Original subtitles

You made sure David went up on time. Yeah.

He wanted to stay out all night and play this. He wouldn't leave it alone. I

told him. It could affect his brain if he wasn't careful.

How's Jenny?

About half past one.

Half past three?

Oh, now I've been sliced in half by the whirling dervish.

Oh, dear.

Can't you stop for a minute?

What? Now?

Peter Snow had to put his toys away at quarter past eleven. It's only fair.

I just got the Sphinx with a poisonous breath.

What's this card?

That's from next door.

Why have you addressed it to you?

I didn't kill her dog.

Neither did I.

Holiday greetings from the Jungfrau.

This is the mountain path Leonard and I climbed this afternoon.

The shape in the distance is the von Trapp family fleeing back to the Nazis.

What time is it?

She left a note for you.

Dear Mother.

Oh, God.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to get into the kitchen to check the ironing basket

as you, in sarcastic -looking letters, are in there still, underlined three

times, making bourgeois titbits for middle -class politicians.

It's a buffet social for the Liberal Democrat Club. What's that got to do

politics? I thought you said Paddy Ashdown will be there. His secretary

couldn't be sure if he was coming or not.

Well, that certainly makes a chance.

We were lucky to get this job.

Normally two little old ladies in the party do it for nothing. What happened?

They told him to stuff it and joined Labour.

Have you ironed my cream shirt yet?

I want to wear it to go out tomorrow. Oh, no.

I hate this stupid grunge look.

It's the fashion.

You wear all your old rubbish.

We used to call it poverty, remember?

No, we were too poor for poverty.

You know, when I was young, we really were quite poor.

So were we.

But despite that, we were miserable.

I used to look at my mum, exhausted from shopping and cooking and her job at the

factory, and think, it's got to be different to this.

Yeah.

What?

It!

Life!

I mean, what chance did we really have?

They used to fill girls' heads with all that rubbish about princesses and

wedding dresses, and then when you're still dazed, they'd chain you to a till

Woolworth's and say, there you are, that's your lot, girly.

They do abortions during the lunch break behind the pick and mix.

I mean, these boys could escape if they wanted to travel, liked aeroplanes and

wearing uniforms.

Yeah, but I didn't have the figure for an air hostess.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Well, we haven't done too badly.

Both got their own businesses.

Yes, just wish there was more work.

Oh, it'll pick up.

Do you want to hand me the rubbish?

No.

You can come round later and show me how to undo my safety belt.

Coffee, tea, or me?

Hello?

Yes, please, please.

Yes, my name's, um... Porter!

Yes. Very suspicious.

Well, when I looked at them, they drove off.

Yes, I did. It was, um...

They're coming right away.

Nothing there now.

Well, they drove off when I saw them.

What were they doing? They were acting suspiciously. How?

They were putting things in their car.

What things?

I couldn't see.

Then how do you know they're acting suspiciously? They look suspicious

How? Oh, don't keep saying how like that. It's like being interrogated by

Dynage.

Well, what did they look like? I couldn't see. It was dark.

So? You couldn't see what they looked like and you couldn't see what they were

doing. I didn't have to. I know what they were doing. They were burgling next

door. It was obvious.

How?

What else would they be doing at this time of night?

Lots of things. Such as what?

Well, drug dealing, prostitution, journalism.

They were loading things into their car.

Perhaps you gave them to them. She's on holiday, remember?

But we don't know that. Yes, we do.

No, we don't. Yes, we do. No, we don't. Yes, we do. We do, do, do, do. All

right, then.

that they might not be in there?

Mr and Mrs Grimes!

Are you in there?

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

If you can hear me in Switzerland, get on a plane and answer your door!

Now, that's what I call a dead parrot!

They might still be in there.

It doesn't mean that somebody hasn't got in there.

How?

you ranty.

There's no sign of any windows or the door being forced.

And why hasn't that gone off?

It's a fake.

What? Loads of people have them. They look like burglar alarms. They're just

empty boxes.

did we do that? I've got a key.

Sorry.

I panicked.

You've been smoking marijuana.

Why aren't you asleep?

Frank Zappa went without sleep for ten days once.

Yes, and he christened his child Moon Unit.

