Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Mum! Just a minute!

Can I borrow your iPad?

Hang on. Don't go.

We found it. Give it to me. It's all right. The safety cat is gone.

Do as your mum says.

Ben! Who did you expect?

Annika Rice?

That looks in perfect working order.

Be careful with that.

Rona!

Morning.

What happened to you?

What? I've had my hair done different. Do you like it?

But you're a nun.

I've renounced my former self and decided to devote my life to chastity.

Anyway, I already had the uniform.

Wait, where are you going?

I've been out all night on a call. I'm going to crash out in the bedroom. No,

you can't!

Hi, Mum.

This is Flem. He's going to tattoo me.

Hi, Ben. There you go.

Cheers,

mate. See you.

Did he tell me to spit on your mascara?

No. I already did it anyway.

You didn't. You'll never know for sure.

You were disgusting, do you know that?

I haven't got gob on my eyelashes.

To think I'm only separated from you by one chromosome.

Why didn't somebody wake me?

It's only ten to eight. Ten to eight? Who's getting the breakfast? I don't

any. Mother, he's been touching my make -up. Again?

I was testing it on Rabbit. David!

What are you eating?

Toast.

Come here.

Is that a blister on your tongue? I thought so.

Cherry! Jenny, this is your fault. I can't stop him. You should have woken

Why? You don't have to go anywhere.

Of course.

Silly me. I am the living dead. I must stay in my coffin in case I contaminate

the employed.

I didn't mean that. You know exactly what you meant.

There is a recession on, you know. The paper said it was over. The paper said

Elvis was alive and working at Alton Tower.

How's the training?

Oh, great. I can feel my metabolism speeding up. Hungry?

No, I'll just have a shower and some coffee. Why didn't you wake me?

No need. You haven't got to go anywhere.

a red T -shirt today? I can't. Why? I shall be begging at the tube station

a pierced nose and an outstation on a piece of string.

If Anne Frank was in this family, she'd lean out of the attic shouting, take me,

take me. Don't say things like that.

David, what are you doing?

We're cutting up frogs today.

God, there won't be any animals left soon. I'm sure they'll provide the

You haven't got a frog in here, have you? Don't be silly.

That'll be Jackie, I'll get it. No, it's all right.

But you're in your dressing gown.

Come in, we're nearly ready. Not the coffee, please, not the coffee. Like

coffee? What sort is it?

I don't know, it's brown and it's cheap.

Oh, we don't bother with the decent stuff in the morning, do we, Mother? Oh,

it's so well worth.

My mother says you can tell the class of a person by the coffee they drink.

Is that a bruise on your mouth? Mother!

left as a little present?

You may have already won £10 ,000 or a full Sierra estate.

Oh? Dear Mr Bill Poulter, imagine what you could do with £10 ,000. Pay off your

mortgage, take a luxury holiday.

Put landmines in the garden?

Or buy sumptuous gifts for all the Poulter family.

This is not a timeshare. What is it?

A timeshare.

Don't delay. Send your reply today in this special prepaid envelope.

What a good idea.

There we are.

You're not really going to send that. I should.

They send us theirs.

You should have woken me, you know. You look so peaceful.

Did I?

Were you dreaming?

I don't remember.

What's that?

Oh, it's a letter from the training scheme. They found a replacement for

You could always take me on.

Nothing. Of course. I forgot. A monkey wrench can only be worked by the

testicles, can't it?

Come on, you'd have to take orders from me. Well, I could do that.

It's different when it's some snotty little kid. Go on, try me. No!

Give me an order.

Get my keys off the sideboard.

You're right, I couldn't do that.

You see, dear Melanie says your breasts should be examined every day.

Yes, but you're supposed to do it yourself.

Anyway, it's dead boring. It's like grappling with an icing bag.

I'd have to be really stuck for something to do.

Here's another one.

Dear Melanie, for some time I have had problems with thrush. Yours sincerely,

the man from Uncle.

friend for five weeks now and I'm only 16.

Recently he has wanted to become intimate.

But I do not yet feel ready to yield to him.

Yield to him?

She's from Norwich. I do so want to keep him but do not

feel the time is right for us to become physically close.

What shall I do?

Marry him.

To Clifford.

You are too shy to give your full name and address, but there is no need to be

embarrassed. Many men feel that size is a barrier to satisfying a partner, but

there is no need to worry.

Liar.

What else is there?

Ten toast toppers to take that.

Jason, I am not.

Marky Mark in his shorty shorts.

Did we read this one? rubbish when we were her age?

Hmm?

Rona.

Sorry.

