Original subtitles

Hello, Ben.

Hi, Ron.

Back again then? Yeah, yeah.

See you then. See you, mate.

I rest for the week, you know. Yeah.

No, I'm free. He's not at home. Can I take your name and number?

Yes.

I'm back.

Leaking.

Yes.

Right.

Don't move.

Hang on a moment, please.

What have you got on your feet?

Three box.

That's a new word for it. Don't move.

I'm sorry about that.

Yes. I'll get him to call you back.

Right. Bye.

And bring the air freshener.

Next time I see a dog, I'm going to sellotape up its bottom.

My God, what is that?

Air freshener.

What does this say?

Fly doom.

Death to all unwanted pets.

No button and dog legs.

That's a matter of opinion. Go and get the proper one.

Hello.

I wonder if you have a few moments to talk about God.

This is so tempting.

I'm busy, I'm afraid. It's difficult, isn't it, in this modern age to find

for the Almighty?

Yes, well, if I did, he'd only want me to do his ironing as well. Can we

interest you in one of our magazines?

Wait there.

All right, then. There you are.

Thank you very much. I'll read it most carefully.

Which one do you want? What have we got?

Misty moment, reminiscent of an autumn forest.

Mellow moon, reminiscent of a cottage garden.

How about that?

Oh, that smells lovely.

Nervous breakdown, reminiscent of a house in Chiswick.

Ironing night?

You guess. If I ever get a chance to get it started.

There's tea still in the pot.

Ben not home?

No. Right.

Where do you want to start?

Don't mind.

Okay.

Describe what might lead you to believe there is an accident ahead.

One pill too many in the packet?

ahead. Warning triangles or hazard lights. Oh, bugger!

Anything else?

Black gunge on the iron. That'll have to go back in the machine.

And police and ambulance flashing lights.

Now, safe stopping distance for 20 miles an hour.

12 metres or 40 feet. Except if your brakes don't work.

Except if it's raining.

Oh, God, look at this. I've told him a hundred times to empty his pocket.

Driving in fog. Ask.

Check your mirrors.

Slow down and keep a safe distance.

Do not hang on to somebody else's taillight.

Watch your speed. You could be going faster than you think.

Observe the warning signals.

Use windscreen wipers and demisters.

C and B theme.

Check and wash.

Windscreen, lights, reflectors and window.

Allow more time for your journey. Remember, fog can be patchy. She's

him to ring.

Looks like it's been a long wait.

Two days.

Motorways? You're heartless.

Yeah, she gets the moon about like Lillian Gish and I have all this fun.

Miseries. Oh, I knew this should have had a cold one.

motorway on the left yes if your name is dave and you drive a company sierra

with a hanger in the back or if there are queues of

traffic and the outside lanes moving more slowly oh look at this

do you know i can never get my husband's work shirt ultra white betty

have all those unpleasant dames, Betty, but now I know just what to do. What do

you do, Donna?

I throw it straight into my duster bag and pretend it's shrunk in the machine.

And it's so kind to my hands.

Hiya.

Hi, Rona. Hi.

I'm just stopping for a quick wash in the bike. I have to get back down the

-up. I'm beginning to think you've got a woman down there.

Tell him I'm out.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid she went out.

Right, bye.

What did he say? He said, all right, then.

Typical!

Don't slang your... Oh, God, I can't face any more of this at the moment.

My mother always said, never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.

Silly cow.

shop assistant.

Don't get excited, darling.

Rory Cathdale.

I've just been appointed area manager.

How many fondant fancies do you have left on the average day?

Oh, well, you've got me there.

That customer?

No, Rona. This is Mr.

Cathdale, the new area manager.

Tea, please, darling. No sugar.

Pleased to meet you, too.

I need to speak to the man who does your books. I do the books.

Oh.

I'm introducing a few changes as of this week.

You'll record the wastage of each and every product on this little chart here

the end of each day.

You see this nice little chart I've made up?

Yes.

Well, if you have, say, six Danish pastries, you look in the column marked

Danish, and you put a six.

If you have four Belgian buns, you look in the column marked Belgian, and what

do you put?

A four.

It's very important.

Here you are.

You did say six sugars.

Rationalisation means revenue.

That's my motto, girls. Oh, goody, Rona, he's got a motto.

We girls love a motto, don't we?

