Original subtitles

And now tonight's classic movie.

Viewers are warned that the subject matter involves characters who react

frank and unrestrained language.

Oh, now I want to record this for ages.

It's all right, we'll take over this suede concert.

No!

Some horror thing!

That's mine.

I haven't watched that.

Oh, no, it's a good bit.

What's all that for?

I'll do the videos. I don't think so.

If that happens, I'll not have the beginning.

Oh, never mind.

What are you doing in here?

Just looking at it.

It's great, isn't it?

Well, there's no going back now.

Here, I made you some Complan.

You feeling less faint now?

I think so.

I'll let in a bit of fresh air.

Better?

Good.

Let's have another look at the chart.

I should still be ovulating.

into your groin? From round my neck.

Well, I don't know. They work for a witch on Robert Kilroy's silk.

Shall we get on with things?

Yeah, yeah.

Tony? Hmm?

Aren't you coming upstairs?

Thought I was upstairs.

No, look, it's the living room, see?

Oh, yeah.

Coming up, then.

I don't think I can.

Is it the twigs? No, not the twigs. We don't have to use the twigs. They're

optional. Plenty of people have twigless babies. Would you prefer the whale

music?

What a new batch. They're supposed to be very good. The rhythms of nature.

What do you think?

The gibbon grove in Madagascar during pairing season.

The Indian jungle on Midsummer's Night.

How about a 20 -tonne humpback off the coast of Gibraltar?

Is it going to work?

Well, it's just swimming around, I think.

Is it going to make you conceive?

Well, it might. Do we don't know? Do we try?

Rona,

you're all getting too much for me.

You're not giving up on me now, are you?

Perhaps you should try with somebody else.

Don't you want to carry on?

Well, the mind is willing, but the flesh is... I think... Sorry.

No.

All right, I understand.

I suppose it was to be expected, really.

It's not a pretty fate for a man, after all, is it?

To be kept in a house by an insatiable woman, making impossible demands

on him day and night.

forcing him to have sex with her over and over and

over and over.

Why do we have to go upstairs when all we need is downstairs?

Such as what?

Well, this for a start.

What have you made them?

Lemon meringue pie.

Yum, yum, big fun. They're not for us.

Where did you get those shoulder pads? Are they mine?

They're out today.

Didn't you know?

Put them back where you found them.

Not on the laptop.

Oh, no.

Here, wipe off.

Didn't cut up anything on these and not leave any blood.

Get rid of this and wash your hands.

Just a minute. What have you been cutting up in here?

Nothing much.

Not in there, in here.

You're using that. This one? the hands. That one's for food.

And don't put your hands on the tea towel.

What? We always used to. It's different now. We're not playing at this anymore.

We're... What do you mean, nothing much?

Nothing.

You are not to conduct any of your weird experiments or cut up anything on these

worktops. Understand?

What about that?

Not even him.

Why is it all up for him to clean his work boots on? Where?

Just there. Oh, wonderful.

to the edge of Mount Etna.

Oh, the Blues Brothers.

Great. I'm keeping it.

Why are you recording Channel 4 now? I'm not.

You are.

Switch to the video channel.

Yes, yes. Look, I'm recording this.

What?

Please don't eject! No!

You did it on purpose, don't you? You know I love that film.

Mum? What?

I've got a minute. Does it look like it?

Club will be here in a minute. Hey, just for the dress rehearsal.

We've got tonight?

Yes, but, well... Oh,

they're still soggy at the bottom.

What's the matter with them?

What? I need to talk to you about something.

Oh, can't it wait?

I'll have to put them... back and hope for the best.

Why have you got so much pastry left?

It's about the show.

You've been practising your song for weeks, haven't you? Yes. Oh, there you

Oh, it's for Keith, basically. Well, I'll have to put the extra in the fridge

for now.

Can't you stop for a minute?

I've told you, this is my work now.

Why don't you talk it over with Father?

With Dad?

Yeah. He might be surprised how understanding he is. You git.

Right.

That's it.

You've done this once too often. I'm pulling her... That's your plug,

First lot must be set by now.

Now we'll see who's boss, shall we? Who chooses which channel to record?

Not so tough with your current turned up, are you?

Just making a technical adjustment there.

You all right?

Yeah.

Fine, thanks.

Any sign of my...

Where's Rona?

Hello,

babe. Come on, baby.

