Original subtitles

to the car park immediately.

Will the owner of the RSPCA van please return to it in the car park

Excuse me.

Yeah?

I think we need someone to take this back to the car park.

No, these cans are quite light, you'll manage.

Boys won't take this pin off to change it.

Shall I send the tin?

I'll do it.

I think you're overqualified.

Oh, God.

How would you like it if I ended up a vegetable?

Well, you could still sit on the rack and wait for meals. Wouldn't make much

difference.

I thought the moment the mother spent at home was supposed to be devoted to

quality time.

No, quality streets.

I suppose you want to put a hoover and clean up in here.

What?

Well, I'll do it if you like.

Ben, there's a girl in here who looks just like our daughter. Do you suppose

was those strange pods that were growing in the garden?

to disappoint.

What time's Jason coming?

Eleven. We're meeting the others at the centre.

Back by six.

Eight.

Six -thirty.

I didn't recall a colkin's allowed up to eight.

Yes, but he's a midget in a little boy suit.

You won't believe what we got up in that loft. A portrait of Cliff Richard that

gets older?

Oh, Ben, didn't you get the paintbrushes?

Watch this, watch this.

I went to the doctor's today.

I said it hurts when I do this. He said, what am I doing?

Empty box, empty box. Silk, silk, empty box. Silk, silk, silk, empty box.

Ben, the paintbrushes.

I put some money on a horse there, 20 to 1.

Came at half past 3.

Watch the box, watch the box.

Watch the box.

Why did you do that?

That's magic.

Was that your flea? It was not my flea.

Did you get the long -handled one?

Might have done. Might not.

Jenny's meeting Jason at 11, and David and Sammy have gone to play in the

graveyard. What?

It's all right.

I took this off him.

No, they're just going to do some drawings for art. Right.

So now it's all up to you. I'm just going to go and get ready for work.

No problem.

You'd better be prepared to marry that hoover.

I just wonder what it would feel like.

Keep wondering.

Have you noticed?

We've got a lot of these, just as breast implants were banned.

More like anything on my chest that wasn't mine.

Like a hot water bottle you couldn't put down.

I suppose you could have it sucked out of your hips and pumped back up.

favourite. Shut up. No.

You can manage very nicely with my old pair, thanks.

Now you can.

But in ten years' time, you'll be peeling them off your ribs with a fish

It's not fair.

Men look better as they get older.

No, they don't. Yeah, they do.

They mature like cheese.

Have you made up your mind yet?

Rona, I told you, I am not going to see the Apollo men.

They take everything off, you know. They what? If you've seen one, you've seen

them all. And I've seen one and you've seen them all, so I can't see them all.

Are you going to have to sit at the front?

Oh, I'd want to sit at the front. So you'll come?

Oh, I don't know. It's a bit immature, really, isn't it?

Ladies, could I have your attention for a moment, please?

As you know, we do pride ourselves.

on the quality and value of our meals. So I was rather concerned when the

director handed on to me this note, which a passenger discovered yesterday

underneath his individual chicken Kiev and coleslaw.

Help, I am being held prisoner in an airline meals factory.

My only hope is to make a pistol out of EDAM.

Please do not... Do not eat your cherry tomato as I need it for ammunition.

I have had to apologise to the airline and I trust that this kind of thing will

not reoccur.

Thank you.

So, going to the Apollo men is immature.

taking a break. Been at it all day.

Where?

Well, there's a lot of preparation to do. Washing down walls, spilling in

sanding. Big macking, twixing, Tommy Coopering.

This world takes it out of you.

It must do. You can't just slap the paint on, you know.

Oh, what time is it?

Nearly seven.

Grounded. We should keep her downstairs like a thing in the cellar.

Dug up any good bodies lately?

Don't be silly. We've been making robins of gravestones. I'm going to have them

in my room. How chic. That's enough.

What's that?

A Saint Christopher. We found it.

Hasn't he done it yet?

Not yet.

What colour is it going to be?

This colour.

Oh. What's the matter with that?

Nobody has beige these days.

Oh, how super.

Shall we...

Keep away from the paint.

Right, let's get this on the road. Ben, can you look after the kids on Monday

night? Have you got a shift change?

No, Rona and I are going to a women's group.

Pity.

Why? Well, I hear the Apollo men, whatever they are, are appearing at the

Hippodrome. You don't mind?

Why should I?

They can charge the battery, I'll turn the key.