I've also made her this new work schedule for the branch. You can pin it

the back.

Well, this only shows up. What about the part -timers?

I'm afraid in this recession we really can't afford to subsidise girls who want

time off to have babies.

What are they supposed to do, drop them on a convenient sponge and go on

serving?

Hang on, does this mean they're sacked?

I'm sure I can rely on you girls to break it to them gently.

Oh, no, you can break it to them yourself. They'll be here in half an

On a weekday?

We're having two hours off for a driving test. They're coming in this afternoon.

And Christine's coming in tomorrow while I go to the dentist.

You'll have to change a dentist some other time, darling.

I don't have any other time. I've got a family.

Look, I'll tell you what I'll do.

Do the dentist this afternoon as well, and I'll turn a blind eye just this

I'd like to keep my girls happy.

All right, time to get on.

I'll, er, love you and leave you.

Ciao.

Yeah. I had his father ask for that suit back.

Pie and gravy coming up.

Soon will be, by the looks of it.

Good stuff, this.

You think so?

Doesn't it strike you as odd that he bought 500 of those pies just at the

time as all those pitbulls had to be neutered?

That's prime meat, that is.

Oh, yeah? What sort of meat? It just says meat on the crate.

Stick some chips on there, will you? I need the energy.

He's been up late again.

I think he's got a woman down that lock -up.

What's the habit of you?

Oh, leave it out, lover man. It's not cooked.

I knew a woman once who insisted on having her way at Covent Garden Market

amongst the fruits.

Can we just get on with eating, please?

OK. If I didn't know better, I'd say that was the snap of a guilty

Calling that stuff me, you should have a guilty conscience. Definitely.

The next thing you know, he'll be buying his wife little cards for no reason at

all, in case she finds out.

And they always find out.

Remember, if you stall it, don't panic.

Just put on the handbrake, check it's in neutral, start again.

You won't hold on.

First of all, I'd like you to weed, if you would, the number on that wet BMW.

First turning on the left.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Okay.

Can you identify this road traffic sign?

This is the road traffic.

And this?

This is the road traffic.

Could you describe the road traffic sign for No Foo Woot?

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Pushing.

Oh.

I think she

said bugger off.

I wonder if you could tell me this.

Under what circumstances could a vehicle overtake you when there are double

white lines down the middle of the road?

They can't.

You're not allowed to cross them.

Is that your answer?

Of course.

When the overtaking vehicle's a motorbike.

He wouldn't have to cross the line.

Correct.

Well, Mr Porter, that concludes your driving test.

I passed.

Yes! Oh, yes!

Woo!

Yes, yes, yes, yes! That sounds like Chrono.

Mum, can I go down to the hospital and watch the ambulance as it arrives?

Some children just get everything.

Do I know this family?

They just moved here. Where from? Twin Peak?

Hello there. Scott phoned yet?

Oh, God.

Hiya.

Oh, you're back early.

Not going down the lock -up tonight?

No, not tonight.

How was your day then?

The shop has been taken over by a 14 -year -old prat.

How about yours?

All right.

All right, Jen.

Just leave me alone, will you?

Why don't you all just leave me alone?

You're lucky.

I didn't get anything.

Do you want me to have a word with her? I know you're talking about me.

Maybe later.

This is for you.

Thank you. What's it for?

Don't need a special reason, do I?

for my wife.

I love each precious day, though twilight creeps upon our life and you

turning grey.

This is for a 60th wedding anniversary.

It doesn't say so.

Didn't you read the rhyme?

No, of course not. Men never read the rhymes. Don't they?

Didn't you know that?

Well, the thought was there, I suppose.

The thought was there, wasn't it? Oh, yeah. We just don't read the rhymes.

I thought perhaps we might go out.

I can't. I've got the ironing. I'll still be there tomorrow.

Exactly.

Oh, come on. I'm booked.

Where? It's a surprise.

What about the kids?

All taken care of. Right.

Goodbye, then.

Everything all right now? Yeah.

Fine.

What?

All right.

But promise me one thing.

What? We're not going down the hospital to see the ambulances arrive.

I didn't know all this had come back.

Oh, yeah, it's all come back.

It's bringing back happy memories, eh? Yeah.

Remember that time we walked home in the rain after that match with Jeff and

Ruth?

That wasn't me.

