Original subtitles

We're all waiting for you.

I mean, as fast as I can.

Oh, come on. I don't want to be all night.

I finished ages ago.

That's because you only eat cabbage, leaves and beans.

Well, was it all right?

Why can't we have interesting -shaped chips like everyone else?

No -one has straight ones anymore.

I don't mind them being straight.

They're just so fat.

Oh, thank you very much. They're gross.

Like huge, fat, wide slugs on a plate.

Why can't we just have oven ones?

Because I make them from these things called potatoes.

Your history teacher will explain.

Can I have some more coffee? You're doing that on purpose. You've only got

mouthful left. I'm hungry.

Ben? New Land Rover Discovery comes in an immobiliser now.

Oh, good.

What did you think?

Hmm? The food.

Oh, yes, it was delicious.

See? Your father has no complaints.

This is torture.

Can I leave now?

I suppose so.

Most people have curly ones now, or ones that are crisscrossed. Well, I think

I'll just go and kill myself.

Mother of poo in suicide riddle. Straight fat chip shame woman plunges

into deep fat fryer after unfashionable French fries jive.

You finished?

Um... Yes, you have.

Shall I clear away and do the washing up? Oh, yes, please.

I'm finished.

Dad, can I use the big stereo? Borrow the CD.

Well?

We're going to clear away.

Yeah, I just want to finish this road test.

I can hear your television.

Mum! Mum, make it shut down!

I can't hear you!

Oh, he's started, hasn't he?

So, what have the builders done today?

See for yourself.

Yes.

Well, it's coming on.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

They must have had our builders.

Let me do that. You go and relax.

Who's this, then?

Shaka -deems and pliers.

Pliers?

Yeah, you did that.

Shut up!

So, uh, which is which? What? Which one?

Pliers!

Does it matter?

No.

Oh,

God.

David! And now, let's take a look at this great record.

If anyone lets me hear them.

What are you listening to?

the night of the living dead in that room.

I mean, what are they going to do when they grow up?

At least you and I can carry on some semblance of a normal conversation.

I'm just talking to myself, aren't I?

in that fuse box to the Antiques Roadshow years ago.

Everybody else has proper upstairs and downstairs fuses.

I need to make them properly then.

Here, here we go. There's the problem, you see.

Oh, yes.

Somebody's put a bit of toilet in the box.

Now, now, be careful with it. They're very fragile. If you smashed it, we

couldn't connect the power again.

How long for?

Oh, at least till tomorrow. We'll have to manage without the TV and the stereo

until then.

Yes.

I can't find the fuse wire. It's usually on top of the box. Fuse wire?

What's it look like? It's wrapped around a piece of card.

Does it say Empire Fuse Wire 3 and 11?

Yeah, that's it. Have you seen it?

Don't worry, it'll turn up sooner or later.

He had some.

Dad's lost the fuse wire.

Oh, dear.

There's no roping this time of night.

Oh, God.

Well, looks like we'll just have to spend an old -fashioned family evening

talking to each other.

How was work today?

Thought Christine might have said something funny.

You know, that she does sometimes.

She can be very funny.

When?

Well, quite funny in an insulting sort of way.

David, tell us about those girls in your class.

What? Are they still after you, you know?

Why would they do that?

Well, it looks as if they think you're rather... Mum, please.

So, Jenny, how are things with Clive at the moment?

Well, you should know. You took a box of live cockroaches round with parents.

Isn't this better than just sitting here glued to the television?

What time's Top Gear on?

8 .30.

Just be starting now.

Oh, so you've got comedy on BBC One?

No, they're all terrible.

Jeremy Clarkson's looking at E -Type Jack.

I don't know why Jeremy Clarkson doesn't just stuff all those cars down his

underpants and walk about going, ooh, I think I'm having an orgasm, ooh, it's

got swing cams!

He's an expert in his field.

Yes, you'd be a muddy one somewhere in Yorkshire.

Still be nerds in Animax.

Could have watched it on the portable.

Oh, I was going to watch Games Master on that.

Oh, let's all give way to culture.

Well, it's my telly and I wanted to... What are you doing?

We haven't even got the television and you're just sitting here arguing about

what we would be watching.

Top gear.

opportunity to all be together very often, so let's just enjoy it, shall we?

How? It's boring.

No, it isn't. What do you think families did before they could argue over four

television channels?

I'll remember that. We used to argue over two.

Wasn't really even worth it. One side was just total bilge, and the other side

had blokes dressed in dinner jackets talking poncy.

If anyone came round, we had to pretend we were watching AJP Taylor.

If someone came round with some woodbinds, then we could switch back to

Miles. Michael Miles?

He was a quiz master.

