

Oh, they certainly are.

When we left the house, I thought they were all dead.

Not that I'm minded.

I actually prefer the plain gold ones myself.

Oh. Anyway, thanks for looking after everything.

Oh, that's all right.

It was quite a relief to ring you.

Oh? Dora had visions that the trapdoor on the pigeon loft might have dropped

shut in the wind.

Unless it's open all the time, all my racing pigeons would suffocate to death.

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