Original subtitles

Mr and Mrs Porter.

Yes.

We think your son has contracted tetanus.

Probably from the cut on his hand.

Well, he'll be all right.

Won't he?

We're doing everything we can.

I want to see him.

It's better if you just wait here.

What's up?

The usual.

Brooke.

Bill, we have to let them do their job.

Beth, we may need extra beds. Football trouble.

I haven't used mine since Thursday.

You mean all this is for football supporters?

If it's Saturday, it must be stitches.

We're doing everything we can for you, son.

As soon as we're able, we'll call you. I promise.

Try not to worry.

Is anyone checked off?

Bride or groom?

Bride.

What sort of thing's going to happen to you?

It's like... It's the sort of thing that happens to other people.

Stupid, careless people who don't look after their children properly.

Who wear shell suits and send them out to play on level crossings.

And then appear on the news looking all rumpled and confused and say they

thought everything was alright.

But it isn't.

It's us.

We are those stupid, careless people.

All of us.

It only takes one mistake.

It's nobody's fault.

It is.

No, it isn't.

It's my fault.

I should have listened to him when he said he felt ill.

It's all my fault. No, it's me.

I was supposed to check on him. I was more worried about a stupid spot on my

face.

It's all my fault.

It's not my fault.

It's just one of those things that happens.

No, it's not your fault.

No.

You took him to have his tetanus booster.

Yes, you're right. It's all my fault.

Don't blame yourself.

You know I can't stand the sight of needles. I tried to make another

appointment. They didn't have one right away.

It's not your fault, Deb.

Thanks, Jen.

It's all... No, he's right.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It's just happened.

There's no point trying to blame anybody.

It's bloody Thatcher.

No, no, Ben.

It's her, it is.

Why didn't the ambulance come quicker?

She's messed everything up. All the hospitals and the schools and the...

anything she hasn't interfered in. I'm surprised you didn't go around people's

houses in the middle of the night.

Hello. I've come to rearrange your furniture.

I'm afraid it's far too comfortable the way it is. Let me nail your chairs to

the ceiling.

They'll be far more efficient.

and ideas and think tanks.

Flipper could think better in a tank than they could. And he's better looking

than Kenneth Baker.

Bill. No, I'm sorry, but I'm ashamed that a woman could stand in the way of

sick and the suffering getting the proper treatment.

Bill.

A bit.

Why aren't they telling us anything?

Because they're busy.

Yes.

All right, mate. Nice one.

Calm down.

I am calm.

I'm delighted that such a bunch of morons can't enjoy a simple spectator

without the desire to park company with parts of their bodies for fun and

amusement.

Our son's in there. Yes, but it's such fun here. I think I'll come back.

Next time I watch sport on the TV, I think I'll stick my hand in the

It'll aid my enjoyment no end.

Easy, lady.

Yeah, well, it's people like you who waste the resort. Stop it!

Just stop it, please.

David's in there and all you can do is have arguments.

I'm sorry.

Do you think I'll be all right?

I don't know.

What's the score?

I'll go and see if I can find it.

I haven't even got a pocket in this thing for a hanky.

Here.

God, this is a nightmare.

And I haven't even got to be a bridesmaid.

Oh, there'll be other times.

Well,

I might even marry your father one day.

Hello.

Are you all right?

Where am I?

Accident and emergency.

Oh, yes.

What time is it?

Twenty past three.

Three? Yes.

Oh, last time I remember, it was ten to two.

I should be in the theatre.

Oh, no.

Shall I get a nurse?

No, no, no.

I'll get there.

Next time, I'm going to sleep in the mortuary. It's quieter.

No joy over there.

Computer's gone down.

Ah! What's happening?

What? We gave you some of the tests.

Results were conflicting.

So we decided to give him antibiotics and breathing aid.

That's all we could do, really. The rest would be up to his immune system.

Well, where is he?

What?

I really am so very sorry.

I'm afraid we lost him.

Oh, no, not that I'm in. We literally lost him.

The computer's gone down.

He's in the hospital somewhere.

It's not the same without a conductor, is it?

Stuck a photo of Madonna onto my bus pass to see if they'd crack on. Oh.

Just ran down the window, shouted bollocks to a Montego.

Oh.

Where were you off to then?

A wedding.

I did wonder.

What's his name?

I don't know.

His name?

Gordon.

What's he do?

He's an entertainer.

Like Bruce Forsythe?

Yeah,

something like that.

He should be careful with his tools.

I have fears they could cause someone an injury.

Yeah.

I hope you've had sex.

Pardon? As you're intended.

It's never quite the same after you've married.

Oh, yes.

It's like working in a jam factory.

When it's all around you, you don't really feel like poking your finger in.

And they get fatter.

And more docile.

And sleep a lot.

Or is that cats when they've been done?

Anyway, what's it matter?

You're in love?

Yes. Of course you are.

Otherwise you'd be like the girlfriend of the whirling dervish.

Don't you remember?

Yes.

Vaguely. No, of course not. You're too young.

How's it going now?

It's all right. Don't worry.

Sometimes it just pops into my head.

Anyway, I'm sure it'll go well.

Thank you.