I'll hold you for that.

Right.

Ben,

not on the sofa, at least remark.

automobile outside.

We don't want anyone to paint on it.

Oh, I see you've got a new sticker for it. We've seen the leopards in Windsor

Safari Park.

Leopards? We didn't see any leopards, did we, Brian? No, not really.

Didn't see any leopards either, actually. They were hiding.

Wonder why.

Well, come in.

We're not interrupting anything.

Ben was just going to do some painting.

Oh.

What colour is it going to be?

This colour.

Oh. You want to strip that right back, really, Ben, before you start?

No, he doesn't.

Tina would be horrified if I didn't strip her right down before I got

eh?

Brian, it's the children.

Hello, Aunty Tina.

Haven't you got something to say to your Aunty Tina?

Go on.

I'm sorry I bought a raccoon for her.

Oh, that's all forgotten now, isn't it?

Yeah.

Pictures? What are they?

Aeroplanes? Little bunnies?

Gravestones.

Why don't you take them up to your room and cut them out? All right. Have a

seat. Shall I put the kettle on?

We can't stop.

I've got a stroganoff in the slow cooker and Brian's got to jeet clamp his

formica.

Onyx effect veneer to go with the TV lamp.

Coordination's so important, isn't it?

And you've still got that lovely necklace.

It was a special present from Brian.

I told him I can't imagine anything else being round my neck.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Better deliver our invitation, I suppose.

Ah, yes, well, we haven't decided about Christmas yet, have we? No, it's not

that.

Of course, you're very welcome.

This is about tomorrow.

I've had a letter from Dad.

a few days, and he wants to see you.

Didn't write to me.

I expect he's too busy.

Usually is.

But he doesn't come to England very often, so I thought it would be nice for

all to be together.

So he didn't actually ask for me.

Well, he implied it.

Yeah. I thought we'd all be there when he arrives, and then we can have a nice

meal together.

Tina, I really... What time would you like us? About four.

That'll be fine. Okay, Ben?

We'll be off then.

Cheers, Ben.

I'm sure it's going to look just how I imagined.

Bye.

Why did you say we'd go?

Ben, the kids haven't even seen him.

I've hardly ever seen him.

When he was with my mum, he was never home. And then when she finally had

of him, he's off to Saudi or Canada or Thailand or wherever the hell. And now

I'm supposed to come running. Hello, Dad. Nice to see you, Dad. Thanks for

pissing off when I needed you, Dad.

He's still your father?

He is not my father. I have no father.

I have a father effect veneer.

Do you know, I once saw him playing with somebody else's kids in a park.

Not a... He didn't care about us.

He just wasn't interested.

Not now, son.

Ben!

Sorry. What is it, Paisley?

Are we going to see Grandad?

Looks like it.

Where is he?

Here's one for you.

Shut up, he's looking.

Take this.

Have you had this ever since we left home?

It was worth it.

Tina. You know Brian?

Oh, yes.

You can't.

He's just a man like you. What harm can he do you now?

Go on.

Dad.

Ben.

Okay.

Yeah?

Been a while.

Yeah.

Yeah, quite a while.

Yeah.

This is Jenny. Hi.

David. Those flats.

And do you remember Bill? Yes.

we got separated at passports.

Ah.

There she is.

This is Durrani, my wife.

What'd they make us come out here?

It's difficult for them.

No one else at school has a grandma who's a stunner. She's not our grandma.

What is she then?

Have a biscuit.

I could do with another jar, though.

Dad, are you sure?

Yeah. I'll do it. Same again, Frank.

Ben?

Salmon cartwheel?

Long king do see.

It means both.

How long have you two been married?

Oh, nearly a year. I'd just gone back from the second stint and I thought,

that's about time you had someone to wash your socks, Frank.

You know how it is, lad?

Oh, yeah, we know how it is.

No, this one is ideal.

She does the washing, does the cooking, and no mean sluts in the love

department.

What more could any man want?

Yeah, if Electrolux could make the female genitalia, we'd be obsolete.

But until then, this is perfect.

It looks good, it works hard, and it knows its place.

It? Well, that's just a figure of speech, Princess.

What, like total prat, you mean?

What she means is this kind of crap may go down very well with your expat

cronies. But it's not exactly human rights, is it? Now, hold on. I'm still

father, you know.

Yeah, what are you going to do? Take your belt off to me?

