All language subtitles for 2Point4 Children s03e05 Beam Me Up, Scotty

No, I thought we were a bit behind.

Yeah?

Well, the leaky boiler.

They let the last one go to the
suppliers. We had to order a new one in,

remember?

The other plumber put it in.

The other plumber?

Your friend?

What other plumber?

Well, he came yesterday.

Said he was finishing the job for you.
You mean I bought this all the way up

here for nothing?

Christy,

this other plumber, what did he look
like?

Well, tall, quite thin, stubbly chin...
And a face like an undertaker.

Yeah, I'm sorry to have troubled you,
really. Thank you.

Well, I want to try this. What is all
this?

Come on.

He must have known we'd all of it.

Well, this time, he's made a big
mistake.

What is this all he knows of?

Look out.

What for?

Go on!

have we got one of those in the back yes
it happened yes

it's

a good quarter of a mile top he's not
going to get me this time don't get out

Two for double, wasn't it? Sorry to keep
you waiting. Christine!

Oh, David!

Here we are, then.

A steak with all the trimmings.

Trimmings? You'd need the Regent Street
bloody illuminations to pass that off as

steak. I've been using my cheese salad.

Ah, well, I sneezed on the first one.

And now I've run out of some of the
ingredients.

What have you got?

Oh, it's nothing serious. Let's just
wipe it off with a cloth.

No, I'll have a bacon roll.

Oh, well, your wish is my command.

So, how long has this game been going on
there? Oh, years on and off, but it's

not a game. It's a contest.

Good morning, Gary.

Hi.

Well, well, well.

Jake the Klingon. Ben.

How's it going, mate?

I just had a bit of trouble with the
wheels.

It appeared some reprobate has urinated
in my fuel tank.

Now, you wouldn't know anything about
that, would you? You know me, Jake. I

usually like to take the piss.

Speaking of which, has Starfleet come on
getting their uniforms at Oxfam these

days? Is someone going to introduce me
or shall I just crawl back into my mouth

hole? This is my partner, Christine, the
incredible shrinking woman.

This man's the best, Christine. He could
teach me a thing or two.

Jake the Klingon, plumber, gentleman and
trekkie.

He's a trekker, actually.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I've got a new one. Why does the
chief engineer on the Enterprise always

look in pain?

Because Kirk keeps saying, beam me up,
Scotty.

Very funny.

I'll tell you something funnier. What?

I lost a job this morning.

What a coincidence.

So did I. It appears it was completed by
a fat -looking bastard.

Strange. Mine was nicked by a scruffy
-looking git. There's obviously no

connection. Pies, pies, remember, this
place is a sanctuary. Let us keep it

clean now.

You got a cheese salad?

Yeah.

I think I've got one left.

He has no cause for grief, is there?

We've always been mates, haven't we?
Yeah.

Didn't I tell you he's the best? I tell
you, I'd do anything for this guy.

There is one thing you could do. What?

Drop dead.

That's very good.

Thanks, Gareth.

New dressing, I see.

Live long and prosper.

I've nearly enough for a new car, and
you're finally having your holiday.

And?

And Tony the DJ rang me. He's out of
town at the moment, but as soon as he

back, he's coming over, and then bingo!

It starts with bingo and ends up with a
full house.

That's the idea.

I thought that perfect father for your
baby business was just PMT.

Nope.

Well, shouldn't you get to know him?

I don't need to. It's his biological
genes I want.

We're only 15.

So clinical.

You've said it often enough, Bill. There
are bodies and we can choose what

happens to them.

Oh, well.

Cheer up.

It's all happening at last.

Yeah. We don't seem very pleased.

When we were fired from the bakery and
airmeals, we never dreamed we could

actually do it. No, I am pleased. We did
it.

What then?

Who do you think would say, don't go,
Maya?

How do you spell that?

M -Y -M -I. Oh, I don't know. Where did
you get this name?

Just forget it. It's probably nothing.

Busy tonight?

I've got myself a Rob Lowe video, a
Haagen -Dazs and a family pack of

Fancy a 99.

Apart from the arithmetic, you're right.

Bye, Ben. Bye, Ron.

