Original subtitles

You sent for me, Excellency?

Yes. I've been spending some time watching the people down there on that

planet. Earth?

Oh, yes. What simple, foolish creatures they be.

I am concerned about them. How so?

They never seem to be happy with their simple lives, whatever joy befalls them.

I'd like you to arrange a little demonstration.

The usual?

Yes. I'll leave it to you to select the details.

Let me see now.

We need to find a typical subject.

Someone who feels the whole world is against them.

David's gone out!

I'll be glad when half term's over.

Oh, thanks.

Not you.

We just got hit by the girly squad again.

Have they investigated this cluster of brain -damaged children?

Can I leave you a plate?

I'll grab one for you, Laura.

You could pass her a bit too. Even for me.

If Jackie calls them at Clive's. All right.

But if Joanne calls them at Jackie's.

Yes.

Unless Joanne is Jackie.

Then I'm just out.

What if Jackie's at Joanne's?

No one ever goes to Joanne's. The mother is an alcoholic.

I wonder why.

They're all for you.

Goodbye.

Hi. Have you discovered this?

It's soft. It's comfortable. It's reliable. And best of all, it has wings.

So did Paul McCartney, and he was never any good.

Any food left?

Shouldn't you be at work? I told you, I'm taking the day off.

Are you watching that? Watching what?

I thought you'd gone.

Christine's got the council coming round to her flat, and I only had one

appointment today.

I'll postpone it till tomorrow.

So what are you going to do?

What do you mean?

I've got to go and see about a job and the builders will be here in a minute.

Oh, I'll help them.

I'll talk to them.

I won't say anything.

You don't want them to have any more distractions.

What can I do, then?

Why don't you go down to the cellar and tidy up your tools?

Tools don't like being tidied. They die.

Did you ever see Brian's tools?

They're clipped up like slaves and locked away in a steel box.

They're cruelty.

Oh.

What's the matter?

The bill from the cash and carry.

We've only had one inquiry in the last four weeks and I've still got to pay the

bank for all the work the builders aren't doing in there.

Don't worry. That can change. We can only use pre -made food till it's all

finished. Well, cheer up. It's really coming on in there.

Where? Well, it's practically finished.

Apart from the hole in the wall.

And the hole in the floor.

Plastering these doing.

Tiling. Worktops need fitting. Get painting.

What? Who sent me this?

What is it?

Greetings. Your name has been selected to receive this copy of the

Chain of Good Fortune.

This letter, started by a Peruvian monk in 1962, is guaranteed to shower you and

your family with luck and wealth.

Mrs Betty Bogg of Montana received a copy of this letter in 1982 and followed

the special instructions. Within two days, she'd won over $60 million in the

state lottery and recovered from a life -threatening illness that had blighted

her for 14 years. Sounds great.

Mr... Ward Larkin of Utrecht broke the chain and declined to pass the shower of

good fortune on to others.

Shortly after, while out shopping for some croissant, he was stung to death by

swarm of enormous wasps not normally found outside continental Africa.

All you have to do is send copies of this letter to six of your friends who

think it would benefit.

God, what rubbish.

We don't know that.

We do.

Well, we know it works.

Well, what about Mrs. Moss' name from Fingermate? Well, she won 60 million.

Only according to that, we don't know.

Well, why would they lie?

Look, it's just triple, Ben.

You can't disprove it.

Well, answer me this.

This letter was started in 1962 by a Peruvian monk, right?

Yeah. Why?

What do you mean?

I mean, why?

Why would a Peruvian monk do that?

Well, that's what I know.

They're funny in South America.

Just to be nice.

What does it matter?

All right, so he started it then, never mind why, and everybody copies out the

letter and sends it to six people over and over.

Right.

How does this bit about Mrs. Betty Bob get into the letter? For the first 20

years, she can't have been in it at all.

She put it in herself.

It doesn't tell you to add bits.

Well, she wants 60 million. We don't know that.

Look, how did the other bit get in then, about the guy who was stung to death?

Did he crawl to his death with his dying breath and write it in?

Could have done.

letters afterwards?

Well, it doesn't say he died suddenly.

Well, your giant African wasp, you know, gives you a long lingering death.

But it says he didn't pass the letter on.

This is stupid, Ben. It doesn't make any sense.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

You think I should pass it on, don't you? What's the harm in it?

Bo Diddley.

The ball of the foot.

Er... The bubonic plague and time out.

Yeah?

Right.

Thank you.

Bye.

I've just been live on Capital Radio Quiz Call.

I've just won an adventure day out for one.

They're sending a car in any minute.

It's got nothing to do with that letter. What is it, then?

It's just luck. There you see?

Luck. No, Ben.

It's just what I said it was. Oh, give it here. I've had enough of this. No,

don't! Ben!

As your husband, I forbid you to tear up that letter.

Oh, really?

Please don't tear up that letter.

Look, this is the only way I can prove that this is nonsense.

There we are.

See? Nothing's happened.

