Original subtitles

I only want to borrow it. It's not really yours anyway.

Oh, let her have it for today.

All right.

I only found it in a graveyard.

I don't expect there's a curse on it on anyone who wears it.

Here's today's list.

Thank God, not the cooking again.

Well, I won't be back till nearly seven. You did offer.

Yeah, like Joan of Arc offered to help with the heating.

How much the money to get a burger? No, I'm not paying a fortune for

disgusting... food when we can have it at home.

In any case, I'll be changing the bed sheets.

Oh, they'll go for weeks yet. Yes, but we like to put them in the washing

machine while they still fold up.

And while you're about it, do something about those comics, or I'll order a

carpet with Judge's bread woven into it.

What's that mean?

I don't know. It's pink and it's flat.

Oh. Would you rather have school dinner?

Thursday is foley pie.

David!

and semolina.

They picked their noses and wiped it on the pastry.

Sammy saw them.

That's what leads to Deborah.

She's red, green, colorblind.

It's coming to get you. David, stop it. That's enough.

Now, when I get back, I want this place to look like somebody else's house.

Say goodbye, David. Goodbye, David.

I think I'll leave this behind.

It doesn't quite go.

No, Steve, no!

Nothing again.

196 pieces of kiwi fruit, and every one to be twisted into a little shape. What

is Pacific paradise, anyway?

Coalslaw with a bit of kiwi fruit on top.

Oh, I don't think I can stand much more of this.

Tahiti delight.

Coalslaw with coconut on top.

Salad Parisienne.

Coalslaw with the snails left in the cabin.

And I become the world's first coalslaw murderer.

Catering manager, found covered in carrots and mayonnaise.

Something just snapped, said salad murderer and mother of two.

Oh, come on, Bill.

You might still get that interview.

There's still been no reply.

Well, you've had the experience. After all, you did the books at the bakery for

years, didn't you?

No, it's coleslaw for me for the rest of my life.

Actually, leaving the coleslaw aside, like most of our passengers, I've got a

problem with Gordon.

You still think Gordon?

Is it getting serious?

Maybe, I don't know.

You've kept this very quiet.

Well, I can see now why I nearly married him.

Quite a sweet, gentle man.

Shy.

Rona, every evening he steps out in front of 400 women dressed as the Lone

Ranger and strips everything off.

No, but he keeps his mask on.

And he's cute.

So what's the problem?

He won't give me that look.

What look?

Well, he knows I never got married after we split up, so he's got the idea.

You know.

No.

Well, he thinks I'm still... a virgin.

That's it, that's the look.

Well, surely you had sex with him before the wedding.

Oh, we tried, but you know what it was like in those days.

One snap of suspender elastic and your mother was in like a shot with a hauler.

We nearly managed it once in his car, but it was reliant.

So... it fell over.

idea?

I suppose I gave it to him.

I told him there hadn't been any proper relationships since him. And there

haven't. Just a lot of improper ones.

You're not falling in love with him, are you? No.

I don't know.

I just want to keep him for longer than a few nights.

Well, Rona, you can't let this go on.

When are you next seeing him?

Tonight. He's taking me to Brief Encounter.

Brief Encounter?

I know. You may as well get the staff to break in for the lady is a tramp as

soon as you walk in.

You've got to tell him. I don't want to lose him, Bill.

I'm not giving up while there's a ghost of a chance.

What is it?

Have you ever been in your house, doing what you usually do, and you know

someone's watching everything?

God, you're right.

What if Jerry and his brother Mike are there tonight?

God, I'm knackered.

Three boilers to strip down, one after the other. Christine moaning every time

send her for part.

And then just as we're about to leave the last one, he says, I don't spend you

to have a look at my bathroom.

Radiator.

Why did I ever take this bloody job on?

Oh, it's nights again tomorrow.

And I'm already completely exhausted.

Oh!

Oh!

Not as exhausted as I am.

Make us a cup of tea, will you? Maybe later.

I just toovered that feet.

Sorry.

Somebody's got mud on their shoes.

Oh, I didn't notice.

Take them off.

It's fish fingers for tea, by the way. Oh, not fish fingers again.

Well, if you want to eat gourmet meals, you know where the saucepans are.

In a kitchen welded to each of my hands.

Oh, Dad, I just tidied those.

Well, I'll put them back.

And I haven't read that one yet.

Bad boy.

Oh, goody two shoes.

There's some apple pie left.

Well, I fancy something nice.

Well, there's plenty of fruit in the bowl.

There'll have to be rice pudding.

Oh, not rice pudding!

Russians would be grateful for rice pudding.

There's trifle mix in the cupboard.

I haven't got time to make that up. You did offer to help.

Yes, I offered to help.

But you're still telling me what to do.

It's all the responsibility, but none of the power.