Oh, the flight tickets have come.

Are these yours?

Yes, my new Cher designer outfit.

One of them, a pair of earrings and a
gusset. Two earrings?

Isn't that a bit overstated for Cher?

Oh, you don't wear them on your ear.

Oh, you're going to be late today.

Oh, what a bad day.

Jake the Klingon's been up to his old
tricks. I'm sure he's building up to

something. Oh, no, Ben, not more of
those stupid games.

It's not a game, it's the contest.

Anyway, I didn't let him put one over on
me this time. I thought you were

supposed to be friends.

I don't care who darted it.

Don't you realise these antics are just
a waste of time? If one of you stopped,

it wouldn't keep going on. I'm not
stopping. You can stop.

Dad, can we go to the Universal Studios?
They've got the hard rock camp right

next to the psycho house. I wonder why.
Let me see this.

Oh, we didn't have much today.

All right.

One tattoo.

I want an eagle with a bleeding heart on
its claw.

You can have the snake with its fangs
dripping with venom.

Girly.

Someday we'll look back and treasure
these magic moments.

Hello?

Yes, he is. Hang on.

It's Gareth from the castle.

Yeah?

Well, I only just got back.

What's the get done now?

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, I will.

Thanks. Bye.

It's Jake.

Oh, God, Ben.

He dropped dead.

This afternoon.

They found him in his van.

Heart attack.

Didn't he have a family?

No.

He always was a loner.

Parents? Dead.

Guess this means the end of the contest.

I wonder how these lids... What are you
doing?

I just want to make sure. You can't.
There's no one to see. Is that all you

think about? He's dead.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

I've never seen anyone before after
this.

You know.

Yeah?

What's it like?

I remember when I was a little girl, my
grandfather died.

Mum and Dad and I went up north
somewhere for the funeral.

I was only about five or something.

Anyway, while they were all talking in
the house, I went into the kitchen.

I don't know why.

And there he was on the kitchen table.

What?

Just lying on it?

In a coffin.

The north of England, not the swamps of
Tennessee. Well, I don't know.

Anyway, I peeped over the side and
looked at him.

But he didn't look like Grandad.

No? No.

He looked too... happy.

He was a bad -tempered old sod.

This was a sort of shell, like an empty
suit of clothes.

So I reached out and touched his skin.

It was like... ..a chicken from the cold
cabinet.

Oh, Bill!

What? Well, I thought it was going to
have a nice, rotten sort of ending.

Chicken from the... It's horrible.

It wasn't, though. That's my point.

Well, it sounds horrible. It wasn't. And
even though I was young, I realised

it's all just natural.

He was the same age as me.

We started out together in a business
practically at the same time.

I always ribbed him about the Star Trek
thing.

He just took it.

He was a good mate.

He was a good mate.

Mum.

Is everything to your satisfaction?

Oh, yeah, yeah, fine, thanks.

I was sorry to have to trouble you at
this difficult moment, but I have to ask

when you'll be making payment for the
arrangements.

It's a sign of the times, I'm afraid.

We do operate on a strict pre -payment
policy.

You mean... I'm paying for all this?

Well, it is normal for the executor of
the estate, where there's no next of

kin... Sorry, are you paying my husband,
the executor?

Well, yeah, I assumed you knew.

We found it on a card in his wallet.

Mr Ben Porter is named as being
responsible for everything in the event

death.

You scheming bastard.

Sorry,

I didn't mean to interrupt you paying
your respects.

Would you like to see him?

Yeah.

I'll wait in the office.

get you for this.

So how's he taking it?

Oh, you know, Ben doesn't find it easy
to show his feelings.

Rona, I think we should talk about this
baby business.

Why? I'm just worried you haven't
thought it through.

Yes, I have.

Well, what about work?

Carry on.

I mean afterwards.

How are we going to run a business if
you've got a baby to look after?

There's feeding and nappies and you'll
be in no condition for heavy work.

I mean, how do you expect us to cope
with a single mother on the staff?

Isn't that what they always say?

When they want us to stay at home?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Perhaps you're right.

No, no, I'm not.

Oh, well, make the work fit the problem.

