Original subtitles

Well, what about this one?

A unique and capacious commercial workspace with unlimited potential for

extensive remodelling close to public transport.

What is it? An arch under the station.

Mind you, it hasn't been touched since the war.

Neither has my Aunt Bell, but I wouldn't pay good money for her these days.

What's that one like?

Light and airy. Door won't shut or the roof's fallen in. Both.

Only in this family would somebody win the lottery and spend it all on an old

warehouse. One, I did not win the lottery. I just won a little bit. And

need somewhere to build a new work kitchen.

There are other things to think about, you know. What?

Well, what if someday Clive and I wanted to get a place of our own? You can

sleep there if you promise to catch the mice.

Jackie's mother promised her a deposit for a flat the day she's 18.

I'm not surprised.

If anyone wants me, I'll be in the precinct.

Behind the dry cleaners, sniffing solvent straight from the drums with all

other hopeless dregs of society.

Good.

They've all taken it quite well, really.

Yes, but I had another begging letter this morning. Who from?

The bank, again.

They're trying to sell me investment advice.

What are you going to tell them? Everything I've been dying to for the

years.

But this one looks possible.

Let's see.

Hi, Ro. Hi.

What do you think?

Oh, well, wait till Bill sees that.

What?

Well, the girl in the shop said it reminded her of a Chippendale video.

Yes, the one where they steal Donald Duck's nuts and hide them down a

Well, Rona liked it, didn't you, Rose? No, I just said wait till Bill sees it.

What are you doing in it?

September the 15th. Yes?

It's the Building Trades Exhibition at Olympia.

I'm on the British Federation of Plumbers stand.

What as?

A plumber!

Well, you never wear that at work.

Well, it's very important we give the impression that this is a serious

profession.

this my chance to get into modelling?

Well, I'm sure Naomi can. Why don't they start somewhere?

As a U -Bend, have you any idea what it's like riding the central line

as a sanitary?

I've heard all the smarty -pants remarks I can take.

Did they make you flush?

I don't have to be here, you know. I know, she didn't mean it, did you?

I only came because the cat's coughing up balls and I can't hear Andy Peters.

And if anyone says it amounts to the same thing, I'll whop them once.

Come on, I'll take you down Paddy's and get you something to eat.

Hey, I don't even know how to get out of this thing.

We could always stick an old coat hanger down you. I heard that.

See you later. Bye.

Bye, Ben.

I found this one. It's near the redevelopment area.

Trendy land.

Handy for the cash and carry.

Let's see.

we go and take a quick look? It can't do any harm. What's the time?

Nearly 9 .30.

I'm going to pry David out of his bed using a fish fly.

Why is it the bigger he gets, the more he sleeps?

I'm sure the hospital did genetic experiments on him using the DNA of a

tortoise.

I'll just pop and tell Tony where we're going and see if he wants any more

paint. You've got him painting the house. You only did it a few months ago.

I discovered he does the painting and he's not wearing anything.

But you've seen all that before.

like rubbing the drips off later.

you been down here?

All the time.

I didn't see you.

Didn't you?

I suppose you want your breakfast now.

Nah, I'll get myself something.

And clear it all away?

I made my bed, didn't I? So I noticed.

For a moment I thought you hadn't been in it.

Did you?

Ready? Oh, hello. Not dressed yet? Nah.

Rona and I are going out.

All right.

We'll be back by tea time.

Oh, no. Oh, here.

OK, come on.

Bye. Bye.

Oh, I forgot I'm going to be out of petrol. Do you mind if we go in Tony's

interrupt something back there?

No.

No, I don't think so.

Go then!

Hello.

I knew it was you.

No, there's nobody else here at the moment.

Yeah, I made it back.

Just.

Ask me what?

Oh, no, I can't. Not this afternoon.

Because I'm still worn out after the last time.

Well, I suppose I could just about dredge up the energy.

Are you sure you want to?

Say do I.

All right, then. See you soon.

Bye. Oh, um, did I drop a piece of paper at your place?

Never mind.

It's not here, so it must be.

All right, then. See you soon.

