Original subtitles

You won't see my pincushion. Try under the cheese drawer.

Oh, no. Get that, somebody.

I can't. I'm being hanged. It's the flowers.

Bang! Oh, I'll do it.

I'd better run my eye over. Half of them don't know the difference between a

begonia and a bungalow.

I can count Bernie.

Oh, God.

Eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirty.

greens in a buttonhole. Is that the latest fashion?

Fourteen, fifteen... Oh, we'll check in the shop.

Oh, bye.

Helen Keller.

Yes, sir. Cash or delivery?

Delivery being the key word, I think you'll find.

What? Can you hold these? Thanks.

I was a war bride.

I had to root among a bomb site to find my tutor when Berkatex was hit by a

doodle bug. And they had fresher things growing in the rubble than you've got

here. Back then it was goring. What's your excuse?

They're out of season at the moment.

Don't give me that.

If the Japanese can make daisies that dance to disco music, you can rustle up

half a dozen carnations that'll just stand there.

I'm taking five pounds off for dropsy.

Thank you.

Yes, these two have defrosted now.

We're going to decide about my underwear.

I blame those warehouse raves. By 25, they've dropped more acid than a

mistress with DTs.

And that's most of them, by all accounts. Good morning.

Ben, this is Rona's Auntie Pearl.

Oh, hello.

Hmm.

I was picturing you on my sideboard in the photograph.

Ah. Only there's a limited space.

Still, it's kind of you to give her away.

I knew Sheila wouldn't let Uncle Peter out in the end.

She only turns up if there's something in it for her.

They say she had a private hysterectomy just to get the air miles.

Can I borrow the little steps?

Yes, sure. Short man, is he?

I'll see.

Here you are.

Well, what do you think?

I've got to go home and wind my bobbins yet.

When does she have to be back?

Where? Last of the summer wine.

She's the nearest thing to her mother, Rona's got left.

Oh, no.

You've reminded Christine when to come? Yeah.

Much drier and they could pass these off as a pound of PG tips.

I'll take them back to my place and have a go.

Though, frankly, a day trip to Lourdes is what's required.

Mum, I'm hungry. I'm sorry, there isn't anything.

Right, there you are.

Right, I'll be off then.

She's doing her own hair.

I tried to make her go to my Marie. To my mind, his touch with the bouffant far

outweighs the noise of his mules on the tiling. But that's gay liberation for

you.

later. Mum,

I need someone to help with my hair.

I've just got to get the other gato out of the fridge. Bring the hot brush down

here. Okay.

Where are you going?

Out to the car. I have to clean out the inside.

Nothing. I suppose you think I haven't noticed this.

You were going to stuff it, weren't you?

The badger will look better.

This badger wouldn't look better if you sat it up in bed and put mascara on it.

Throw it away at once.

Put some antiseptic on it as soon as you've finished.

Oh, I'll have to do all these again.

Mum, look.

It had to happen today.

What? I spot her chin.

Can I pop it? No.

You don't care if it wasn't a stupid wedding. You're always spotty.

David, go and put a platter on that cut.

Yeah, the big one under your nose.

I'll go to the bathroom and try and spot... David! In the spot cupboard near

spot.

I'm going to go into that church looking like a sultana pudding.

Better than a spotted dick, mother.

Turn round.

Never mind, I'll put some powder on it.

It's a real shame, isn't it?

What? Well, that Rona's parents aren't around anymore to see this.

Don't tell David, he'll want to stuff them.

God, you're as thick as he is. Oh, leave him alone, what harm can he do?

Can I come in? Sure.

We're not wanted in there just now.

It's only a wedding.

To us, it's only a wedding.

To them, it's important.

Why?

Because they like to remember it.

Oh, I hate weddings.

If one's in a bad mood and running around.

You know, just worried in case something goes wrong.

Leave the panicking to them.

It's up to us to provide the maturity.

Swag them, Will.

I still don't like weddings.

I'm just going to have one.

Do you know, in Las Vegas, they have drive -through weddings.

You go in one end and drive out married.

Like a car wash?

Yeah.

You can get married underwater, too.

Even in a diving suit.

Boy, it's fancy, isn't it?

I still don't want to go.

Don't you want Rona to be happy?

Yeah.

That's why we're going.

