Original subtitles

Oh, it's really cold.

Yes, it's fab and brill.

Are you going to take it with gold in it? I suppose I'll have to.

What, right up to the gate?

Well, round the corner a bit.

Yeah, when me and Rona's wrecked, you take it to the gate. Now you've got a

decent car, you're suddenly self -conscious.

Can Sammy and I go and sit in it?

No, I don't want you getting used to it. As soon as we can, we'll be selling it.

Will we, Dad?

You owe it to your father.

Well, why can't we keep it?

Because we need the money. It's totally impractical and it drinks petrol.

Tammy drinks petrol.

Yes. Tammy Wood, take these things up to your room and put them away and do

something to your bed.

What? Burn it.

The only decent thing we ever had and she wants to sell it.

I think she might buy a larder, actually.

You wouldn't.

Yes, I think a nice... Ground larder's the thing for us.

If you ever park a larder outside this house, I'm leaving.

Buy one.

Please.

I think I might have my tubes tied.

I've done it a slipknot. Covers all eventualities.

There we go.

You sure that thing wasn't knocked off? Terry got it in an auction. The owner

had no further use for it.

Hello, this is Ben Poulter. Please leave your message after the tone.

Hang on, see what you think.

Hello, this is Margaret Thatcher.

What do you think? Too snotty?

When did you get that?

It's a joke, Tate. Came with a machine.

It had better be.

What are you going to do?

We're going round to Julie's house. Her mum will be there. All right, but I want

you back by seven.

Thanks, Mum.

I was thinking... We are not keeping that car.

You agreed.

We had a discussion. It was fair.

You gave me a Chinese burn. You deserved it.

You might like driving it when you get used to it.

Won't be a moment.

Why do you keep looking at me like that? I'm sorry?

They're all doing it now.

Could you possibly step in to see Dawn?

Dawn? If you wouldn't mind.

Who the hell is Dawn?

Hello, Mr. Porter.

I'm Dawn, your personal banker.

to give each of our customers their own personal banker to deal personally with

all their banking needs.

Yes, there seems to be some problem over my cheque. It is a policy for customers

to consult with their personal banker to plan their financial profiles vis -�

-vis our current liquidity restrictions.

Well, I'm consulting you now. Could I have my £30?

been paid in this morning. Can't you let me have some money?

It is our policy to set aside multiple emergency funds unless our customers

made prior arrangement together with their personal banker for two or three

months. Do you talk like that at home?

Talk like what?

In that strange voice.

No, of course not.

Then why are you talking to me like that?

Because I'm your personal banker.

with you now to have some money. It is a pleasure.

As my personal banker, perhaps you could give me some personal advice for a

moment. You're a woman, and I'm a woman. Now, I don't know if you've got a home

as well as a job, but I have to get back to work, and I need some money to pay

the milkman and buy some petrol.

Can you tell me as clearly as possible what my chances are?

Bugger all, I'm afraid.

I've just been blocked in by the world -famous brick -laying midwife.

I'll be going to the chip shop.

Won't be long.

Better not.

I've only got 20 minutes.

It's a nice car.

Yes, if your name's Bobby Sue and you're Elvis's illegitimate daughter by Tammy

Rene.

I think it's decent.

Do you?

So, um, how's it going on?

I've just been told by an air hostess that I can't cash my check.

Money isn't everything.

Yeah, and in my account, everything isn't money.

Sometimes things change.

Not my thing.

Sometimes we have to change them.

Yeah.

But what things do we change?

And when?

It's all quite a game, isn't it?

Yeah, they come.

Let's be off.

I'll be seeing you.

What's wrong with Paddy today?

That's no problem. You're always eating fast food. I like fast food. I've got a

fast mouth.

But what's this detail really made of?

Gosh, Skippy, sometimes you're almost human.

I'm expecting a message.

This is

riveting stuff.

Dead keen on the car.

He's offering three and a half sight unseen, maybe more.

Give us a bell whenever. I'll keep him hot, OK?

Hello, it's me again. My pump is red hot.

Glad you've seen Funkles.