Bye.

Nobody warned me this would be so tiring.

Sorry about the music. I don't know how to turn it off.

Why not?

It's on an eight -track cartridge. The last person who understood them died in

1977.

Doesn't matter. I quite like it.

Roundabout's just a bit further on. What's the name of the road?

Hang on.

What's that?

Bunty Manson?

What?

What is it?

I want to know if it's Bunty Manson.

I don't know. Is that all it says?

Thanks.

Bill, we're just coming up to the roundabout.

Uh, Tyler Avenue, net.

Okay.

So, what's the story?

Where did you come from?

I might ask you the same question.

What's that supposed to mean?

You weren't in your bed first thing this morning.

How do you know?

I came in to wake you early. There was something about UFOs on GMTV.

Aren't you supposed to be out with Dreamboat?

I forgot my purse.

Oh, no. You're not getting out of here until you tell me.

Tell you what?

Don't try that innocent act.

You're never going to win an Oscar.

And you're about as innocent as chocolate -covered dynamite. Oh, yeah.

Look, you'd better tell me now what's going on.

Then we can both work out how to break the noose tomorrow.

Let me part. No, I want to know what you're up to.

You think I'm just a little boy hiding a frog in his pocket from his mother.

Look at me. Really look at me.

Do you see now?

Can you see further than your little brother? David, you're hurting my arm.

Don't you think I have thoughts of my own? And feelings.

Don't you think I have the right to my own wants and needs?

I'm tired of being a baby around here.

And what I was doing this morning is my own business.

See, it doesn't always come out, you know.

Sooner or later, somebody will put all the pieces together.

I don't know.

What do you think?

It's going to take a troop of navvies to turn that into a kitchen.

Oh, well, let's have it.

What's down there?

Just the other road, I think.

Rona? What?

Come round here.

What?

This is David's scrawl. I must have picked it up by accident.

Yeah?

It doesn't say Bunty Manson at all. It says Beauty Manson.

Are you sure?

It's very untidy.

See?

I knew there was something funny about him this morning.

Why would David have written that down?

I don't know, but I'm going to find out. Wait for me in the car.

How long will you be? As long as it takes.

Can I

help you, madam?

I'm not sure.

Have you got an appointment?

Oh, no, no. I was wondering if you knew of anyone called Faith.

Oh, you're in luck, madam.

We're just having a cancellation.

Faith!

She never even heard of David.

How bad does it look?

What

do

I find out what he's really been up to?

Finally got all the make -up off.

What did you use?

Oven cleaner.

Not really.

This must be the piece of paper he was looking for earlier.

I heard him say something about it while I was outside getting my keys out.

So, who is Bunty Manson?

We don't know that it necessarily says that.

Well, we proved it's not Beauty Mansion.

What else could it be?

Barry Mason.

Who? Barry Mason. He was the radio one...

Jockey in the Seventies. Was he?

Do you remember his jingle?

No. The Barry Mason Show, the Barry Mason Show on Wonderful Radio One.

No, it's too obscure.

Well, what's your suggestion then?

Fatty Marlon.

What? Fatty Marlon.

Batty Marlin. A man called Marlin who's gone a bit batty, obviously.

You mean you don't know of anyone specific called Batty Marlin?

No, but I'm not David.

It has to be something that has a fair chance of meaning something that goes

without saying.

Oh, like Bunty Manson, that well -known English country member of the Manson

family. Well, it was the first thing I thought of.

Doesn't have to be a name, even.

It could say... Boring Marcus or... Boiling Maureen.

Boiling Maureen! Oh, my God!

Well, it doesn't necessarily have to be Maureen. I don't want him boiling

anyone!

What am I doing?

He's got me believing this is rubbish now. This could say anything.

Let's stick to what we know for sure.

Well, he definitely wasn't in his bed when I got up the first thing this

morning. And you say you heard him talking to someone on the phone?

Yes. And he took his bag with him wherever he went.

Well, it's not much to go on, really.

Where are you going?

To Satchie's room.

You can't do that.

