Original subtitles

Why can't you have your off switch on the same side as the old one?

And why does it always stick?

I've had just about enough of you.

Hypocrite.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't want to go in there, do you?

I'm not surprised. It's been the death of many a vacuum cleaner.

But that's the way it is.

Stormy Norman had to go into Q8, and we have to go into David's bedroom.

All right.

Stay behind me.

Oh, God.

The Secret Diary of David Porter.

Do not read.

This story is true.

Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

This is where I live.

A seemingly normal family home in West London.

There are five of us here. My mother, the chief.

She's about 50.

Then there's Dad.

Tough, but tender.

And of course, the floozy of the unit, my sister.

David!

I'm the kid brother.

A tough job.

Somebody's got to do it.

Who would have thought to look at all these ordinary people that this family's

hotbed of deceit, treachery, and willful deception of others?

Don't believe me?

Let me illustrate.

It all started innocently enough.

One day, while I was doing some routine investigation... Oh,

my

God! What's that?

A lobotomy. Want one?

Where did you get it?

It's a sheep's brain.

Oh, going to replace yours with higher life form?

Least I only have one tongue in my mouth.

What do you mean?

Sammy's cousin saw you in the Odin last week with Ratface.

In Snuggie's Corner.

If you say anything... Oh, oh, I'm terrified.

Yeah, well, just keep your mouth shut.

Unlike you, eh?

Snuggie's Corner.

Shut up!

Where's Mum?

Out. Where is she?

Handling her advertising.

I see you put a card in the window.

Er, yes.

Hop it. This is my pitch.

Not much call for the Julie Andrews type, anyway.

No, you don't understand.

I cater for parties. Don't we all in this reception?

I'm waiting for a card.

No, it's my partner. She's picking me up.

There she is.

I quoted him 200 pounds for French, 150 for Greek, or 80 quid just for nibbles.

What was that?

A tart.

She thought we were tarts as well.

That's a compliment, really, isn't it?

Is it?

Well, if you thought we looked like if men would pay us for it.

Rona. Men would pay to have it off with Leon Britton if he told them they were

good at it.

Maybe if we get another job, I can finally change this thing.

Did he seem interested?

Not really.

I wouldn't have minded, but while I was pitching, he insisted on watching me

snickle to them.

Silly cow.

See you to... Rona?

man in your front room.

Who is he?

Nobody. Um, perhaps I will come in for a moment.

It's all right, he'll understand.

She's on that bloody phone again, I'll kill her.

Last number redial.

I'll get directory inquiries that I rang last night, won't I?

Hello, directory inquiries. What area, please?

I'm sorry, I was expecting somebody else.

That's all right.

Bye, Jason.

Bye, Mrs... Oh, hell!

Just only a quick call. You realise we're going to get itemised bills soon?

There's no privacy in this place.

It's like being in the royal family.

Well, don't throw yourself down the stairs. It only encourages the sun.

Make me feel at home, don't you?

Nice try, though.

Be your nature.

Rona?

Yes, right.

You look as if you've seen a ghost.

Perhaps I have.

Who was that?

I don't really want to talk about it.

Coffee or tea? Adam.

What? Sorry?

You said Adam.

I said coffee.

No, no, you said Adam.

Shall we just forget about Adam for a moment? You started it. Your men are

of my business.

He is not one of my men.

Well, what is he then?

Nobody. All right.

Mind if I have a brother?

What did you say?

I only want one.

You've got a brother?

Is he a sex maniac as well? What have you been doing with my knife?

Sorry, get a go.

I still have to wonder if that boy's got a brain.

You never told me you had a brother.

No, I didn't.

You two had an argument.

You could say that.

Why don't you go over and see him?

Difficult. Why?

I haven't been in for a while.

A while?

Eleven years.

That's more than a while, really, isn't it?

I think a while is officially under three years. Three to six years is ages,

seven is officially one yonk.

Don't say hello.

It's my problem, OK?

Can we just leave it?

Rona, it's family.

Sometimes we just have to put our feelings aside.

Thought it. Never does that in the films.

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

All right.

Bye.

Stupid, silly old bat.

Who? The bell again. Come on.

