Original subtitles

Mm -hmm.

Yes, I know.

So how many burners do they have in the community centre kitchen?

Hmm.

Well, I assume there is, but we've never done hot food before.

Well, can you call in on your way back?

Oh, and try the oven.

Yeah.

Bill, are you there?

Coming! Rona, can you call me back?

Can anybody hear me? I'm coming!

No!

I forgot my keys!

David! David,

get down here!

Why are you on the floor?

Open the front door!

Why? Open it!

Hi. Hi, Dad.

Where's your mum?

On the floor.

think of? I thought you were out.

There must have been another way.

I could hardly go next door and ask to go through the back, could I? No,

you broke into their house three weeks ago.

It wasn't that. It's because we left them tied up for 48 hours trying to dial

with a pencil in their mouth. Oh, the sticky blaster came loose eventually.

Yeah, I'm just trying to part her legs with a fish slice.

What junction box?

Outside the bedroom window. You can see where the wire comes out. Oh, this is so

frustrating!

Well, I could... No!

If Pelican know you've touched it, they refuse to mend it.

This is our biggest job. I need the phone.

Look, if you really want to help, go and ring the engineers again.

All right.

What's this?

Oh, David's been bringing them home and hiding them up.

Not a son of mine.

A metalhead.

Well, you saw that thing he was wearing.

Yeah, but I thought it was just a transvestite. This is sick.

Ben.

You forgot your key.

OK,

so we grill the chicken peakers while the pies heat up, then serve them with

dips? No, we need the oven next. for garlic bread.

We need something else to grill.

Sausages? No, someone has to be in there to turn them every few minutes.

You'll be in there?

No, I'll be passing around the takers.

Christine can pass around the takers. She'll be getting out the pies.

No, bringing back the tartlets. Oh, you're right.

I know.

What if we tenderise the takers when the tartlets return, move back the

munchies, stick on the sausages while we pop in the pies?

Listen, Danny Kaye, whichever way you put it, we need another person that we

can't afford.

Unless we had any other ideas for sale briefs.

Exercising about marrying someone, you try writing your name only with his

surname, just to see what it looks like.

Yes.

Well, I was just doing that.

Only with babies.

What?

I just wanted to see what one would look like if I had one with

somebody.

See?

Cruz's chin, Mickey Rourke's eyes.

And Bruce Willis's hair.

It's not a joke. Well, what is it then?

I want to have one.

Before it's too late.

Have you told Rob, Tom and Mickey?

I knew it. I knew you'd laugh at me.

Well, it's all right for you.

You're not single with your biological clock ticking.

Well, I'm sorry.

I understand.

It's just, um...

What I mean is... Who?

Don't worry.

I'm not going to embarrass everybody with another wedding.

I'm going to a sperm bank.

And you're going to say, have you got any donors that look like this?

Why not?

Well, it's silly.

No, it isn't. You can choose the characteristics of the donor. That's not

what I mean.

Rona, a father's more than just a sperm.

Talk about this after the job.

Did you ring telecom?

Yeah, the phone box was broken. I had to go away to home care. And? They can't

come till Saturday.

The job's on Saturday. I need a phone.

Close your eyes and hold out your hands.

Close yours and undo your flies.

Bought my surprise.

A mobile.

Yeah, it's Brian's. Met him in home care by the formica.

He said you could borrow it.

Every bill shows all the calls so you can pay him for the ones you make.

And Tina won't mind?

No, probably not.

I should be going.

Burrow. I've got to get to the bank before it closes.

Wheat Bank.

The Bank Bank.

What does she mean, the Bank Bank? Oh, that's the least of our worries. I don't

care about your stupid football. Oh, Jane.

Look, if you'd rather kick a stupid ball about than see me, well, I can't stop

you. Oh, come on, it's only once. That's how it starts.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's over.

You're, um, free on Saturday, then.

We're back.

Hello?

What is it you want to tell me?

I think so.

It's Saturday.

Oh, no.

I've got to pick up the bread and call Rona and load up the car.

Bill. And the sausages have to be cut up and put on the tray. And I have to...

Phone the bride's mother and make sure she gets the kids.

This is the job.

No, it isn't.

More than that.

The job.

What do you mean, the job?

The job that shows me whether this is the right thing for me to be doing.

I don't know how to explain.

Look, it's just you and some other women doing what they always do.