Why? David, whatever he's done, is a member of this family and as such

expects you to show respect for his personal privacy.

I suppose you're right.

I'll go.

You were just going to.

Yes, but you explained why I shouldn't. Yes, but I have to go in his room all

the time. It's different.

Anyway, I know everything that's usually in there.

Do you know everything that's usually in my room?

Oh, yes.

Everything.

Do you think this other word is... Looks like face.

Surely he... No.

It's impossible.

What?

No, it's not possible.

What? No!

It's nothing. Nothing. Just a silly idea.

After all, he's not taken a change of clothing in the mouthwash from the

bathroom. He's taken a change of clothing in the mouthwash from the

What?

Ronan's just thought something.

Oh, no.

You're just there. I would think of it. Think of what?

That's at least one very obvious explanation for all this, isn't there?

Think about it. He's missing from his bedroom in the morning.

He gets mysterious phone calls. He carries about a change of clothing and a

bottle of mouthwash.

He's staying up all night looking for aliens from distant

galaxies with Listerine -based life forms. No!

I mean, David's discovered...

rather a weird boy, but a boy.

It's possible.

He's nearly 16 now.

16? When your father was 16, he wore shorts, etch -sweats and read comics,

this isn't a particularly good example, I grant you. But the point is, 16 is boy

age. I agree with Jenny. After all, at 16, they have all the parts.

Rona, 16 -year -old boys are like the inside... of World Cookery week by week

your newsagent. They know that one day they might get all the parts, but for

moment, they've got part one with part two and three free, and that's quite

enough to be going on.

But you must admit it would explain everything.

Oh, yes, and I suppose this is her name and address. Faith, who lives at Baring

Mansion.

That's it!

That's exactly what it says, Baring Mansion.

We don't even know there is a Baring Mansion.

W11. Look, there's the phone number, Viv.

0171 727 4493.

Yes.

Well, of course, you know, we can't possibly ring it.

What will we say?

We can't be sure that's where he is. Or where he's been.

We'll just have to wait until he comes home and talk it all through with him

then. Yes.

What's the number?

727 -4493.

It's ringing.

Hello? Oh, Bill!

You're our terrible girl's mother!

Of course it was. It's her phone.

We're never going to find out anything at this rate.

Oh, right.

Possibly speak to your daughter.

Oh? If she's there.

I'm afraid she's not lived here since she left for university.

There's only me now.

Oh? Will you be long?

Just coming, darling.

Are you still there?

Sorry, wrong number.

Was that David's voice? Yes. Couldn't have been. She said she was the only one

there. Bill, what's the matter? I knew that music in the car was worrying me.

Isn't it obvious what's happened to him? No. Do you remember what happened to

Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate?

No!

Oh, my God, no!

That's horrible!

Pulling his teeth out without an anaesthetic!

That was Marathon Man.

I'm talking about The Graduate. Do you remember Mrs Robinson?

Well, what do you think they do? Take you into hospital on your 35th birthday,

suck out all your sex drive like liposuction and replace it with an

desire for knitting patterns?

I didn't mean you.

It's all right for you to do it, if you only do it with Dad.

Well, I'll just crawl into my grave now, shall I? What I mean is, well, why

would a mature woman do it?

Oh, that's easy in theory.

After all, a woman's in her sexual prime into her 40s when a man's peak is at

17.

Certainly all adds up with the fact.

Oh, no.

In practice, the whole thing's completely unbelievable.

Is it? Oh, yeah.

What would Anne Bancroft see in Dustin Hoffman? He's tiny.

He's got that awful nose.

What's the film? I meant David. Do you think he could possibly be seeing her?

It's not possible. I don't believe it. Not David.

I mean, only last week he was writing to the FBI to ask if he could take over

the Exiles.

She's right, Bill.

The very idea is so unlikely.

I mean, he's still a boy.

He's just a boy in the first uncertain flush of manhood.

He probably has these feelings, urges he can't explain, hormones pounding

through his bloodstream night and day, day and night.

He's probably a lonely divorcee, time on her own in an empty flat, feeling her

life is ticking away.

Looking for something to help restore that feeling of youth.

