Original subtitles

No, I thought we were a bit behind.

Yeah?

Well, the leaky boiler.

They let the last one go to the suppliers. We had to order a new one in,

remember?

The other plumber put it in.

The other plumber?

Your friend?

What other plumber?

Well, he came yesterday.

Said he was finishing the job for you. You mean I bought this all the way up

here for nothing?

Christy,

this other plumber, what did he look like?

Well, tall, quite thin, stubbly chin... And a face like an undertaker.

Yeah, I'm sorry to have troubled you, really. Thank you.

Well, I want to try this. What is all this?

Come on.

He must have known we'd all of it.

Well, this time, he's made a big mistake.

What is this all he knows of?

Look out.

What for?

Go on!

have we got one of those in the back yes it happened yes

it's

a good quarter of a mile top he's not going to get me this time don't get out

Two for double, wasn't it? Sorry to keep you waiting. Christine!

Oh, David!

Here we are, then.

A steak with all the trimmings.

Trimmings? You'd need the Regent Street bloody illuminations to pass that off as

steak. I've been using my cheese salad.

Ah, well, I sneezed on the first one.

And now I've run out of some of the ingredients.

What have you got?

Oh, it's nothing serious. Let's just wipe it off with a cloth.

No, I'll have a bacon roll.

Oh, well, your wish is my command.

So, how long has this game been going on there? Oh, years on and off, but it's

not a game. It's a contest.

Good morning, Gary.

Hi.

Well, well, well.

Jake the Klingon. Ben.

How's it going, mate?

I just had a bit of trouble with the wheels.

It appeared some reprobate has urinated in my fuel tank.

Now, you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? You know me, Jake. I

usually like to take the piss.

Speaking of which, has Starfleet come on getting their uniforms at Oxfam these

days? Is someone going to introduce me or shall I just crawl back into my mouth

hole? This is my partner, Christine, the incredible shrinking woman.

This man's the best, Christine. He could teach me a thing or two.

Jake the Klingon, plumber, gentleman and trekkie.

He's a trekker, actually.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I've got a new one. Why does the chief engineer on the Enterprise always

look in pain?

Because Kirk keeps saying, beam me up, Scotty.

Very funny.

I'll tell you something funnier. What?

I lost a job this morning.

What a coincidence.

So did I. It appears it was completed by a fat -looking bastard.

Strange. Mine was nicked by a scruffy -looking git. There's obviously no

connection. Pies, pies, remember, this place is a sanctuary. Let us keep it

clean now.

You got a cheese salad?

Yeah.

I think I've got one left.

He has no cause for grief, is there?

We've always been mates, haven't we? Yeah.

Didn't I tell you he's the best? I tell you, I'd do anything for this guy.

There is one thing you could do. What?

Drop dead.

That's very good.

Thanks, Gareth.

New dressing, I see.

Live long and prosper.

I've nearly enough for a new car, and you're finally having your holiday.

And?

And Tony the DJ rang me. He's out of town at the moment, but as soon as he

back, he's coming over, and then bingo!

It starts with bingo and ends up with a full house.

That's the idea.

I thought that perfect father for your baby business was just PMT.

Nope.

Well, shouldn't you get to know him?

I don't need to. It's his biological genes I want.

We're only 15.

So clinical.

You've said it often enough, Bill. There are bodies and we can choose what

happens to them.

Oh, well.

Cheer up.

It's all happening at last.

Yeah. We don't seem very pleased.

When we were fired from the bakery and airmeals, we never dreamed we could

actually do it. No, I am pleased. We did it.

What then?

Who do you think would say, don't go, Maya?

How do you spell that?

M -Y -M -I. Oh, I don't know. Where did you get this name?

Just forget it. It's probably nothing.

Busy tonight?

I've got myself a Rob Lowe video, a Haagen -Dazs and a family pack of

Fancy a 99.

Apart from the arithmetic, you're right.

Bye, Ben. Bye, Ron.

Oh, the flight tickets have come.

Are these yours?

Yes, my new Cher designer outfit.

