Original subtitles

Mmm.

Oh, I know.

Mmm.

Oh, well, we haven't really decided about Christmas yet, Tina.

Yes, I will.

Oh, all right, then.

Auntie Tina sends love and kisses, David.

He sends them back.

Yes, isn't it?

Oh, Jenny wants to say something.

She says Ben wants me in the garden.

Yes. Right then.

Love to Brian and Shane.

Bye then, Tina.

Right, then.

Bye, Tina.

Bye -bye.

Bye.

Oh,

this is such a surprise.

I'd like to thank darling, darling Jeff, lovely Guy, and all the wonderful

people at Drop the Dead Dot.

Why did I have to spend a whole evening on that rubbish?

Have you got your things ready for school?

In a minute.

I'm feeling a bit sick.

Games tomorrow, is it?

Yes, I think it is.

Mum. No.

I really do feel awful.

Well, you're not hot or anything.

You felt it this morning. It was probably the same thing.

I don't think... Well, what is it, then?

Wait and see how you feel in the morning.

I'll have a milk hanging off to get my sympathy in this house.

What's this?

Nothing!

Why don't you eat something?

It'll make you feel better.

Um, no.

I think I'll do some more revision, then I'll go to sleep.

All right.

By the way, I saw Mrs Grimes through the window.

She gave me this stare.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

You'd think she'd have got over it by now, wouldn't you?

After all, it's been weeks since she killed her dog.

Why, they didn't want it anymore.

What's the matter?

Your sister's been on the phone. She wants us to go for Christmas.

Oh, it's months till Christmas.

She wants to know whether to get the Cluedo out of the attic.

What did you say?

That it'll be me in the kitchen with the lead piping.

Mum, you'll stay up and watch the videos.

I suppose so.

Terminator 2, Fists of the Ninja, Bare Knuckle Kickboxers. You said you were

going to get Mary Poppins.

It was out.

Ben. Well, not really out. Ben.

Well, it was a bloke serving. I couldn't ask him for Mary Poppins, could I?

You could have told him it was the restored version, where Dick Van Dyke

up the dancing penguins and Julie Andrews has a magnum shotgun up her

Yes, there's Bob woman.

David, go and get your things ready for school.

You said I could what? I am not having you seeing fortuitous violence.

It's only the Terminator. I didn't mean the videos. Up.

I'm going to...

on telly tonight is prepped in dinner jackets giving each other lumps of

perspex.

We can watch these now we've got them.

Why?

Do you want to see?

Not really.

Well a bit.

Yes well I wouldn't mind watching them.

Why? Well I like that sort of thing.

You like seeing men shooting each other and driving cars after each other and

beating the crap out of each other. It's not just that. What then?

Well, it's a good story.

What story?

Well, there's men shooting at each other and driving fast cars around and...

What is all this? I just don't see how you can get any pleasure out of those

things. Hormones, probably.

What?

Well, you like slushy things.

I do not like slutty things.

Romance, then. You like to get rid of your feelings with a good cry.

I don't know what that's got to do with anything.

Well, we like to get rid of our feelings in a different way.

Watching kick and grave violence. Yes. No!

So you don't want to watch them, then?

No. I'm going to check on David, then I think I'll have an early night.

It's up to you.

I was out before.

No, get a clean one.

They're poncy colours. There's a white one in the chest. Doesn't your kidney

clean? It's only going to get dirty again.

Is that a blood test? No.

Go downstairs and get ready.

If you have any blood left, can I have it? Out.

Who's in there?

David, is that you?

I won't be a minute.

Mum, I need to come in.

Go downstairs.

breakfast. I'm not finished.

I don't feel like eating.

Have breakfast.

I'll check.

Oh, God.

Jenny, you still here?

No, it's me.

Oh. You all right, love?

Yes, I'm just having a bath.

Can I come in?

Could you go down and make sure Jenny eats?

Yeah, all right.

Belle, don't use my rider.

Up to the mark indicated with your urine thumb.

call it sick, but we managed to create two living beings that are almost human.

So, what's she doing in the bathroom?

There are some things about women you just don't ask.

Oh, coffee.

Hi, Ben. Hi, Irina.

Finished, OK?

OK.

Um, you're going to put Arnie up in your room.

All right.

So, uh, you do this, uh...

Funnel thing too, right?

Can I come in now?

Here you are.

Right in here. Right.

I'm off now.

Bye. Okay, bye.

Mum.

All right, I'll do you a note.

I'm ready.

Ben's been asking questions, you know. What did you say?