I mean, it's our decision after all.
We're in this together.

What's that?

David's tattoos.

What are they?

Oh, I don't know why I don't just dye my
hair red, change my name to Lucy and be

done with it.

I saw your advertisement for the
catering business in the newsagent's

Oh, yes. What can we do for you?
Marjorie Atkins, environmental health

Right, that's recorded your main
details.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thank you. It's a drug.

Tea? It's the same drug.

Marijuana, then?

Now, I wonder if you'd show me the food
preparation area.

You mean the kitchen?

I do.

This way.

I've got two children.

I'm a spinster myself.

Swedish design.

She's a barrel of laughs.

I think we might be in trouble.

Why? Didn't you see her briefcase?

Thank you. I think that will suffice.
How do we do?

Well, as you're not actually engaged in
preparing food presently, I am inclined

to be lenient.

Oh, good.

We're not ogres.

I once turned a blind eye when my mother
made bilberry jam without a hairnet.

fully tiled and given stainless steel
worktops and splashbacks.

Oh. A separate hand basin must be
provided in the food preparation area

with suitable hand dryer and an
electrical insect sunning device for the

months. Oh.

Separate refrigerators must be acquired
for corked and uncooked food to prevent

contamination and all cookware must be
replaced with those conforming to EEC

standards. But all that will cost a
fortune.

There's no immediate hurry.

Thank goodness.

I shall return for a further inspection
in one month.

Good afternoon.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Who's that?

Clint Eastwood in slingbacks.

What? Health inspector.

Take that, testicles. We'll never afford
this stuff.

How did you get him on the solicitors?

How much bad news can you take him one
day?

I don't see how things can get any
worse, unless we've all got to dress up

characters from Star Trek for the
funeral.

Oh.

Look at the thimble.

Yeah, and the little table draw.

Hello.

Yes, I've just put them in.

What about Geordie P?

I told him he can't go as Mr Sulu.

Because Ken and Run Run are going as Mr
Sulu.

Because they're Chinese.

What, I don't care if he's bought the
material.

We can't have three Mr Sulus. How many
Mr Sulus are there?

Well, he'll have to go as Mr Chekov.

Yeah, all right.

Yep. OK.

Mum? Yes?

David and I were talking.

Oh, yes?

We know that you and Ronan need money to
keep your business going, and, well,

you probably thought of cancelling the
holiday, but didn't want to disappoint

us. Yes?

We just wanted to say... We don't want
to have it. No, we don't!

No, you said... You said typical.

I want chance of getting out this dump
with Scott. I didn't!

Well, perhaps I did, but... If it helps,
we'll give it up.

Won't we?

Yes. Thank you, but it hasn't quite come
to... Is that burning?

Oh, no, the Spock ears!

Ouch!

I told Gareth they'd be ready tomorrow.

Let me see.

I'll try scraping them. They might be
all right.

Him to do.

Yeah, these will be fine.

And you've still got to do yours.

Well, I've done mine.

When? I picked the air meals off my
white coat. I'm going as Dr Beverly

That's next generation. You can't go as
next generation.

This funeral is strictly old series.

Apart from that, they were all men.

Uhura! She was black and there wasn't
anybody else.

There was yeoman Janice Rand.

What did she ever do? Stood behind Dr
McCoy and vanished after 13 episodes.

It was what Jake wanted.

You've really taken this quite badly,
haven't you?

Oh, I don't know.

It's just that when I saw him lying
there, I thought... Well, I wish I'd

better friend to him when he was alive.

Now he's gone.

Where's your hem?

It's on the table.

I've got to meet Rona at the bank
straight out of the service anyway, so I

go in much of a costume.

Oh, Bill!

Go and scrape your ears.

he was a good man.

These ears are killing me.

Right?

Do I look okay?

Yeah, fine.

Anyway, we need to go through it again,
right?

Right.

Thank you all for coming.

You know why we're all here today.

To pay our last respects to this man
we've all worked alongside for many

in the manner that he wished us.

With reverence.

And dignity.

We may not have always got along with
him.

At all.

If ever.

But we put all that aside this afternoon
the way that he wanted.