One of them, a pair of earrings and a gusset. Two earrings?

Isn't that a bit overstated for Cher?

Oh, you don't wear them on your ear.

Oh, you're going to be late today.

Oh, what a bad day.

Jake the Klingon's been up to his old tricks. I'm sure he's building up to

something. Oh, no, Ben, not more of those stupid games.

It's not a game, it's the contest.

Anyway, I didn't let him put one over on me this time. I thought you were

supposed to be friends.

I don't care who darted it.

Don't you realise these antics are just a waste of time? If one of you stopped,

it wouldn't keep going on. I'm not stopping. You can stop.

Dad, can we go to the Universal Studios? They've got the hard rock camp right

next to the psycho house. I wonder why. Let me see this.

Oh, we didn't have much today.

All right.

One tattoo.

I want an eagle with a bleeding heart on its claw.

You can have the snake with its fangs dripping with venom.

Girly.

Someday we'll look back and treasure these magic moments.

Hello?

Yes, he is. Hang on.

It's Gareth from the castle.

Yeah?

Well, I only just got back.

What's the get done now?

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, I will.

Thanks. Bye.

It's Jake.

Oh, God, Ben.

He dropped dead.

This afternoon.

They found him in his van.

Heart attack.

Didn't he have a family?

No.

He always was a loner.

Parents? Dead.

Guess this means the end of the contest.

I wonder how these lids... What are you doing?

I just want to make sure. You can't. There's no one to see. Is that all you

think about? He's dead.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

I've never seen anyone before after this.

You know.

Yeah?

What's it like?

I remember when I was a little girl, my grandfather died.

Mum and Dad and I went up north somewhere for the funeral.

I was only about five or something.

Anyway, while they were all talking in the house, I went into the kitchen.

I don't know why.

And there he was on the kitchen table.

What?

Just lying on it?

In a coffin.

The north of England, not the swamps of Tennessee. Well, I don't know.

Anyway, I peeped over the side and looked at him.

But he didn't look like Grandad.

No? No.

He looked too... happy.

He was a bad -tempered old sod.

This was a sort of shell, like an empty suit of clothes.

So I reached out and touched his skin.

It was like... ..a chicken from the cold cabinet.

Oh, Bill!

What? Well, I thought it was going to have a nice, rotten sort of ending.

Chicken from the... It's horrible.

It wasn't, though. That's my point.

Well, it sounds horrible. It wasn't. And even though I was young, I realised

it's all just natural.

He was the same age as me.

We started out together in a business practically at the same time.

I always ribbed him about the Star Trek thing.

He just took it.

He was a good mate.

He was a good mate.

Mum.

Is everything to your satisfaction?

Oh, yeah, yeah, fine, thanks.

I was sorry to have to trouble you at this difficult moment, but I have to ask

when you'll be making payment for the arrangements.

It's a sign of the times, I'm afraid.

We do operate on a strict pre -payment policy.

You mean... I'm paying for all this?

Well, it is normal for the executor of the estate, where there's no next of

kin... Sorry, are you paying my husband, the executor?

Well, yeah, I assumed you knew.

We found it on a card in his wallet.

Mr Ben Porter is named as being responsible for everything in the event

death.

You scheming bastard.

Sorry,

I didn't mean to interrupt you paying your respects.

Would you like to see him?

Yeah.

I'll wait in the office.

get you for this.

So how's he taking it?

Oh, you know, Ben doesn't find it easy to show his feelings.

Rona, I think we should talk about this baby business.

Why? I'm just worried you haven't thought it through.

Yes, I have.

Well, what about work?

Carry on.

I mean afterwards.

How are we going to run a business if you've got a baby to look after?

There's feeding and nappies and you'll be in no condition for heavy work.

I mean, how do you expect us to cope with a single mother on the staff?

Isn't that what they always say?

When they want us to stay at home?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Perhaps you're right.

No, no, I'm not.

Oh, well, make the work fit the problem.

I mean, it's our decision after all. We're in this together.