Great. Back to bed, waste disposal unit.

Oh, I want to see the word.

Well, Shina, talk's down your pyjamas. It amounts to the same thing.

Fancy going with Ninja Badger?

No, right.

Where's the police?

Well, I don't know. They said they were coming right away.

Well, they'll probably get loads of false alarms.

This was not a false alarm.

What, that one next door?

Well, even if they do come, what are they going to do?

Well, investigate something. I don't know.

You didn't see what they looked like.

There's no sign of false entry.

And anyway...

It's none of our business.

Well, that is just typical of everything that's wrong with this whole country.

We're all right, so we don't have to worry.

Oh, dear, we just stole your car and crashed it into a lamppost. Never mind,

it's your fault for having a fast car.

Oh, no, you've got to wait two years for an operation. You're in complete and

utter agony, 24 hours a day. Never mind, we have to pay less tax, so we're all

right. Phil. It's bloody faster again. It always...

People just used to say, I'm sorry, I've got a wrong number.

Now they leave you there like an idiot going, hello, hello, hello, hello,

Perhaps they were ringing hello.

I don't know what's happening to this country.

When we were kids, your mum and mine used to leave their doors unlocked all

time. No one would even think of coming in and taking anything.

We didn't have anything.

No stereos, no videos, no computer games, no microwaves.

We had lino round the edge of the room where the carpet didn't quite reach.

When people came round, we had to brush over the bare bits like Bobby Charlton.

We had televisions.

Yeah, but they were the size of a Morris Oxford and made of oak trees.

For an aerial, you had to stick out the window and wave about in the fog to pick

up Robin Hood.

Robin Hood.

He was 50 if he was a day.

The oldest Sherwood forest was two cardboard trees and a campfire.

Maid Marian never used to get to do any of the robbing. Neither did Will

Scarlet. Just ponced about with a lute.

I used to watch that every week.

So did I.

It was crap.

What time is it?

Ten to two.

Only ITV on now.

Everything we never want to watch ever again is going to be on telly. All the

time. Yes, it's called choice.

Why don't they ever repeat anything that's good?

Like what?

I don't know.

Like... Target with Patrick Muller. That was awful.

It was good.

It was just violence in flares. I liked it.

Thanks.

Why are we dressed like this?

Well, you said it... yourself. There's no sign of entry at the front, so they

must have got in at the back.

What? Come on. You can wear your kipper tie and platform shoes.

Where

are

you going?

I don't know.

You hold my torch while I go through.

Ben? Yeah? Ben!

What are you doing there?

I wedged it in a bush.

All right, hold the fence back while I go through.

Ow, I'm not through yet!

I'm out of the tree.

So I'll pick it up and follow you through.

OK.

You through?

Yeah.

Now my torch won't switch on. Oh, let me see.

If I've trampled Tracy Island, David will kill me.

Come on.

Well, that looks shut.

Oh, God.

What? I can't believe anyone still has roller blinds like that.

Right. Hold this torch while I look inside.

Right.

When did she put in a fish pond?

Ages ago.

Shine it over here.

I'll just...

Ex -life is certainly looking up.

Oh, for God, she does the costumes for Leonard's Operatic Society.

Well, why would they be tied up anyway? All the doors and windows are locked.

Were locked.

Well, there was no need for you to smash the door.

What was I supposed to do?

This won't lock.

Good, let's go home. We can't. Why?

Anybody could get in here now and take these things.

So what do you suggest?

Come on.

Right.

You realise what we've just done?

Oh, they'd do the same for us.

I'll bet they would.

Last time they went away, you had their dog put down.

Now we smashed into their conservatory and nicked their telly. No, we didn't.

Yes, we did.

No, we didn't. You smashed into their conservatory. Oh, thanks.

Well, you did.

Well, what are we going to do with all this stuff now we've got it? I don't...

We're going to take all this lot down the nick, get all this over and done

once and for all.

Tango Alpha 6, investigate Chepstow Road.

Reports of house alarm, noises in rear and suspects reported loading stolen

goods into car.

anybody says about the police, I thought they were really fair.

Yes, but it took four plates of my sausage rolls to oil the wheels of

and they still haven't found that car.