Why didn't Rona marry any of the other blokes?

That was sex.

This is love.

That's what she thought.

You remember that magazine I showed you?

Oh, yeah.

That was sex.

So what's wrong?

I'll have to get back to you on that one.

Nice, Rona decided to wear the same dress, isn't it? Well, it's not really a

second wedding.

Just the first one with an interval.

How many are coming from the family?

Oh, only me.

Bob's sister, Becky, was coming, but she cried off at the last minute. She's

just as well. Her teeth are wired together for a special diet.

When she tries to sing hymns, she sounds like Mr. Punch.

I thought Rona had had over 50 acceptances.

Oh, I see.

Well... This is me.

All right.

Walk down here and back again.

What?

Well, I don't now.

What is it? Shoes?

A shirt? A suit?

Socks? Carry on.

You said you liked this tie.

No, I didn't.

Well, Jen likes it, don't you?

I think the fashion police might give you ten years.

I'll change it.

No trouble.

in a minute.

Come in.

Mum, where's my flowers?

Oh, they're in the kitchen. I'll leave them in water for the last minute if I

were you. Give them one of these.

What is it?

Angina tablets.

I get them for chest pains and cut daffodils.

Well, thank Rona for the loan of the car. I'll return it tomorrow.

See you in church.

Oh, I hope we don't get that young priest who does isometrics.

They say he clenches his buttocks. You're in the response room.

OK.

Now, it's all to go into the van, everything's labelled, and Ben will

to the hall. What about the money?

Er, 20, all right?

I'm missing Dave Lee Travis.

Don't expect he's missing you.

Mum, I don't feel too well. Can't I stay at home?

No! I think I've got malaria.

start getting ready and do something about those nails or change your name to

Edward Scissorhands.

Yes. And tell your father Laughingwater's here.

I heard that.

Oh, dear.

We've got to take all this.

Yes, please.

Remember not to sit down in that dress.

I will.

Well, just in case.

Now, what have I forgotten?

I know there's something.

Just calm down. You're doing fine.

I've got a very...

feeling about today?

We've been through all this.

Something's going to happen, I know.

I've dropped a case.

There you are.

That was it. She dropped her case. Nothing serious.

I suppose so.

You all right now?

Yeah. Then why don't you go and see Dorona and I'll come back and wait for

both. All right.

Are you going to help me on what?

What?

Rafferotti, if I'd want to be a sodding weightlifter, I'd buy a leotard and eat

bull's testicles.

What are you doing?

Wedding video.

What? Say something funny.

All right. I'm only getting 20 quid for this.

That's not funny.

You're telling me.

Will you turn that bloody thing off?

No. I mean, I'm going to cock you one right in the... batteries in a minute.

Steven Spielberg started like this, you know. Oh, was he a tosser as well then?

pixie dust. How do you think?

I was changing the bulb to check my veil and I tripped on his bloody dreads.

Can't you get down?

Now, why didn't I think of that?

Sorry.

I'm hooked up behind a car. What?

You look like an ornament in the window of a Ford Cortina.

Thank you very much, Miss Head -Through -A -Cat.

out again. You got in?

I know I got in.

Well, push against the door.

What do you think I'm doing? Jane Fonda stick your head through a cat flat

workout?

swing backwards and forwards.

I'm not Johnny Weissmuller.

Anyway, the wire might shorten its life.

What if you try and flip through the middle of your dress?

On a wire? Well, Houdini did it in a straight jacket.

He was a contortionist. And don't say it.

Then go back to the door and start again.

Oh, no.

I want to change the close -up.

Oh, come on.

It won't be a sec. Don't move.

on your wedding video?

He wouldn't do that.

Well, even if he did, I want to get to the wedding this time.

What are we going to do now?

We got ourselves into this. We're perfectly capable of getting ourselves

again. We're not a couple of bubble -headed bimbos.

I don't look like Mastermind at the moment.

Concentrate.

Think logically.

Are they all right?

Yeah, they're having the time of their lives.

Do you know Charles Manson was nearly one of the monkeys?

Which one?

He auditioned for the Davy Jones part.

It's true.

You mean Charles Manson might have done a little bit me, a little bit you?

I suppose he still did in a way.

I used to quite like him when I was at school.

Charles Manson?

Davy Jones.

Had a picture of him in my death lid.

