Original subtitles

Need a hand with that, love? Oh, no, thanks. My friend will be here in a

to pick me up.

What do you

think?

I thought you were going to get a Volvo.

You seem so boring.

What about all this lot?

Don't worry, it's going to... Very spacious room.

See?

Can you afford to buy all this ready -made stuff?

Not really.

What choice have we got till the kitchen's finished?

Typical.

All they have to do is see a woman in a sport car and they stop.

I shave every day, like you.

It smells terrible.

Calvin Klein's fixation. I'm not surprised.

And can't you stop that happening?

What happening?

Silly little girls from your class ringing our number and hoping that

going to answer.

And where did you get the money for expensive aftershave? Shouldn't you be

getting ready for fat face?

You're heading for trouble, David Porter.

Oh, go away. I'm going to while my nose still works.

That's my sister.

I know.

Still want the package.

Got the money.

Right, I'll meet you there. OK.

Bye.

We're back.

I'm getting ready to go out.

David? I'm just going out.

Where are the builders?

Oh, they left ages ago.

In my next life, I'm going to have it the other way round. A natural kitchen

design a baby.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mention babies.

Oh, it's all right.

It takes a bit of time, that's all. Yeah.

Let's go and see what they've done today.

Oh.

Yes.

What do you mean?

Yes. It's exactly the same as it was this morning.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

They must have done something.

I don't think builders do anything.

They just sit here looking at page three until their testosterone builds up into

a frenzy. Then they switch their drills on till it goes down again.

Well, I'm sure they're getting on. They seem the best ones.

There's only one reason why you talked me into this pair.

You could see what they look like with their shirts off. I did not. I never

mentioned chef.

You did. You said you'd endure any torture known to mankind to see the tall

one's cleavage.

Not that cleavage. The other one.

Let me get rid of this lot.

Can I use the calculator while I'm here?

I've finished all the estimates.

Not for that. You need to work out the time.

Twenty -five past four.

Not that time. My time.

What do you mean, your time?

It's all explained in this book. If you want to get pregnant, you need to know

the best time.

Oh, I can tell you that.

Immediately after Spurs win 3 -0 at home.

No, you only get one egg a month.

That was during the war.

So you have to work out mathematically the exact moment you're going to be at

your most fertile.

Mum,

what do you think of my hair? Lovely. What are you doing?

I have to start again now.

What time's your bath?

Laura's collecting me in her car and bringing me back later.

Laura? Clive's mother.

Laura's asked me to go shopping with her.

Oh. You never go shopping with me.

That's different.

How?

She just wants to know my opinion on her clothes.

Well, I want to know your opinion on my clothes.

No, you don't. I might.

It's different.

Well, what's the difference?

Oh, look, I didn't mean to hurt you.

It's just that, well, Laura isn't really like her mother.

She found a knife.

I'll be pleased to finally meet her.

She usually waits in the car.

You mean she's been here before?

A few times.

I've never seen her outside.

She waits around the corner.

Well, why don't you invite her in for a moment when she comes?

Um, maybe.

You're not ashamed of us, are you?

No!

It's just that his family are very...

Normal. Yes, but they're a different normal.

Go on.

Oh, it's just that things are going really well for me and Clive. He's the

boyfriend I've had that doesn't seem an effort.

And I get on well with both his parents.

And I just think... Well, I mean, look at this place.

You know, we've got the Italian wedding on Sunday.

Yes, but it's not just that.

Things happen to us. What?

Right.

Jenny, if it's important to you, we'll all make a special effort to impress

Clive's parents, because if this is really leading somewhere, sooner or

we'll have to meet.

I know.

Look, why don't you invite her in when she brings you back?

Today? Yes, that way I have plenty of time to tidy up.

I don't know.

Listen, I promise I won't do anything that might embarrass you.

Anything. All right?

It's really important. I promise.

After all, we're not exactly weirdos, are we?

Oh, God!

Sorry, I forgot my key.

I don't need those microwave pizzas.

What? Are you going to be sitting there?

Why? Your sister's bringing Clive's mother home in a minute.

So?

Go and tidy yourself up.

No, I've just done the bathroom. Sit down there and wait.

What? Can I trust you not to do anything that might embarrass Jenny?

I think you'd better go straight up to your room and stay there under all

circumstances.

What if there's a fire?

If there's a fire, come down.

Not if it's just hot, only if the smoke builds.

No, that's too dangerous.

You might still say something.

What? Is there anything hideously violent on at the Odeon I wouldn't want

go and see?

Always. Right.

Here is the money to go and see Aladdin.

Don't let me find out you went to a different screen.