You shouldn't have done that.

Oh, yeah?

They've had a slight accident on the motorway. They won't be coming today.

What sort of accident?

Nothing, really.

Their pick -up truck got buried under a lorry load of frozen pizzas.

The little one had several abrasions from flying pepperoni. Now, you can't

that's normal!

Just one of those things, Ben.

If I had the chance again, I'd still tear that letter up.

Looks like you've got the chance.

Eh?

Greetings. Your name has been selected... Same writing.

Well, my car's coming in a minute.

Promise me one thing. You won't tear that letter up. We've had enough bad

for one day.

All right, I promise.

It's your car.

Here I am, then.

What's the matter with you? Got a Raspberry Mivy stuck down your knickers?

Got another one in the taxi.

Well, don't help me. I'm in training for the women's stonking powerlifting.

Ben! I'm just coming.

Pete thinks he's getting a tip after his drive and he could go and visit Peter

Pan in Fairyland.

So I put this earphone out.

What's all this?

You said it'd be all right.

What? He told me if I ever... needed somewhere, you wouldn't have seen me out

the streets, didn't you?

Did you?

Well, I might have done, but I meant if you got chucked out by the council or

something. I got chucked out by the council.

But they only came to repair your ceiling.

Asbestos. Asbestos?

In the ceiling. It wasn't in a single one of their other flats anywhere. They

said it was a million to one chance.

I've been advised to vacate the premises pending removal for elf reasons. You

must have had snub warning.

Well, I did notice the dog was wheezing a bit.

My brother said it was asthmatic.

I said, a pit bull with asthma.

And he said, it's the breeding you silly tart.

They all mate with their sisters because of the enormous teeth.

I said, oh, that's disgusting. And he said, yes, I think we understand.

Good. Can I see my room now, please? What room?

Well, there's a boxed room. David's old bed's in there. The Ben Porter? Yeah.

Car. I'll be with you in a minute. Is that right?

a few days.

That's what they said about World War One.

Where are we off to then?

Didn't they tell you?

No, they just said it was an adventure day out. I'm dropping you off at the

airfield. Oh.

Did you say airfield?

Am I flying in a plane somewhere?

Part of the way, yes.

What about the other part?

You're flying without one.

Tony, to get some more of his things. He doesn't get back there very much at the

moment. Why didn't he go himself?

He had to get out of bed this morning, so I told him to have a sleep.

Is he all right?

Yes, but ever since I put him on this special virility diet, he's been

exhausted. It can't be that, though. It was on Oprah Winfrey.

Something seems to be wearing him out.

Perhaps you should give him a night off from trying to make a baby.

It is getting rather obsessional.

It's not obsessional.

Rona. Oh, all right.

I'll use some I prepared earlier.

Where are the builders?

Rona, you're avoiding talking about things.

No, I'm not. I think it's definitely coming on, don't you?

Come and sit down.

Have you ever wanted anything so badly you'd do almost anything to get it?

What do you mean?

Remember when we worked at the bakery?

That's when I thought what I really wanted was independence.

Would you cut it?

We don't work for anybody. This business is all ours and we control it. We don't

control it. There's finding customers, health regulations, the bank.

We're more hemmed in now than we were when we just went to work.

At least we've got something of our own. Have we?

The point is, it isn't the escape we thought it was. It's just a different

of prison bars.

You're not really just talking about work, are you?

No.

I've tried everything with Tony.

Nothing seems to make any difference.

Have you tried anything?

I'm not giving up on this yet.

All I need is a bit of luck and I'm sure I'm due some soon.

Why do you say that?

What do you mean? About being due some luck.

Well, I must be, mustn't I? If only for persistence.

Rona, have you ever seen this before?

What is it?

It's a chain letter.

It arrived in the post. Ring any bells?

What do you mean, ring any bells?

It's supposed to bring luck.

I received two of them this morning, both addressed in the same handwriting.

Well, obviously someone thinks a lot of you. If they thought a lot of me, they'd

have torn it up themselves.

Why? These things are based on superstition and fear. They're evil.

Don't you have fun?

Both these envelopes are addressed in black felt tip.

Oh?

You've got a black felt tip, haven't you?

much like the assumptions you're making here. I thought it was you.

You pass this on because the only thing you care about is being a success at

this stupid baby business.

It is not stupid to me.

Oh, so you did send them?

You seem to have already decided that. What do you mean by that?

You have the right to sit in judgment of me on this or any subject.

Sitting in judgment? Yes, you are.

back to Tony. What about Malcolm?

I'll see him yourself. You're always so right about everything.

Hi,

Mum. What's the matter with Rona? We've had an argument.

We were swimming all morning.

There was an accident.

What?

I just got... changed when those stupid girls turned up.

So I went up to the top board so I could soak them when I dived in.

That's when it happened.

When what happened?

I was only wearing my loose costume and I hit the water so fast I didn't notice

until I climbed out that it had gone.

I've been banned from the leisure centre.

