Original subtitles

Well? Well, what?

What do you want me to do?

I told you. No, you didn't.

Get the wire brushes.

Why? Because I said so.

I mean, why? What is it? I am supposed to be learning the trade, you know. All

right.

It's because of the, uh... The, uh...

Well? What?

I want to hear the same words over and over again. I've put on a Morrissey

record. Just get the wire brushes, will you? Are you all right? Yes.

Only you look knackered to me.

I am fine.

You know you nearly hit that cyclist on the way here.

Look, I may be a little tired, but there's nothing wrong with my judgement,

thank you.

All right, how many fingers am I holding up?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Getting through to some people is like trying to see what's behind Judith

Chalmers.

I tried to come back today.

This is... So embarrassing.

There we go.

The R -A -C, not the R -F -U.

They were practicing near the park. It's only a few hundred yards home.

And I don't see what's embarrassing.

What about

the police?

They are.

Oh,

thanks a lot. Thank you.

That's worth a dozen specials on the scrum machine.

Right, I'd better get the lads off to a shower.

Well, Rona, I was only going to walk you to the tree.

Oh, not for me, thanks, madam.

Thanks again.

Is this your car, madam?

You knew it is.

You should be aware that this car is not in a roadworthy condition for a public

highway.

Yeah, well, I'll let you off with a caution this time.

Right, come on then.

My father sells books on the corner.

Oh, great.

That is all we need.

Hi, Mum.

Did you get it?

Yes.

No, this is Mark from Take That. I said Len from Home and Away.

No -one can get this one anywhere.

Well, they all look the same, don't they?

Look, this is the one here.

Not that one.

God, I'm not a 12 -year -old. Oh, look, Rona, you can see his nipple. I may pass

out.

I bet no -one ridiculed your taste in men when you were young.

This is not a man.

What is it, then? I don't know.

Thought. Thought.

Furry, teethy, bony sort of thing.

Thanks. Oh, go on, they were nearly the same in our day.

Yes, Mother, tell us again about Woodstock.

Well, go back tomorrow and see if they'll change it.

Go on, Bolton. When they buried the pharaohs, they pulled out their insides

a hook stuck up their noses.

If I find any of my coat hangers missing, I'll bury you.

In a special tomb like the Premature Burial? No, just an ordinary cheap

Premature Burial. I'll never get anything good.

No, come on.

who said I'd only go another 500 miles if I was lucky.

Do you think that's depressing?

I'm seriously thinking of getting all my groceries at cheap, Dave.

Not cheap, Dave.

You couldn't.

I think people go in there that never come out.

They grind them up in the back and make them into biscuits.

That's why they're so cheap.

Rona, don't be ridiculous.

Everybody knows those biscuits are old dog biscuits made into a different

That's why they're so cheap.

Anyway... It's not that bad in there.

You've been in?

Yes. What's it like?

Oh, it's not depressing at all.

It's full of rough boys.

Really rough.

Women who look exhausted and suicidal trying to stretch their gyros.

Old dears who thought their pensions would be enough to feed them.

They make them leave their teeth at security so they don't sample anything

without pain.

Things can't get any worse.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'll be all right. It's nothing.

Just leave it, will you?

What's all this about?

Tell her.

I'm just a bit tired. It's nothing to worry about.

He only went to sleep with the gas coming out all over the place. If I'd

a match when I came back, we'd all be over the rainbow with Judy bleeding

garlands.

It could happen to anybody.

What's made you tired like this, Ben?

Nothing.

dog biscuits.

Christine, does your brother still deal in scraps? Does Mother Teresa still wear

a tea cloth?

Something I'd like him to take a look at. Oh, Rona, are you sure? That boot

be spacious, but it's never going to hold a spare rugby team.

Come on.

Tell Rip Van Winkle I'll see him in the morning.

All right.

Oh.

Hello, Gon.

Let's make sure we get an early night tonight, eh?

Ben? You all right?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

I couldn't sleep.

Oh, come on.

I'll give you a cuddle. OK.

I'm coming.

In a minute.

That always gets me.

Are you all right?

Yeah, it's all right. I'll get it this time.

Can I leave it?

In a minute.

No, come on.

Yes, in a minute.

Come on. No!

It's all right, it won't be long.

How often have you been playing me?

The only one I can't sleep.

Well, how often is that?

Now and again.

Ben?

I'd like you to stop now.

In a minute.

No, now. In a minute.

You can't stop, can you? I can stop any time I like.

Well, go on, show me. Well, I can't stop now. I haven't got to level three.

Ever.

I know how to get to level three.