What's going on? Nothing.

I'll never get to know anything around here. Let's just...

Can you see anything?

No.

Come on.

God knows why they always call me.

This must be the place.

She's getting worse.

Well, at least unblock the letterbox.

All right, then. But no tricks.

Say, Arden.

It's me.

See? Is she all right?

Can't see.

It's dark.

What about the other one?

You'll have to look through.

Oh. Smile.

How will she know?

Just a thought.

You wish you'd gone back to your brother now.

No.

What is it with you and him?

You don't know him.

He looked all right. Oh, yes, he looked all right.

But appearances can be deceptive.

Later that day, my father returned with his assistant, the Christine woman.

He had a secret of his own.

Here we are, then.

If I have to bend any more pipes, I'll have arms like bleeding Popeye.

Some people pay thousands of pounds to join our club to build up their muscles.

And some people are dick brains then. Yeah.

That's it for today.

Oh, right.

I'll go home, shall I? Right.

It's a long way.

Yeah.

Well, don't offer me a cup of tea or I might keel over and start biting the

pile. I'm sorry, I've got things to do, you understand?

Oh, yeah, I understand. I've got things I want to do as well. Good.

Only instead of doing them, I'm going to be wedged on a number 22 with 15 ,000

football supporters.

Gobbing on me Reeboks.

See you then.

Are you going to collect me on Monday or shall I take the easy way and book up a

trip with Saran and bloody fines?

Whatever.

Dad, is that you?

Hi, Dad.

What is this?

Nothing. Just an experiment.

Oh, yes.

Like the washing machine and gerbil incident.

That was bad luck.

Don't worry, I'll get rid of it.

What's that?

What?

Oh, great, Ninja Badger 2.

Hold that.

I didn't know it'd come out. It's a day. Do you want to play it now?

Thanks. Well, I'll set it up for you, shall I? I can do it. Well, I'll show

how to play it then.

I know.

Let me have it.

I thought it was for me.

It is.

I just want to look at something on the box.

Look into my eyes and say that.

I just want to look at something on the box.

It's the truth.

Nuts.

Is Rona here? I don't think so.

I thought I'd come in. No, I think they went out again. Sorry, I'm a brother.

Oh.

Hi. Ben Porter.

Adam. Pleased to meet you.

Do you want to come in and wait?

Oh, thanks.

Back at the stakeout, my mother -in -law had summoned assistance.

She later admitted it was a big mistake.

Hello. I'm Mo.

Social services.

Lovely. And what's your name?

Bill. And Rona.

Lovely.

And which one of you is the carer?

I am the niece.

Lovely. And I believe we have one distressed and or disorientated elderly

person. No.

No? We have one stupid old woman who won't open her door.

Have you attempted to gain access to the premises?

We just thought we'd spend our holidays in this corridor. Is it so lovely here?

She won't open the door.

Well, fortunately, we do have training in extensive role -playing persuasion

techniques, which can be very useful in these cases.

What do you want?

Hello. I'm Moe from Social Services.

I wanted to discuss with you the concern...

help me by opening your door just a little teeny bit?

Bugger off!

Do you know what I've just found in my pocket?

I drank something!

It's a tape. It's called Sing Along With Max by Mr Max Bygraves.

Sometimes when I visit my elderly persons, I put it on and we all sing

with the songs from the old days to cheer us up a bit.

back to the office now.

Can't you send someone to force the door? She's got no food in there.

Unhappily, that does not come within the remit of social services.

I might be able to get Scott to drop by if I pull a few strings.

Yes, but where would he park Thunderbird One?

He's our crisis counsellor. Would he be any help?

Not really. He's had a nervous breakdown.

You must be able to do something.

I'm afraid in a case like this, my hands are tied.

though they should be, to a stake.

Any more ideas?

Let's see if I can see her.

to get off with their sister's boyfriend while she's out.

Well, you haven't got a sister.

I was the sister.

Oh. You mean he's, um... Yeah.

Never thought at the time.

Seemed to get on well.

Went out together and everything.

Well, surely you must have noticed about him before.

Oh, yes, but he hadn't been interested in any of the others.

He's a chubby chaser.

A what?