Got rid of those girls though. They screamed and ran off.

into your old room for a couple of days. Will you give her a hand?

Yep. I've got to go and see our only customer for a month.

Oh, the postman gave me these.

Oh, my God.

What are they, blackmail letters?

No, no, they're nothing, just circulars, rubbish.

Oh, we never get any excitement around here.

Yeah? Patrick Heligan?

I'm his son, Michael.

I spoke on the phone earlier. Bill Porter.

Oh, yeah?

I've come to see him. Is that all right?

Come in, then.

This is my brother Bernard.

Hello.

Ma!

I won't be a minute.

She's come to see Da.

Yeah?

Yes.

Assuming my quote was acceptable, I need to work out the arrangements.

The arrangements?

That's it, then?

Yes.

We didn't expect a woman, did we, Bernard?

Well, this is the 90s.

I'm sorry. I'm feeling a bit better now.

The lady's come to see, Dad.

Oh, yes.

We've been expecting you.

Come this way.

Here he is.

I did what I could.

But now I leave you to it.

I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding.

I do food for parties and weddings.

Oh!

Not till an hour in the road like jackals.

No, I spoke to him yesterday.

Yesterday? Yes, he wanted to arrange a party for your silver wedding

anniversary.

In the back garden this morning.

Oh, it's a beautiful day.

He just finished planting some marigolds to spell out British pigs when he had

the heart attack.

And he's usually such a lucky man.

Miss Callaghan, I'm sorry, but I think I'd better go home.

No, this can't get any worse.

playing Christian on the video game. Is everything all right?

Mum, I think you'd better sit down.

Why, what's happened?

Please, it'd be better for you.

OK, you can come out now.

Hello, Bill.

Aunt Tina, what are you doing here? Aunt Tina's got something she has to tell

you. I promised her you wouldn't get too excited.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

I have to go upstairs and move the boxes of junk that somebody's deposited.

Jenny's growing up very fast, isn't she?

What do you want, Tina?

This isn't easy to begin.

I don't know if you know, but I'm one of the few lady members of our local golf

club. You play golf?

Yes.

Well, only during certain hours.

We have to take our shoes off in the porch as the men say our heels ruin the

parquet flooring.

Mainly a social group.

Are you recruiting new members?

Oh, no.

It's really only for nice people.

Oh, right.

Well, since the divorce, I've spent more and more time there, getting to know

everybody, and, well, last week, I was nominated to be women's captain.

There's tremendous competition for the honour.

I can imagine.

Then a couple of days ago, I received it.

What?

the international chain of good fortune.

You mean you sent it? Yes.

Of course, I knew as soon as I saw it that it was from someone who wished me

ill, probably Marjorie Withers. They say she's already emptied two Pringle

counters and D .H. Evans in anticipation of winning, so she decided to go in for

the kill.

Oh, Bill, I've had such a terrible time since Brian left.

I just couldn't bear to have any more...

why you should never pass those things on and put the same pressure onto other

people. I know.

I just didn't have the courage to tear it up. But I knew that you would. You

always do the brave thing.

I mean, no one else would dare to have those cushion covers without their tea.

That's typical of you.

Thank you very much.

I felt very bad about sending them.

But you've always been stronger minded than me.

Did I do the right thing?

Yes, I suppose you did.

So what did you do with them?

I tore them up.

And nothing happened?

No, nothing at all.

And you don't regret doing it? Why should I? It's just a lot of silly

superstition. That's what I thought you'd say.

So I didn't post the last one. I brought it with me.

afraid of.

Thank you, Bill.

I'll always appreciate this.

Hello, Auntie Tina.

What time is it?

Nearly 4 .30. Why?

Dad should be jumping about now.

Jumping where, David?

Oh, he rang up just after Mum left. He's gone skydiving at Headcorn with

parachutes and everything.

It's brilliant. You can see everything beneath him and the wind's rushing up.

It's the best thing I've ever done.

What are you doing here, team?

Bill was worried your parachute wouldn't open.

I told you it was all superstitious nonsense.

Yes, the military packed these themselves. The chances of one of them

are infinitesimal.

Any food left?

Shouldn't you be at work? I told you, I'm taking the day off.

Are you watching that? Watching what?

I thought you'd gone.

No, no, Christine's got the council coming round to her flat and I only had

appointment today.

I'll respond it to her tomorrow.

So what are you going to do?

What do you mean?

I've got to go and see about a job and the builders will be here in a minute.

Oh, I'll help them.

I'll talk to them.

I'll watch them. I won't say anything.

I don't want them to have any more distractions.

Well, what can I do, then?

Why don't you go down to the cellar and tidy up your tools? Tools don't like me

tidying. They die.

Did you ever see Brian's tools? Clipped up like slaves and imprisoned in a steel

box. It's cruelty.

What's the matter?

It's a bill from the cash and carry.

What's that?

Why don't we go back to bed for half an hour?

What now?

Why not?

Why don't you go and open those first?

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