He could produce five -pound notes from any part of his body.

Boys at school reckoned he had a printing press shoved up his... I was

about before that.

He had the radio.

The Victorians didn't. Do you know what they had?

Rickets.

Yes, but... And hypoids. And worms in their stomachs. They didn't have

transmitted to them.

Some of them had that as well.

They had evenings at home.

Poetry readings, musical evenings.

Only if you were rich, not the likes of us.

This time of the evening, if this was Victorian times, I'd have been down the

sewers all day, you and Jen had been down the mill, and David would be

to his shorts, stuffed up a chimney.

Oh, I bet the girls in your class would like that.

Come home at midnight, wheeze, gulp down a dead dog.

then go upstairs and cough up blood till daybreak. It was misery.

The point is, it doesn't have to be boring.

I know.

Why don't we all play a game?

What game?

Charades. Oh, God, anything but that.

OK, then, how about give us a clue? Oh, yeah, that's better.

Right!

We are.

One for you.

One for you.

One for you, one for me. Now, you all have to write down the title of

and give it to someone else to mine.

Not a television programme.

Or a film that's been on television.

first one, shall I?

There we are.

That's a television programme.

No, isn't it? It's a book.

It was on the telly. No, it wasn't. Yes, it was, but that bloke I don't like,

you know. Anthony Andrews? No, no, the dark one.

It was in that detective thing.

Lovejoy? The Geordie one.

Jimmy thing. No, he was a policeman. He wasn't a detective.

No, no, no.

Haggit, the Scottish one.

Dr Finlay. No, no.

He's in one of those Haggit for Christie things.

Miss Marvel?

Yes, that's it, John Thorpe. What are you doing?

You're just talking about the television again.

It was in it on the telly. Right, I'll do another one.

Look, I didn't choose it. All right.

Five words.

First word.

The.

Fourth word.

The.

The whole thing is.

The tart with the rabies.

Shut up. I'm not going to do it.

Come on, David. Guess properly.

Do it again.

I've got it. What? I can take out the fuse for the power and switch it for the

one with the lights.

I was enjoying that. Oh, Ben, you just got boring. Well, we don't have to

anymore. I can switch the fuses over and it'll be back to normal.

It'll stop the burn.

What's it supposed to do, then?

It must have been different to the power fuse.

Thinner. Well, there you are.

Well, that was hard to know. The TV uses fat electricity.

We're worse off now than we were before.

What's the next idea? Pull the roof off the house?

We could still have a nice evening together.

How?

Well, it'll be all right. The heating's gas.

Yes, but the hot water's pumped round the radiators by electricity.

Put your finger back in the water.

I'm freezing already.

It's going to be three degrees below tonight.

Anyone want one?

Well,

something to do.

Why don't we turn on the oven?

Yes, then we can all huddle round it and sing campfire songs.

I suppose that'll provide some heat for the house.

All right, then, I'll do it.

What are you doing? Getting some ice cubes for Dad's finger.

Oh, no, you don't. What?

I know you. You'd think it was funny to put ice cubes down my back in a freezing

cold hell.

Look, I swear to God.

Yes, well, if you want ice, I'll do it.

I'm so cute!

You didn't think it would happen? I didn't. I was going to put ice cubes

your back.

I hate you.

Change those things quickly.

What's happened in there?

Put your finger back in the water.

Oh, this stuff's ruined.

These gato were for a job.

Shall I help you?

Not even one slice.

I'm sorry.

This isn't turning out how I hoped.

It's not your fault.

No, it's not my fault.

Not my fault at all.

I just thought it'd be nice if we could spend the evening together in a nice,

quiet house.

Well, you've got your wish.

It's just... We seem to spend no time at all just enjoying each other.

These things should happen sometimes.

You're not responsible.

There must be some solution to all this.

Couldn't even find the fuse wire when we had lights.

No.

No, you couldn't.

Bill?

Are you getting at something here?

Ben.

I've just remembered.

I've got a phone roller.

Sit down for a while. I'll make you some coffee.

We could try again in a minute.

A minute?

Five minutes, then. Oh, five minutes, yeah.

I don't think I can.

Oh, come on.

This is killing me, Rona.

I mean, look at me.

How much longer is it all going on for?

How long does it take?

Cheer up. I'm sure we're within inches now.

You might be, but I certainly won't.

Not in five minutes.

You said you were convinced now it was all right. No, I'm not.

We've tried everything, Rona.

Fertility cycle, special diet.

Oh, yes, I meant to ask you, what sort of underpants have you been wearing?

I don't remember wearing any underpants for the best part of a month.

When you're not here.

I'm always here.

No, it's important. I read it somewhere. They mustn't be tight or it squeezes

everything too much. Are they too tight? I don't think so.