You going to sell it?

All in fullness of time, grasshopper.

It's not the last Saturday in the month yet.

What happens then?

Picture it.

The Chelsea Embankment.

End to end, as far as the eye can see, with groovy motors.

The Firebird, the V8, the Ford Fairlane, the Lincoln Continental.

And there, in the centre of it all, in the 57 Chevy, sits...

Stevie Wonder.

Me, you dickhead, me.

The well and crazy hitting engineer.

I get it.

Oh, finally.

You don't want Bill to hear the message.

I want to tell her myself.

At the appropriate time.

You're frightened she makes you tell it now.

Me? Frightened?

What was that?

As I myself, I fancy Hawthorne this year.

Last week, there were three down at three quarters, and old Jenkie's got two

behind. Yeah, I know.

Well, sort of lit the coals for the Hawks. After that, Morrissey plays the

marksman and sticks one right between the bigots.

Yeah.

Um, I asked for a pie.

Oh! I'm sorry, I don't know what I must have been thinking of.

You're the only one who doesn't.

It's definitely the Hawks for the finals.

That's assuming they can get a fair nibble of Nobby's nuts.

Definitely. Well, I'll be seeing you.

Did you see that behind?

I prefer Jenky. He's got two behinds.

It's just an expression.

Oh, Moby's dick!

I forgot to put my name and number on his new bag.

A bakehouse. They could ice it onto all our fond and fancy.

I thought he was cute.

You didn't understand a word he was talking about.

I did.

Australian football.

You don't know anything about Australian football.

Well, I do.

Well, what are the rules, then?

There are 22 of them.

And they all wear tiny little shorts.

And they all run about grabbing at each other all over the place. And sometimes

it's very muddy.

Roma. What? You're drooling. I am not.

Oh, look out. Must be chucking out time at nursery school already.

Afternoon, girl.

Why so glum, darling?

Aren't I the man of your dreams?

Well, you look like Freddy Krueger, I admit.

I like him with a sense of humour.

Do I hear the kettle boiling, darling?

I don't think so.

Well, it must be your hot, steaming passion, then.

No. It's the kettle.

Don't you love those moments alone, eh? Yes, go away.

Darling, please, let's not forget who I am.

And in case you have forgotten, I owed you a little job in my end.

So I've had a bit of respect, eh?

What do you want?

The challenge of change, my lovely.

As of today, I'll be calling every afternoon to take your large notes to

bank before close of business.

We'll look forward to that.

Well, maximising our capital could save this chain a thousand a month.

Here we are.

Thanks.

Evaporated milk and three slices of lemon, wasn't it?

Mr Castell is going to visit us more often. Won't that be nice?

What do we have here?

It's a cheque. It's only for £30.

We have a little rule about cashing personal cheques, darling.

Don't you remember our little rule?

Oh, do you think he means the... No cashing personal cheques rule.

I had to cash a cheque. You haven't paid in my wages on time. Well, I'm paying

it in with these notes. Aye, so he's out of those notes. What's the problem?

Anticipation, girls.

Anticipation.

You need to think ahead a little.

Have a bit of spare.

I always do.

Ciao.

Babies have never crossed the channel.

What are you going to do?

What can I do? Put the money back.

I'll sleep with the milkman. Ben will understand.

How about the petrol?

I'll sleep with the garage man, too. It'll give the milkman someone to talk

What's that bag? I put my number on. No, it was just... Uh -oh.

What? It's for you.

Oh, God.

Mum's coming.

What have you done?

Nothing. Look, you'd better tell me if you want any help. I haven't done

anything.

She doesn't look too happy.

Shut up.

In fact, I think she's in a really bad mood.

Get out of it.

Yep. You're going to die.

Leave me alone.

Why is it every cat in the whole of London uses our faint garden to do its

business? I'm going to put up a sign, cat toilet, this way.

Any messages on the machine?

No. David, I'm home.

Do them a mass.

What's going on?

I don't know.

Mum, can I have some money for the cinema?

Sorry, I don't have any myself.

Why not?

I blew it all on male prostitutes and crack.