Thanks, Mum.

And don't hang around in the burger place afterwards.

To when?

About seven.

Great boots, Al.

Don't shut the door, we've got more.

What is this?

You may well ask. This is all stuff that could come in useful.

Yeah, if you want to start your own rubbish tip.

Christine, could you get the rest of the stuff from the van, please? Oh, yeah,

and give me a bonio and I'll die for the freaking queen.

Ben! This is all stuff that could come in handy.

A squarial?

Well, they might switch the satellite back on.

Wire coat hangers? You can never have enough.

Oh, yes, you can.

And what's that?

I'm not sure, but the bloke said it still works.

What is this? What's the point of getting rid of all our old junk and

home with somebody else's?

You did get rid of ours. Almost a bit.

Some of it. These people want something for nothing.

There's something dripping from this one. Put it down over there. No! Put it

over there, then. No! Make up your mind. I'm going backwards and forwards like a

Tory MP in a tie pimple.

Go and get the rest of the stuff from the van. No! Leave it in the van and get

rid of this stuff somewhere now. In a minute.

You'll love this. Christine, just go and get the special thing.

What?

You know, the special thing in the box we bought.

Oh, yeah, right.

Look, I know some of this stuff's a bit past it, but you'll never guess what we

got off some old Irish bloke.

No, I don't suppose I will.

Well, look, I know you're apprehensive about tomorrow's job, but we've already

made stuff and all that, so I've got the perfect day to your presentation.

Here we are.

Can I have a glass of water now, or do I have to be locked back onto the train

gang? There's some orange juice in the fridge.

Thanks. This is for me.

To you.

Thanks. What do you think?

Just the perfect thing for an Italian wedding.

Yes, a severed horse's head should go down very well.

Guess what it is?

What?

The Pope.

What,

in that little box?

It was made for his visit to London by some Irish firm.

And? He went to Birmingham.

He's been trying to get rid of it ever since.

and put it up near where you're serving.

What is it, a little statue?

No, it's ten feet high when it's fully inflated. What?

Yeah, there's a little canister of helium at the bottom that fills it up.

So, what we have here is a ten -foot -high inflatable pope with its own

canister of helium.

Yeah.

Get it out of the house. It costs 20 quid! Out!

Don't you know that helium is explosive?

That's hydrogen.

Helium has no effect at all, except you make your voice go big. Get rid of it.

I'll be off now, then. Right, bye.

Oh, by the way, you've got a cockroach in your kitchen.

Bye.

What?

useless. It is something of a more heavy weight.

You're a fat load of use getting out of its way. It leapt at me.

What are we going to do now?

Leave it.

Let it go.

Let it go?

It's lucky the fresh food's at Rona's or we'd have to destroy it.

Community?

Get rid of it. Where?

Outside.

Is there anything else you want me to take outside?

Jenny wanted to come straight in, but I thought it better if I rang the bell.

I'm Laura.

Bill, come in.

Ben, this is a pleasant surprise.

How do you do?

We were just having some coffee. Would you like some?

Sorry, Mum. Laura's got to get back quite quickly.

I just told Jenny I'd better break the ice.

We can't keep putting off the evil moment, can we?

No. Well, it's very nice to meet you at long last.

Well, I was wondering if you both fancied coming round for a meal tonight

ours. Jenny's coming later anyway, and I'm sure Harry'd love to meet you both.

That'd be very nice.

We'd love to.

Good.

Bye then, Jenny.

Bye. And it's been nice to finally see inside your house at last.

I was beginning to wonder what sort of horrors must be in here.

Well, as you can see, it's a very ordinary house.

do till the council come on Monday.

No in the wardrobe.

Stop it.

He said if we'd only seen a couple, they'd easily get rid of them.

Yeah, I suppose you're right. We just have to put it right out of our minds

then. Yeah.

What I can't work out is where they're breeding.

Oh, Bill.

Well, they always breed somewhere.

Usually the airing cupboard. Oh, I just got that out of there.

Calm down. There's no sign I checked.

I think I'll wear my new shirt.

You said you'd get any left with his spray.

Well, you know cockroaches.

You can freeze them, you can bake them, and they're not even touched.

If there was a nuclear war over the entire surface of the planet, the only

that would survive would be cockroaches. No.

This spray will get them.

I'd like to know how.

No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would.

Well... The poison sticks to their feet.

Then they mash it all up with their food when they eat, and then they die.

Then other cockroaches come along and eat their decaying bodies, and they die.

Yeah, all right.

Yes, I believe you.

Now, can we please forget all about it? I was trying to.

