Original subtitles

White. White.

Coloured.

White.

Coloured.

You can't do that.

My gym socks will go pink.

No, they won't. They will.

I have done washing before, you know.

But what if they do?

Why don't you just make me wear one of your dresses?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that. You can save up for your own dresses.

What are you doing? My pink T -shirt will go blue.

No, it won't. That's my favourite one.

It'll be all right.

Don't you know the clothes you mix have to be fast?

They have to be Linford Christie in this house or they'll make it to the washing

machine.

Aren't you getting ready?

What for?

It's Saturday night. You're usually out of the front door quicker than Cecil

Parkinson at Mothercare.

Are you trying to stop me? I don't. You do?

You say you don't like my friends.

I do not. It's no concern of mine who your friends are.

Anyway, I like Sammy.

I haven't gone out with Sammy since third year.

Oh? Who do you go out with on Saturdays, then?

Steve and his brother.

What? Steve on the corner?

Yeah.

He was caught stealing a car, wasn't he?

No. He borrowed it. We've got to tell his uncle.

You mean you were there?

No. It was just a misunderstanding.

Anyway, there's worse things that could happen to me.

I'd like to know what.

A boy in Wisconsin got picked up by aliens who sliced up his head -like span

while he was still conscious.

Oh, thank you. I hadn't even thought of that one. And another boy in Mexico was

attacked in the street by a flock of radioactive parrots.

which pecked out... Yes!

Well, if you are going to stay at home, I want you to sit there and be quiet.

What's all that stuff?

Rona's coming over.

We're going to do the estimates of whether we can afford to rent somewhere

our work kitchen.

We won't be able to have the TV on.

But aren't we going to watch... What?

In 1953, a woman in Tennessee gave birth to a half -human creature.

Don't we all?

What are you saying?

Nothing. I got confused.

Oh. God, I might have known you'd be hanging around to see what happens.

Aren't you getting ready to go out?

Laura and Harry have taken Clive to visit his aunt and uncle and their

child. I'm not particularly pleased to be forced to stain and witness in all

your greed.

All right, what's going on?

Told me what?

We could tell you, but we assumed you knew.

But as you don't know, well...

It's not really for us to say.

You do understand.

Oh, yes, that's very mature of you both.

I quite understand you not wanting to get involved.

I suppose I'll just have to use up the time before your father gets back

somehow.

Curb my dad.

Ah, it's all right. I did remember to get it. Get what?

What you asked me to. Oh, really?

Yeah. It's out in the car. I'm just going to go and get it now, and I'll

it back in.

Um, what size one was it again?

What size?

Of what? And that.

I didn't ask you to get me anything.

That's why I didn't. I was asking if there was anything you wanted to tell

Happy birthday.

Happy Valentine's. Happy... This is cruelty.

She means she knows about the lottery ticket.

Ah. We didn't want to tell her. Yes, well, I was going to tell you as soon as

got back in. Ben. Yes, well, you see, David and I went past the shop yesterday

and I said, didn't I? I said, why not?

Ben. I mean, there's no harm in it. It doesn't cost a lot of money. It's just a

bit of fun.

bit of fun. Yeah.

Come and sit down.

Oh, God, do we have to? Why can't we just...

We

talked the whole thing over together and we all agreed that none of us would

ever buy a lottery ticket, remember?

Yes, but... Nothing but a tack on stupidity. Yeah, but... Totally

way to give to charity.

Yes, but... And the chances of ever winning are tiny.

Yes.

But... But what?

But it's a rollover week. I can't stand this. It's just the same as the last

time we discussed it. No, it isn't. We didn't talk about rollover weeks. Well,

what's the difference with a rollover week? A lot.

Such as?

It's a question of mathematics.

Oh, how?

Well, nobody won last week.

Yes. Well, don't you see? That's why I bought a ticket.

What you're saying is, last week millions of people paid out all that

Yes. And nobody got anything back at all. Exactly.

And this has encouraged you to buy a ticket this week. No, Martin, that's not

at all. You see, you make it sound like it's a waste of money.

It is. No, it isn't, because nobody won last week, so there's more money to be

won this week. Nobody could win again. Yes, but they might not win a lot more.

Then next week there'd be even more money. Of course.

Yes, but you've got an even better chance of winning.

Why? Because nobody won last week. How does that make it a better chance?

Look.

Look.

Say 30 million people bought a ticket last week. That means you've got a 30

million to one chance of winning.

No, it doesn't.

How do you know?

We did it in maths. It's not how many people there are, but how many balls.

49. Right. So there's 49 balls and 30 million people. That's, uh...

Three -fifths of a ball for every million people.

Well, they only get the two -sixths of the balls.

Right, so that's three -fifths of a ball divided by six million...

Oh, is that multiply?

You have a one in 49 chance of picking the first ball, then a one in 48 for the

second, and so on for all six.

So you multiply 49 by 48.

49 by 48.

The total by 47.

Then by 46. Then by 45.

And then by 44.

45 by 44.

Yeah, that can't be right.

Not quite. You divide that by two because it doesn't matter which order

them.