I've just got to help Tina. No, no, no, no, no, no. She'll do it.

Durrani. No, no, she won't. Durrani, you stay there. Durrani. No, you stay

there, Durrani. You don't understand all this. What do you mean I don't

understand? You're treating her like a slave.

I'm not a slave. You're a natural worker.

last week. How fascinating.

Do they still fly down poles?

Thank you.

No, is it the way I was going on? I was in danger of suffocating.

Oh, yes.

From the smoke.

So, here we are.

How's Ben? Still clenched and brooding?

He darted on the painting.

Oh, that bad.

You're not worried about what I was saying at work, are you?

What? What about getting older and all that?

No.

You could have married Gordon.

Oh, Gordon.

What happened to him?

I don't know.

After I jilted him to the altar in front of his entire family, we lost touch for

some reason. Oh, come on.

You're only 17.

Yeah, only 17.

Think of all the good times you've had since then.

ready. Got film?

Oh, I've always got film.

I'll see you in half an hour.

See you in half an hour.

What's this?

What?

Hey, acid house.

You had orange.

Great, I knew I should have sent the chimp.

I think it's mega.

Yes, it's certainly that.

Well, take it back. What kind is it supposed to be?

Seventies beige.

What about the girl who turned her Walkman up too high? Was that putting

brains in a microwave?

I'll take you back now. Right. Can I come? If you want.

Will you be here when I get back?

No, but I'll be back by 12.

Oh, yeah.

Darren, you'd better come in.

I waited until Ben went out.

What? Out there?

You must be frozen. Sit down.

Where's Frank?

Out.

He's always out.

And Tina?

Tina, she said bad things to me.

What bad things?

I can't say.

Just a minute.

Hello?

What's the matter?

You haven't seen Boat, have you?

Why, what happened?

Oh, Bill, I don't know where to begin.

Do you know what the first thing she does is every morning?

She grinds chili peppers.

I'm sure Vim will never get the smell out of my moulinette.

Oh, Tina. She has to have special rice, special flour, some of them even from an

Asian shop.

I had to wear a head...

Please, next door can pick up my cordless on the CB radio.

Have you mentioned any of this to Daronne?

Well, about to mention it.

In passing.

Great. Thought you'd hear of anything.

I'll give you a ring. Bye -bye.

I'm sorry.

Yes, I worked in a bar.

Frank likes to drink.

It is true.

Some of the girls went with men.

They have so much money, and the girls have families.

Do you have a family?

Yes.

My sisters and my cousin.

This is where they live.

At first, I just wanted to get away.

But after I met Frank a few times, you know, he is really a good man.

Are you happy?

I have a home and a husband.

What else is there?

Excuse me.

Aren't you ready yet?

Oh, hi there.

What's that?

Oh, I thought I'd bring a bottle in case they run out.

Oh, Rona, they never run out of booze.

Not booze. It's baby oil.

I think it's about time we showed you just what else there is.

For the kids.

Thanks.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

Yeah, well, maybe I did lose my rag.

Yeah, well, I'll be going then.

Back abroad soon?

Yeah. Also?

Does it always have to be like this?

What? A few coded words and then off.

You never talk to me properly.

All right.

Let's talk.

I don't know what to say.

Yes, I do. Why? Why were you never at home? Why do you never like being with

Who knows?

For God's sake, stop avoiding contact with me. Just for a moment.

Well, I suppose... I suppose I was never much good at being a father.

I didn't know how.

I still don't.

It does.

Well, you seem to be making a pretty good job of it.

Sometimes, maybe.

You have to try.

Yeah.

Well, for some of us, it's too late, isn't it?

You know, you bought me one of these once.

Then you walked out on me that time as well.

I'm a bit old for magic, don't you think?

Not really.

in that changing room. No, it was only for a moment.

I covered my eyes and felt your way to him. No!

Well, what did he say?

It's on.

Wait.

A leisure card.

Oh, you cheated.

It was up your sleeve. It was not up my sleeve. No, it wasn't. It was here.

That's great, Grandad.

What about up his sleeve?

He doesn't cheat.

You know, actually, I really should be going.

No, don't. Well, Durrani, you'll be waiting.

Nah, Tina's probably got her doing something really cultural.

Yeah.

Brian's parked on a double yellow. Where is she? Dad'll be frightened.

I think she was here a minute ago.

I think she went to the loo. I'll find her.

Is this what you're looking for?

Whoops.