Well, the worst thing I remember in Bunty was when one of the four Marys had

crush on the geography mistress.

Yes, but they could have an orgasm over a new pair of sensible shoes.

Dream lovers.

Those tell -tale night -time fantasies that give away your secrets.

And I see that.

You haven't had it again.

Yeah, last night.

Was I still in the Salvation Army?

You were a nun this time.

Well, that's promotion.

Perhaps I'll work my way up to the Virgin Mary eventually.

It's a dream, not a miracle.

What do you think it means, Rona?

It doesn't mean anything. That's what dreams are for.

I don't think it must mean... I don't know.

You're probably a bit low.

Yeah, I am.

I thought... I really did, that I could...

Change things for the better.

Here I am now, no job, sitting here all day, set when I sign on.

Oh, you'll be needing the car keys, won't you?

Thanks.

I just wonder how long I can stand it.

Well, you wouldn't want to work at my new place unless you were desperate.

Mind you, there is a new guy on packaging.

It's a tradition, we take all his clothes off, cover him in mayonnaise and

him on the warehouse floor.

I'd better be going. Oh, why?

I just told you I've got to leave him on the warehouse floor.

Rona! He came back with me last night.

He's having a bath now.

Cute.

Well, let's put it this way.

If Clifford saw him, he'd worry himself sick.

Happy signing on. And easy on the mayo.

It should be.

That's right. Ben Porter, hop in, mate. We've got a job for you in Dockland.

Do the honours on the way, eh?

See you then. See you.

I prefer to be called Christine.

Yes. It's over there. I think the valve may be broken.

That weighs a bloody tonne. Please be careful of that. It's rather delicate.

Yeah, those self -assembly stuff never come out looking right, do they?

Actually, it was very expensive.

Could have got one of them from MFI.

Yeah, it's a valve, all right. It'll have to be drained and replaced.

Christine, go and get a bowl, will you?

Do I have to?

Yes. Why?

Because I need it.

Why can't you get it?

Just get it, will you?

Should have stayed on meats and everything there was a ticky kebab.

She only started today.

You surprise me.

I just don't know what to do about Ross.

He just doesn't seem interested in me.

But you're very interesting, Julie.

you have to be so careful nowadays.

Trudy up the road was into her grumbling ovaries before she realised she was

through to dial a pizza.

It is me, Mum.

Oh, that's good. I just wanted to know because I've got you programmed into my

phone. Your number one button.

Terrific. Well, how are you?

Well, actually, I'm a bit low.

Depressing being home all day. Oh, I know.

My joints have been killing me all week.

I think it's the weather.

Do you know, sometimes my knees rattle like monkey nuts.

Do you think I should put my name down for plastic ones?

I thought we were talking about me. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Doesn't seem natural, though, does it?

Tom, Edie's husband, he's got a metal screw through his head.

Now, she makes him stand on a rubber bath mat every time we have lightning.

And she's got cataract, you know.

She can't see a thing.

Oh, she's very worried about Tom and the home help.

Of course, they say all those slurping noises are on Emmerdale Farm.

Took an overdose.

Right, I need Anne getting this off the wall.

Why? It's heavy.

All right, all right. Which last servant dial?

Unemployment.

Careful, wall's up! It's all right. Stop it.

What's happened to the carpet? It's just a few drops. The water gets quite rusty

in there.

It's ruined!

Should have had a nice patterned one.

There's a salad -allied carpet. Don't you worry about it. We'll clean it up,

Christine.

If you wouldn't mind.

I thought flavour had been abolished.

It's not dried in. We'll shift it.

Mmm.

No, I promise you, Mum.

No, I'm not going to have tissue pumped into my lips to make them fuller.

Mmm.

No. Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Oh, Mum, I have to go.

Yeah, you too.

Right, bye.

I'm ordering the Christmas turkey tomorrow.

Are you coming?

Not now, Mum, please.

I've ordered a £17 one. Will I be all right if you are coming?

It's four months till Christmas. Well, I don't want to run out on the day.

And I don't want to run out on Boxing Day or the day after.

We haven't even talked about it yet. I don't even know what we're doing.

Well, Ben doesn't get on with his father, does he? And you don't get on

sister, so you won't be going there, will you?

Look, Mum, can I ring you back?

Look, I've got to sign on. If you're late, they'll make you have an

I'll ring you back.

I need to know today!

I promise.

I'll ring you before I go to sleep. Bye, Mum.

They've been too good to be true.

Hello?

Excuse me?

I know you're busy, but could you possibly give me a jump start?

Yes. I think we could manage that.

Can you come and help now?

Oh, yes.

No problem.