Remember that weekend in Bournemouth when we went bowling?

That wasn't me either.

What do you remember, then?

Oh, yeah.

It wasn't me.

It was.

Because... Oh, yeah.

That must have been weird.

I don't remember much about the actual bowling.

Oh, it's a great game. Great test of skill and accuracy.

Oh, yeah, look at the skill and accuracy over there.

I didn't think it'd be so packed.

No, well, don't worry. I'm sure it'll soon clear once you take your shoes off.

It's smelly about my feet.

Promise you won't laugh? Promise.

Just do it like I told you.

Very good.

You wouldn't laugh, would you?

Would I?

What's the matter, macho man?

Worried if your wifey might beat you? No.

Well, that was just a fluke.

biscuit? Yeah.

Can I have two?

If you want. Can I? Have as many as you like.

Mum wouldn't let me.

Wouldn't she?

I could make myself sick.

Oh. Alright then.

You're no fun at all.

Where's your sister?

Still in her bedroom.

What's the matter with her?

She's a girl.

There's a horror film on Channel 4.

I know. Sammy told me.

Might give me nightmares.

Then perhaps we shouldn't watch it.

meant to do that. Oh, yes.

Yeah, well, I'm not playing on me top form, you know. I could win any time I

like. Yeah.

And then, whoo!

I could do that.

Care to make a little wager?

No. All right, then. What's the bet?

You get to do all your own ironing.

Right.

Forever.

All right, but if I win, you get to do all the decorating.

Forever. You're on.

Oh, dear.

I just picked up my spare.

That means next time I'm going to get double whatever I score.

Why didn't you say anything?

Mum was going out.

She doesn't get the chance very often, so I... You know, I think you're a bit

a fraud.

You really care a lot about her underneath, don't you?

Sometimes it's hard to know what I am, really.

It's confusing.

Welcome to the human race.

I loved him, you know.

I really did.

I'm sure you did.

You don't believe it.

Do you?

Well, I miss him.

I wish he was here.

Is that the same thing?

You tell me.

You're the one with all the experience.

I was 17.

I met the boy.

He was the first, you know.

Well, we went out for a while and one day he asked me to marry him.

It was like a dream.

You know, the perfect girl's dream.

I marched up the aisle in the dress and all, everybody watching me. And I stood

at the altar and I looked across at him in his Burton suit with his best mate

and I thought, my God, he's sexy.

Not him, his best mate.

That's when I realised I didn't really love him.

Not enough.

So I ran back up the aisle, got in the car and went home.

My Auntie Pearl had a bilious attack.

Mother burst into tears, Dad got legless and I cried myself to sleep.

That was my wedding day.

Well, here I am, still single, still looking, but still having a bloody good

time.

But you know, there isn't one day of my life I haven't missed him.

and I used to laugh about it.

Quite funny, really.

Don't you think?

Not all so terrible, are you?

Pain in my shoulder.

Gone now.

Your turn again.

Don't you dare. I know what.

Oh, what a shame.

Isn't it?

You're welcome.

Did you really run back up the aisle?

The biggest mistake is running down it.

Look,

there's ice cream in the freezer. Let's eat till we're the size of Clive James.

Good idea.

in my shoulder.

Gone now.

Doesn't matter.

It's all on the next ball. If I get them all down, I'll get an extra go.

Then there's no way you can win.

Your ball.

This is a green ball.

It's a 12.

I use a 10. The purple ball.

Thank you.

You have to do much better than that to catch me out, girl.

Yes, indeed!

Pity it's not our leg.

All right, all right, point taken, but please, mistress, don't make me do it.

Well, perhaps I'll let you off with once a month.

What's the catch?

Come with me now. I want to show you something.

It's something I should have told you.

I've got something I want to tell you.

What?

The car is in here, isn't it? Yes.

You have been here working on it all those times? Yes.

And it goes?

Oh, yes.

Well, then, I've got a surprise for you.

I've been working on the bodywork.

So I see.

The last time I saw it, it was a Montego.

It isn't what you think, all right? It is what you think. Where did you get

this? I picked it up for 3 ,000.

3 ,000?

Yeah, but the bloke said if I did a bit of work on it, I could sell it for five.

You spent our tax rebate.

The money we could have used to pay...

That would be too simple.

I am going to hold this against you for the rest of your natural...

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