Mum, I... Well, how much is it?

Only four pounds.

Dream on.

It's not that much.

I remember when you could get a three -course meal for that and still have

change to buy a cemetery.

Mrs Porter?

Yes? Your David's been playing with my Judith.

Oh, yes.

David! They want to see you.

Hello, sweetness.

Hello. Any messages?

Ben, we have to talk.

I was going to tell you. Tell me what?

Nothing.

It's very quiet in here. Where are the kids?

Jenny's gone out. I lent her my last five pounds.

David's upstairs.

I told him to wait for you to come home.

This isn't the doomsday scenario.

You said you wanted to be like the nuclear deterrent.

Yes, but you're not supposed to use the nuclear deterrent.

You wait till you hear what he's done.

I'm no good at that sort of thing. I'm too nice.

I've just had Judith's mother round here.

Yesterday, she found David, Sammy and her daughter in her shed playing cards.

Well, is that all?

Naked.

Naked? They were playing strip -happy families.

A randy little devil.

Of course, he claims it was all Sammy's idea.

Do you have Mr Snip the tailor? No, I'm sorry, he's not at home. Get your

knickers off.

Stop it.

Oh, you nearly laughed.

It's not funny.

Anyway, I'm going round to Sammy's mother's. I think it's a good idea if he

doesn't see Sammy again.

I want you to talk to David.

And you know what I mean.

What?

That's it.

Your time has come.

Right. No problem.

I'll be about an hour.

Take him through everything you know.

In an hour?

That's right.

The rest of the time's your own.

It is.

Come through, will you?

Donna,

speak to Bobby, will you? He probably wants changing.

I'm sorry about the mess.

Yeah, I've got four, including Sammy, and, well, my dad's not much help around

the place. We lost his arm.

Oh, just David told me. It was in the war, wasn't it?

Well, originally, yeah, but now he's gone and lost the false one.

He only knows what he's done with it. He's had more arms than Saddam Hussein.

Dad, we've got visitors.

I'm just making some tea.

Oh, well, that'll only take about six hours.

Yeah, he went through a phase of putting his arm in the window with two of the

fingers sticking up on it, just for when the social worker was true.

Idea of a joke.

Oh, do sit down, won't you?

Thanks.

I've come about Sammy.

Oh, yeah, well, I've... Put him to bed, if that's what he was wondering.

And the little bugger admits it was all his idea.

Oh, I'm sure David was just as much to blame.

Oh, no, I doubt it. No, he's been like the devil himself since his dad left me.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

Well, yeah, what he didn't drink he put on the dogs.

Well, he used to beat me about a bit and all.

God, how I miss him.

I dropped the teapot. Oh, not another one.

Donna, help your granddad, will you?

I don't need any help.

I'm sorry.

I've come to talk about David and Sammy playing together.

Oh, yeah, I'm glad.

Yeah, well, you see, Sammy hasn't made many friends since we moved here. I

most of the kids just make fun of his clothes.

I mean, I do what I can on the social, but, well, you know, it's not easy.

He's been a lot happier since he's been seeing your David.

Um, Mrs... Oh, it's Brian.

But you can call me Marie.

Marie, I think Sammy and David are

going to be great friends.

So, this girl's business.

Want to have a drink?

No. Good.

Can I have one?

Sure.

Right. Let's get down to the facts.

So, do you want to know what they look like?

What?

Go on.

Be my guest.

Don't be shy. Go on.

What do you think?

They all look like that.

That's a fact.

Do anything for you?

Me neither.

They look stupid.

Ha, yes. Well, what you're looking at there, quite possibly the stupidest

in the world.

Believe me, you're not going to learn anything about girls from this.

The only place you're going to find that out is from me, right?

Right. Right.

The fact of the matter is, women...

are not of this earth.

You notice how they always go quiet when you walk into a room? That's because

they've been speaking woman language.

Why don't they like football?

Because they have an alien intelligence superior to ours.

Why do they want to run off and get married all the time?

So that eventually, every man will be a hapless slave to the planet woman.

But just the same as us.

My son, you have the beginning of wisdom.