But you wouldn't want it. How do you know?

All right, have it.

What? For tonight. You and David can run the house if you think it's so easy.

You can be the parent, see what it feels like.

All right?

Well, I've done it. No, I want them to see what it's like.

When you've had enough, we'll stop.

You mean it?

Yes. We'll just do what you usually do.

I haven't read that yet.

And you can do what we usually do.

Agreed?

Yep. You'll need this then.

What?

Math homework.

The questions are inside math. And if you finish by seven, you can have this

back.

Ha, ha, ha.

This was your stupid idea.

I think it's a good idea.

Here we are then.

What's this?

If you want it, you can make it.

I do that when I'm me. Yes, well, I'm in charge now. I need some help.

You can't mate me. Oh, can't I?

You can't, hey? Get on with your homework.

I think I'd rather watch TV.

In the kitchen.

Now.

I think she was a bit hard on you.

Thanks.

Maybe if you said sorry.

No.

Well, I expect they'll get fed up with it soon.

Yeah. They'll see what we have to put up with.

Right.

Well, I have to go now.

I'm not allowed to talk to you.

I'm supposed to be changing David's sheets.

Dad!

He wanted me to clean his bike.

What time's tea?

We're not getting any.

Well, this is it.

Oh, nice.

She got too hungry for dinner at eight. I've tried jumping every fall. I'd say

it's really jumping most nights. Well, I don't get up...

Well, what'll it be? Pina Colada, Manhattan?

They do everything here. Brandy and apple juice.

Never heard of that one before.

Something I've got a taste for.

Vodka and orange and brandy and apple juice.

Steve, one screwdriver and one roaner.

£4 .35, please.

That's a coincidence.

Oh, look, here's a table.

I've just got to go to the gents, all right? Oh, right, I'll be fine.

OK.

Remember me?

No, I think you have made some mistakes.

No, I don't think so.

Rowan, or isn't it?

Um... Luke!

I don't remember.

Let me give you a clue.

Um, August bank holiday?

We had the TV on.

Oh, you chitty -chitty bang -bang. Oh, God.

I do remember.

See, the thing is, Luke, I'm with somebody, and it'd be really... Luke?

Oh, Gordon!

Luke! How are you?

Sit down.

This is Rona, my ex -fiancée.

You don't mind, do you?

No. Luke and I train at the same gym.

You should hear some of the stories he comes up with.

Steady on.

What about that woman you picked up last August?

Claims she wore him out? What was her name? I don't remember.

Come on, you must. You couldn't stop going on about it. No, I don't really.

Oh, come on. You said it was the most incredible day you'd ever had. Yeah,

yeah. It wasn't me!

We spent the weekend together, all right?

Anyway, I'll be seeing you going, OK?

I mean, there's nothing wrong with that, is there? You didn't expect me to

become a nun when we didn't get married?

Well, no.

But you said... I know what I said.

But I wasn't telling you the entire truth.

There have been men since you.

Several men.

How many? I don't know.

How many?

Approximately.

How many did you expect?

Can't we split the difference?

so guilty?

I don't feel guilty.

I do.

Well, let's come downstairs by now.

You were always soft.

I suppose we've only got ourselves to blame, really.

How? Well, if I hadn't taken this job on, there wouldn't be this pressure on

everybody.

Well, not forever, is it?

Is it?

supposed to be so easy, isn't it?

A pair of padded shoulders and some power earrings and you're running your

business. Certainly worked for me.

I practically ran that baker's shop in all but name, you know. I realise that

now. You'd think if I applied for the same job somewhere else, the least they

could do would be to send me a letter to say no chance.

Maybe it's this one.

Where did you get that?

Well, it was downstairs. It came in a second post.

Dear Mrs Porter, I have pleasure in inviting you for an interview!

Yes!

Come down now. We don't want to anymore.

Here

we

are, my little treasures.

They'd always call dinner.

Thick casserole and dead fly pudding.

Mmm.

That's nice.

Well, will I do?

Damn you, Alexis!

Get out of our lives!

You look great, Mum. I don't look too much like Thatcher, do I?

Rejoice, rejoice.

You look like someone who's going to get a better job.

Thank you.

Come on, I'm going past the score. Drop your...

I'm not sitting in the back with the copper piping.

Oh, we won't be able to find you.

Just wait till you start throwing fuzzy stuff on your chin.

Like yours.

My brother, Oscar Wilde. First public warning, both contestants.

Come on. There's still no reply from Rona.

Oh, yes, of course.

Right, bye then. Bye, Mum.

Good luck.

Mum, if you get this job, can I have a Nintendo?

Yes.

And I'll also be staked out on an anthill?

You know this.

Don't be.

Just imagine the interviewer naked.

That way he can't scare you.

All right.

Bye. Bye.

What are you on today?