Well, give them a chance.

What about those phone calls?

What if it's them?

Who? Them!

Who? You know.

What if they're watching us?

Well, look, there's no sense in getting paranoid about it. Let's just go to bed

and forget all about it.

What is it? What is it?

Nothing. Are you sure?

Yeah.

Nothing there?

No. So what are you looking at then?

Nothing.

Really nothing?

Yeah.

Took the car.

Probably someone going home.

Right.

Gone to the end of the road?

Yes.

Indicating left.

Turning out of the road.

Gone.

Still gone.

You will.

I'll probably have a bad dream.

There's someone alien in the house.

Going through my things and my wallet.

Taking a car.

Well, that's going to happen anyway when David gets older. Don't call that a

particularly bad dream.

What do you call a bad dream?

Well... I come home.

in the house is the Duke of Edinburgh and he's being held at gunpoint by

terrorists and they seize me as well and the kids and they start slicing up

Prince Philip and sending bits of him off to the palace day by day except they

go on too long till eventually he's completely escaped by post so they turn

me try and get me to do terrible things to Jenny and David and I do and I start

to enjoy it and wear a balaclava and laugh.

And you come home and find me and shoot me with a harpoon gun and I die.

So go to sleep.

I don't think I'll go to sleep ever again after all that.

Nothing's going to happen.

They were just wrong numbers.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Don't answer it.

Answer it. They'll think nobody's here and they'll break in for sure.

All right.

Hello?

It's Rona.

Hello? Is everything all right over there?

I saw a police car.

That was ages ago.

I was occupied.

So was Norway during the war, but they still put up resistance.

bell's ringing.

I don't really know him that well.

What's been happening?

Well, I thought I saw two men putting a TV into a car.

There are such things as 24 -hour TV repairmen.

How do you know?

I just do.

Didn't you get the car's number?

Yes, but the police couldn't trace it and now we keep getting these phone

I suppose there's one thing you could try.

He sucks.

It's past three o 'clock and here we go again.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

You pig.

£1 ,248.

Will you take it in six?

All right, then.

Right. Let's see, then.

That's exactly... one lot of sex.

How come?

There's inflation.

I should hope there is, or we'd both be wasting our time.

Come on, then, Diamond Jim.

Any more sandwiches?

No. Pizza slices?

No. Cheesy things?

No.

I'll have these sausages.

Come on, Forrest, I'll split the profits out then.

You've got to replace that glass too, remember.

Right.

Paddy's got a mate that does windows.

Irish double glazing.

Irish double glazing? Yeah.

You buy him a double, he does the glazing.

I'll give him a bell later.

Do you know what I've never got over?

What?

That bloke shooting John Lennon.

I know.

It was tragic.

Tragic.

Why couldn't he have shot Yoko?

What?

Why couldn't he have shot Yoko?

That's a terrible thing to say.

It's what everybody thinks. I just said it.

It's not what everybody thinks. Yes, it is. He could have gone back to Cynthia,

made it up with Paul.

Don't be... Given up all that baking bread stuff and gone back to some

rock. That...

It's the most evil thing I've ever heard.

You agree with me, though, don't you?

No, I don't. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Yes, you do. No, I don't. Don't, don't,

don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

Do you realise this is the longest time we've had together since the kids were

born?

Yeah.

Remember that last night before Jenny was born?

We realised we'd never be alone like that again.

Ah, well, we will one day.

Nearly 6 .30.

What were we doing last night?

I don't know.

All seems so stupid in the light, doesn't it?

Seems stupid in the dark.

I don't know.

Fear's a terrible thing.

Now, just like none of those things ever happened, nothing left to show they

ever did.

Yeah.

Beautiful sunrise.

A whole new day.

Morning.

Cartoons are on in a moment.

Teas first.

They're still with her after the cartoons.

Now. Oh, God.

I knew it was too good to last.

Everything always is.

Fancy going upstairs and settling my debt.

Oh, I'd settle for a cuddle and an IOU.

Done.

Finished. Let's see.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Let's sleep.

Mum, can I have first bath this morning?

If you drown, do it quietly. We don't want to be disturbed.