It was easy. I just went all coy and mentioned women's things.

His eyes went glassy and he said something about a blocked radiator.

Isn't it wonderful?

Mention the womb and you can hear their testicles shriveling in Aberdeen.

Oh, what's the verdict?

I'm pretty certain it's a false alarm, but I'll do the second test tomorrow to

be sure.

Mum, she's still in the bathroom.

The bus will be coming in a minute.

Oh, I've just remembered. I've got to do a note for Jenny. I'll go.

No, I'm afraid I haven't.

Mum says hurry up.

Oh, right.

I'm coming, then.

The steamers are there. Just put each one in for about four minutes.

Put each what in?

Here we go, then, girls.

They're only fish.

They're moving.

They can't hurt us.

Look, I'll lift the lid up and you put them in.

Right.

No, I'll lift the lid up and you put them in.

Okay.

We'll do one each.

All right. You first.

No, we'll do it together.

On three.

Agreed? Agreed.

Right, then.

One, two, three.

God, what a sight.

Oh, thank you, yes. We've just been redecorated.

Makes the whole place more light and roomy, doesn't it?

One of Paddy's finally thought of sex, please, Gary. Not the massive coronary.

Just a small cardiac arrest.

Christine? I suppose I'll have a bacon sandwich.

Anything with that?

Salmonella, I should think.

No, we don't do pasta.

How about HP sauce?

She'll have it as it comes. No, I won't. No, she won't. I'll have it with

lettuce and tomato.

It shall be done.

How are you today, then? You've been bossing me about all morning.

That's because I'm the boss.

No, this wasn't the ordinary bossing about. This was the heavy -duty,

-the -workers bossing about.

If we had barges and bows, you'd have me toting and lifting.

So are women trouble, I shouldn't wonder? I'll never understand them. No,

neither. Here, I'm a woman, you know.

I haven't got a couple of Cornettos stuffed up me jumper for later.

Not at work, you're not. You want it to be one of the boys, so you are, and that

includes sympathy for us when we need it. Yeah.

What's she done this time?

She won't let me watch a video.

Oh, you poor thing.

Ah, disgraceful.

And I was living with a woman once, and she forbid me to watch the rugby.

So I said to her, whose house is this anyway?

Unfortunately, it was hers.

She threw me out with no baggage.

She wouldn't let me have the Terminator. She wouldn't let me have the

Liquidator.

And it was mine for sure. She doesn't understand.

Aggression's natural to us. What, you?

Aggressive? Eh? You're as soft as anything.

Ow!

Your mum took it back and exchanged it for towels of Beatrix Potter.

Isn't that nice?

Does anybody get shot?

Not yet.

Ben, you ready?

Yes.

Bloody cowboys.

No indicators as usual.

There's someone turning.

I know.

Yes, 50 miles an hour is not fast enough for us, is it?

What a toss -up. Right up my exhaust pipe.

Let him pass!

Let him pass?

No way.

Now fog lamp trick never fails.

Ben, this is insanity.

Oh. Calm down.

He's passing.

Ben. You're staying right there.

Sorry, Doctor, but please. Oh, what a shame.

Stop it now.

Looks like you'll have to stay behind me, Mr. Stupid Flash Turbo Brat.

You want a race? You can have one.

I can't believe this is happening.

Do you think you should get away with that, do you? Slow down!

Oh, no! Slow down, I say!

Never!

It's red ahead!

No!

Barton!

H -8 -8 -2...

882 LJH.

Cleaver's got a mate who can get into the police computer.

I can find out his address.

What are you talking about?

We can find out who he is. Why?

Why? You saw that. He could have killed us. You could have killed us. Don't be

stupid. I shouldn't be stupid.

He started it.

Even if he did, it's not your responsibility.

Look, I'm driving.

Yes, we all noticed that.

You want to drive?

Yes. Well, you have to do say so. I am saying so.

Just tell me.

And I'll stop the car. Stop the car.

Now? Yes, right now.

What, really?

Yes.

You're near 12.

Mr and Mrs Porter, I want you to call me Babs.

None of this surname crap.

And you are?

I'm Bill and Ben.

Don't say it.

Right. I always prefer first names with parents. After all, we're all partners

in the education process, aren't we?

Terrific. I could mention David's technical English grading. The Tory

curriculum insists on us telling you.

But we don't want to be judgmental, do we?

Yes, we do.

Right.

Well, he's above average, for the record. Not that I want to foster

any way.

But there's one area of concern with his English composition.