Jane! I'm just coming.

Well, come in, come in.

How are the old brewers going?

All right. Getting nervous about the big night, are we?

It's just a concert in the school hall. Well, if you need a hand... No, well...

Bill, can you make a cup for Clive?

When are you going to fix this wire?

Hopeless with anything electrical.

Hi, Bill.

You look good.

Thanks. I just have to do my lipstick.

Exactly. Um... Are you wearing the right to... Fine.

Clive, we're going to be late.

Hello, Jenny.

Hello, Charlene.

This is Charlene.

She's in the show, too.

Oh, uh... How do you, uh...

Oh, God.

Well, there's yours, anyway.

Bill, can I ask you something technical?

What, now?

How do you make small breasts bigger?

Ferdinand Crute. Not chicken breasts.

Real breasts.

I've told you before, Ben. Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't natural. You're

you are.

Not mine.

Pass me that saucepan.

Why this sudden entry?

Oh, I just wondered.

If you saw someone and they looked... bigger than they were before, what would

you think?

Probably a wonder bra.

A wonder bra?

Yes, you must have seen them in the shops.

No. They're all great.

They take what you've got, push it and sort of squeeze it all up to the top.

How do you mean?

Well, you start with this.

Where is she?

Bill. She's probably lost into a baby dream again. Bill, something's up with

Jenny. I think you should talk to her. You talk to her. I'm busy. I can't talk

to her about this.

Her life's on. She must be in. I'd better go and get her or we'll never get

anything done tonight.

I know I got you one ages ago.

Where was it?

My sock drawer.

That is not funny.

All right, you can go now.

I want to see you play.

Look, this is private. I just want to mellow out with a blues session.

Go on.

I'm dead.

All right, but don't break the mood once I've started.

Count me in for four, all right? OK.

Come on.

laid ones. Well, how difficult can it be?

You can only suck or blow.

Count me in again.

One, two, three, four.

Well, what are you staring at?

Well, I thought you'd gone to the show.

Where's Mum?

Well, she's talking to Rona about some food.

I might have known.

That's all she ever cares about these days.

Just go back up and talk to her. Yeah, you better.

So don't remember. We'll be over in a minute.

Well?

That's that.

Where's Tony?

Go sleep up.

Nothing will wake him up tonight.

Where did they come from?

Pizza Hut.

With a medium deep pan, regular diet Coke and two poisonous reptiles of your

choice for 4 .95.

How should I know?

I must have got in through the window.

What are we going to do?

I don't know about you, but I'm not planning on doing anything.

What if we inch very slowly towards the door?

Good idea.

nearer the door.

All right.

No, I don't think they like that idea.

Oh, I'm going to have to move in a minute. My legs are going dead.

Just be your legs if you make a movement.

Well, what's your suggestion?

Wait here for the flying mongoose?

How long do snakes live?

I don't know.

Not David Attenborough. Why?

We must live longer than snakes.

Are you suggesting we just wait here till they drop dead?

Yes. Well, don't they charm snakes in India? I don't understand.

Well, play them some music with stereos on.

Well, I'm not touching it.

The remote's just down here.

Watch out.

All I have to do is change it from

tape to tape.

pacified them.

What is this CD?

Seventies Gold, Volume 18.

Is it working?

Well, if it isn't, death's not going to seem so unwelcome.

I want to look like a bleak dog in front of the whole school.

But that's a porter family tradition.

I knew you wouldn't understand.

You're a man.

Yeah, that's right. I don't understand. I don't know anything.

I don't even know what a wonder bra is.

What about the show?

You saw Charlene.

Not just before Clive and me.

Who's going to want to see St Michael's Mount when they've been marvelling at

the Himalayas?

It's going to be totally, utterly humiliating. She's not that wonderful.

It's all right for you. You've never had to worry about things like that. Oh,

no?

It was Christopher Tuck for a start.

Who? When we were at school.

Christopher Tuck.

He was captain of the football team.

He was captain of the rugby team.

He'd have been captain of the Titanic if it involved wearing shorts.

Whenever we split into basketball teams, he'd always be in skins, I would always

be in shirts.

Everybody knew I wobbled when I ran.

I don't see what that's got to do with it.

You didn't see him in the showers.

I used to pray to God, please don't let me have to shower next to Christopher

Tuck. I'd be suicidal for a week.

You mean he was... Unbelievably.