Only as a business.

Is it?

Isn't it?

Ben, am I kidding myself? This is what I want to do with my life.

Look, you can do it.

a few of them out there now.

Christine, take these in straight away, will you? I'm still fiddling with my

penny. Now, please.

I don't need the money, you know. I'm only doing this because I'm nice

Yes, and Michael Jackson's got a skin condition.

More coming in.

Jenny, take this one in, will you?

Last Saturday, I had a life.

This Saturday, my mother's got me piping off Romanian Acides Vermante, a

champagne. Oh, God. Rona, will you get the other bottle?

watching out there?

I don't know.

She's wearing yellow.

Are you really serious about this?

Why shouldn't I be?

I don't know. Just thought it might be one of your whims.

What do you mean one of my whims? I don't have whims.

What?

Nothing. Just that usually when it's that time.

What time?

You know.

Well, they're... But tomorrow morning they'll wake up feeling like Ceausescu.

As he is now.

Well, how many more do we need?

I don't know. Can't we hand out the bottles and let them fight for it? No!

If I wanted to balance classes all day, I would have become a performing bloody

seal.

Oh, that's fine.

No, she's always like that. Is she?

I think she's had her hormones taken out and replaced with metal ones.

your life in Japan saving dolphins.

By the end of the week, you were back to saying flippers should be minced up and

made into cat food if you didn't stop that stupid squeaking.

I meant well.

You're getting like my doctor. You go in there with an axe embedded in your

chest. He says, oh, that's just PMT. I'll give you some value.

You're lucky.

My doctor's never even heard of PMT.

Probably thinks it's the anti -lock braking system on a Vauxhall Senate.

Well, at least my PMT doesn't make me snap at everybody.

I don't snap at everybody.

Mum!

Don't shout at me. I can't help it.

I'm sorry.

What's the matter?

I nearly slipped through the tray.

It's all right.

It's a polished floor and I'm wearing these stupid shoes. Don't worry. Just

relax. You'll be fine. One more left. Off you go. I'm sorry.

Is that how she gets?

Yes. Oh, I don't know. It's all so confusing.

Look, just trust me on this. See if you feel the same way at the end of the

week. I suppose so. And I will try not to snap, deal?

Now let's just keep calm, concentrate on the job in hand.

I'll take these.

What's the matter?

I know everyone thinks I'm a bit of a joke.

and I know what he wants.

with all this crap. They'll probably be divorced by Christmas.

Arsenal supporters Hi

mate

And, of course, you know my husband, Jim.

How do you do? Can I tempt you?

Oh, thank you.

We've driven up from Swindon this morning.

What was the traffic like?

Very bad.

Oh, would you care for another?

Thank you.

The traffic was very bad the moment we hit town. Yeah, it always is these days.

I think the... Here I am again.

Thank you.

Can I have one, please?

I suppose so.

Excuse me. Rona, have you seen the mobile phone?

No. Can you take over in the kitchen?

Yes.

You two look like a pair of soggy underpants left on the line in the

There's one thing that really gets on my tits. It's miserable salt.

watch these sausages and keep turning them. I don't want them to stick.

Oh, she's right behind me.

I'll get her.

So, where's the phone?

Oh, it must be under something. I'll find it later.

Sausages need pricking.

You mustn't prick sausages. They'll look all messy.

I'll be back in a minute.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Jenny.

Oh.

It's you.

counter at home care.

I knew it would be.

Brian's building a combination wet bar and showcase for his beer mats in the

gazebo.

I knew it'd be some silly man.

better off not knowing.

under the first request from a lovely lady called Rona. And she says, can I

a sample of your sperm?

together and when

Rubbish. David!

We'll unload the car tomorrow.

David! Turn that thing off unless you want to see the stairway to heaven.

Bummer, dude.

While you're up there, will you paint the ceiling? What?

Nothing.

Is she on drugs or has he kissed her again? Nothing you say or do is going to

upset me. That's a challenge I like.

Where's your father?

Haven't seen him.

Do you know a deaf leopard drummer's got no arms?

Really? I don't suppose your Auntie Tina rang. I've been trying to get a hold of

her. The phone man did come, but no one away again.

Oh, no!

He's been fiddling with that bloody wire and then I'll kill him!

Still a bath.

How'd it go?

of something down here. Oh?

How did they get there? Well, I can't imagine.