Now.

Supposed to be playing for the West London Wildcats this summer, but I've

a muscle. Oh.

Yeah, I went to kick and he got me right here.

Well, not enough it is. You should feel it.

The physio reckons a bit of manipulation might be the answer.

Probably.

Don't suppose you know anybody who might be able to give me a bit of massage,

you know, relieve the tension?

Not really.

Well, if you hear of anyone.

Thanks, Sam.

Bye.

See you.

expecting Rona in today.

I don't understand.

Didn't you see who that was and what he was saying?

I wasn't really listening.

Rona, are you all right?

You may as well know.

I had a phone call last night from... Ciao.

Listen, you creep.

What did he want?

Hmm.

You know.

You didn't agree to go out with him, did you? Well, how else was I supposed to

get him off the phone?

Kept making suggestions.

What suggestions?

About doing things.

How dare he?

Oh, I've done them all.

When he described them, they seemed so dirty.

Rona, you cannot go out with that prat. You know what'll happen?

No, what if I do sleep with him? We both need to keep our jobs. He'll only be

one more of many. I'm not exactly whiter than white.

OK, so you sleep around.

So did Goldilocks.

But when did you sleep with a man you didn't want?

It's always been your decision. Don't go on, Bill. It's no big deal.

Afternoon, my lovely.

Here, how about a cuddle, then?

What's the matter with her?

Can't you tell?

She was coming on strong last night.

Begging for it.

I think it would be better if you just leave her alone.

Jealous, are we?

Don't worry, darling. I've got plenty left for you.

It's time you realised that I am not some kind of bonking machine.

And neither, for that matter, is Rona.

Rona? Come off it. Everybody knows she's a slag.

Would you step into the back with me for a moment?

Sure.

Ben, Peter.

I can't keep this geezer strung along any longer. He wants a decision one way

the other by tonight.

So?

We'll manage.

What do you think? Pretty much to the point.

What about what's in the window? Leave it. Not our worry anymore.

That we did the right thing.

Definitely.

Now comes the difficult part.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

Any messages?

No. Dad, we're waiting for you.

What's going on?

Judgment at Nuremberg?

Ben, would you come and sit down, please?

What? Just sit down and we'll be all day.

What's going on?

I want all of us to be together for this.

Right, well, I think the head of the household should speak first. Good, be

quiet. Yes, dear.

I'm afraid I've had to give up my job.

What? Baby, you'll just listen.

Rona and I have both resigned.

We were being subjected to sexual harassment.

Mother, there's a child in the room.

I know all about it. The man put... Not now, son.

Anyway, it's going to mean we have a lot less money, so I'm afraid there are

going to have to be some sacrifices.

What?

Now, if you two go upstairs, your father and I will plug it out till one of us

is dead.

God, my mother's unemployed.

Mum, can we still afford food?

Shut up and get in the oven.

So,

you both resigned.

More or less. Which?

Less.

Found a buyer for the car.

So what's the plan?

Keep most of the money and buy a wreck?

Guess so.

Well, she'll tide us over for a while.

Yeah.

What is it?

I was just hoping to keep it till the end of the month. Why?

I wanted to drive it in the Chelsea Cruise.

What?

I wanted to drive it in the Chelsea Cruise.

We do need the money.

Don't look at me like Bambi.

You never really grew up at all, did you?

Sometimes I feel like I'm your mother.

You grew up too much.

They say a man with a sexual peak at 16.

Oh, Mum, you're embarrassing me.

All right, look, I'll phone Pete. Get him to send a bloke round.

What are you doing?

I was just thinking.

What?

Money isn't everything.

Fairy tales can come true.

It can happen to you if you're young.

For it's hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind if you're

young at heart.

You can go to extremes with impossible schemes.

You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams.

And life gets more exciting with each passing day.

Love is either in your heart or on its way.

Don't you know that it's worth every treasure on earth to be young

at heart?

For as rich as you are, it's much better by far to be

young at heart.

should survive to 105 look at all you'll derive

out of being alive and here is the best part you

have a head start if you are

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