He only had to appear in his swimming costume and the RE mistress would faint.

Then one day, I bumped into Susan Woolley, the girl we married.

Guess what?

They got divorced after two weeks. I asked her why.

She said he was hopeless in bed.

He only cared about himself.

Do you see?

I think so.

Appearances don't matter in the long run. It's what you are.

Of course.

Now I've got a complete log in my trousers, I have it both ways.

Still have to go on after Charlene, though. That's true. What time does it

start? Pugsley!

It started.

Not much time, then.

What?

We have to think of something to help Jen out. She's going on after Charlene.

Charlene Tipton.

Why, what's she doing?

Her Madonna impression.

The front row may explode.

Think fast, Mr. Motto.

Can I have what Jen needs?

It's the right builder.

Why did you get this?

I thought it was going to be your birthday present.

Brilliant. Jen, get your things.

We have the technology here.

No,

that's not working either.

Next one.

How about this?

Nate's going to be charmed by Papa Joe, by the sweet.

He might be.

They won't. It's terrible.

Try another one. All right, all right.

It's a program called Harem. I don't know.

Yes, it is. Listen.

This was on top of the pops the night we moved into our house.

Do you remember? You came over and offered us a cup of tea.

Yes. I thought it was really nice of you.

Of course, now I realise that, in fact, both our removal men were wearing little

vests.

It's not that.

I was just being nice.

Even the blonde one?

He wasn't really blonde.

Ah.

Hold me.

He'd had his hair highlighted to look like... I don't know, some footballer. I

can't remember.

Probably looks like Bobby Charlton by now.

Your mum came over and tried to make you come back here.

She was always worrying about me.

That's before we were knocked through.

Ditto.

Before I had Jenny.

What?

Oh, nothing.

She wanted me to talk to her about something earlier on, but I was too busy

the new kitchen.

I'm sure she understands how important it is to you.

Oh, is it?

When we moved into that house, it was a place to make a family.

Now it's been converted into a cottage industry.

I've been so... caught up in the idea of it all. I didn't really stop to think

how it was going to change everything till today.

It's funny how you can get too close to an idea, isn't it?

Yeah.

I don't really care whether I have a baby or not now.

What?

What's all this with Tony, then?

Exactly.

What's all this with Tony?

I mean, of course I wanted it to start with.

But as it went on and on...

No.

I realise that when it's stopped, he'd think I want him to leave.

Don't you want him to?

Well, I never had any pressure to make a relationship, so it just happened.

Well, why don't you tell him?

I might change things.

It might all go wrong like before.

Well, if you don't try, you'll never find out.

No.

You know what's happened. This music's charmed us. Get rid of it.

What's that?

Sounds like our car.

Did you switch everything off in the kitchen?

Yes, don't worry.

Now what?

Oh, I don't know. That CD was a dead loss.

How about some radio?

Don't rest, rehearsal.

You don't get people saying, please, can I go to the toilet in the middle of a

Royal Shakespeare Company production.

This is no exception.

Cue the introductory music!

to see so many of you lovely people here tonight, and we would especially like

to welcome all the representatives of the school on board.

We do sincerely hope you all enjoy the show, and

please remember that no matter who you are and what you do to live, thrive, and

survive, there are still some things that make us all the same.

Sweetheart miss.

Sweetheart miss.

Sugar the kiss.

Sugar the kiss.

I need you, you, you.

I need you, you, you.

I need you, you, you. In the morning.

You, you, you. When my soul's on fire.

You, you, you.

Sometimes I feel.

I feel a little sad inside.

When my bed in the street's dead.

I need you, you, you.

I need you, you, you.

I need you, you, you.

I need you. You know, people, when you do find a special somebody, hold that

woman, hold that man, love him, please him, squeeze her, please her, hold,

squeeze, please that person, get them all your love, signify your feelings

every jealous arrest, because it's so important to have that special somebody

all kiss and squeeze and please.

We got this.

Sugar the kiss.

Sugar the kiss.

I need you, you, you.

I need you, you, you.

I need you, you, you. When my soul's on fire.

When I need someone around.

I need you, you, you.

Sent them into a coma. Nothing will...

Well, I'll say one thing for this

evening.

You've given us plenty of time to stop and think.

Yes. We must get trapped by escaped reptiles regularly.

How so?

No, you're right.

What's that outside?

Someone's got a bonfire.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0