Oh, go on.

Well, he does have a particular obsession with the macabre.

Aha!

What? Would you like to look at some of his work?

Yes, thank you.

A trip to the torture chamber.

My sister is a vampire.

Samurais cut out their guts. You're just reading out the worst ones.

No, I'm not.

What about that one?

My perfect pet.

My perfect pet would be a vulture.

I would keep it in my bedroom and feed it on dead bodies.

I would call it Babs.

Babs would swoop down from her perch and peck their entries.

He means entrails. I know what he means.

Well, that's normal stuff for a boy.

An obsession with violence.

That's not violent. That's just weird.

He'll grow out of it.

After all, we don't want to be weirdest, do we?

Not normal.

Look, all I know is if he is weird, he didn't get it from me. Excuse me. What?

Ah!

Oh, hi.

Sorry, Mum's out. They're at David's parents' evening.

Yeah, I know. Where's David?

Upstairs playing Game Boy. Why?

I just thought you might like someone to talk to.

No. It's all right.

You know, lots of revision to do and everything. Well, it's up to you, but

sooner or later you know somebody else is going to notice.

Oh, my God.

David, have you got your things in the bathroom cabinet?

No. Why? Have I got poison?

Where's your sister?

Oh, she went out.

Tell your father when he gets back I'm at Rona's. All right.

You started it.

Bill. Oh.

You remember Sven?

Oh, yeah. Do you want some coffee?

No, Rona.

It's about the pregnancy test.

You're not. No. You are, aren't you? No. Really?

No, I'm not pregnant. It was a false alarm.

What then?

The second tester.

It's missing from the bathroom cabinet. Then I realised.

What if it's to do with Jenny?

Have you told your husband of this? No.

Oh, you didn't speak English.

I took a course. Bill, I think... There's no need to feel embarrassment.

In Sweden, we think it is beautiful when a girl is becoming pregnant.

In Sweden, you think ABBA is rock and roll.

I'll be in about time. I asked Jenny what's wrong with her.

Well...

Now's

your chance. What are you doing here?

Rona said I could use her phone.

She persuaded me not to see the doctor.

Oh, my God.

Please, please, please tell me you're not pregnant.

She's not pregnant.

Okay. Then... But Abba is rock and roll.

I couldn't help it.

I did it once and I couldn't stop.

Couldn't stop what?

I've been making myself sick after meals.

I've been cooking those meals.

What's made you do that?

I don't know.

Just... Everyone else is prettier and brighter

than me.

Come with you to the doctor.

Who's going to tell Dad?

Don't worry about your dad.

I'll catch him in a good moment.

What?

Well, if you didn't take my test, who did?

Maybe we've got a ghost.

Don't be silly.

Don't hit me, don't hit me, don't hit me.

I'm not going to hit you, but you listen to me, you scumbag. Dad! Oh, God, don't

do that!

Are you going to bust his ass?

Not unless he makes trouble.

That's him.

I'll handle it. Leave it to me.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't.

Who is this fight with?

H882LJH. Ben, I told you.

Dad gave him a challenge.

Look, I just put a note under his windscreen. It's nothing to concern you.

deal with this.

That's him. What exactly did this note say?

I don't remember.

It just said, are you so big without your wheels and gave our address.

Great.

It's the most amazing thing, then.

My husband's dealing with this. Come in.

Well? Hit him, Dad.

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't realise, obviously.

So you should be, then. You drive like a bloody maniac.

I drive like a bloody maniac? What about your driving? It's you you should be

apologising. Oh, yeah? If you weren't in... What?

I'm sorry, that was well out of order. No, no. If I wasn't what? In a

wheelchair. Well, that's a pretty feeble excuse.

Come on, then. Try it. Well, I might just do that.

What are you going to do? Let me tie us down? Oh, very brave. Ben, sit down.

And you, put your brake on.

Oh, Mum.

You see where aggression gets you?

Right.

Now, I think the best thing to do is to agree that there were faults on both

sides. What about this note, then? What about your driving? What about your

driving? Can't you just forget about that?

You see? You don't understand.

Oh, I see.

Honour must be satisfied, is it?

Exactly.

Fair content.

Vacation.

You're rubbish.

Thanks, son.

Anyone for a hot dog?

Yes, please.

Jenny?

Why not?

Come on, then, darling moth. Let's take Joff for a drink.

Fair enough.

Course I would have won normally things being what they are what?

You're gonna have to take care of me, you know from now on why I Did a test

yesterday According to that

I'm pregnant