Thanks so much.

Sorry. Excuse me, I'm sorry to disturb you. I was calling if you could sit in

car for me and just give me a bump done.

Excuse me, I'm really sorry to disturb you. Do you think you could just come

sit in my car for a minute?

Cow.

I'm sorry to disturb you.

And just sit in my car for me while I push it and give it a bump start. Just

take your foot off the clutch for me while I push the car.

It's just the breakfast thing.

I'm paying 40, I'm afraid.

I'm not going to pay you.

What? You've ruined my carpet, so I'm withholding your money as compensation.

But you let me finish.

Sue me.

I spent half an hour getting that off the carpet.

Yes, but I know it's been saying now.

You can't do this.

Oh, can't I?

You come blundering all over my flat with some lesbian. You what?

Oh, come off it, love. You have to be a lesbian to do plumbing. No, you have to

be a lesbian to sleep with other women. Didn't you find that out at the

finishing school?

Christine.

over us.

I'd like you to leave, but now!

Come on.

All right.

Well, I'm going to stand in the foyer of these flats and tell every yuppie that

your shiro kuramata is a copy.

Will the check be all right?

I used to read a lot of Metropolitan Home when I was on the meat counter.

Well, Mrs Porter, the supervisor thought it might be a good idea if we have a

little chat.

Oh. Have you filled in a form before?

Yes. Oh, good.

Well, you'll have to give me some tips then.

Now, I see you've been without employment for 14 weeks. Yes.

Are you familiar with our leaflet 627, Getting a Job?

Is that the one with the boy on the cover holding a screwdriver and grinning

like he's on angel dust?

That's the one, yes.

Now, what we're going to do, you and I, is make a list of everything we're going

to do to get you back to work.

We're going to do? Yes.

Well, I'll reduce interest rates by stepping in to support the pound and you

invest massively in industry.

So, where was your last employment, then?

In Hanson's Bakery, I served her. So your work experience is mainly in the

retail confectionery area?

Yes. And have you sought employment in the retail confectionery area?

Yes. And what progress have you made in the retail confectionery area?

My progress has been mainly in the bugger -off area.

So, what positive steps could you take to go and work in the cake -related

sector, do you think?

Could leap with Mr Kipling.

Mrs Porter, I should tell you, as a friend, that non -cooperation could lead

loss of benefit.

Look, there's a recession on and the shops have cut back on what staff they

I don't really see how sitting here writing dolly shopping list is going to

propel me into the chairmanship of ICI. They might be a bit put off by the fact

that I've spent the last ten years filling back.

Don't cry.

Only on exam day, it was strong enough.

Never mind.

You're doing very well.

No, I'm not.

Are you having trouble, Miss Goss? No.

Blow your nose.

Thank you.

Couldn't you take the exam again?

Don't you think I should?

Yeah.

Haven't you got a list of evening classes?

No. Well, you'll find one at your local library.

We went on a course.

Well, sometimes you get people who are slightly mad.

They tell things to Kissy that they won't tell to me.

I see.

I'll get you a new car.

If I were you, I'd get out of here right now.

centimeters long. I'm easy to run.

I'm convinced.

Right, cushion.

Hi. Dinner in two minutes. Right.

Need any help with the toggle?

No, thanks.

Well, I'll do these tapes then, shall I? If you like.

There's only three.

That's right, I've had mine. I've got to be at work in half an hour. You've got

a job.

by the three until eleven.

Oh, I was going to take you on as my trainee.

I'll have to cope with the shift till I can find something better.

You mean we won't see you? Well, it's better than your mother being

isn't it?

That'll be Rona. Bed by ten o 'clock, all right?

Bye, Mum. Bye, Rad.

I've got the coleslaw if you've got the tweezers. Leave me to those midget

blamonges. Goodbye, love. Bye.

Right!

Stardate 4 .2 .8.

First officer in command. David, wash your hands.

They'll never stand up to the screen, Captain.

I didn't want her to do any job. It's just... Well, at school you can lose

friends if they find out things.

Perhaps they're not friends then.

This is all my fault. I've been horrible to her.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

If I know your mum, she hasn't done this because she's bored or because she

feels bad.

She's done it because...

Because she is who she is.

And we're very lucky to have her.

So don't feel too bad. Feel just bad enough to do the washing up.

I'm dying.

Right then.

Who's going to be mother?

Take you home, Bill.

Police warn motorists to be careful during the fall after last night's fatal

accident on the clockwise carriageway of the M25 in which a motorcyclist died.

The man killed has today been named as Angelo Shepherd, a 27 -year -old working

for a North London...