What's that?

David's tattoos.

What are they?

Oh, I don't know why I don't just dye my hair red, change my name to Lucy and be

done with it.

I saw your advertisement for the catering business in the newsagent's

Oh, yes. What can we do for you? Marjorie Atkins, environmental health

Right, that's recorded your main details.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thank you. It's a drug.

Tea? It's the same drug.

Marijuana, then?

Now, I wonder if you'd show me the food preparation area.

You mean the kitchen?

I do.

This way.

I've got two children.

I'm a spinster myself.

Swedish design.

She's a barrel of laughs.

I think we might be in trouble.

Why? Didn't you see her briefcase?

Thank you. I think that will suffice. How do we do?

Well, as you're not actually engaged in preparing food presently, I am inclined

to be lenient.

Oh, good.

We're not ogres.

I once turned a blind eye when my mother made bilberry jam without a hairnet.

fully tiled and given stainless steel worktops and splashbacks.

Oh. A separate hand basin must be provided in the food preparation area

with suitable hand dryer and an electrical insect sunning device for the

months. Oh.

Separate refrigerators must be acquired for corked and uncooked food to prevent

contamination and all cookware must be replaced with those conforming to EEC

standards. But all that will cost a fortune.

There's no immediate hurry.

Thank goodness.

I shall return for a further inspection in one month.

Good afternoon.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Who's that?

Clint Eastwood in slingbacks.

What? Health inspector.

Take that, testicles. We'll never afford this stuff.

How did you get him on the solicitors?

How much bad news can you take him one day?

I don't see how things can get any worse, unless we've all got to dress up

characters from Star Trek for the funeral.

Oh.

Look at the thimble.

Yeah, and the little table draw.

Hello.

Yes, I've just put them in.

What about Geordie P?

I told him he can't go as Mr Sulu.

Because Ken and Run Run are going as Mr Sulu.

Because they're Chinese.

What, I don't care if he's bought the material.

We can't have three Mr Sulus. How many Mr Sulus are there?

Well, he'll have to go as Mr Chekov.

Yeah, all right.

Yep. OK.

Mum? Yes?

David and I were talking.

Oh, yes?

We know that you and Ronan need money to keep your business going, and, well,

you probably thought of cancelling the holiday, but didn't want to disappoint

us. Yes?

We just wanted to say... We don't want to have it. No, we don't!

No, you said... You said typical.

I want chance of getting out this dump with Scott. I didn't!

Well, perhaps I did, but... If it helps, we'll give it up.

Won't we?

Yes. Thank you, but it hasn't quite come to... Is that burning?

Oh, no, the Spock ears!

Ouch!

I told Gareth they'd be ready tomorrow.

Let me see.

I'll try scraping them. They might be all right.

Him to do.

Yeah, these will be fine.

And you've still got to do yours.

Well, I've done mine.

When? I picked the air meals off my white coat. I'm going as Dr Beverly

That's next generation. You can't go as next generation.

This funeral is strictly old series.

Apart from that, they were all men.

Uhura! She was black and there wasn't anybody else.

There was yeoman Janice Rand.

What did she ever do? Stood behind Dr McCoy and vanished after 13 episodes.

It was what Jake wanted.

You've really taken this quite badly, haven't you?

Oh, I don't know.

It's just that when I saw him lying there, I thought... Well, I wish I'd

better friend to him when he was alive.

Now he's gone.

Where's your hem?

It's on the table.

I've got to meet Rona at the bank straight out of the service anyway, so I

go in much of a costume.

Oh, Bill!

Go and scrape your ears.

he was a good man.

These ears are killing me.

Right?

Do I look okay?

Yeah, fine.

Anyway, we need to go through it again, right?

Right.

Thank you all for coming.

You know why we're all here today.

To pay our last respects to this man we've all worked alongside for many

in the manner that he wished us.

With reverence.

And dignity.

We may not have always got along with him.

At all.

If ever.

But we put all that aside this afternoon the way that he wanted.

That's why there are no hymns, no prayers, but I'm going to read, as

from his appointments book.