He's only turned on by men of a certain size.

I don't know, but it's getting on very well with Dad.

How long have you been in the company?

Just a few days. I move around quite a bit.

What do you do exactly?

I'm Lord Lucan.

No, I sell office equipment.

Oh, travelling salesman, eh? Yeah. Is it true what they say?

What? Well, you know, they never miss an opportunity.

Well, I never was one to resist temptation.

Lucky sod.

Sure, then, woman?

Er, no, thanks.

How's Rona been?

You heard about her second wedding?

Yeah, heard she did a runner again.

Ah.

And of course, the photographer was waiting outside for him to come out.

You've got to see this.

I saw her coming out the church door.

Saw her running down a path, bit blurred.

I saw her running out the gate.

Oh, she's gone now.

What's up?

She never did have much luck with her love life.

No.

If I found a man I really liked, I'd want to hang on to him.

Yeah, so would I.

What's the matter?

Look.

I don't know what's gone on between you and Rona in the past, but surely that is

in the past, isn't it?

Is it getting hot in here?

Meanwhile, the chief was making one last call in an attempt to bring to an end

the whole sorry caboodle.

Hello? I don't want double glazing.

those people.

One word and they send men round to go all over your house.

I don't want my private parts measuring for patio doors.

Mum, it's Aunt Belle.

It's raining up here. Is it raining down there?

She wants to see you.

Well, she knows where I am.

Look, Mum, I can't go on lying to her. She wants you to visit.

Well, I wanted her to come to your father's funeral.

I know.

Well, she knows where I am.

Look, Mum, I can't go on covering up for this thing any longer.

I tell her you send your love, I tell her you're busy, but I'm not going to

cover up for this anymore.

Is that clear?

Quite clear.

Well, she knows where I am.

Bye, Mum.

Maybe I'd better get back and see Adam.

Oh, is she coming?

Um, she, uh... She sent her love.

But she's busy.

Oh, Bill?

Oh, come on, let's go home.

I'm back!

We're in the bedroom!

Shall I put some food on or is somebody eating the kitchen?

have it back. It's mine.

Give it to me. No, go away.

He won't let me play Ninja Badger. Oh, you haven't gone and bought another of

those things, have you?

Did anyone ring about the catering? Yeah.

The bloke said he decided to hire McDonald's instead.

I hope he gets a hernia trying to suck up the milkshakes.

At least Rona's making it up with her brother.

He's a nice bloke. He came over.

What? Yeah, we've got them really well.

We're going out together tomorrow.

Oh, Ben, are you going to wait up for me? Or shall I slip on my electronic

Where are you going?

I'm only meeting Jason at the Odeon.

What's on? Beauty and the Beast.

How did man ever get to the top of the food chain?

Practice. Have a nice time.

And don't sit in Snugger's corner.

How do you know about that?

David told me.

I didn't.

Here, have a hot dog and dream on.

Oh, God, on the durst day of the 90s.

And whatever it was you sneak back from the butcher's, they'd better be gone

when I check.

Yes, Mum.

Um, Finn.

What? Uh, there's something you ought to know about Rona's brother.

Oh, you mean that he's, uh, yeah, he told me.

Oh, well, I thought you might be worried that... Nah, anyway, told me only

ghosts are fat blokes.

What's bugging you?

Oh, it's Aunt Belle.

I think she's found out about Mum.

Well, you never were very good at lying.

That's great, coming from you. Everybody knows when you're lying.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

Well, go on.

Try it.

Right.

True or false?

If I can't play ninja badger tonight, I thought of something better to do.

True. No, I was lying.

You'd better not have been.

No, I'm on a super saver, so come on, let's get it over and done with.

Right.

Nice to see you, Bette.

He's getting better at that, isn't he?

What's going on?

Nothing.

Miss Jim's funeral.

Oh, that's all right. It was a long way to come, anyway.

It was years ago. It's all forgotten about.

How are you?

Not so bad.

Um, can we come in?

Looks a bit dark.

Let's see what we can do.

Tell us what happened that evening.

But one thing is sure. You can't keep secrets for long in a joint like this.

That's why I keep my secret in a special locker in my room.

Together with this diary.