Imagine waking up in the dark and finding this thing crawling all over

Never usually bothers you.

You're right. Doesn't bear thinking about. Oh, thanks.

Well, what do you think?

When did you get that?

Boot sale.

Genuine Ralph Lauren. £2 .99.

Shouldn't the horse... Horse have four legs.

What do you expect for £2 .99?

Desert orchid?

You know designer copies are illegal.

Oh.

Then you won't want this priceless Gucci bag.

I'd kill for it.

Mum,

I'm just going.

Can I see you for a moment?

In the living room.

I wish we could have just bred in the airing cupboard.

I'll be out with Clive till about nine. Then I'll join you for coffee.

Right. He likes football and she likes soap operas.

Except for the one on Channel 4.

She isn't sure about Channel 4.

Her father is Irish, so no jokes about that.

And better if you keep off the Catholic Church altogether.

Right. Oh, and I'm pretty sure they're conservative.

So please don't go on about everything in the whole world being the fault of

-know -who.

I promise.

Right.

And please, if you must wear jeans, for God's sake, wear a belt.

Oh, yeah, right.

OK, bye.

Bye.

Bye. Have a nice time.

What were we supposed to say all that?

Things change.

Ah, it'll be all right. I'm just going to leave a note for David. Go and start

the car.

Why? We'll be late.

No, we won't. Hurry up! We need at least half an hour to get there.

What time is it now?

Nineteen minutes past.

Can we go in now?

Not at twenty past.

We're not.

We just can't. It's not the look out. She's looking out the window.

Okay.

She thinks you recognise the car.

No, I've never seen the car. Oh.

What time is it now?

Twenty past.

Why are you so on edge?

Ben, you realise this boy might be marrying Jenny?

Why? What's happened?

See you all later. She's going to marry one of them.

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.

These people we're meeting tonight might become part of our family for the rest

of our lives.

And if they do, we're never going to be able to shake off whatever impression we

give them tonight.

You're right.

Let's get away while we can.

Come on.

Now or never.

Right, you take the white.

I'll take the chocolate.

you get those from?

I remember you hid them from the kids.

She's seen us.

This is it.

I'm grinning like a simpleton.

Don't stop now, she's still looking.

Oh my God.

Someone crungy to the door.

Hi there.

I'm Harry.

Pleased to meet you.

How do you do?

I'm Bill.

This is for you.

Oh, lovely.

Come on in.

You know Laura?

Hello again.

These are for you. Oh, thanks.

Why don't we have them with coffee later?

Nice car, Harry. Shame about that window.

Occupational hazard in my business.

Shall I take your jackets and things?

What is your business? Fraud squad.

All right, Anna.

Where is everyone?

Out. I need to come back and collect my things.

Oh.

I answered the telephone a few minutes ago.

What's for you?

I can't help it. You've either got it or you haven't.

It was a boy.

Let them all look.

He said the cockroaches you bred for him were too missing. You must have dropped

them somewhere.

Apparently, you're the preferred supplier for the fourth -year biology

It doesn't hurt anyone.

Your mother is running a catering business.

She doesn't want cockroaches running about all over the house.

I know that.

I'm not completely stupid.

Most of the time, I keep them in cryogenic suspension.

How? In a box in the freezer.

They don't do anything unless you get them out and let them warm up for a

Go and get them out now.

We'll take them somewhere and properly dispose of them and that'll be the end

it.

He's gone.

Hi. Hello.

Chucked in time.

We were just going to have some coffee. Did you have a good time?

Yeah. Not too good a time, I hope.

We did go to some friends.

And talked about a film. Nothing really exciting.

Do you want to take a look?

Yeah, I'll take a look. And then we can open the chocolate.

I've dug all the beds, now can I start the garage?

At least all the cockroaches are out of the house now, eh, Dad?

There's no incentive to be an entrepreneur these days.

Well, I thought we covered for it pretty well.

Covered for it?

How can you cover for 50 live cockroaches leaping out of a box of

we've given our hostess?

Well, I thought she took it pretty well. I thought she'd stop screaming.

I suppose you realise now that we're both completely demented.

Well, it was only one incident.

What are you doing with that thing?

I'm going to need this this afternoon, and I can't work out how it's activated.

Just leave it, will you? In a minute.

Oh, damn this thing!

What have you done?

Here, take one of these.

I hope we're doing the right thing.

Calm down.

It's just a horrible coincidence.

They explained it all.

The least we can do is try and make them feel better about it. What if they're

not in? Well, let's see if they're there, then.

Help her!

Well, stop it harder!

Yes.

They're there.

I'll ring the bell.