Captain's log, stardate 230993.

I'm investigating knocking pipes on a close -coupled radiator on the outer

of the galaxy in Hammersmith.

Tricorder readings indicate a possible alien limescale blockage.

I am leading a landing party to investigate.

Those were his last words, as far as we know.

And now I'll ask you all to stand and join with me in the song that Jake

found comforting in times of distress as he makes his final journey.

And we say, beam him up, Scotty.

Something were to go straight in. Don't worry, I'm sure he's quite reasonable.

Hello, Mrs Porter.

And you must be Miss Perry.

I thought you were my personal banker.

The bank has entirely restructured our customer interface personnel to meet the

growing needs of the night.

You mean they fired you?

Yes.

Emily, I'm now retrained to offer you the whole range of services that our

now offers as our contribution to the growing small business sector today.

Here's one of our leaflets.

Have you had a chance to look at our business plan? Yes, yes, I have had a

chance to look at your business plan.

And can the bank offer us something?

Yes. What?

Well, only one of our leaflets at present.

You see...

A business plan does not include securable equity to set against the

the bank on other occasions would be very happy to provide.

But if business keeps up, we'll be able to pay you back in six months. We just

can't do anything until we meet health regulations.

I'm afraid the bank must insist on a potentially liquid book lateral to set

against future possible bad debt scenarios.

What does that mean?

It means we've got to put up something of our own in case we can't pay.

I thought they were supposed to want to lend us money.

Listen, Dawn, if we don't put up our houses or something, what chance do we

have?

A Nat's nipple, I'm afraid.

All right, we'll think it over and get back to you. Thank you, Mrs Porter and

Miss Harris.

And may I, on behalf of the bank, wish your small business the very best luck,

both now and in the future?

Thank you. And may we wish you suffer from excruciating haemorrhoids both now

and forevermore. Goodbye.

What are we going to do now?

I don't know.

Thank you all.

And so, in accordance with Mr. Klinger's wishes, I am now going to ask Mr.

Porter, as executor, to read this document.

So, you all made it, then.

I expect you're all wondering what I have to say. Well, here it is.

You look the right bunch of plunkers.

You all used to laugh at me because of my interests, and now you know what it

feels like. Not so funny now, is it? Ha ha.

But I am strained from the point.

There is one person in particular who, all joking aside, has been a true and

loyal friend to me.

It is no exaggeration to say that without him, I could not have gone on.

And it's for this reason that I, Jake Klinger, being of sound mind and body,

bequeath and request all my worldly possessions to the Klingon by the filing

cabinet.

Cleared on by the filing cabinet.

Who the hell?

But... I saw you in the coffin. Allow me to introduce you to my cousin Tom, the

undertaker. You?

I will teach you to nick my business.

You're here.

Oh, God, not that.

Come and sit down.

What are you at this time?

Judgement at Nuremberg on McCarthy witch hunts. We wouldn't have to hunt for

you. You like Jimi Hendrix?

Well, how would you like to meet him? Settle down.

Now, this isn't going to be very nice.

You know I've got to raise money for my business somehow.

And your father and I have come to a very difficult decision.

You're not cancelling the holiday.

Well, you did offer.

Yes, but we didn't mean it.

I've told everyone at school I'm going.

Oh, Mum.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, but it's the only way.

There is one other way.

Eh?

I could put up the car as collateral.

We might lose it if anything happened.

Well... Ben, are you sure about this?

It may have turned out to be a con, but that Jake business has made me think.

Things won't always be the same.

So while we're together...

We might as well enjoy it.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye. Have a great time.

Bye. Bye.

And good luck with Tony.

Bye. Mia!

Bye.

That's the last one.

Serial boarding passes.

Boarding will be in half an hour's time at gate 26.

Thanks.

Have a nice time in Miami.

We will.

Dad, I'm going to set up the metal detector.

You too, and I'll kill you.

Do some breakfast.

I'm not one of those there for breakfast.

Take a look at me.

That's what I would.

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