How? There's a trick to it.

David showed me.

Give me the control.

Give it to me.

Gently.

That's it.

Right.

What did you do that for? You're addicted to this thing.

This can't be stupid.

That's why you're tired all the time. You've been staying up all night playing

this. It's only a game.

Right, you won't mind if I turn it off then, will you?

Now, Ben, Ben, Ben, I had to do that. You know I did.

Just...

Sit down.

Go on, just sit.

There.

That's better.

Now, how long have you been getting up and playing this? Now and again.

Most nights.

It helps me relax.

Whizzing about the screen, being a karate -kicking badger killing giant

moles helps you relax.

You make it sound brainless. Oh, really?

It takes a lot of skill.

Yes, I can see that.

Well, I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. Business is well down.

Well, you never said.

No, well, I didn't want to depress you. At least with that, I'm in control of

it. You're in control of it?

Look, Ben, I know we sometimes all feel out of control of the things that rule

our lives, but when we hand over what control we've got to something else,

is an addiction.

It is not an addiction.

I choose when to play it. Oh, good.

it can sit here all weekend and you won't play it, right?

No.

No need.

Okay.

Let's go back up there and let's put ninja badgers out of our minds once and

all.

I'm still going to Cheap Slave. You could give me a lift. I'm not shopping

Cheap Slave. Honey, Sleevel's going to that place.

All right.

I'll wear a stocking mask. Most of the customers do.

I'm 17 and I'm in the underclass.

Oh, what's all this tonight all?

You need the money and I need the money.

I'm going to blum up business.

Where? I'm going to my school reunion.

Broly hated that school.

He said all the other girls were freaks and misery.

Of course they were miseries. It was a Catholic school. We had misery exams.

Anyway, there's bound to be some useful contact for work.

Do you know what you think of the play?

What about Sister Virtue?

Sister Virtue was about 600 when she taught me. She's hardly likely to turn

unless they wheel her in in an iron lung.

Well,

if you think you can face it, certainly do with the work.

Right, here you are. One glass of mash.

It's better than all that caffeine.

You know it's a drug.

I certainly hope it is. There's no other reason to drink instant coffee.

You did leave the egg out.

Er, yeah, I think so.

Well, you wouldn't want someone to eat your embryos, would you?

Don't tempt me.

I think this must be the one. There are a pile of fainted girls under the rack.

I didn't ask you to go out for this.

I know.

Mum, David's being nice to me.

It's all right. He doesn't mean it.

Costumes in the precinct today, handing out gifts outside the pet shop. That's

just a coincidence.

Give it here.

Oh, no, not another mouse to feed.

All right, go in the kitchen, find something to put it in. I suppose I'll

to find money for a tank now.

Yes, Mum.

Right, your father will be home soon, so I want you to remember, no fighting, no

tension. I want you to make this house restful for him.

How? And nobody is to mention badgers.

Badgers? I said nobody was to mention badgers. Come on.

Bye.

What's up?

Nothing. I don't always have to be gloomy, do I?

Where's your mum?

Shopping.

How was work today?

Right, well, I've got to get ready. Jason's coming to collect me in a while.

It's all right. We're not having sex or anything.

I didn't say that because we do.

Well, I just didn't want to upset you by thinking.

Well, it's Asia having to badger me.

What am I doing?

I'm playing the bloody microwave.

Go on.

No.

Just one game.

No.

It'll relax you.

No, it won't.

It will.

Come on.

Over here.

Will you stop it? I'm staying right here.

Over we go.

One game won't hurt.

I said I wouldn't.

You know you're tense.

I am not tense.

Yes, you are.

Come on now.

That's it.

Steady now.

It's ready.

Hello, Mr. Porter. Is Jen there?

A glass of water.

No, thank you, Sister.

Perhaps just the one.

Don't want to overdo it.

Rona?

Rona, how are you? Um, yes.

Carol Riley.

You remember?

We sat together in catechism.

Oh, yes.

Hello.

It's years since I've been to one of these.

Yes, me too.

Well, how are you? What have you been up to?

Oh, well, I've been abroad for quite a while.

Working with sick children in a medical mission in Africa.

Thank goodness we helped to make leprosy a thing of the past.

Yeah. And then I got married, had five wonderful children, but quite a handful.

How I find time to continue my work with the homeless, I shall never know.

That's pretty much been my life.

And you?

The same.

How did you find your missionary position?

I'm sorry?

I worked with headless children.

Headless? Look, homeless children in Africa.

And of course you got married. Of course. How many children?

Six. How lovely. What are their names?