And that's your chance of winning.

Yeah, but that's not so bad.

Five billion.

1 ,173 ,760 to 1.

Yes, well, it sounds a lot when you read it out. It is a lot. Yes, but there's

the bonus ball.

What do you mean, aha?

How exactly does that make any difference? Well, it makes the world a

difference. How?

Well, you... Multiply that by 43 and divide by 6 factorials. You see, there's

the factorials.

The chance you have of winning is always the same. Yes, but on rollover week,

you can win a lot more.

How can you be sure?

Because nobody won last week.

But everybody might win this week. Then you'd all have to share it.

Yes.

But... It's a rollover week.

What's it matter? He's got the ticket now.

Yes, you're right.

Well, I think the best thing is if you give it to me and I'll throw it away.

You what?

I'll throw it away. You've seen the chance you have of winning. Yes, but we

still could win.

Pointless. Why don't we vote on it? Who's right there? Who says we should

the ticket?

I thought you agreed with me.

Not to buy one in the first place.

What time's the draw? Eight o 'clock.

Oh, all right. I'll ring Rona and see if we can do our financial things at her.

Don't you want to see if we win?

It's not exactly going to be a surprise.

You might as well give Sooty a soda siphon. I hope he's going to make you a

drink.

Thought you'd given up trying for a baby.

He's going through every record since 1971.

Does Norris McWhirter know?

His DJ records.

They're all over everywhere, being catalogued. You can't even get through

front door without squashing Martha Reeves and the Vandellas.

Well, that answers my question.

Have you seen Cliff Richard?

He's on the bathroom floor with Take That.

What question?

Nothing. For the first time in living memory, everyone's staying home tonight.

To watch the lottery result.

Oh, well, you're always complaining you don't see enough of them on Saturday

night. I know. I suppose we'll just have to go upstairs or something.

Yeah. Well, see you later, then.

Any idea what Madonna is under at the moment?

Could be anything, by all accounts.

Why is everyone looking at me?

We, uh, were wondering if there might be any food.

Doesn't have to be much.

Is there

anything else?

Yes, there's still the melamine coating on the shelves, if you'd like to nibble

that off.

sandwiches. Oh, we thought we'd had yours.

Oh,

it doesn't matter.

You

know what I'd do with

the money?

You already told us yesterday you'd buy Spurs three new players, except they'd

have little shirts printed on their backs with, presented to Tottenham

by Ben S. Porter.

Essential heating repairs.

Well, I'd keep the job, obviously. I wouldn't let it go to my head.

Go to your head? Why stop at the shirt?

Why don't you just have your name permanently tattooed onto them?

Can I do it?

Why not just buy it first completely?

What? And get knocked into a takeover battle with Alan Sugar?

He even saw off Terry Venables.

I've changed my mind now. I'm thinking about it more seriously.

You see, the mistake people usually make is they go straight away for something

too big. You know, something that flatters their ego.

No, you need something a bit more understated.

Like your indoor shopping mall, leisure centre and theme park.

No, even a project like Porterworld has its limitations.

Porterworld? You'll have to call it something.

Now, this is my current plan. I'd keep the business as it is now, but now I'll

be able to charge exactly what I wanted.

So if people were nice to me or poor, I'd say, that's all right, there'll be

charge, courtesy of Ben Porter.

But if they were some snidey yuppie, I'd say, oh, dear, what a pity.

I was going to do it for free, but seeing as I don't like the look of you,

that'll be full price.

That's terrible.

Why?

What if they were poor, but you didn't like them? They should make me like

That's fascism.

No, it isn't. You're using your money to control people. No, I'm not. I'm using

it as a charity.

Then why don't you just give it to the people who need it?

The people who spend every day completely hopeless.

Now we're back to Spurs again.

They've done a lot better recently.

Oh, they couldn't have got much worse.

You're no son of mine.

You don't want to be the son of a manipulative capitalist.

Look, I agreed we'd watch the lottery draw, but until then I'd be very

if everyone would just keep the conversation down.

Couldn't do it in a charity anyway.

What?

Death duties.

Yes!

What are you talking about?

Death duties.

What death duties?

Well, if you give some money away and you die within seven years, then they

to pay tax on the full amount.

I'm 17 and a half.

What's going to happen to me in seven years?

You could catch a freak virus that ages you like an 80 -year -old.

Listen here. This man caught it, and six months later, he looked like this. Oh,

my God!

They said it escaped from a government -turned -warfare laboratory by accident

in a diseased mouse.

Shut up!

And we've got a mouse in the kitchen, haven't we? Make him stop!

And I think its eyes glow in the dark.

David!

Well, it doesn't have to be that. It can be any strange, unexplainable accident.

I notice you've been very quiet about what you'd spend the money on.

Ah, just the same as anyone else. Big house, big car, big computer, a pizza

factory and lots of prostitutes.

Are you joking?

Of course, the wise man would put it all into a trust.

What exactly is a trust? Well, it...

Like the Wellcome Trust or the Roundtree Trust. And Trust House 40.