Well, I got you these to make sure.

What do I do, wear them or camp out in them?

Did you do your best for me?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

Thanks.

Would you just pop the bulb of this between your legs?

I don't want them dropping below the optimum temperature while we're down

You know, I never realised when I took this on it would require all this

equipment.

Conception AIDS you've been getting. It's like having sex in a toy shop.

just exaggerating.

Could you, um... Hello?

Yeah.

Bill.

Hello?

Yeah?

What's the panic?

No.

No, I haven't. I've got circuit break. He's dead.

What's the trouble?

Well, I suppose I could spare you a few minutes.

I'll meet you outside.

What things? Hang on.

Sticky tape.

Yes.

Big chrome rings.

What, like big curtain rings?

Yes.

Strong twine.

Medium -sized cane.

And a very strong magnet.

Big, but shaped to fit a small hole.

I'll go upstairs and get them.

What's going on? Have you got all the things?

Yes. Come on. Walk casually in case anyone's watching.

You said you wanted a strong one. Just keep your voice down.

You know this is highly illegal.

It's a letter addressed to me. I'm not stealing it from anyone and I need it

back now.

Yes, I know, but I just... Come on,

Prince.

Come on, boy.

Come on.

The other one stopped her just in time.

Oh, just ignore it. She made her own little gibbet and everything.

And we've no one else to leave our cat with when we go away.

Come to bed, Dora.

circuit breakers, not fuses.

Yes. Yes, that's right. She has.

What's the good news?

The good news is while we were down in the cellar doing

our envelopes the other day when we forgot to post them, which is why I

them earlier, Rona just happened to notice where our spare fuse wire was.

She didn't say anything at the time.

Why would she? The fuses hadn't blown then. But while I was round there, she

remembered and she's told me just where to look for it.

Mum, we know what you've been doing.

Oh? Do you?

You went and got some fuse wire from somewhere because we were being so

horrible, didn't you?

Yes, that's exactly right.

We've all been talking and we decided that we weren't paying you enough

attention earlier on.

So, we've all agreed to spend the evening together.

Just like you wanted.

Right?

Right.

That's very nice of you all.

After all, it wasn't your fault about the fuse, was it?

Where's your father?

Gone up to the loft and set some board games.

Ben? Ah!

I think you'd better come up here.

What are you doing?

Holding up the roof?

I lost my balance. Fell against the roof tie.

Where is it?

It broke in two.

No!

How on earth did you manage to lose your balance?

Like that.

Probably having a quick snog.

Or something else.

They wouldn't do that, would they?

We're still awake.

That doesn't usually stop them.

They're always at it. I can hear them when I'm watching The Word.

You see?

Oh, God, how could they?

I don't want to listen.

I do.

David!

It's interesting.

Look, we'll go to you off the licence for a while.

I'm just getting going.

Look at a box of chocolates.

We can have them while we play the game.

A big box? If you like.

Come on!

Oh, no.

I'm coming over to you. Well, be careful.

Before we go any further, there's something I need to know.

What?

If you let go of that, the roof might come down, right?

That could well happen, yes.

So, er, you can't really move from there? Well, I wasn't planning to in the

future, no.

Whatever happens.

I suppose so.

Why?

There's something I've got to tell you. What?

I... What?

I feel responsible for this whole evening.

Why?

I found the fuse wire when we were in the cellar and I put it in a stamped

addressed envelope and posted it to get rid of it so you wouldn't be able to

change the fuse.

Yeah?

I had to do it. We needed to spend some time together as a family.

But it's all right.

I've got it back.

I've got it here.

I'll just slip it into your pocket, shall I?

Then you know where it is.

You do understand?

I think so, yes.

Good. As I see it, if you hadn't have taken the fuse wire, I'd have been

downstairs now, in the warm, watching Top Gear.

Instead of which, I'm trapped up here with you like this.

Yes. But you're not angry?

No, no, I think I can cope with just about that much. One more thing might

done it.

Thanks.

Do you think you can hold this for a while?

Why?

Well, then I'd be free to force open the trapdoor again, wouldn't I?

Oh, yes.

Right.

No, I'm not sure.

What now?

Well, what happens then?

Well, then I'd go downstairs and find something to prop this up in.

Yeah, I see.

Well, it's not very heavy, but be careful.

I will.

OK, now, brace yourself.

Yeah. I'm letting go.

Now!

I told you, it hasn't been that bad an evening yet.

After all, I haven't really... Are you all right?

Don't panic!

All right,

did it?

Can you see the steps?

I left the torch on the bed.

I'll have to jump for it. Be careful.

I'll let myself out, shall I?