Original subtitles

Come on.

Come on.

White bread.

White sugar.

Sausages.

Bacon.

Cream.

She'll come home one day to find her husband slumped over a chipped butty

his heart turned to cement.

Butty sod.

Eh? No.

I don't want people getting in with me.

Anyway, I've been waiting three quarters of an hour.

Can we go home now?

We had to be in Hammersmith for that thermostat ten minutes ago.

Well, let's forget it.

No! Why not?

Because!

Is it raining?

You ought to be out of them things.

Later.

What's this?

Call me madam.

I usually do.

Why can't we go home?

Because one of us here is in charge.

Yeah, the one with wet knickers.

Thanks for coming round and dropping the keys in this morning.

Over to you.

What's this lot be?

Cold cups and winter salad supreme.

Where's the cold floor?

I'll do it.

A coleslaw is winter salad as well as ordinary salad.

A coleslaw is everything here.

It's a garnish, it's a main course, and in first class it's a herbal faith

scrub. I think the real reason is you don't have to bother to be air -sick.

You can just put it straight in your brown paper bag.

And to heck with the diet.

So why did you say you'd do it then?

What, look after next door? Well,

I felt bad about pulling a rose bush off the wall and cutting off its roots

and... She wanted someone to look after the dog.

You mean farty? Thought it usually went off to the country somewhere.

The country?

There's still trees uprooted from the last hurricane.

It's like in that house.

Sort of a cross between late contemporary and early retirement.

Takes me half an hour to wind the cuckoo clock.

Cuckoo clock?

Did you peek in the bedroom?

Of course not. But you did. I did not. You did.

Rona, that wouldn't be right. She'd trust me.

Hmm.

And? On her side, there's a Barbara Cartland and a box of matchmakers.

And on his side, there's a pipe cleaner and a tin of shellac.

Or the other way round.

True? Chicken Le Grand V.

Oh.

As a result, not too much trouble.

I'll just have to sneak in with his meals while he's asleep.

Why? Well, if he barks, he also... Oh.

I don't know why they bother leaving him behind, really. One good wolf and he

could fly behind the 747.

Thank God for that.

These are no more late this week.

Well, shouldn't we finish these?

So -so.

God, I'm worn out.

Oh, me too.

Lucky Ben's doing the food tonight.

How did you swing that?

squirmed a bit when the order came from the International Court of Human Rights,

but apart from the crying, she was fine.

Where do you think they find such tiny drumsticks?

I don't know.

There's a mouse over there with a walking frame.

Um, too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy that it hurts.

Shut up!

And, um, too sexy for my sister.

Too sexy for my sister.

Your face looks like a blister.

these bags into the kitchen. Oh.

And grow your hair.

What?

Oh.

What is it?

Oh. Hello, love.

What's the matter?

I'm not sure.

I've got a headache and I feel lousy. Are you hot?

Yeah. Have you taken anything?

No. Why not?

Oh, please. I'm not well.

You need aspirin.

Just leave me alone.

I'll be alright.

Sure? Yeah.

Do you want me to get you one?

Yes, please.

Right. I didn't put this shop in the way.

I'll do it.

Thank you.

No, don't put a light on. It's too bright.

Okay.

But don't shut the door.

It's too dark.

Turn the light on the landing on. All right. No, it's too bright.

Still too dark.

Try shutting the door a bit more.

No!

I could just stand here and turn the light on and off periodically.

I'm sorry.

I'm not well.

How's that?

Well... Good.

Mum, it was on TV that there's a fire in the high street. No, you can't. They

put the bodies in bags.

Get one for his bedroom.

A bag or a body?

Don't be silly.

Well, if your father pegs out this evening, you can put him out for the bin

I promise.

Oh, you never let me do anything good.

Oh, what's that coconut doing in here?

Ha, ha.

It's sweet.

I bet your chest is like dried prunes by now.

At least the bath is the same colour when I get out.

Jenny, I need you to go to the Asian shop for some aspirin. Why?

I'm going to make them into exciting jewellery. Your father's got the flu.

Now we'll all get it. I want it first.

Weird. Get a big bottle. I can't. I've got to get ready.

For what? I told Jason I might meet him at the precinct.

You know what we said.

Boyfriends are all right at weekends.

We didn't say that. And how many weeks is it to your exam?