I still haven't forgotten that crack about spurs yet, you know. Well, what

you going to buy them next? A smaller goal? Well, I might just do that.

That's enough!

I think we've wasted quite enough time this evening talking about the stupid

lottery money.

You'll get half of it. There is no half. We're not going to win, don't you see?

That's exactly why they make such a lot of money. It's all complete fantasy.

This is the real money situation right here, and it's not looking very

promising.

Don't eat, page 111.

What are you doing?

We're just looking at sea facts. We'll be very quiet.

Seeing how much the jackpot is? Yep.

Here it comes.

Well, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Wow. Is that a mistake?

No, that's it.

How much is it?

You told us not to tell you. No, I don't want to know.

Oh, my God, that can't be right. It is.

That's enormous.

It's run over a week.

That's more money than you can even imagine.

Just think what we could do if we had that.

Just a minute.

What do you mean?

If we had that.

What? Well, I bought the ticket. You were dead against it.

You just said I could have half. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, what I actually said... A moment ago, you said in front of everybody that

I'd be getting half, didn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, but you don't need half of all that.

What do you mean, I don't need it? Well, we'll buy a new house, new things, new

furniture. Yes.

Well, you'll be getting the benefits of it, too.

Oh, so I don't have to move out and live under an old sack in the coal shed,

then? Oh, no, hear me out.

And I'll give you some money now and again, you know, to get yourself some

things.

No, I want my half.

What do you want with all that money?

I'd like to use it on the business.

What business?

The catering business.

You can't carry on in the catering business in our position.

What will the neighbours say?

neighbours in Surrey.

Surrey? Well, that's where our new house is.

I don't want to live in Surrey. All right, well, wherever it is.

Mixing with those sort of people, you have to find a more suitable business.

What was all that about you keeping your business, then? Yes, well, that's

before I saw the figure. Obviously, that amount of money would change our lives

if it came to me. It won't.

Yes, but if it did... No, it won't come to you.

Eh? He bought the ticket, but I gave him the pound.

Yeah, but I didn't want to break a 20.

So? The fake money was mine.

Yes, well, I'd give you some, obviously.

You can have some of my half. There's no such thing as your half.

I see.

Go on, David.

I took the risk with my capital, so the whole lot is mine. Ah, yes.

But legally, you're too young to buy a ticket.

We'll see if they say that in court.

Court? I'm going to sue you. Your own father?

You've got no witnesses.

Short word against mine.

Perhaps. But it's not going to look very good in the papers.

Papers? I bet the son would pay good money for an exclusive interview with

son of Dirty Dad. Dirty Dad!

He stole from his own son to make himself rich.

I'll give you a million to keep quiet. Yes.

What about lunch? You can take me to court too.

Yeah, all right, I'll give you all a million. You said I could have half. I'm

witness to that.

All right, well, you can have half and you can have a million each. Then that's

my complete and final offer.

What do you think? What do you think?

You have to have it in writing.

What? What are we doing?

Fifteen minutes ago we were a family, now we're an episode of Dallas.

It's all the fault of this terrible lottery.

I knew it was a bad idea.

Surely we know by now we can trust each other.

Exactly.

Well, maybe it would save a lot of argument.

Oh, Bill!

And that's the last I want to hear on this subject.

Hang on, are both your millions coming out of my heart?

We don't care.

worse off than your mother, aren't they? The one who bought the ticket.

Well, this is nothing short of extortion.

There you are.

Satisfied?

Ben, you do remember where you put the ticket, don't you? It's in the pocket of

my work jeans.

Oh, good.

numbers you chose.

No, I just chose them off the top of my head. Could be anything.

Oh, could they?

I thought you didn't want to talk about this anymore.

No, I don't.

Hello. What are you doing? Just stay right there.

Just get the things.

What?

We're just going to be at Rona's for a while. You'll miss the draw.

Oh, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be back. You don't want to miss Mystic Meg.

Who could with that hair? Come on.

Hurry up. There isn't much time.

I told you there's no room at mine.

Get in your car, quick.

selling tickets until 7 .30.

I want to know the numbers.

It can be anything. It doesn't really... There's somewhere.

Now where?

A bit further on.

Look.

Time. You sure it's open?

Yeah, I can see some people buying... Don't come in! What?

Go on!

Laura and Harry with Clive. So?

Pull in over there.

They think I'm in your house, remember?

Anything you want me to get? I might come in.

Have a look at this bunch of good flowers.

What about the little monster?

Just explain to them. They already think I'm strange.

What are they doing?

Just putting in the petrol.

Nobody's watching.

Nobody at all?

to the toilet.

Hang around here.

my work jeans?

Oh, well, it's not in them, I forgot to tell you. What do you mean?

Looking for this by any chance?

Where did you get that?

Oh, thank you, Christine, for rushing over here on a bus seat that would give

haemorrhoids to Lucinda Pryor Palmer.

Yeah, yeah.

Somebody put it in my wage packet instead of my post -it when I made it

They're starting up the machine.

Give me that.

Uh -uh -uh -uh. What are the magic words?

I'll give you a million.

The second ball out tonight is number 15.

Bill?