Oh, God!

That does it! I have had a gutful. That was without doubt the most unbelievably

nasty and humiliating day of my entire life.

It was quite funny, really. Funny?

You know what funny is compared with today? Funny is when I get up in the

morning and accidentally pull on a giant stinging Portuguese man -of -war

jellyfish instead of my wife, Rance. That!

It's funny.

What happened today was not funny. What happened today was tragic.

Oh, don't be such a misery gut.

Did something go wrong at the show?

We never even made it to the show. We only got out of Paddy's cab half an hour

ago when the fire brigade turned up with their cutting equipment.

They were quite good about it, though. Yes, well, I don't suppose they see a

woman dressed as a Eubens jammed in a ladies' lavatory every day of the week.

Well, they should have made it bigger in there. I mean, what would have happened

if I'd have been pregnant? They only deal in emergencies, not miracles.

Well, there's no need to be so unpleasant.

You can tell me all about it later.

Oh, I don't need to. You can see it for yourself tonight on the local TV news.

Or, if you prefer to read it in the paper, plumber goes round the bend.

Red -faced Ben Porter found his plumbing skills of no use today to unblock a

you, Ben.

Embarrassed Ben, 37, on his way to represent the British Plumbing

Olympia, was unable to release his costumed mate, Christine Atkins, 27.

It's a good picture of me, though, isn't it?

Just leave it, will you? It's embarrassing enough.

Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist.

I mean, who was it who said there's no such thing as bad publicity?

Hitler.

Some of you just don't understand the value of free advertising.

I just don't think I can take much more today.

Well, I think I'd better be getting back to help Tony. And Claude will be

wondering where I've got to.

Bye, Mum.

Good luck.

Thank you.

John. Thanks.

When we've loaded this, we'll come back for the bed.

It's not coming from 206, is it?

No, 606. Well, it's luck.

I thought you might have been doing a flit.

No such luck.

You have six.

Mrs. M. Faith.

Right.

Why don't we just go home and wait for him to come back?

No, Ben. We already decided about this. You decided?

So did you.

I'll ring on the bell then.

You ring it. Why can't you do it?

What if they're in the middle of something?

Why, you want them to ring it.

It could be very embarrassing.

What have you heard yet? Look through the letterbox.

No.

You can't.

I'm not really sure that

I should be here like this. Come over here, please.

To the bed. Of course to the bed. What do you think I meant?

I need someone to check the bulb in the bedside lamp for me.

Can't your husband check it for you? It'll only take a moment.

I think I'd be better if I stayed over here.

Come over here now.

Please.

What is it?

You don't want to know. I can't be that bad.

Hello.

We're David's parents.

I see.

Look who's here.

How did you find this place?

That's my toy.

I only borrowed it.

And where did you get the rest of that outfit?

Maggie got it for me. It's only hired. It'll go back as soon as it's all over.

Pardon?

So, what do you want to do? Take David home now? Or shall we carry on and you

can watch?

Call me Maggie, darling.

What exactly were you doing?

Maggie's coaching me for the County Drama Awards.

Before she was a teacher, she used to be an actress.

I'm sorry.

I had no idea you didn't know about this.

No, it's my fault. I'm sorry. I should have told you.

It's the theme from The Graduate. You know, Miss Robinson.

You don't think I dress like this all the time.

Why didn't you tell us?

I didn't want any of you to be there when I did the scene.

Why?

Because I might be terrible.

I might be no actor at all.

I don't want anyone to be ashamed of me.

Right? We wouldn't be ashamed of you, would we, Ben?

No. If you weren't, we'd be ashamed of you. Ben.

When's the competition?

Tuesday after school.

Don't worry.

Good or bad, we'll all be proud of you.

Thanks.

Don't let him stay too long. I won't.

Come along.

Coming.

What do we do?

Now what? Oh,

all my doors have to be shut.

She'd be mine.

What? The day my son becomes an actor.

I'm going to have to lock me in a box and carry me away.

Aha!

Yeah. Maggie, thanks for everything.

That's all right.

I mean, everything.