Dave, Dee, Dozie, Beaky, Mick and Hitch.

You always were a bit of a joker. Yes, I am. In fact, Carol would like to say...

I knew you'd turn out well. But I don't mind telling you that at the time, all

of us girls thought you were a bit of a tart.

Did you?

They even used to bet you'd end up no good.

Oh.

And what's your husband like?

He died.

Yes, all I have to support me and my wonderful, wonderful children is the

catering business.

I run with a friend of mine.

Catering? Yes, you know, parties, weddings. Oh, well, we must do something

that. I have a friend, Maureen, who's planning a wedding for her eldest. Quite

soon. Shall I get her to call you? No, no, I couldn't. Here's my card.

But please don't mention any of my troubles.

I wouldn't dream of it.

Thank you, Carol.

You turned out just like I told the girls you would.

Sister Melody.

And now, a special treat for all of us.

I know you will be as excited as I am to welcome, with the gracious help of the

Sisters of the Sacred Heart Hospital, one to whom we all owe so much, our own

Sister Virtue.

She'll be down in a minute.

Right.

Hi, Chad.

Oh, Christine's brother, right? Yeah, came for the motor. Yeah, it's Blue

Triumph over the road. Right. Got the key?

No, she didn't leave them. Ah.

It's all right.

I'll use my mechanics key.

Cheers.

Jen, Jason's waiting!

I'm not ready yet.

Women, eh?

Well, all the same, innit?

Yes,

well, I'm glad we had this little talk.

Anything you wanted to say?

About Jen?

Well, yeah, there was... Cut the tea, I'll put the kettle on.

That's that, then.

So, you were saying?

Oh, yeah, what I wanted to say was that, I mean, I respect her.

Yes. Well, I wouldn't.

We wouldn't do anything before marriage.

Do you understand?

Yes. I think I get the picture.

I sometimes imagine what it would be like.

What?

Being married.

But it's not anything you can really imagine, is it?

No.

What do you imagine?

Well, I... Nah.

Oh, come on.

You won't laugh? No.

I sometimes imagine that I work for you.

Do you really?

Yeah.

I work with you all day, and in the evening, I come home, and Jen's waiting

me. And the moment I... Jen, for God's sake, hurry up!

Over the years, many of my girls have called me a tartar, a disciplinarian.

a stickler for morals, for obedience, for truth.

And I say to them this, the liar shall burn in

hell!

And why will the girl who commits falsehood thrive forever in the pits of

excruciating damnation?

Because every time a lie is uttered, The innocent deceived, a

devil is released into the world.

Yes, a foul demon will sit on her shoulder and he shall

fly abroad the land and commit evil.

For before that very day is out, an innocent shall suffer.

Suffer for her evil and wicked sin.

Who's that?

Hello?

early.

What's the matter?

Is everything all right?

Yeah. Why wouldn't it be?

The kitchen.

What? Where are the kids?

Jenny's out with Jason. David's upstairs.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

Rona had some silly idea something was going to happen. You did too?

Yes. Well, never mind.

Tell him our good news.

Oh,

I think I've got us a customer.

Great. So, how did you get on with Ninja Badger?

I haven't touched it.

I took the cartridge with me just in case.

What?

You mean I couldn't have played it even if I tried? Well, you didn't try, did

you? No.

It was bloody hell.

Don't say that.

I think you did really well.

It was the fish, actually.

The fish?

Yeah, in the kitchen.

There it is, swimming around.

This entire well's just a couple of inches across.

And I thought, why does it do that?

Why doesn't it just lie down on the bottom and sod it?

And then I got it.

It may have only a small well, but it uses all of it.

Every little bit it's got.

So now whenever I'm tense, I go in there and watch it swimming around, and I

think, well, if you can cope, so can I.

Looks like a treat.

I see they haven't taken my car, then.

What? It's still there.

It is,

look.

What are you... Any... Ben?

Ben!

No! No, you can't!

I must have the badger! No, you don't!

I don't suppose you've seen anything happen to my car, have you?

That blue Triumph parked it outside this morning.

Ben, I want you to go into the kitchen where the fish is

and put the kettle on.

Yeah.

I think you'd better come in and sit down.

Sit down?

And all of us here at 2 .4 Children would like you to share in the secret

made that last joke possible.

It was a real fish that you saw in the liquidiser the first time.

Then after we saw Belinda, we stopped the videotape recording.

Cut it there and change the fish.

Then we changed the fish for a fake one before I switched the liquidiser on.

Because we care deeply about all living creatures.

Four.

Three, get rid of the fish.

And you, Ben.

Yes, I'm fine.