Sister Virtue wouldn't let us have pictures at school.

Except for saints.

What do saints do exactly, apart from marching in?

You look after things.

One looks after travellers, one looks after fishermen, one looks after

Sort of like heavenly trade union leaders.

I had a picture of St Jude.

What did he do?

I don't know, but he was quite hunky.

I remember... What the hell are we doing? We're just wasting time talking

complete rubbish.

Sorry, it just came into my head.

We've got to think properly this time.

Yes.

Thought of something?

Yeah. You remember the wizard of Oz?

Yeah. Miss Gulch wants to take Toto away.

Yeah.

Well, in the end, how did they stop her? They never tell us.

I thought a house fell on her.

No, that was the witch.

She was the witch. No, the other witch, and she melted.

Well, there you are then. No, she wasn't anyway. She wasn't the witch.

We're doing it again!

You started it. Never mind who started it. We've got to think of something

useful.

Well, seeing as you're here, I was going to ask if you had any tips.

Tips? About being married.

I mean...

You've made a good go of it with Ben.

So what's the secret?

Patience, tolerance, and mind -numbing hallucinogenic drugs.

Come on, you must have a few things for when the glow starts to wear off.

Yes, well, never speak to them first thing in the morning.

Why?

Testosterone. They're pumped full of it when they wake up. It lies about their

body in lumps.

Lumps? Exactly.

Say hello, darling, and you get, what's that supposed to mean?

What about arguments?

Oh, have them.

But remember, it doesn't matter who wins.

Why not?

That's not what they're for. They're for relieving the tension.

Saying that to our baseball bat.

One more thing. How do you bring up children?

I don't know.

Neither does anybody.

Very clever.

You'd better be getting ready

hurt you.

It's easy for you to say.

Just do it.

Is it life?

No. You sure?

Yes.

Pretty sure.

What do you mean, pretty sure?

The switch is off, isn't it?

Yes, I think so.

Well, there's no power in the wire then.

We don't know that.

Yes, we do. How do we know it's not hanging about up there just waiting to

down? Even if it was, it wouldn't go into you unless you were in contact with

the ground.

Well, I will be shortly afterwards.

electric cables. It doesn't hurt them.

They eat cockroaches. It doesn't hurt them, but I'm not doing it.

I'm going to get electrocuted and fall to the floor and break my neck. I'm not

putting my fingers on it. You put your fingers on it.

Well, tell him he'd better get weaving, then.

Who is it?

Hello. Um, can you come round the back?

All right. Well, it could be anybody.

Who cares who it is? We're not in any position to choose.

Whoever it is, he can let us out.

He's coming. Good.

I'm sending things on behalf of ex -servicemen such as myself.

I have Hagreen, T -cloths, and, of course, our latest catalogue.

Does it show?

What, that spot?

Oh, God.

I didn't mean it. You look great.

Thanks, Ben.

Won't be long now, will it?

Till what?

Whoa, quite long, isn't it?

Where are they? They should be here by now. Calm down.

What can possibly have happened to them over there?

There you are.

All ready, then. Where's Rona?

Well, Rona looks fabulous.

Kind of a bit fine, aren't we? Yeah, well, we had to do Rona's hair.

Oh. And we were a bit pressed for time as Rona was... caught up on a light

fitting and I had my head stuck through the cat flap.

What?

Fortunately, a man who'd lost both his arms came to the door selling catalogues

and hand cream.

I don't follow.

It's very simple. I pushed a catalogue under the door, knocked the key onto it,

flipped it under the door, unlocked it, greased my ears with the hand cream,

slipped out and put the steps back under Rona. David!

Again.

You didn't have a go there. Did we?

He's burning up.

David, I've had enough of this!

I'm going to phone for the ambulance.

God!

Still nothing.

Where the hell are they?

Ben, you'd better take him in the car.

But what about... You can't afford to wait.

Well, he's going to give you away.

I'll give myself away. I'm used to it.

Go on.

Rover, are you sure?

I'm sure.

Shall I drive?

Don't worry.

I'll get a cab.

I'm in a jockstrap.

Sorry, mate. You okay?

Mrs. Porter.

Yes.

We think your son has contracted tetanus.

Probably from the cuts on his hand.

Well, you'll be all right.

Won't he?