Long haul?

Jamaica with Christy, Josie, Carla and Marie.

Oh, I did Antigua with Josie last week.

Did you?

Josie, Lucy, Angie and Phil. Then on to Fiji with Lucy and Angie, Monica,

Chrissy and Julie.

Which one's Julie?

Didn't you do Rio with Julie?

Did I?

Yes. Julie, Lucy...

Carla and Angie.

No, that was Hawaii, and it was Christy, Carla, Marie and Josie.

So which one's Julie, then?

Is she the one that won't say, thank you, sir, do travel with us again?

I don't say, thank you, sir, do travel with us again.

Don't you?

Why not?

Because quite often I don't want them to.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Third floor.

Thank you.

Sit down.

Thank you.

Well, I see you spent some years working in one of our chief rivals' branches in

Hampton. Yes, that's right.

And you also did their accounts for them.

Yes. I think they thought it wasn't worth employing a manager as well.

Oh, I do beg your pardon. Would you like a cup of tea? No!

Thank you.

Well, I gave head office a ring and...

It seems that you kept the branch turning over rather nicely.

Are there any questions you'd like to ask me?

Something had crossed my mind.

By the way... Ah, Elizabeth!

Mr Barstow.

Have you got my dog basket ready?

Yes, it's all nice and comfy for you, Mr Barstow. The nurse is going to take you

to it, aren't you? That's right. And my special bowl.

Yes. Off you go now.

Oh, but I'm conducting an interview.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

He's taken his redundancy rather badly.

You are?

Mrs. Porter. I came for an interview.

Oh, yes. I did try and contact you. I only discovered you'd typed the letters

this morning.

What about the job?

There isn't one.

We thought he was taking it very well until half past ten this morning when he

rang through and asked me to throw him a stick.

Will he be all right?

Oh, I hope so.

But if you should encounter him again on the way out, just use this.

Where were you when I needed you?

Do you like it?

Where did you come from?

I said I had to come back for something.

Where's the van?

It's all right. It's round the corner. Christy's with it. I knew it.

You've been skulking about filming me with that thing, haven't you?

It's just practice.

You've been hoping to catch me doing something awful so you could send it to

Jeremy Beadle. Well?

Turn it off. No.

Turn it off. Don't be such a misery.

All right, then. How about this?

I didn't get the job. There was no job. Just a poor bastard who couldn't stand

being fired.

Ha -ha. Funny, eh?

And this'll kill the studio audience. My whole life is one big mess.

Is that good enough or shall I fall on my arse as well?

Sorry.

Why couldn't I have any good luck for a change?

Well, maybe that was the good luck.

Job just wasn't right for you.

Yeah. Robert Maxwell went on a sea voyage for his health.

I'm just trying to cheer you up. I know, I know.

You all right?

Yeah.

I'm not bleeding taxi service, you know. Double park round the corner for ten

minutes while you play Stephen Sodding Spielberg. All right, I'm coming. You

better. There's a tarway lorry hovering up the road and I don't fancy being

hauled up on a wire unless I'm playing Peter Bloody Pan.

All right, I'm coming.

I'll be back.

Hello, pleased to meet you.

Oh, sorry. Oh, that's all right. They were just me ribs.

Rowan, I've been trying to get you for ages.

TV, quick.

Why, what?

Employees arrived for work to find the factory gates locked.

A spokesman for Airmil said the company had closed due to the recession in the

aviation industry.

200 jobs will be locked in London and Reigate.

Breakfast television presenter Paulie Yates joined other celebrities today in

sponsored cycle ride for Brazilian... Little cow.

Oh, well.

It wasn't exactly a career.

I didn't get the bakery job.

Ah, back to that, then. Back to the DSS.

Looks like the catering industry's shrinking fast.

Not everywhere.

What's that?

It's an order for a buffet meal for 60 people.

Well, who's doing it?

You are.

Well, you've done it at home and at work all your life, and now it's official.

Your first wedding.

What?

Gordon's asked me to marry him.

Again? He didn't know how to tell me.

Being a male stripper, he just can't keep the girls away.

Our numbers matched almost exactly.

Like raffle tickets.

Rona, are you sure about this?

Can you ever be sure?

No. I just have to take a deep breath and hope for the best.

Well, I'm hoping.

I'm going to have to get a dress.

And a reception venue.

And a church.

And what about fixing up a honeymoon?

Oh, we had that last night.

Well, we had a lot of catching up to do.

And the guest list. And the flowers.

I'm sorry to interrupt the festivities, but your husband's an inch away from

clocking the traffic, Walden. Oh, no.

Oh, he won't listen to me. In two minutes' time, he'll be wearing a clamp

earmuffs. All right, all right. Just try and delay him till I get there. Phil?

Don't worry.

I know exactly what to do.