Here it comes again. You should be studying.

They've abolished the KGB, you know. Not in this house.

Here's the money.

I think I went child line. Good. Tell Esther those dresses are horrible.

I could go to the hospital and get the aspirin. Nice try, Gaggar.

What you could do is go next door and feed the door.

I don't think so.

What did I tell you? Mother.

Come and sit down.

Oh, no, please, not one of your talks. What do you mean?

Jenny, I want to talk to you like an adult.

You're grown up now and you have to behave like one. So do exactly as I tell

you. It's like Oprah Winfrey joined the Nazis.

Damn, I thought that one would last at least another year.

Don't patronise me.

Two tablets every four hours.

Brought you some aspirin. I can't swallow those. Yes, you can.

You know I can't swallow pills.

You've swallowed bits of pizza ten times this size.

That's different.

Come on, sit up.

Put this in.

And just swallow.

I can't.

Don't think about it. Just swallow.

Oh, go ahead.

Dad said it was all right. When?

Just now.

What exactly did you ask him?

I said, all right, if I go out. And he said?

Well, he made a sort of, yes, sort of noise.

What did it sound like?

Sort of... Very clever.

Now, raise my lips.

Go upstairs and study for your exam.

You can't make me.

ever tell you about the girl who woke up one morning and found her hair been

backcombed into a bouffant? Oh, very funny.

Look, I've been on nights all last week. I've got no help in this house and I'm

pretty close to the edge. Something soon is going to send me right over the

brink.

I'll probably grow up emotionally retarded.

And it's all your fault.

Thank you.

What do you think it is?

I don't know. Perhaps you should go to the doctor.

No. Why not?

It might be something.

Such as what?

Nothing. What?

It might be brain tumour.

I don't think so.

Why not?

Well, you'd have other symptoms as well.

What symptoms?

I'm not going to tell you. Why?

Look, just tell me what symptoms you have got.

Headache.

Hot. Shivering.

Lack of energy.

It's just a virus.

Virus? What virus?

I don't know. There's hundreds of viruses.

Flu, probably.

But have they?

Right.

What?

after I've fed the kids, and you'll feel better in no time.

All right, go back to bed. What is it?

Dad's blind chunks.

It's all right. Go to sleep, Jenny.

What's made him say that?

I'm sorry.

I could stop it now.

God, you look like death. Go to sleep.

Are you all right now?

I'm not sure.

I'll move down to the sofa.

Hello?

laughter

Do that, if I were you.

Could I have a word with the pharmacy, please?

Certainly. Mr Parrot?

Yes?

Oh, yes.

I'm afraid they make you the head office.

Everyone in the shop thinks it's very amusing.

How can I help?

Well, it's two things, actually.

I think my husband has some kind of virus.

Yes? He's got headaches, loss of energy, fever.

Well, certainly sounds like one.

And I suppose being sick will be part of it.

Quite probably.

Or it could be poisoning.

Poisoning?

Salmonella or some minor bacterium. Either way, aspirin should relieve the

symptoms. Preferably soluble.

Right.

I suppose I could give these to a dog if I wanted to.

Why do you ask?

I mean, if I hadn't any dog aspirins, it's the same thing, isn't it, and vice

versa? Well, pretty much, yes.

How do you mean, vice versa?

Well, I mean, if I accidentally gave my husband a dog aspirin.

Well, no, there's no substantial difference.

One won't have any effect.

You were thinking of just the one.

Oh, yes.

Good.

You said there were two things.

Oh, yes. Do you have anything for flatulence? For your husband?

No, it's for... It's for me.

I see.

And when does this flatulence occur?

Um... When I make a noise and when I get excited.

See what I can do.

You've got a lot to answer for.

How long

do you think Ben will be off work?

God knows.

He always exaggerates.

He doesn't really believe I feel anything when I'm ill. He thinks

some kind of painkiller.

It'd be different if they had the children.

Ben would need an epidural to get through the conception.

I think he's really ill.

Oh, yes.

He just hasn't got any patience.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

Oh, yes.

Oh, not that.

Coming off nights, my body clock's still slow.

Never stopped you giving it a good whine?

This job's playing havoc with my love life.

Ralph Lundgren's body was in front of me right now. I wouldn't know whether to

grope it or put an onion ring on it.