Here.

Take this.

No, no, I couldn't. No, not too much.

Oh, stop.

She's the girlfriend of the whirling dervish.

She's the sweetest one.

But every night in the mellow moonlight, when he's out dervishing with all his

might, she gives him the runaround.

File name.

Access.

A and D.

Transferral.

It should do it.

Well, it obviously doesn't. I'll have to call the engineer.

If you'll come out of a weekend.

I'm sorry.

Beth, will you ring round the wards? Don't worry, we will track him down.

You can't leave.

I can't believe this is happening.

You couldn't wait to come out and torment me.

The midwife had to come round on her bike.

Bike? Yeah, we had those then.

She was a fierce old bird.

I wonder what happened to her.

I think she became Charles Bronson.

Is that there at the birth?

It wasn't allowed.

We were sent off to boil up loads of water.

Why? I don't know. Maybe she fancied custard afterwards.

hours I tried not to push.

And then suddenly, there you were.

And I've been pushing ever since.

Not all the time.

Then when David came along, it was all different.

Into the hospital, onto the bench, do the necessary and move on.

It was like being a Sierra at Dagenham Works.

Pity they didn't have a video.

Oh, God, no. You could run it backwards.

Bad enough coming out.

The age of progress?

You can't stop it.

No. I think we've traced him.

Children's D16.

What did that last sign say?

Er... Haematopathy.

Haematopathy. There's no such thing.

Haemotherapy.

Haemotherapy. It wasn't that. We passed that ages ago.

Have we been down here? No, we haven't.

entomology that's in the natural history museum

Change of plan.

Explain later.

What happened?

I need a man.

Quick. What?

To give me away.

Anyone will do.

Oh, it's my kid, it's in the mud, the ground.

He dreams of a new honeymoon.

He doesn't dream that.

Every night when he goes out to make another spoofy. He steps out to make a

of boopies.

Sorry. Oh.

Bum in the jockstrap.

Left at cardiology, left at pathology, past geriatrics. They don't look very

old. Well, perhaps they start them young these days, I don't know.

Should be just through here.

happen to know the weight of Ward D -16?

Thanks. Come on.

How long is he going to be like this?

It's hard to say.

Normally, it's rapid once we give them the drugs.

But, um, well, it's a virus from individual to individual.

I see.

Some are tougher than others.

Oh, he's tough.

I'm sure he is.

Why don't you go home, Jen?

No.

I think I'll wait here until... until I've changed my mind.

Could be a long wait.

I know.

We're both here, you know.

And Jenny, too.

When you're ready, we'll all take you home again.

I know.

I just wish he could.

Remember his third birthday?

Yeah.

He was a right little bastard.

I knew we were in for trouble when Kate Adie turned up.

And the primary school Christmas play.

Waved his woolly at the Virgin Mary.

collected from school, covered in a sheet.

This is Jason. He came to be with me.

That's nice, isn't it?

Come on, let's find the copy machine.

Well... From Edie and Ted.

Toaster.

From Pauline and Keith.

Toaster.

From Tom.

Not a toaster.

Thank you. Thank

your

lucky stars.

And now a wish.

Hi. I was wondering whether I could go too.

Do you still have your Harley -Davidson?

Yes.

Can I ride on it?

Wouldn't you rather go home to your mum and dad?

They don't want me.

No?

I can hear everything they say.

They don't like me.

Well, what about your sister?

She hates me too.

Are you sure?

I'm fed up with families.

They're boring.

It's up to you, you know.

I know.

Well then, which is it going to be?

You know, I think we might have misjudged that boy.

Have we?

He obviously thinks a lot of her.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll have to put a stop to that.

Well, you know what boys are like.

Well, they're only holding hands.

Number one.

What?

Don't you remember when we were at school?

Number one, holding hands. Number two, hugging. Number three, kissing.

You go in the next day and your mates are saying, what number did you go up to

last night?

You go, number six.

Number six?

Well, you'd always had a couple on, you know, like VAT.

How much did he go up to? Number ten.

Terrible. It's only a bit of fun.

It isn't when you're the one carrying number 11 for nine months.

You have it easy.

How? Well, you don't have to look after a family and have a career and please

your partner.

I do that every day.

It's easier for you.

Men have all the advantages.

Name one.

Specifically.

Well... Your skirt doesn't blow up when it's windy for a skirt.

Yes, it does.

And you can go to the toilet standing up.

What use is that?

Pray you never find out.

Well, at least bits of you don't shrivel up when it's cold and dangle about all

over the place.

Never know where they're going to be next time you check.

What do you mean, next time you check?

Nothing.

Well, name me one disadvantage you have.

We can't talk about things.

What things?

You know, feelings, stuff like that.

Why not?

We don't do that.

Perhaps you should number them. That seems to work well for you.

What is it?

David asked me something today.

I couldn't talk about it.

Now it's too late.

We should get back. No, you have a rest. I'll do a stick. No. I want to.

It's me.

I know you can't hear me, but there's something I want to tell you.

This morning in the car, you asked me what love is.

And I said I'd get back to you on it.

And what it is...

That's why we want you back.

I love you.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Thank you.