That's why there are no hymns, no
prayers, but I'm going to read, as

from his appointments book.

Captain's log, stardate 230993.

I'm investigating knocking pipes on a
close -coupled radiator on the outer

of the galaxy in Hammersmith.

Tricorder readings indicate a possible
alien limescale blockage.

I am leading a landing party to
investigate.

Those were his last words, as far as we
know.

And now I'll ask you all to stand and
join with me in the song that Jake

found comforting in times of distress as
he makes his final journey.

And we say, beam him up, Scotty.

Something were to go straight in. Don't
worry, I'm sure he's quite reasonable.

Hello, Mrs Porter.

And you must be Miss Perry.

I thought you were my personal banker.

The bank has entirely restructured our
customer interface personnel to meet the

growing needs of the night.

You mean they fired you?

Yes.

Emily, I'm now retrained to offer you
the whole range of services that our

now offers as our contribution to the
growing small business sector today.

Here's one of our leaflets.

Have you had a chance to look at our
business plan? Yes, yes, I have had a

chance to look at your business plan.

And can the bank offer us something?

Yes. What?

Well, only one of our leaflets at
present.

You see...

A business plan does not include
securable equity to set against the

the bank on other occasions would be
very happy to provide.

But if business keeps up, we'll be able
to pay you back in six months. We just

can't do anything until we meet health
regulations.

I'm afraid the bank must insist on a
potentially liquid book lateral to set

against future possible bad debt
scenarios.

What does that mean?

It means we've got to put up something
of our own in case we can't pay.

I thought they were supposed to want to
lend us money.

Listen, Dawn, if we don't put up our
houses or something, what chance do we

have?

A Nat's nipple, I'm afraid.

All right, we'll think it over and get
back to you. Thank you, Mrs Porter and

Miss Harris.

And may I, on behalf of the bank, wish
your small business the very best luck,

both now and in the future?

Thank you. And may we wish you suffer
from excruciating haemorrhoids both now

and forevermore. Goodbye.

What are we going to do now?

I don't know.

Thank you all.

And so, in accordance with Mr. Klinger's
wishes, I am now going to ask Mr.

Porter, as executor, to read this
document.

So, you all made it, then.

I expect you're all wondering what I
have to say. Well, here it is.

You look the right bunch of plunkers.

You all used to laugh at me because of
my interests, and now you know what it

feels like. Not so funny now, is it? Ha
ha.

But I am strained from the point.

There is one person in particular who,
all joking aside, has been a true and

loyal friend to me.

It is no exaggeration to say that
without him, I could not have gone on.

And it's for this reason that I, Jake
Klinger, being of sound mind and body,

bequeath and request all my worldly
possessions to the Klingon by the filing

cabinet.

Cleared on by the filing cabinet.

Who the hell?

But... I saw you in the coffin. Allow me
to introduce you to my cousin Tom, the

undertaker. You?

I will teach you to nick my business.

You're here.

Oh, God, not that.

Come and sit down.

What are you at this time?

Judgement at Nuremberg on McCarthy witch
hunts. We wouldn't have to hunt for

you. You like Jimi Hendrix?

Well, how would you like to meet him?
Settle down.

Now, this isn't going to be very nice.

You know I've got to raise money for my
business somehow.

And your father and I have come to a
very difficult decision.

You're not cancelling the holiday.

Well, you did offer.

Yes, but we didn't mean it.

I've told everyone at school I'm going.

Oh, Mum.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, but it's the only way.

There is one other way.

Eh?

I could put up the car as collateral.

We might lose it if anything happened.

Well... Ben, are you sure about this?

It may have turned out to be a con, but
that Jake business has made me think.

Things won't always be the same.

So while we're together...

We might as well enjoy it.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Have a great time.

Bye. Bye.

And good luck with Tony.

Bye. Mia!

Bye.

That's the last one.

Serial boarding passes.

Boarding will be in half an hour's time
at gate 26.

Thanks.

Have a nice time in Miami.

We will.

Dad, I'm going to set up the metal
detector.

You too, and I'll kill you.

Do some breakfast.

I'm not one of those there for
breakfast.

Take a look at me.

That's what I would.