Either way, it will make your eyes water eventually.

Bill.

Oh, I didn't get much sleep either. What with Ben and that awful thunder.

Thunder? You must have heard it. It was awful.

I was reading till five o 'clock. I didn't hear a thing.

Well, you must have seen the lightning.

Shut up!

You do realise this is supposed to be pear and almond ambrosia?

Oh, no.

Seventy cold floors.

What flight is it, Bea?

Charles de la Palma.

Oh, I'll stick cherries on the top they'll never notice.

Bill?

Is that you?

Yes. How are you feeling?

I was sick again.

Oh, dear.

Twice.

Apart from that?

Still got a headache.

Oh. Well, not better yet.

Did you take the proper aspirin I left you?

Proper aspirin.

Soluble aspirin?

No. Well, what have you eaten?

I didn't feel like making anything.

I suppose you want me to make you something.

Yes, please.

Look, Ben, you've got to start taking responsibility for your own health.

You've just got a virus. You're not dying.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

All right.

I'll make you some soup after I've fed the dog.

After the dog?

Yes.

special for him.

Mum?

What?

You were right about my exams.

I've shared studies so I can get my GCSEs.

What's brought this on?

Just, if I don't get them, I could be stuck in a dead -end job like yours.

Sorry, I didn't mean to... No, it's all right.

It is a dead -end job. I hate it.

But I'm glad you've noticed by yourself.

Thanks.

And I can still see Jason at weekends, can't I?

Of course.

The dead body underneath you will be mine.

Well,

he'll be all right, Dad.

Where's your son?

They're coming.

This way.

Thank you.

So, what do you think the trouble is?

Could we talk?

Oh, right. Upstairs, kids.

Why?

I'll play you a game, boy.

Well, the symptoms are quite straightforward.

Sickness, fever, lack of energy. It could be a virus.

Oh.

I have to ask you to consider the possibility that, well,

it might be kinder to put him down.

What? Well, Rufus is a very old dog.

Your neighbor has known that his digestive system has been, well, ailing

some time.

I did warn her that a bad virus could lead to kidney failure.

But it'll get better.

Well, even if he does partially recover, he'll be in constant pain and distress.

Look, I'll give him a painkilling injection for now.

Leave you to have a think.

Right.

Ben?

Oh, we can't. We can't do that.

Well, you heard what he said.

It's not even ours.

What are you going to tell her when she gets back?

Hello, have a nice holiday. We could use your dog. Tea, anyone?

days before she gets back. We can't leave him in pain all that time.

Ben.

What if it was me?

It isn't you.

No. What if this wasn't just flu and it was me dying in the next room? What

would you do then?

You wouldn't, would you?

I'm going to tell him to go ahead.

It's all we can do for Rufus now.

Can we come down now?

Sure.

Dad, what's going to happen to Farty?

Well, I expect he's going away to the country to be looked after.

Right, Dad?

Thanks, Jen, but I think your brother's old enough now to be told the truth.

The fact of the matter is he's going to have to be put down.

Why?

Because... Because your mother is a dog murderer.

Bedtime now.

You too, Jenny.

Good night.

say to them?

Nothing. Well, you must have said something.

I didn't explain it very well, sorry.

How are you feeling now?

Oh, better, much better. I'm thinking of going back to work tomorrow.

Oh, good.

I'm not looking forward to telling Mrs Grimes.

Well, we've got ten days to sit down and talk about how you're going to tell

her.

I'm going to tell her?

Well, you did it. We both did it.

I've asked the vet to, you know, hang on to the body.

They might want to do something with him.

What, what?

Well, they've got pipe cleaners and a tin of shellac.

I don't think that's very funny.

Neither do I.

At least it seems to have cured David of his obsession with death.

He's never been the same since you took him to see the Addams family.

No.

I've been thinking.

You hate that bloody job.

Business is good for me.

So why don't you pack it in and stay at home like the old days?

Do you mean the good old days?

Yeah.

No, I don't think so.

I think I'll stay there till I work out what I really want to do.

Just a thought.

You never did answer my question, though, did you?

What question?

If I was ill and you had to make the decision.

Oh, Ben, don't be so morbid. Oh, come on, I want to know.

If that light switch was my life support system, what would you do?

Oh, the body's gone stiff already.